Forever With You (Silver State Series) (19 page)

Once I’m standing in the quiet corridor outside the lecture hall, I tap on the missed call and wait as the phone begins to ring.  Jack sounds a little out of breath when he answers, and I picture him jogging from another room to pick up the old corded handset in the kitchen.  “Kyle?” he breathes into the phone.

“Yeah, what’s up?  Is there something wrong?”

“Well… I’m sorry if I interrupted anything, son,” he begins.  “Your grandmother wanted to talk to you—“

Before he can finish another voice comes on the line.  “Is that you, Kyle?” Donna says.

“Yeah, it’s me.”  I glance through the rectangular window in the lecture hall door and see the professor pacing in front of the class, and I wonder what I’m missing.  I don’t know whether to feel more alarmed or irritated that they chose now to call.

“I told him I could wait till this evening when you were out of class, but the old coot wouldn’t listen to me,” she says, directing her grumpiness at Jack just as he hangs up.

“What’s up?” I ask, trying to keep my voice neutral so as not to show my impatience.

Donna heaves a sigh.  “I went to see the doctor, and I have breast cancer.”  She says it all in the same breath, in the same petulant tone you’d use to complain about someone taking too long to count their change at the grocery store checkout.

Several seconds tick by as I struggle to process what she just said.  Several more pass before I’m able to even begin formulating a coherent response.  It occurs to me she’s continued to ramble on in the meantime, and what she has to say is probably important for me to hear – but I can’t make sense of a single word.  When she finally pauses all I can think to say is, “What?”

“I said, this isn’t anything for you to worry about.  They caught it early, so it will be perfectly fine.  I have no idea why Jack insisted on calling you
right this second
…”  Her voice trails off as she continues grumbling about my grandpa’s perceived overeagerness.

“No, I’m glad he called.  This is a pretty big deal, Donna.  I just need to throw a few things in a bag, and I’ll head home this afternoon.” 

My mind is still spinning as I manage the logistics in my head when she surprises me by saying quite forcefully, “
No. 
You are
not
to come home.  You have school – please don’t be ridiculous and make a big deal out of this like everyone else is.  You know I can’t stand for things to be blown out of proportion.”

I sigh, recognizing the grim determination in her voice.  I can tell she really doesn’t want me to come back.  “Listen,” she says her voice softer, more placating.  “This isn’t an emergency, okay?  You know I always love having you home, but I can wait.  Let’s see how things go, and if you still want to come in a few weeks then I’d be all for it.”

I chew on the inside of my cheek, completely torn.  Finally I let out a resigned exhale, letting her win.  “Okay,” I say quietly.  “How are you feeling though?”

“I’m
fine
,” she says.  “No different than usual.”

“All right… Good.  Can you just…put Jack back on the phone, please?” 

I work to dislodge the lump forming at the base of my throat as I wait for Jack to come back on the line.  When he picks up again, I clear my throat.  “So…” I begin.  “Was she telling me the truth?  Is she feeling okay?”

Jack sighs, sounding just as defeated as I feel.  “For the most part, yes, she seems to be,” he replies.  “You know she doesn’t like to complain, though.  It’s hard to tell when she’s telling the truth and when she’s telling a fib to keep people from worrying over her.”

“Yeah, I know,” I say, using my free hand to massage my forehead as I cast my gaze down at the speckled linoleum floor.

I ask a few more questions and listen as Jack fills me in as best he can on everything the doctors have told them so far – treatments, cures, prognoses.  By the time we hang up, class has been dismissed and students are pouring from every classroom on the corridor.  I fight my way back into the lecture hall just long enough to grab my stuff, then push out the side exit. 

My mind is a swirling clusterfuck of emotions.  I begin to feel dizzy, so I drop onto a stone bench and attempt to process my thoughts.  I’m sad for Donna, and I’m scared for Jack – I can’t envision either of them without the other.  And, much as I hate to admit it, deep down I’m also
angry
– because I can’t help thinking of my good-for-nothing mother, and how she should be there with them right now.  Too bad the idea of her stepping out on her vagrant lifestyle long enough to care about someone else for a change is almost
laughable
.

