Forever Red (24 page)

“You’re acting weird.” She crossed her arms, looking at me like I was a puzzle she needed to figure out.

I felt weird. I wasn’t sure if it was the caffeine coursing through my veins, the fact that I hadn’t slept in thirty-six hours, or the knowledge that Red was out there, waiting for me. Not only was she here to see the show, Noah had somehow convinced her and her friends to stay in the house with the band.

That meant I got to spend time with her tonight after the show, all day tomorrow, and tomorrow night. We were back on the road first thing Tuesday morning, heading down to New York for a few interviews and then we had a show Wednesday night. But at some point in the next twenty-four hours, Lia and I would have a chance to talk. We’d say what we needed to say and then we’d move on.

Molly was still gawking at me as if I was the prize display in a freak show. I only laughed and shrugged. “Show energy.”

She nodded. Then her face softened and she touched my arm. “You okay?”

I was tired, yeah, but I didn’t think you could tell by looking at me, yet she suddenly looked very worried. “Yeah.” I stretched the word out, saying it slowly. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I haven’t seen you all day and just wanted to check in.” Mols tipped her head and bit her lip, eyes sweeping over me again. “You’re exhausted and I know you thought you’d bring Lia back with you… it’s a bad combination.” She scrunched her nose as if she didn’t know what else to say.

I raised my eyebrows, completely confused. “Lia is here, Mols. She and her friends came back with us and are crashing at the house.”

“What? They’re staying with us?” Her sneer threw me off. She acted offended – as if I should have asked her permission before inviting my friends to stay with me.

I nodded cautiously, feeling like we were on very rocky ground. “I thought you knew or I would have told you.”

“How in the fuck would I have known?” she snapped. “I had sound check, and then I was in wardrobe, and then make-up, and then I had interviews that you were supposed to be at.”

“I did mine over the phone,” I said and she looked at me like I’d just kicked her puppy. Instantly, I felt like shit. “Hey”—I grabbed her, pulling her into my arms—“I’m sorry, I missed your first big interview. How’d it go?”

She shook her head against my chest. “Terrible,” came the muffled reply. She leaned back a little, looking up at me with a sad expression. “I sounded like a ditsy blonde bimbo.”

I laughed because no one would use those words to describe her. “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“It was. Really.” She pouted up at me. “You were supposed to be there to make sure I didn’t sound like an idiot.”

“I’m sorry, kid. Next time, I’m all yours.”

“That’s if I don’t murder him first,” Mike told her from the doorway.

“Uh, oh.” Molly laughed, pulling away from me. “Someone didn’t run his plans by the big man.” She winked at me over her shoulder as she strutted to the door. “I’ll see you on stage.”

“Knock ‘em dead, Mols!” I yelled and she smiled again before squeezing past Mike.

As soon as she was out of the room, my best friend stepped into it and shut the door. “What in the fuck are you doing?”

Why was everyone asking me that? I sighed because I knew exactly what he was asking and it had nothing to do with pre-show stretches. What I didn’t know is if he was asking as my head of security or as my friend. I knew that it was hard for him to be both sometimes, but this time the lines were really going to blur.

Mike had been my best friend for the last twelve years, but he’d only run my security for the past few. He’d enlisted in the Navy before we’d even graduated and had planned to be career military before getting hurt and medically discharged. He never talked about his time away, even when he was active. I did know that he’d seen horrible shit, but until he wanted to tell me what, I wouldn’t pry.

Mike always had my back. He’d gained two inches and a solid sixty pounds of muscle and had just become an overall badass. Not someone that people wanted to fuck with. He kept the crazies away and made sure that everyone on my tour stayed safe.

He was more than that, though. I told him everything. When I got drunk and became a whiney pussy, he’d listen without judgment. He talked me through some of my biggest decisions for the band. And he told me when I was being a fucking douche. Friends like that were hard to find.

“I can ask you the same thing. You’re not working tonight. Things go south?”

“Yeah. The husband’s still a dick. I got to have Jake last night and this morning. He understands.” Mike glared at me, letting me know he wanted an answer to his question.

I wouldn’t sugarcoat it or downplay it. Lia had been his childhood best friend, and if she hadn’t stopped talking to him, I’m sure they’d still be close. But he’d lost her because of me. I owed him the truth.

