Forbidden Flowers (5 page)

Sometimes the guardian spanks Toby after this.

By now, I haven't got enough energy left to tell you many details about my daughter's slumber party she had when she was in junior high. The buzzing would kind of quiet down, and I'd think finally I could get to sleep. Then I'd hear a “Whap!” and little moans and giggles. Since then I've imagined planting a tape recorder at one of those parties. Wouldn't it be fun to 29

hear what games they really play and who gets whapped and why?

In the letters that follow, very early experiences are brought to mind. While Claudia is clearly a very healthy and erotic young woman, I like the way she gives herself permission not to hurry into sexual experience before she is emotionally ready for it. “I'm only fourteen years old, so I haven't screwed yet,” she says, adding, “but I do enjoy some sex with my boyfriends.” Reading her letter, we get the feeling that when she is ready for a full sexual experience, she will do it confidently, easily, and well. She will probably be the one who decides exactly when, where, and with whom it will take place.

The progress of Claudia's life toward full womanly eroticism seems clear; the four next letters help us chart some of the pit-falls that seem to have lain in the way for other women. The difficult terrain is very clearly mapped in Janice's letter. “I deeply love my husband,” she writes “(we have been married sixteen years), but I have always been profoundly thrilled by my fantasies, which go back to an episode in my adolescence

… . To me, now that I dare think about it after reading your book, it seems only natural that women should be aroused by incidents involving urination, given the fact that our sexual parts are so close to our urinary parts.” While the incident that Janice refers to in her fantasy happened during her adolescence, her erotic interest in, and confusion of, urinary and sexual processes most likely began far earlier in her life. By the time “Aunt Bessie” came along, Janice had long since been unconsciously prepared to find the older woman's invitation enough to “drive me out of my mind.” Denise's letter, too, reminds us that about the time mother began our toilet-training, she also began telling us not to play with ourselves “down there.” It is often a time of tension between mother and daughter – perhaps the first of their lifelong battles. All interest is focused on this one part of the body during this period, the mysteries of sex and urination become in-tertwined – because both seem to be forbidden. Eroticism and 30

excretion become emotionally combined – the vagina is experienced as the seat of a double kind of excitement.

The woman Frank writes about is fascinated by anal play –

she calls herself an “anal-erotic.” I include his letter not so much for what he tells us about himself, but because his lover is such a clear example of Freud's dictum that the anal stage of development precedes the genital. Frank's lover chooses to live out with him those fantasies that are the outgrowth and expression of early toilet-training experiences … as also seems true of Lana, whose fantasy follows Frank's letter. Robyn daydreams happily about the guiltless pleasure of her fiancé giving her an enema. In these letters, I am struck by the marvels of human nature, its recuperative power and above all, its overriding drive for health and self-acceptance. Janice, Denise, Frank's lover, Lana, and Robyn have all taken what might seem at first glance to be behavioral hang-ups, but I have found in them sources of erotic pleasure instead. I applaud them all.

Claudia

I have just finished reading your book. Thank you, for it really opened my eyes to the way many women think. Some parts shocked me, other parts disgusted me, but most of it excited me. And I truly believe there are women who feel excited even by the things that turn me off … and that's okay for them.

I find it exciting that we women are all so different.

I have never been ashamed of my fantasies, but I just didn't know that's what they were. I'm only fourteen years old, so I haven't screwed yet, but I do enjoy some sex with my boyfriends. I have had fantasies ever since I can remember. As a little kid, I imagined I was a harem girl, or a slave girl on sale at a public marketplace. I was always well-developed in the fantasy, although I was actually flat as a board then and didn't have a single pubic hair. In my fantasy, men would walk by me and examine me, but only with their eyes. It wasn't until. I was eleven years old that I even began to think and fantasize of guys putting their fingers up me. When I was ten, I stopped being the submissive one in my thoughts, and became the se-31

ducer. At night, I would (and still do) think of a foxy guy I know or a handsome teacher and imagine me telling him to suck my tits, while I softly play with his cock.

