Forth into Light (The Peter & Charlie Trilogy) (13 page)

“What’s the matter?” Peter dropped a steadying hand onto his bare shoulder.

“I’ve had an erection until this minute,” he protested as if he’d been somehow cheated. “Thinking about all this, it shrivelled right away. That stuff, having to stop everything to put it on. The trouble is, I probably don’t even want it that way. Looking at your great golden phallus made me realize that I’m just like him. I want—I’ll want him inside me. The whole thing’s ridiculous.”

Peter checked his laughter. Jeff’s young confused innocence made his throat ache. He settled himself more confortably on the arm of the chair and lifted his hand and began to stroke the boy’s hair reassuringly. The head dropped against his rib cage. It gave him a nice little paternal thrill which, as he had learned with Little Pete, linked up somehow with sexuality. “I don’t think it’ll be any great loss if things don’t work out tonight,” he said sympathetically, “but if you’re really in love with Dimitri, don’t worry about the sex part. Maybe with you, he’ll learn something new about himself. It can work both ways, you know. Charlie and I found that out. He’d kill me if he knew I’d told you that. He doesn’t like us to talk about our sex life and he’s probably right. I’ll make an exception for you. I’m making a lot of exceptions for you.” The head pressed closer against him and he smiled down at it. “Right from the beginning, Charlie always took me, fucked me, and I couldn’t imagine it being any other way. But then, just about the time we were getting together with Martha—he decided he wanted it the other way around. He’s very mental about things. I’m just a cheerful idiot. I thought he was mad and thought it would spoil everything but of course it was bliss, like everything with him. I think he thought it was time for me to develop the more aggressive, sort of masculine part of me and that it would help me have a try at girls and I guess he was right. It’s what I said earlier—it’s good to keep yourself open to new experience. I’d certainly never
looked
at a girl before and I’m glad he changed that, even though I don’t exactly go chasing after them very often. It’s just that it’s good to respond to
everybody
as much as possible. That’s why I think everybody is probably meant to be bisexual instead of being pressured one way or the other. The point is, he’s always made life bigger and better by paying attention to the way we’ve developed and making something of it. Even when we were having problems—my problems mostly, such as infidelity—only once, believe it or not, but there were temptations—he was able to help us through them by adapting and finding ways of making even bad things work
for
us. He drives me wild sometimes when he gets going on some new line, always all of it working away inside him, but I think that’s behind us now. He’s made life marvelous. That’s why I take love seriously. That’s why I’m talking so much. I’d like you to understand how good it can be. I don’t believe much in your rendezvous tonight. Dimitri doesn’t care about people.”

Jeff reached up and seized his hand and clung to it as if he were frightened. “I guess that’s the sort of thing you have to learn by experience.” His voice came out deep and full of pain. “Isn’t it natural to think that somebody you’re all involved with is going to be different with you than he is with others?”

“Natural enough, but it almost never works that way. I wish we could find you somebody who would make you forget all about him.”

Jeff’s shoulders lurched with the rumble of a chuckle. Peter wanted to be able to look into his face for what was coming next, but he kept his head averted. Peter pressed it to him briefly and stood and withdrew his hand. Holding the boy, thinking about Charlie, talking about the intimate wonders of their life, had stirred his sex. It lifted against his loincloth and its increased length and weight made it swing conspicuously when he walked. He hitched the cloth more firmly around him and returned the tube to the bedside table and circled Jeff so that he was able to keep his back to him until he dropped into a chair and faced him.

“Now listen, Jeff, honey,” he began incisively. “Why don’t you cancel your date? You’re obviously not happy about the whole idea.”

“It’s too late.” Jeff clawed at the hair Peter had lovingly smoothed and dropped his hand over his eyes. “I’ve made such a big thing of it. I have to go through with it.”

“Look at me, for God’s sakes. What is all this? I’ve been waiting to ask you something. Are you mixed up in this dope business with Dimitri?”

Jeff shook his head. “I know about it, but I’m not really mixed up in it.”

“Then what is it? There’s something you ought to tell me. I’m sure of it.”