“I don’t have a fucking clue.” I shrugged. “She was at the concert last night, right there in the fucking line. I lost it. I can’t think straight when she’s around.”

He nodded slowly as if understanding. He knew. No one else did, but Mike knew it all. “You brought her to the house?” he asked and I nodded. “She here now?”

“In the suite.” I wanted her to see the show. I hadn’t talked to her much on the way down, but her friends were all very chatty. Apparently, Lia was quite the fan. She’d never been to one of my real shows – last night didn’t count – for obvious reasons. I didn’t want her to see it from backstage or struggle to see from floor seats, so I put her and her friends in the suite that was reserved for my family. She was off to the side, but she’d get an unrestricted view of the entire show without having to deal with the fans. 

“You need me?” he asked, but I didn’t. He knew that. In fact, he wasn’t even supposed to be here. I’d given him the weekend off to see his family. Nikki must have called him back. He turned to go and I knew he was heading straight for Lia.

“Take it easy on her, Mike. She’s not the same girl she used to be.”

He stopped, looking back at me. “I’d be worried if she was. None of us are the same as we used to be, Kelly. We grew up, remember?”

He disappeared and I felt like I should call the suite and warn them. Fuck it, though. She’d done it to herself and we all had to face the music at some point. I just wish I could’ve been there to see them face off. I agreed with Nik; my money was on the redhead.

“Holy shit. Look at this view.”

I rolled my eyes, not bothering to lift my head off the back of the comfy, overstuffed chair that I was currently sprawled in. The three of them were standing in front of the glass windows, watching as employees flitted all around the stadium, getting ready for the show. They’d been there for the last twenty minutes, gasping and carrying on about how great the view was, how big our private suite was. I got it; it was amazing. Yada, yada, yada. They could shut up any second now.

“Ce? Come on, come look. People are starting to show up.”

Good for them. I didn’t need to see it.

There was movement behind me and the door opened. I hoped it was our waiter bringing back our drinks. I needed booze. I needed it now. I picked up my head to see, but instead of the waiter, a bear of a man walked into the room.

I stood, shocked, and I ran to him. “Mikey?”

He laughed, picking me up and squeezing me. “Lee,” he whispered in my ear before dropping me on my feet. Then his hands found my cheeks and he tipped my face back the same time he ducked, leaning close. So close it would look like he was about to kiss me to someone that didn’t know us. “What in the hell are you doing here?” His voice was barely a whisper, meant only for me.

“I don’t know.” It was the only answer I had. Because I didn’t have a fucking clue how I ended up here or how in the hell Nate Kelly’s lips had been on mine just a few hours ago. Then I scowled at my friend. “What in the hell are you doing here?”

Mike dropped his hands and swallowed. That’s when I noticed the lanyard around his neck. His looked a little different from the ones Nikki had handed us earlier, but it was his jacket that gave it away – the same one the crew had on at Nate’s concert last night. If he turned around, I knew it would say, “Nate Kelly’s Bacardi Rum Tour.”

He lifted a hand in defense as I started to put two and two together. “It isn’t what you think.”

I snorted, running my tongue along the inside of my teeth, praying for patience and feeling like an idiot. “Private security, huh? When you said you found a great job, one that you’d never be able to talk to me about, one that would take you all over the world, I assumed you meant you were working for the FBI.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Or, at least, that’s the only thing that made sense for someone that had been injured in the line of duty.”

“I told you I couldn’t tell you about my job, but I told you it was private security work.”

“That’s what everyone in the FBI says,” I snapped back quietly as the ladies realized that we weren’t alone and abandoned their spot by the window.

“Petey!” Cort hollered, rushing over to give him a hug. Mike had spent a lot of time at our apartment over the past few years, anytime he was in town to see his kid and didn’t want to deal with his parents or when he just needed friends. He and Cort had gotten quite close. Everyone said the two of them would make an adorable couple; they would if he had the equipment she liked in her partners. I was more her type than he was.

“Brat!” Mike smiled back, kissing the top of her head in a brotherly fashion.

Then she realized what he was wearing and immediately looked at me, pointing at his jacket. “I think that I’ve missed something big here.”

I nodded. We had. Being the shit he always had been, Mike held out his hand. “Mike Carson, personal bodyguard to the stars.”

“You’re an asshole,” I shot back.

He only nodded in agreement, smiling.

