Forever Is Over (120 page)

When the children were little, my relationship with Richie was
definitely tested more than it had even been before. I would imagine
there comes a time in every relationship where it has to be worked at
and to be brutally honest, at that point, I closed my eyes to the problem
and made no effort at all. All my effort to get through from one day
to the next with minimum damage, was concentrated on the children,
especially Jamie. Going from no children to having one, is a culture
shock when you are so used to doing what you want to do, whenever
you want to do it. It is a major shock to lose that spontaneity. All of a
sudden, everything needs planning with military precision. You cannot
go anywhere without the formula, the bottles, the baby food, the cot,
the car seat, the nappies, the changes of clothes, the pram, the toys and
the dummy! Then, when you have two children, you don
’
t even have
the ability to pass the baby over to your partner for some
“
me
”
time, as
there is another one that needs looking after too! Once you have two
children, you appreciate how easy it was when you just had one! Richie
and I would not have coped with a third child, especially not if the
third was a similar type to Jamie, so I
was always on at him to have a
vasectomy. Admittedly, this was like putting a cape under the nostrils
of a wounded bull! Richie used to say that asking him to have the snip
was like telling a bald man that he needed to have a haircut!

With hindsight, I appreciate things were not great in our marriage
at this point, but I am not saying that the blame lay squarely with me.
It was our collective fault. Looking back, we failed to communicate
properly. Richie was happy to moan about his lack of sexual opportunities
and I was equally happy to criticise him for not providing enough of a
helping hand around the house, but we were not adult enough about
our own situation to subsequently talk through proper solutions. We
should have been talking about how
Richie could help me more and
as a consequence, I could be energised and could then try harder to
find time for Richie. It was not just sex t
hat Richie was crying out for,
it was physical and emotional affection. We had transformed from a
tactile couple to a couple who could find time to hug our children but
not each other.
“
I love you
”
, came to be something we said rather than
something we meant.

On 4
th
July 2000, everything changed. Love, health and money
are all alike in that you do not appreciate what you have until you no
longer have them. I still do not enjoy
thinking back to the events of
that day, but they happened and nothing can change that now. All
I would say, is that it is only in moments of adversity that you can
truly understand how strong or weak a relationship is. We were like a
building feeling the full force of an earthquake. 4
th
July 2000, tested
whether our relationship was structurally sound or had already begun
to subside, collapsing around us, leaving only memories of what used
to be and scattered debris.

Very recently, Dorothy, Richie
’
s Mum, said something to me which
turns out was a quote from a seventeenth century Frenchman called Jean
de la Bruyere. She simply said,
“
Out of difficulties grow miracles
”
. Back
in 2000, no day had ever been as difficult throughout our relationship
as 4
th
July. That day turned everything on its head. Perhaps saying that
subsequently
‘
miracles grew
’
, would be stretching the truth a little,
but it is certainly true to say that ever
ything that happened that day,
changed the relationship I had with Richie, and also with my sister,
Kelly, forever.

It all felt very peculiar. Sitting on the
“
Sunny Road
”
, looking across
to the Welsh hills one way and Blackpool Tower the other, with the
adult version of my teenage sweetheart sitting by my side on the grass
verge. It was all a little difficult to take in. Part of me felt like a time
machine had transformed me back to the era of the Birch
’
s party. I
felt young again inside but old on the outside. To an extent, it was like
being one of those old dears they feature in the national papers who
stumble across their first true love, seventy
five years after first getting
it on and get married in their nursing home wearing a veil, false teeth
and incontinence pads! There was definitely still an attraction, there was
definitely still a spark, but there was something uncomfortable about it all. I was on the adrenalin rush of the old drug but I knew the following
morning I would feel like shit! The following morning at the latest. I
was already starting to make myself feel sick with guilt, the fact that I had slid my wedding ring off my finger and into my jeans pocket was no doubt a contributory factor!

We had spent the first five minutes together making mundane
conversation as old friends who are trying to rekindle that old energy
do.

“
You look well!
”

“
What do you do these days?
”

“
Where are you living now?
”
etc.