I “cock watch,” naturally. I can't help it. To me, it's just like guys looking at boobs. I sometimes wear sexy clothes, and it excites me to know that I have caused a guy to get a boner. I then imagine what his cock looks like, how large his balls are, how erect it (the dick) is, if he's circumcised or not, etc. You know, all the things girls who like guys enjoy thinking about.

I hope you can use this in your next book. It has excited me just to write about it, because I have never told anyone about these things, except when I was a kid. Thank you again for your book I think I got my first orgasm while reading it and masturbating myself, but I'm not sure. Thanks anyhow, because it felt good!

Janice

I am so pleased your book opened up an area of discussion which so directly affects my sexual life. Until reading other women's fantasies of urination – the sexual pleasure derived from such ideas – I had felt myself to be “unusual” or worse. I deeply love my husband (we have been married sixteen years), but I have always been profoundly thrilled by my fantasies, which go back to an episode in my adolescence. I have thought about this incident so often, and embroidered on it, that I am no longer quite sure what actually did happen and just what I have added to increase the pleasure thinking about it gives me.

To me, now that I dare think about it after reading your book, it seems only natural that women should be aroused by incidents involving urination, given the fact that our sexual parts are so close to our urinary parts. I sometimes think that if I dared think about many of the things that frighten me, the fear would be replaced so easily by self-acceptance; all that keeps me, and others, from thinking of these fearsome things is the thought that it is sinful to consider them; and yet what can be sinful in just thinking about something?

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Here is my fantasy:

I am visiting at the home of an older friend, someone I call Aunt Bessie, although we are not related. One rainy day, during the visit, as luncheon time approaches, Aunt Bessie and I have two large martinis. Afterward, we sit down at the dining table to eat. Lunch starts with a delicious thin soup, of which I have two servings. Soup is followed by cold cuts, accompanied by steins of cold, foaming beer. For dessert, there are crackers and cheese, with refills of the steins to wash it down. About half an hour after lunch, I get up from my chair and start to leave the room. Aunt Bessie asks where I am going, and I reply: “Sorry, but I have to pee.” To this, Aunt Bessie says,

“Nonsense, you just think you have to go. Come back here and sit down, and we will split a bottle of champagne.” Although I have some doubts as to my ability to retain any longer, all the liquid I have imbibed nevertheless I comply. At this point, I begin to suspect that Aunt Bessie has something “up her sleeve,” but just what, I cannot imagine. We sit for a while, drinking the champagne and smoking two or three cigarettes, me feeling more and more uncomfortable by the minute. As I finish the last drop in my glass, I say to Aunt Bessie: “I really must go now, I can't hold it any longer.” Aunt Bessie replies:

“Well, if you must, you must, but I hope you don't mind if I go with you.” Upon arriving in the bathroom, Aunt Bessie asks me to remove my dress and panties and then sit on the toilet seat, but without dropping even a tear for a few moments. Aunt Bessie then kneels down on a cushion placed conveniently to one side of the toilet seat, reaches across my nearest thigh, and proceeds to manipulate my clitoris. As soon as I feel my friend's fingers playing with my clitoris, the desire to void my urine recedes. Aunt Bessie tells me: “Wait until the exact moment of the climax I am going to bring you to, and then let the freshet flow. I guarantee you will have the most ecstatic orgasm any woman can have in this world – or the next, for that matter.”

Sure enough, just as Aunt Bessie's skillful fingers bring me up to and push me over the edge, I let my piss come in a rush.

It is like coming in two places at once, and the hot piss flowing 33

down my slit and over the pulsating mouth of my vagina nearly drives me out of my mind.

Denise

Thanks for doing
My Secret Garden
– one of the fantasies electrified me, naturally: I saw myself in it. On p. 179, “Faith” calls herself a “urologenic.” Obviously, there must be a lot of us if someone put such a fancy label on us! What I want to know is where I can find out more about us – also, I'd surely like to trade fantasies with another like-minded gal – if at all possible, I'd like you to forward my letter to Faith; if you can't do that, it's okay, and I understand. Now maybe you'd like a fantasy along these lines for your next book. I'm gay, by the by, and ecstatically happy about it. Before I understood my fascination with urination, I used to try to turn my fantasies toward intercourse and ejaculation – I thought I had urination mixed up with ejaculation, but I realize it's just not true. It's the accidents people have, especially men or boys, that fascinate me.