“Hey, PTAF boy!” Nina hollered from across the room, “Didn’t think I’d see you here.”

I inwardly groaned. Poor Mike. One night, while drunk off my ass, my friends and I had an in-depth conversation about sex. Okay, so that was actually a common occurrence. But the first time anal sex had been brought up, I’d lost it and told them that I was part of the “PTAF 4 life club,” which led to the story about Mike.

They’d all met him, of course, but he’d still been in the Navy, which made the whole thing more humorous to them. From that night forward, he was no longer Mike to them; no, he was PT, which eventually became Petey, or PTAF boy. He’d tried for years to figure it out, thinking it was an acronym for something flattering. He’d settled on Pretty, Tall, and Fuckable. I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

He smiled over at Nina, “Shrimp.” But, when his eyes landed on Cora, I saw him tense and his jaw clench. She smiled in his direction but didn’t look at him. Cort’s eyes caught mine and we shared a knowing look. We didn’t know what had happened there, and neither of us really wanted to. Cora was happily married and Mike, after being cheated on himself, was not the type of man that would come between a woman and her husband. But something was off between them and it had been since Mike got hurt and spent his first miserable month after discharge on my couch.

“I know you must have a really good reason to be standing here, wearing that”—Courtney gestured to his jacket—“so I would love to hear it. How long have you worked for Nate? And why’d you keep it from home girl?”

Mike shifted, looking extremely uncomfortable. “Because CeCe and Nate have a complicated history, and she didn’t want to know anything about him.”

“Does he know? About us, I mean?” I took a deep breath, not sure I really wanted the answer.

“No.” Mike turned to me, suddenly very serious. “And we need to talk about that.”

He meant we needed to talk alone. But there would be no privacy in this room. Not with my nosy friends. Or the fans that were being shown into the suite next to ours. “Are you allowed to take an old friend on a tour?”

He smiled. “You’ll miss the opener.”

I shrugged. I’d seen Molly Whatever last night, and after hearing Noah and Nate talk about her earlier, I didn’t need to see her perform again. He held out an arm and we waved goodbye to three annoyed looking women.

I followed him into the elevator and down and around, thinking he was taking me backstage. Instead, we ended up in a giant bar. He waited until we found a high table and had drinks in hand before he started talking about his boss. “Have you two had a chance to talk?” he asked and I shook my head as I poked my ice with the straw. There had been chances for us to talk to each other, but we’d blown them all.

Mike picked at the label on his beer.

“Should you even be drinking if you’re working?”

“I’m not working,” he shrugged. “I have the weekend off.”

I looked up from my drink, surprised. “I’m sure Jake would have loved the show. Why not bring him?” I watched as Mike’s features contorted, making him look like the dangerous man he was. That was a look I’d seen reserved for his son’s new stepdad. “Oh.”

Mike nodded, sighing. “I had him yesterday. Got to see him kick ass in his game. That kid can throw a ball like no one can.” He lifted the bottle, swallowing it. “I was going to surprise you tonight. Thought I’d call Cort and see where y’all were.”

I smiled at the “y’all.” Mike had picked up several phrases that made me smile, but now I wondered if they were from the Navy or from Neil. Nate. Good God.

“Coming to help me celebrate my spinsterhood?”

He laughed. “Yep. Figured since you were an old maid, you wouldn’t mind being seen with me now.”

“So…” I trailed off, not sure where to start. “I’m guessing you didn’t tell him where I lived.”

“Nate?” He bit his bottom lip before lifting his bottle again. “Nope. He called the car company.” He pursed his lips. “I didn’t know until today when Nikki called. It must have been a shock.”

“It was a fucked up morning,” I agreed. “If he’d gotten there fifteen minutes earlier, he’d have met Ben.”

Mike slammed his beer down. “What?” he whispered harshly. He’d met him once while Ben and I were dating and had warned me. I don’t remember the conversation exactly, but he’d called him something like, “an egotistical loose cannon.” Mike had been right.

“It’s fine. I took care of it. He left without a problem.”

Mike narrowed his eyes.

“Really. It’s fine. I’m just glad he was gone before Nate got there.”

“I thought you were gonna call me if he was a problem.”

“I was. But you’re here and I’m telling you now.” I offered a giant smile, even though I knew he’d see it was fake. “So you’ve really never told him that we’re still friends?”

