Forgivin' Ain't Forgettin' (30 page)

She had not been naive enough to believe she and Trevor would never argue, but she had imagined any disagreements would be quickly settled, since they loved each other. But now she could see it wasn’t that simple. Small disagreements could become big, ugly arguments, and it was easy to say things you didn’t mean and do things to make the situation more explosive. And just because you loved the person didn’t mean you were always instantly apologetic or forgiving.

Cassidy climbed in the passenger seat of the Expedition to wait for Trevor and the children. She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and dialed. Her call was answered in the middle of the fourth ring.

“Hello, celebrity,” Cassidy said.

“Cassidy?”

“Yes, it’s me. Can we talk?”

“Where are you?”

“In the parking lot.”

Lena peeped around the burly body of a man in the crowd circling her and Hulk. She waved when she spotted Cassidy. “I’ll be right over,” she said into the phone.

After five minutes of waiting, Cassidy pulled out the latest letter from Oliver Toby. They wrote to each other twice a week and spoke by phone at least once—on Wednesdays. As Cassidy absorbed the nice feelings that came from reading Oliver Toby’s thoughts, she imagined they were at the nursing home, on the bench, under the tree, looped arm in arm. “All my love to you, too,” she said, responding to Oliver Toby’s closing sentiment as she refolded the letter and placed it back in her purse. She glanced at Lena, who was still in conversation, then opened her Bible to 2 Corinthians 5:17, the text Pastor Audrey based the morning’s sermon on.
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Cassidy lifted her eyes from the page and remembered the sermon.

“As Christians, we have a new character and should not continue to engage in any activity that opposes the Word of God,” Reverend Audrey’s strong voice taught the congregation. A little later, he inserted, “We have been redeemed by Christ and are not to look back on our old life with guilty hearts. God’s grace has removed our guilt . . .”

Cassidy halted her reflection as Lena limped across the parking lot. When Lena was close enough for Cassidy to speak without yelling, she offered, “Do you want to sit on the other side?” staring at Lena’s feet, glamorous with new high heels.

Lena hobbled around to the driver’s side and climbed up. “Thanks,” she said, kicking off the footwear. “I only wore these shoes because they go so well with this dress,
and
because I wanted to look my best today with our engagement being announced.” She asked through a brilliant grin, “So are you excited?”

“Of course, I’m happy for you and Hulk.”

“I know that. I was referring to the news about Bishop Culpepper. I can’t believe he’s coming to
our
church.”

Just prior to the benediction, Pastor Audrey said he had a huge surprise, then told the congregation that Bishop Colvin Culpepper and a portion of his choir would be worshipping with them next Sunday. While excited applause rained around her, Cassidy resisted fainting as a thread of hysteria tied itself to her heart.

“Didn’t you used to be friends with Culpepper?”

Cassidy kept her pitch even. “We were in several classes together at Tilden.”

Lena’s eyes grew large. “Maybe you can introduce me to him.” Her voice jumped to a higher level of glee. “Wouldn’t it be outrageous if he could sing at my wedding? Oh, yeah, girl, you’ve got to get me up close and personal.”

Cassidy sighed.

“What’s your problem?” Lena asked.

“I need to ask you something about Dunbar.”

“Yeah?”

Cassidy looked down at her wrist and touched her bracelet. “Have you ever noticed him looking at me?”

“Looking at you?”

“In a romantic sort of way.”

“Girl, yeah, dozens of times.”

Irritated with the world right now, Cassidy snapped, “Well, how come you never said anything?”

Lena gave her an “I know you better, get yourself together” look before answering, “I guess because it was Dunbar, and he just doesn’t seem like the boyfriend type. He’s more like a . . . ”—she shrugged—“a pet. Why are you asking about him?”

“Trevor said something to me about him.”

“Are you two okay?” Lena’s voice resonated with worry. “I’ve noticed you guys don’t seem to be all smiles and grins around each other like you were when you first got married.”