“No. Really, I can’t—”

“Listen, Jeff. Aside from his fairly sloppy sex life, Dimitri isn’t a very nice guy. There was some nasty trouble with a rich Englishman in Poros. Dimitri had to get off the island. If we’d known the story when he came here and talked about opening the bar we’d have tried to stop him. You’ve got to tell me if you’re involved with him in any way except for planning to go to bed with him.”

Jeff lifted his head and revealed his eyes at last. They were troubled but candid. His mouth worked briefly before he got out any words. “That’s really all it is. The complications have to do with that. Everything will be all straight after tonight. He’s had an enormous hold over me, but you’ve made me see I’ve been an hysterical child. It’s because I haven’t had a sex life. Any initiation will do. Just the idea of its being messy scares me. I suppose that’s part of being immature. One shouldn’t expect everything to be all moonlight and roses.”

“No, but it’s not as messy as you might think. When Charlie kicked me out, I had myself fucked by every attractive guy I could find. I know.”

A peal of laughter burst from the boy. “You really are extraordinary. You make everything seem so healthy and natural. I’ve been noticing lately how rare that is.”

Peter rose on an impulse to go to him, but found that he was still in a noticeably aroused state and turned hastily and took refuge behind his desk. He didn’t know why he went on feeling so sexy. It certainly wasn’t Jeff. A mood of the moment. Maybe he should go find Charlie. The word he considered the ugliest in the language crossed his mind: tumescent. It was joined by his second ugliest word: penis. He had a slightly tumescent penis. A horrible disease. Jesus. He smiled to himself and looked at Jeff. “Don’t forget, honey. We belong to each other a little now so if you hurt yourself you’ll be hurting me, too. Don’t forget that. Come to me if there’s something you want to talk about. After this, you can tell me anything.”

“How could I forget? It means so much to me.” His eyes wavered and an uncharacteristic little playful smile sprang to his lips. “You know, that little skirt is much more revealing than you may realize. Your—your cock is much bigger than it was. I have to go. Let me see it first.”

“Don’t you think we’ve done enough stripping for today?”

“You stripped too soon. That’s a cheat.” Jeff rose. Standing straight, he was a tall and distinguished-looking youth. His eyes were fixed on the sarong.

“You know how cocks are,” Peter said. “You never know what they’re going to do next. I long ago gave up taking any responsibility for mine.”

“Then it’s all right if I see it. Looking at it draped like that just inflames my fevered imagination.”

Peter threw his head back and laughed. “God forbid I should do that.” He pulled the sarong off as he came out from behind the desk. Glancing down, he was surprised to see that things had gone so far. He hadn’t felt
that
sexy, but there was nothing to do but make a joke of it. “Here we are. Time for the second showing.”

Jeff approached, his eyes wide and intent on it. “Oh, Peter,” he said in an awed murmur. “You’re sublime. It’s what I imagined only more so. How can you say size doesn’t matter? I’d sell my soul for something like that.” He stopped and reached out and ran his hand down the length of it.

“Hey. Who told you you could do that?” Peter demanded without moving.

“You don’t have to tell me. I know I can touch you without its being a big thing between us. You know I’m not going to do anything wild. You have me completely under control. You know that.”

“Okay, but don’t let’s push it.” At the first caressing touch, his sex had lengthened with a little leap and stiffened slightly but he could feel that this was as far as it would go. A pity in a way. Jeff was such an appreciative audience. He deserved to see the complete production. With a little surge of exhibitionism, he thrust his hips forward to give it greater prominence. It slanted down away from his body, lifting with only a hint of erection but extended almost its full erect length.

Jeff gazed at it and crooned a paean of praise. “This is the first time I’ve seen a man with even the beginning of an erection. It must be absolutely enormous. It’s huge right now. Staggering. It’s so smooth and so—so powerful, long and straight like a dagger. No wonder I’m queer. How could anyone help worshipping such mystery, such beauty. Oh, God, Peter, there are so many things I’d like to do with it but looking is enough. I know now men are really made like this. It isn’t all my imagination.”

“Well, that’s it, as far as I’m concerned. I’ve shown you all I can.” Peter gave the boy a pat on the shoulder and moved back from him. He flipped the sarong over his shoulder. “I’ve got to be ready to cover up. I’m sort of hoping Costa may turn up.” He saw the boy’s expression cloud as he finally tore his eyes from him and turned away nervously.