Mike held his bottle in the air, signaling the waitress to bring another. “You asked me not to.” He smiled at the waitress as she handed him another bottle and slid a second tequila sunrise in front of me.

I hadn’t planned to drink another. Fuck it. Go big or go home. Did that saying even apply to alcohol? Whatever. I would probably need to be half in the bag to make it through this weekend. “No. I told you that I didn’t want to hear about him. You wouldn’t stop badgering me, remember? I just assumed he didn’t want to know anything about me.”

“He did, though. He looked for you. He called your dad and your mom. He called me, begging me to get your dad to talk to him. Then he figured that when you were ready, you’d find him.”

“Why?” It seemed strange to be having this conversation now, years after it mattered. “You’ve heard the song – he hates me. Why would he look for me?”

“Maybe he does, Lee.”

I couldn’t swallow; there was a giant lump in my throat that refused to allow anything to pass it.

“But he loves you more.”

“You do realize how fucked up that is, right? You can’t love someone you hate!”

Mike reached out and covered my hand with his. “Yeah, you can. I fucking hate Jules and what she did to my family. I hate that she got pregnant on purpose. I hate that she married me even though she’d fallen for someone else. I hate that she doubted me so much that she fucked him while I was gone. But she gave me Jake. And Janet.” He paused, and I knew he was remembering how much it hurt when he found out his baby girl really wasn’t his. “And I love her.”

“You don’t love her, though. Not really. You tolerate her for your son. You would never take her back, would you?”

“Fuck no.”

“Okay, then. See? You cannot love someone you hate. You can love someone and hate things about them, but that’s it.”

“Fine. Then he hates that you left him. He hates that you just took off with no explanation. He hates that you hid from him and that he doesn’t know you or where you’ve been. You never let him have closure. You left. You made the decision. He didn’t get a say. Do you have any fucking idea how hard it has been to listen to him, to watch him wonder if you’re okay and not tell him I know?”

I’d never thought of it like that. I had tortured myself for years wondering about him, reading everything I could because I had to know what had happened to him. It made sense that he would have wondered the same, but I always assumed he hadn’t because I was dead to him. I never wondered about the rest of them; I could care less what happened to Ally or Missy or where they were now. But it never occurred to me that Nate would wonder about me.

“I’m sorry,” I told my friend, completely sincere. “I didn’t know.” I knew they talked and remained friends. But whenever he’d mention Neil to me, I shut him down. “I was embarrassed,” I explained, saying it out loud for the first time. “I made such a mess of everything, and then there was the whole issue with Craig.” I sighed as Mike growled. “We were kids, Mike. And I made so many mistakes.

“I was never good enough for him. If I had stayed, I was always going to be the trailer trash that he threw away everything for. I did what I did, and I feel horrible about it now, but I only did it because I loved him.”

“And because you were a chicken shit.”

I grinned. “And there’s that.”

A man and a woman started talking, introducing the opening act.

“Is he going to fire you when he finds out about us?” I asked.

“Yep. I’ll be lucky if he doesn’t kick my ass,” he said and I laughed, trying to picture anyone kicking Mike’s ass, but Mike didn’t look amused. “He’ll get over it. But he’s going to be pissed at first. I’m more worried he’ll fire me as his best friend than the head of security. I hate this job, anyway.” He smirked. “If he fired me, I could move home. Watch my kid play ball, beat up my friend’s sleazy ex.”

“You’re his best friend, so tell me, why am I here?” I asked as Molly started singing one of her twangy songs that instantly made me hate all country music. “Does he want closure? Does he want answers? I’m going to apologize, but then what? Do we become strangers again?” The idea of never seeing him again killed me. I fell back against my chair. “This entire thing is fucked.”

“What do you want?”

That was a loaded question. I wanted to know the man Nathaniel Kelly had become because I missed the boy he was. I wanted to tell him I was sorry and let him know I often thought about the life we could have had. I wanted Nate Kelly to love CeCe Foster the way Neil Kelly had loved Lia Merrill. I wanted a goddamn do-over.

Instead of telling him those things, I shook my head. If I were honest with him, he’d admit me to a damn psych ward. “Right now? I want to see my favorite musician kick some ass.”

Mike stood up, throwing a bill on the table to cover our drinks and the tip. Holding out a hand to me, he smiled. “Let’s go see him then.”