My favorite fantasy takes place in a grammar school classroom. Billy, a cute fifteen-year-old, raises his hand to be excused to the bathroom. The teacher carelessly ignores him, then puts him off with repeated “in-a-minutes.” At this point in the fantasy, many variations work. A typical version now is that he feels such pressure that he jams his knees together and scoots forward at his desk, trying to “hold it.” It doesn't help, and with his face burning, he finds it necessary to let go just a little, every few minutes, to ease the pressure. Soon, the other kids notice, pointing and whispering at the growing puddle under his desk. Billy always wears tight Levi's and has a very cute behind. Sometimes he is made to stand in the corner at the front of the room, where he wets himself in front of everybody.

I only wish I had a notion of how to look for information on this “aberration.” Thanks a lot!

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Frank

I'm a heterosexual male, and it would seem absurd for me to comment on the sexual fantasies of women. In fact, I'm not even interested in them to any extent; a I ran across your
My
Secret Garden
by accident and only thumbed through it idly.

However, I see you are collecting material, and I have a sort of case history to give to you for what it's worth. This is a lived-out fantasy in which I participated, and frankly, I'm a bit troubled about it in retrospect. It's rather extreme, or so it seems to me, and I wonder if I have encouraged the woman in what may become a harmful sexual aberration.

First, let me set the stage and describe the characters briefly.

I'm a middle-aged business executive and quite an ordinary fellow, nothing special about me at all. The woman is nearing forty, a rather intense emotional type but distinctly attractive, married to a man she likes but who is totally impotent due to illness. She is torn between resolve to remain at least technically faithful to her husband and an urgent need for sexual release. I like her, and am sympathetic to her in her problem. The two of us compromised in a pretend affair limited to cunnilingus and fellatio.

But this wasn't wholly satisfactory to either of us. For my part, I enjoy this with an attractive woman, but mostly as only a part of loveplay rather than as an end in itself. She felt guilt-ridden and had difficulty achieving orgasm that way. It just wasn't very good. Until we discovered something else, by a quite accidental move on my part. I was caressing her vulva with my hand preparatory to cunnilingus, when I inadvertently let a finger stray into the crevice of her buttocks, and its tip pressed into her anus. She stiffened and cried out, and almost instantly went into orgasm.

Here at last we come to the fantasy itself. She was, in fantasy, an anal erotic. Later, she confessed this to me. She dreamed of having a man thrust his finger through the sphinc-ter of her anus and on up into her rectum. Going further, she imagined his mouth on her there. And, in return, of putting her mouth on him.

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Later, we actually did this. I was personally a bit doubtful, to tell the truth. There have been other women in my experience who liked anal loveplay, and I am not particularly averse to it. When I'm in the proper mood, an attractive woman's anus can be exciting as a part of the whole of her. I like everything about women, and although I have never done actual anal intercourse, I often do caress a woman there during loveplay or cunnilingus if she seems to want it. But it turned out that, once released from inhibition, this woman was really avid about this. It was not only the best but almost the only way she could achieve complete orgasm. And for the ultimate experience, she wanted it to be shared. So it became our regular custom to do it to one another. Lying head to toe, I would fasten my mouth over her anus while stroking her vulva and clitoris with the fingers of a hand. She would tuck my penis down between her breasts, hold my testicles aside with one hand, and suck with lips and tongue at my anus.

The actual living out of this fantasy of hers seems to give her a supreme experience. She goes quite mad in her ecstasy. Her anus works in and out against my lips, her vulva positively gushes fluid, she bites and sucks at my anus and crushes my penis between her breasts, her climax when it comes is violent and interminable.

All this is most enjoyable for me too, I'll admit. I'm something of a voyeur, I like to look at an attractive woman in all her intimate places, to see her vulva open pink and wet, her clitoris swell, her little peeplace gape open at the touch of my tongue, her vagina reveal its inner flesh to me, her anus stretch and pulsate as I touch her there. I like to feel her, and smell her, and taste her. And God knows it's a fantastic titillating sensation to have a woman's lips and tongue sucking and probing at me, to have her breasts caress my penis until it spurts over them and her belly.