Forbidden Flowers (4 page)

When I was old enough to go to school, the boys soon found out that they could get to play with my cunt any time at all. My uncle found the same to be true one summer we spent July and August on his ranch in New Mexico. I have very happy memories of the way my uncle loved to play with my cunt and took me with him when he was making trips around the place. Uncle was very kind to me, and when he suckers my cunt, he did it very gently. I remember one time we were a long way from home, and he found a spot where it was really quiet. He had me undress completely, and he spread out a large quilt, laid me down, and put his tongue in my cunt. At this time, I was nine years old. We had fun, and then he undressed and showed me his cock. I had never seen a grown man's cock before, and I did not understand how it could be so big. He got on top of me and told me to be easy in my mind; he was just going to put the head of his cock up to my cunt. I asked him what would happen then, and he said that he would just do with his cock the way he had always done with his finger, so I wasn't frightened.

Instead, did that ever start my desire to have that cock in my cunt. He spread my cunt lips open and gently shoved his cock part way in. His actions just drove me to want that big cock all the way in, just as I had gotten used to shoving a big, rubber, imitation weiner all the way in when I wanted to jack off. (The rubber one was bigger and better than the real ones I had 22

started with.) When my uncle shoved his whole cock in, he found it was easier to do than he had thought. He asked me if I had ever fucked before. I told him about the big rubber weiner.

He asked if I had brought it along. I had, and told him how I used it when I was by myself. That made him so excited that after our first fuck he spent two more hours just sucking my cunt. Then he asked me to take his cock in my mouth. I was so afraid that if I said no he would never fuck me anymore that I took his cock and sucked him. He kept telling me to suck harder, and after I had sucked awhile my tongue got sore, so we stopped. When we returned to the house everyone had gone to see a movie, so that left us alone. I was so tired that I just fell asleep. When I woke up, my uncle was sucking my cunt.

The next day my uncle and aunty had to go into town for a meeting, leaving my brother and I alone. We spent the time looking around because being on a ranch was so new to us. We came across two dogs who were trying to fuck. We watched and it got me so passionate that I stepped backward, up against the front of my brother's pants. He was feeling the same way, because without a word, he put his hands up under my halter, exposing my little breasts and cupping my tits in his hands.

We soon were kissing, and he had me walk around to the back of the milk house. When we were there, he pulled my bikinis off and the halter of my sunsuit. We played a bit there that way, and then we made a dash for the house – me running naked all the way – and went to his bedroom. It started that way, just as easy as that, and from then on we have been fucking each other all along very happily and that was twelve years ago. Do you know any other marriages that have continued happily for twelve years? I don't. I wish people who read this letter and feel bad about us would remember that before they criticize. We now live together, and every one of our friends think we are husband and wife. He is very considerate. Unlike most husbands, he shaves every day so that he will not irritate my skin, etc.

One of the letters in
My
Secret Garden
spoke about dogs.

When Tom and I read this, we decided to see what it was like.

My brother and I started to fuck to get the dog excited. It sure 23

did – he got in between our legs and licked both Tom and me while we were fucking. What a pleasure! When we finished, Tom let his cock go off in me. (I'm on the pill) Tanzy licked my cunt, and Tom just lay back and watched. We let Tanzy lick as long as he wanted, and then he began to get up on his hind legs and hug my leg. That told us he wanted to fuck. Tom had me get up on my knees and he helped Tanzy get his cock in my cunt. We did not know how much cock a dog has, but I soon found out. When he got that knob in my cunt, he had over eight inches of cock shoved, up me. Fuck, you never know what it can do to a girl until she gets fucked by her dog. That pink fleshy cock is in my cunt whenever Tanzy has a desire to fuck me. Tom likes to watch his cock plunge in and out of my cunt.