Cassidy focused on the ladybug scaling the windshield. Poor little thing would take a few steps, then slide down to where it started. In spite of the pastor’s teaching today and other times, Cassidy felt like that ladybug. Each time she worked up the nerve to tell Trevor why she was so afraid to get pregnant, she’d slip back into the isolated dimension of fear, shame, and guilt. “We’ve got some newlywed stuff to work through . . . like all couples.” Too embarrassed to tell Lena about the vaginismus, Cassidy left it at that.

“You and Trevor have been going to the married couples’ fellowships. Are they helpful?”

Cassidy nodded. “If nothing else, you learn that you’re not the only ones trudging through a valley.”

“Well, Hulk and I will be praying for you guys.”

“Thanks. How are you two doing?”

Lena whipped on a smile. “It’s rough, girl. We’ve got six more months of celibacy, and I can’t even be on the phone with him without getting in the mood.”

Cassidy smiled. “I made it. You’ll make it through, too.”

“It was easier for you. You had never been there, so you didn’t know what you were missing.”

Cassidy broke eye contact with Lena and watched the past.

“Come on,” Minister urged, “we won’t go all the way.”

Cassidy had already been wooed from the living room to the bedroom. Now Minister wanted her to lie with him on the bed. They had never gone so far.

“Come on, baby, nothing’s going to happen.” He kissed her in between his pleas, and with every kiss, she was becoming more compliant.

“Okay,” Cassidy finally panted, captivated by passion, yet still determined not to go all the way. She wanted to abide by the Bible and save herself for marriage. She had told Minister this many times before.

Once they were on the bed, he said, “You know I’m going to make you my wife one day.”

She tingled with joy. “You are?”

“Yes. We’re going to be together forever.”

With that promise written on her heart, Cassidy allowed Minister beyond the boundary of her clothing.

“Will you marry me?” he groaned.

“Yes,” she breathed, and suddenly, she didn’t care what the Bible said. She loved Minister, and he was going to be her husband.

“Well, I have to go.” Lena opened the door. “Hulk and I are meeting his parents for brunch.”

“I’ll walk you over. I need to find Trevor.”

“Are you feeling okay? You look kind of worn-out around the eyes.”

Cassidy put on her sunglasses. “I haven’t been getting enough sleep.”

Lena formed a teasing grin as they walked ahead. “You and Trevor having those late-night parties, huh, girl?”

Cassidy did not correct her friend. They sauntered into the post-service crowd, and she hugged Lena and Hulk good-bye, congratulating them one more time. She strolled up the walkway toward the church, saying hello to members she knew and a few she didn’t. Out of nowhere, someone stepped in front of her.

“What up?” Yaneesha hurled the greeting.

An internal warning beeped. “Hello, Yaneesha,” Cassidy said, her salutation far from cheerful yet close enough to civil not to be considered impolite.

“Married life been good to you?”

“It’s fine.” Cassidy looked at the front doors of the church, hoping Trevor was coming through them.

“You lookin’ for your
man
?”

Cassidy maintained a friendly facade. “Have you seen him?”

“I just got through talkin’ to him. He’s in the bookstore ordering this morning’s message.”

There was something mocking in Yaneesha’s smile. Cassidy excused herself and stepped around the woman in her path.

“Trevor was at my place last night,” Yaneesha called out.

Cassidy walked forward, meditating more on the scripture from today’s sermon, not giving Yaneesha’s mumbo jumbo a second thought.

“I’m coming,” Cassidy shrieked. “Hold on. Just hold on.”

Cassidy lifted her back from the mattress with a violent jerk. Drenched in sweat, she prayed into unsteady palms, “Oh, God, how much more of this can I take?”

Trevor sat up next to her. His hand covered her shoulder. “Did you have the dream about the little drowning boy?”

“Yes,” she gasped. Within the last month, she’d had the dream four or five times a week. This was the first time she’d had it twice in the same night. She threw aside the sheet and crawled from the bed. Her legs felt like they’d been strapped with sandbags, and her sluggish steps to the bathroom were a reflection of the discomfort.

At the sink, Cassidy splashed her face with lukewarm water and reached for her towel. She held the thick cotton to her cheeks, then slowly pulled it away and faced the woman in the mirror with reservation. She looked bad. The fingers of broken sleep had painted dark and pronounced lines under her eyes.