Inevitably the conversation was going to come around to marital
status. Kelly
’
s marital status from four years previous had already been
established in her letter and I was assuming not a great deal would have
changed otherwise she would not have been here, but mine was still a
mystery to her. She would be asking about it, I knew that, I just did
not know how I would answer. I knew I wasn
’
t going to be telling the
truth, I just wasn
’
t sure whether I would be running with the white lie
or the outright lie. I had slid my wedding ring off whilst making that
judgement call.

Kelly still looked fantastic. Her face had thinned slightly since her
teenage years and the odd line had crept tenderly onto her face, but she
remained slender, porcelain skinned and those green eyes continued to
mesmerise me like they always had. Emboldened as the familiarity of
the conversation and company returned, I asked a straight question,
figuring attack was the best form of defence.

“
So who was the guy?
”

“
Which guy?
”
Kelly asked puzzled.

“
The guy who did a runner as I arrived!
”

“
Oh! That was just Roddy!
”

“
A boyfriend?
”

“
No, just a friend. He
’
d like to be my boyfriend and he
’
s a lovely,
lovely person
…”

“
I sense a but.
”

“
But I want to be loved not worshipped. It would be a long way
down from that pedestal.
”

I shrugged. I wasn
’
t in total agreement. At that point, I felt adoration
from Jemma would have resolved many of our problems.

“
Kelly, maybe you would enjoy being in a relationship with someone w
ho feels that strongly for you. I used to adore you.
”

I blushed a little. There was no need.

“
Yes but that was mutual, I don
’
t think I could ever be that
emotionally passionate about Roddy.
”

“
So you
’
re still single then, Kelly?
”

“
Yes, I said in my letter that there have been a number of ships that
have passed in the night but none that I have taken to port. Well, it
’
s
been a dry dock since then!
”

“
That analogy is not meant to be sexu
al is it?
”

“
NO! Richie Billingham! You and your dirty mind!
”

We were smiling at each other, slightly lovestruck but that was just
old
feelings, I guess. Nothing more than old feelings.

“
So, you have no children, Kelly?
”

“
No. No marriage, no children, I am destined to die a lonely old
spinster! Me and my dry dock are going to have to get used to that.
”

“
Yes, there
’
s nothing down for you, Kelly! I mean look at the state
of you! In no time at all you
’
ll be eighty six, sitting on the prom at
Blackpool, feeding breadcrumbs to pigeons! How old are you? Twenty
seven
?
”

“
Twenty
eight
.
”

“
Past it either way! Your best years are behind you, Kelly!
”

“
Honestly, sometimes it feels that way!
”

“
Don
’
t be daft!
”

“
Well, life seems to have lost its sense of fun a bit recently, that
’
s
all.
”

“
Yes, because you spent years travelling around the world. Normality
isn
’
t going to seem quite as much fun as that! You are beautiful,
independent woman, enjoy your life. Maybe this Roddy isn
’
t the guy
for you, but there will be plenty of others for you to choose from.
”

I could not believe I was trying to encourage Kelly to go out and
find someone. When I had made the decision to meet her, I thought I
would be trying to lie and cheat my way back into a relationship with her, but everything was stopping me - personality, guilt, Jemma, the kids, everything.

“
I
’
m sorry, Richie! You just seem to get
me to open up, to reveal how I
am really feeling. You were always good at that. That was one of the things
I liked about you, Richie, you were always so open and honest.
”

“
Go on, ask me who I
’
m married to?
”
I thought to myself.

“
So anyway,
”
Kelly continued,
“
en
ough of my moaning on. Tell me
a bit more about what you
’
ve been up to. Are you married?
”

             
Spooky!

“
Am I married?
”

“
It
’
s not a difficult one, Richie! You must remember! I noticed you
don
’
t wear a wedding ring, but that doesn
’
t necessarily mean you aren
’
t
married, so are you?
”

“
I
’
m sorry,
”
I stuttered,
“
yes, yes, I
’
m married.
”

“
OH!
”
was all Kelly said. The fact that I was married seemed to catch
Kelly off guard. I think because I was there, on the
‘
sunny road
’
, she
was at least expecting me to say I was separated or divorced, but I was
nothing of the sort. I was married. It was one of those uncomfortable
moments that seemed to last forever.