After a few minutes I pull out my phone again and send a text message to the only person I know who might actually be able to understand what’s going on in my head right now.

Tawny
– 12:45 PM

You busy?

I’m in the student union having lunch when I receive the text message from Kyle.  I twitch my lips to the side as I puzzle out what to say.  I’m still not
happy
about the way things ended up last Friday night, but time and distance have lent me some perspective, and his words are beginning to seem like less of an affront.

At the union eating.  I have class at 1:30.  Why?

Is it OK if I join you?

I’m by the food court, 2
^nd
floor

Be there in 5

My stomach begins a gymnastics routine as I wait for him – after a moment I push my tray away, no longer hungry.  Lord, how I wish my body wasn’t so violently affected by the simple thought of having him around.

I’m tucking some loose papers back in my bag in an effort to keep my hands busy when Kyle finds me – I glance up to find him standing directly in front of me, and I nearly overturn my seat as I jump in surprise.  He laughs, his face transformed by his radiantly handsome smile.  “Jumpy,” he says teasingly as he pulls out the chair across from me and lowers himself into it.

I take a deep breath and struggle to get my heartbeat back under control.  “You scared me,” I murmur as my fingers come up to touch my breastbone.

“Obviously,” he replies, settling back in his chair and stretching his legs out straight in front of him so his foot rubs up against my bare ankle.  He clasps his hands behind his head and continues to look at me with an amused smirk on his face.

I sit up a little straighter under his watchful scrutiny as I wiggle my tailbone to scoot back in my chair.  “So…” I say.  “What’s new with you?”

He sighs, then draws his legs back in and sits forward, a slight frown blending with the afterglow of his charming smile.  I begin to worry as he rests his elbow on the table and begins kneading at his forehead with his fingertips.  “I just talked to my grandma,” he says in a low voice, as if he’s afraid of being overheard by someone at a nearby table.  “I guess she has breast cancer?”  He says it like a question, as if I’m the keeper of the facts and he merely wishes to confirm his grandmother’s story.  I have a feeling it’s his best attempt at keeping his tone light.

My heart, which has only just regained its normal rhythm, resumes its erratic clattering in my chest.  There’s that dreaded word –
cancer
.  How I hate it, with a burning, fiery passion.

Certain I must be grimacing, I work to school my features.  I don’t even think before my hand shoots across the table and covers Kyle’s.  He stares down at our hands, then smoothly flips his palm face up and intertwines our fingers.  Giving him a small squeeze, I duck my head down to catch his eye.  “I’m so sorry, Kyle,” I say softly in a voice I hope is similar to the soothing tone Rhiannon would use with me whenever she’d try to comfort me in the past.

He lifts his chin, gazing bravely into my eyes.  On the surface his expression is impassive, almost cool, but as I stare deeper into his light chocolate eyes I can sense his grief – it’s an emotion I’m all too familiar with. 

I continue to hold his gaze, waiting for him to say more.  I want to ask all the questions my brain is conditioned to wonder – How far along is her disease?  Has it spread?  How will they treat it?  What’s her prognosis?  But I bite my tongue, knowing well how it feels
not
to want to rehash all of those details.

After a few minutes, Kyle gives my hand a light squeeze and says, “Walk with me.”

Kyle – 1:15 PM

I
t’s one of those classic late summer days – cool in the shade, warm in the sun, and just a hint of a breeze.  Tawny walks close beside me, following my lead as I head in the direction of Manzanita Lake.  For some reason she’s a calming presence; I can feel myself relaxing as we walk, even though we don’t speak until we reach the water’s edge.  We stop on the grassy bank and gaze out at the blue reflective surface as a couple of overfed ducks paddle around in lazy circles nearby.

“Is it weird that my biggest concern in all this is my grandpa?” I say finally.  I can just make out Tawny in the periphery of my field of vision as she turns to look at me. 

“No, it’s not weird,” she says softly. 