Cassidy wasn’t going to church today looking like this. She didn’t want to go to church today, anyway—not with Colvin there. Cassidy imagined that the disappointment on Colvin’s face would be as clear as it had been years ago.

“Who are you babysitting for?” Colvin asked, stepping into the living room of the apartment he shared with Minister. Colvin wasn’t supposed to be back from his trip home to see his parents until the end of the week.

Cassidy looked from Minister to Colvin and back to Minister, waiting for Minister to say something.

“We’re not babysitting,” Minister slashed, peeking through the venetian blinds for the hundredth time.

Colvin dropped his duffel bag, and his face tightened with seriousness. “Then what’s going on?”

“It’s ours,” Minister admitted, shocking Cassidy. Minister had been so adamant about no one finding out about the pregnancy. When he graduated in the spring, his daddy was making him the assistant pastor at one of the largest churches in Pittsburgh, and Minister didn’t want a scandal that might jeopardize the position. Nor did Minister want to lose his financing. Minister’s father would continue to pay for his education and his apartment as long as he maintained a GPA of 3.0 or better, didn’t do anything illegal, and practiced abstinence.

Colvin inched to the couch and eased down next to Cassidy. “Yours?” he asked, disbelief glued to the word.

Cassidy nodded, and tears fell from her eyes. She rocked, but the baby continued to fuss.

Colvin placed his hand on her back. “You just had her?”

“It’s a boy,” Cassidy peeped.

Colvin sat dumbfounded for a moment. “Are you all right?”

Cassidy nodded that she was, realizing that Minister hadn’t once asked how she was. “The delivery was easy. I didn’t have much pain. It felt like I had to go to the bathroom”—she blushed—“and then he was here.”

“Well, shouldn’t you go to the hospital or something?”

“The hospital is exactly where we’re going.” Minister slapped his hands to his head like bookends and paced in front of them. “Why can’t you get it to be quiet?”

Cassidy cringed every time Minister referred to the baby as “it.” She silently questioned what kind of pastor Minister would be if he was this wired under pressure.

Using one finger, Colvin petted the baby’s hand. “He’s so cute. What’s his name?”

Minister marched to the window again and looked through the blinds. “We’re not giving it a name because we’re not keeping it.”

“What do you mean you’re not keeping him?” Colvin’s eyes zeroed in on Cassidy and examined her face for an answer.

Minister snapped at Colvin, stating their intentions. “We’re taking it to the hospital and dropping it off as soon as the crowd outside clears.” One of Minister’s neighbors was in the middle of a late-night birthday party that had spilled onto the lawn.

“You’re abandoning him?”

“We’re not abandoning him. We’re giving him a chance at a better life.”

“You can’t be serious, man. What could be better than this baby having his real parents?” Colvin asked her directly, “You don’t want to do this, do you, Cassidy?”

“I don’t know.” She shivered with fear. “I don’t know what to do.”

Minister stormed toward them. “Look, man, we don’t need your input. We’ve already made our decision.” He plopped on the sofa on the other side of Cassidy. “Listen, baby, we’ve already discussed this. Giving it away is the best thing. I can’t have a child in my life right now. I’m about to become a leader in the church. I’m on my way to grad school. I can’t handle a kid right now. And you don’t need one, either, if you’re going to finish college.”

“I could go back home and finish at a school in Philly.”

Colvin interjected, “Lots of women go to school and raise kids at the same time.”

Minister struck Cassidy where it hurt. “Are you going to ask your aging aunt to give you and a baby a home after all the sacrifices she’s already made for you? And don’t forget how crushed she’ll be that you had a baby out of wedlock.”

Colvin jumped up from the sofa. His eyes were ablaze. “Oh, man, don’t even go there!”

Minister’s voice was equally angry. “This is not your business, Colvin. Stay out of it!”

“Please, please don’t fight about it,” Cassidy begged. “You’re scaring the baby.” His cries were going through her, ripping her heart piece by piece.

“Don’t do it, Cassidy.” Colvin fell to his knees in front of her. “Don’t give away your baby. You’re going to regret it.”

Minister put his arm around her waist and leaned in close. He balanced his voice a notch above a whisper. “Do you love our baby?”