One day Tom asked me how it made me feel, and when I told him, we tried to get Tanzy to shove it up Tom's asshole so he could feel what I was feeling. But the hole was too small for Tanzy to get in. Sometimes I get up on top of Tom, and we both lay that way, both our legs apart, bellies up, and Tom lets Tanzy fuck me when we are in this position. Tom's cock rides in the crack of my ass below, and Tanzy is giving it to me from straight above. If I am alone and Tanzy wants to fuck, I place the davenport cushions on the floor and lay on my back. Tanzy is very smart and knows how to fuck me both from the rear and front. I love to fuck him from the front, because I can look down and see his cock entering my cunt, that pink shaft just going in and out. He always licks my cunt clean after we get through fucking.

It was Tom's idea that I write this letter to you, but when I got started typing, I got so excited that he had to help me finish it. My last thought is that anything you fuck that makes you feel good is okay.

Jennie is only seventeen, and her childhood isn't that distant. She remembers it very clearly: “Where I was brought up,” she says, “sex was pretty much taboo.” She is enough a child of our time to say in one breath, “I always consider myself a girl of high morals and always thought I would be a virgin until I was married” … and then she goes on to describe her 24

sexual experiences with her boyfriend, whom she plans to marry “in three years.”

What I like about Jennie is that she does not feel these contradictions are important enough to comment upon; no apologies or explanations are felt necessary. She is a girl who accepts her own sexuality in her own time; she believes more in her own feelings than the amorphous “rules” in the air. When she says she has no guilt about her sexuality or her fantasies, I believe her.

Jennie's mother clearly grew up in a totally different sexual atmosphere, and although her daughter was aware of this difference between' herself and her mother, even as a child of nine, she did not blindly accept her mother's sexual authority: she felt and believed in her own sexuality even more.

Jennie may not be typical of her generation, but there are countless young women like her; the very fact that she wrote me – and with such eagerness – indicated her interest in sex.

What I find more significant is the ease, acceptance, and utter naturalness with which she treats that interest.

Jennie

I have just finished reading your book,
My
Secret Garden.

Throughout the book, I kept thinking what it would be like to actually write to you. When I saw your address in the back, I knew I had to write.

First, I'll give you some background information about myself. I am seventeen, and my boyfriend is sixteen. We are both seniors in high school, and plan to get married in three years. I always considered myself a girl of high morals and always thought I would be a virgin until I was married.

Where I was brought up, sex was pretty much taboo. No one ever spoke about it, so I never knew anything about sex. I know that when I was about nine years old I used to get sensual feelings, although at the time I didn't know what they were. I used to take my clothes off and rub my small breasts and my cunt against the cold washing machine, and this made me feel very good. At other times, I would take all my clothes 25

off and run around in the woods across the street. Sometimes my girl friend would come with me, and we would sit and masturbate ourselves or each other. Just thinking about doing these things when I was a kid would get me excited, and the next thing I knew I was doing them or thinking up something new that would make me feel good. Given the puritanical background where I grew up, it's amazing I didn't feel really guilty as a kid, but I didn't. I just knew it couldn't be bad if it felt that good.

Nowadays, I fantasize whenever I have time on my hands …

or my hands on myself. I don't think I masturbate any more than the average girl, but I don't know much about the average girl. It's a sexy world, so I have sexy thoughts quite a bit. I don't usually fantasize when I have sex with my boyfriend. All I need to hear is his heavy breathing and I get horny. My boyfriend loves to experiment with sex. Sometimes we fuck with him coming in from the back, sometimes sitting up; we even tried it in the shower once.

He likes it when I use my mouth on him. Often, in public, I can't refrain from touching him up. Up until recently, I would never allow him to perform cunnilingus on me, but now I love to feel him sucking my clitoris and slipping his tongue in and out of me.

When I'm by myself masturbating or daydreaming, my fantasies change all the time. My favorite fantasies include being fucked by a lion, a black man, or a cousin of mine. I've always dreamed about trying incest, but I have no brothers. The closest I can get is my cousin. He is ten years older than me. Recently, my grandfather died, and my cousin came up from Georgia for the funeral. We have always been attracted to one another, and during the middle of the night, he came down to where I was sleeping on the sofa. We smoked a jay, and he kissed me. Then we got into some petting. After a while, I told him to go away.