I squint my eyes as I continue to watch the ducks, holding some indefinable emotion at bay.  “Donna’s tough,” I explain.  “She never worries about herself – always just other people.  She doesn’t like for anyone else to worry about her either.  I guess I figure if anyone can survive this, she can…”  I pause to collect my thoughts before going on.  “But Jack – I don’t know… He depends on her for so much, you know?  I don’t mean just cooking and laundry and shit like that.  I mean, he really
relies
on her…for his happiness.”

I look at Tawny – her pretty face is etched with hard lines of concern.  As I’m looking at her she begins to swim out of focus; my mind skips to a vision of my grandparents, and I begin to smile.  When my eyes find Tawny again, she’s watching me with curiosity and interest. 

“Seeing the two of them together – it’s kind of fascinating,” I say.  “Donna’s a talker, she could talk your ear off.  And Jack’s always been very stoic, he barely says a word.  Like he figures she does all the talking for both of them.  When I was little I’d lie in bed and listen to them after they’d gone into their room – well, I’d listen to
Donna
.  She talks and talks, and Jack just lies there and listens to her – every night.  It’s this very symbiotic relationship they have – it’s amazing.”

She smiles.  “I love that for them,” she says.

I nod.  “I do, too.”

After a few more minutes of absently staring into space, I glance back up the hill at the sidewalks teeming with students on their way to class, and a thought occurs to me.  “Oh, shit,” I say.  “I’m sorry – I forgot you have a class to get to.”

Tawny shakes her head minutely.  “It’s okay,” she says.  “It already started.”

I start to argue with her, but then I’m overcome with a sense of gratitude, and all I can do is smile down at her.  The breeze whips a strand of hair across her face, and it sticks to her lips.  Without thinking, I reach out and brush my fingertips across her cheek, tugging the strand away from her mouth.  She stills beneath my touch but doesn’t flinch away.  As I stare into her bright blue irises my mind leaps unbidden back to the image of her with her bald head, looking worn down and yet still cheerful in the face of seemingly insurmountable adversity.  Even though it now seems so long ago, I’m still amazed by this girl – present circumstances only serve to deepen my respect for her fortitude.

And yet, looking at her makes a part of me feel sad, too.  I know she doesn’t want me or anyone else to feel sorry for her, but when I look at her I can’t help grieving for what she lost, even if she did manage to hold onto her life.  She’s so
young
– and Donna is, too, in her own way.  As I gaze down at Tawny, their faces begin to blur together in my mind, and suddenly searing hot tears are shoving against the backs of my eyes, threatening to break loose. 

I press my lips together and draw in a deep breath, then reach for Tawny’s thin shoulders and pull her up against me.  She folds herself wholeheartedly into my embrace, cinching her arms around my middle and holding me in a way I’ve never been held.  I wrap one arm around her shoulders and use the other to cradle her head against my chest.  Slowly I turn my face and lay my cheek against the crown of her head; I breathe in and out with my eyes squeezed shut until my breathing has returned to normal and the tears have dissolved.

A while later we slowly meander back toward the middle of campus.  We walk to the north end of the quad before parting ways.  I thank Tawny for taking the time to listen to me and apologize again for making her miss class.  She brushes me off with a wave of her hand that vaguely reminds me of Donna. 

Just as I’m pivoting to walk away, Tawny catches the back of my hand, and I turn in surprise.  “I’ll be thinking about you – and her,” she says, her voice laden with sincerity.  “Just tell me how I can help.”

I feel a fount of affection surge up inside of me, and I smile broadly as I nod.  “I will.”

Chapter 16 – Shots

Saturday, September 17

Tawny – 9:30 PM

A
nother weekend, another party.  This time Beatrix insisted I tag along for a Nu Alpha Kappa event.  She styled my hair half up, half down, and loaned me a dress she swore would be “a big hit” – it’s a tight black, strapless tube dress with a heart-shaped neckline.  After she filled my lips in with bright red lipstick and darkened my eyelashes with ebony mascara, I drew the line at wearing the strappy stiletto pumps she had picked out for me, instead opting for my comfier yellow peep-toe heels.  I barely recognized myself by the time we walked out the door, and I don’t mean that in a good way – I feel like a two-bit tramp.