“I have to be going,” Jeff said as he pulled on his shirt without tucking it in and stepped into his sandals.

“There’s no rush.”

“No, I have to see Dimitri about something.”

“I’ll be waiting to hear all about it.”

Jeff faced him. The ghostly smile was on his lips. He seemed tense and withdrawn again. “Yes. I wouldn’t be surprised if the best part is telling you about it. Can I come see you again tomorrow after lunch?”

“You can come see me any time you like, love. Just don’t let him upset you.”

“This has been the most wonderful hour of my life. I’ll never forget it.”

They looked into each other’s eyes and then Jeff’s dropped inevitably to the sacred area as they moved toward each other and remained there as Peter put his arm around his shoulder and walked him to the door and unlocked it. Jeff gave him a last lingering look and turned with a growled “so long” and slouched out.

Peter turned back into the room and stretched his whole body. Sex. Sex. Sex. His damn cock was beginning to get on his nerves. He thought of the girl again. If there was ever a girl he would gladly chase, she was it. That extraordinary look. The way the features were so delectably put together. Thoughts of the girl accomplished what Jeff had not. In one long deep satisfying surge, his cock lifted and locked into erection. So that was what was the matter with him. He looked down at himself and laughed. Poor Jeff had missed the finale. He must tell Charlie that he hadn’t forgotten his duties to heterosexuality. He threw down the sarong and trotted to the bathroom and got under a cold shower.

Fragmentary thoughts skipped through his mind. Something was eluding him. Something about Jeff’s reluctance to keep the date with Dimitri. He felt as if he knew more than he could coherently formulate, as if some information had been passed on to him that he hadn’t quite grasped.

He decided that if Costa didn’t turn up soon, he should go look for him. There was something fishy going on. He could feel it in his bones. And because usually there was so little going on, fishy or otherwise, he suspected that it all linked up in some way—George’s money, Costa’s uncharacteristic threats, Jeff and Dimitri. He added the letter he had flushed down the toilet to his little collection of anomalies. Could the stolen pictures have something to do with it too? It was the sort of thing Dimitri might have a finger in. He hoped Jeff had been telling the truth. He felt responsible for the boy. The juxtaposition of naked bodies, even chaste, struck resonances beyond ordinary human intercourse. He marveled briefly at Charlie’s miracle, marveling that he could get through such an encounter without even a twinge of temptation. He would do what he could to keep the boy out of whatever mischief was afoot.

George and Mike lay side by side on towels spread out on a cement platform in the shade of a rock, apparently mending the strands of intimacy which had bound them so long ago, while Mike’s determination hardened to break through the facade George had erected for him; his picture of life here was too idyllic to be convincing. He suspected that George intended to make his own successful life seem empty and meretricious.

“You’re living in a dream world,” Mike insisted. “Do all your kindred spirits here live in palaces like yours? Incidentally, how does a whole family, and guests too presumably, manage with just one bathroom? I’d go out of my mind.”

George laughed. “God bless America. Do you realize that there wasn’t a single bathroom on the island when we arrived? Well, the Mills-Martins were first but no matter. You’d be amazed at the things you can get along without.”

“No, I wouldn’t be. When I was a kid, we had an outhouse in the backyard. We didn’t even have electricity until I was twelve. We got along. But who wants to? There’s something unnatural about turning your back on progress.”

“Progress doesn’t mean anything if it bypasses the human spirit. I remember you saying something of the sort years ago.”

“I used to talk a pretty fancy line in the old days. I doubt if it was any more profound than the things most kids say.”

“I think it was. It meant a lot to me. I left the States because of certain feelings I thought we shared. I’m not sure of things the way everybody is over there and being famous all of a sudden didn’t help. I found myself getting fixed in a set of public attitudes when I wanted to go on exploring. I didn’t want life to get flattened out for me, all neat and simple and sanitary, the way it tends to get in the States. If there’re any rough edges, go to a psychiatrist. He’ll smooth them out.”

“As a matter of fact, he probably will. What’s wrong with that?”

“Oh, Mike, what about the struggle? What about hopes and dreams? What about suffering and happiness? What about death?”