Since then, how many times I've wished I hadn't! My chance will come again, but I know I won't let anything happen, because I am very faithful to my boyfriend, and I know he would never have an affair with another girl. But I love to use this story of what happened that night with my cousin as my fan-26

tasy; I try all sorts of different endings to it, thinking about all the things that could have gone on between us.

I have no guilt feelings about fantasizing. I love to hear my boyfriend tell me he's going to “fuck me” during intercourse. It really turns me on. Some of my fantasies I share with him.

There is one we plan to carry out soon. I told him I wanted him to force himself upon me, to rape me when I said “No” to him.

He wants me to fight him off while he tells me he's going to fuck me.

We have not got into “the group thing.” It doesn't appeal to either of us. My boyfriend says he doesn't fantasize. Maybe someday he will. I have found that when I do fantasize during sex, it adds to both of our excitement.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I hope it is of some value to you in your studies. Good luck.

One of the pleasures in reading novels or going to the movies is the feeling they give us of how other people live.

They seem to enlarge the possibilities of our own lives. Sexual fantasy, too, will often serve the same function, but instead of reading about other people, by an act of emotional imagination, we put ourselves in their shoes and bodies, feel what they feel, experience their sexual joys as if they were our own. In Sarah's fantasies, which follow, I find the one about the male guardian the most interesting. It is evidently born out of childhood experiences – the emotions seem to be of such an early stage of development that even the sexual lines are blurred: Sarah tells us that she plays all roles, both male and female. This is not uncommon in fantasy. We all wonder how other people
are
sexually; in our erotic reveries, we can rehearse their emotions within ourselves. Another signal, I feel, that this fantasy is an imaginative recreation of very early scenes is that Sarah does not really put herself into any of the roles, not even that of “the girl.” It all speaks of a time when she was so young that she could not choose to act, but was acted upon. It is not, “I did this or that …” but “The girl is told to take a bath…” and so on.

27

Sarah

My fantasies have some points in common with those in your book, which I loved, and others somewhat different. One of them is recalling some good times with my ex-husband. He would get me pretty excited with foreplay, and then he would put it in, he would make just two or three thrusts, and then he'd sort of back off with just the tip of it in and tease me – “Do you want it, baby? Then you'll have to come and get it! Bring it up to me, baby, climb my pole!” and I would have to raise my hips up and down, and sometimes he would move around a little and pretend he was going to take it out and quit, and I would twist and. turn and raise and lower my hips frantically to keep it in and keep the motion going – and of course I'd get hotter and sweatier – doing all the work. And I had really great orgasms that way. I could get on top, but it never worked with me that way – only when I was underneath, and really working at it. (I know some men don't like that at all.) One other fantasy I have is about a lover I had who used to have me sit on top of his refrigerator and sort of slide down one rounded corner of it till his tongue was even with my cunt, and he'd stand there with his hands sort of cupping my buttocks to keep me from falling quite helplessly onto the floor, and lap it up like an ice cream cone. Then he'd have me slide down off the refrigerator right onto his big cock – nothing I could do about that either – and waltz me into the bedroom with my toes just off the floor. Our favorite joke was, “Do you want to come over and defrost my refrigerator tonight?” So much for recalling reality – now for fantasies that are just fantasies. There's one about the little girl who has a male guardian – father or uncle, I never really figured it out. One day, the girl has a little boyfriend come over to play after school and invites him to stay for dinner, The guardian agrees, and the boy telephones home for permission, but is told his parents are going out for dinner, and he has to stay where he is till nine-thirty, if that's not too late. (I play all three roles in this, alternating.) The guardian again says okay. But after dinner, he tells the girl she must go and take her bath, which she 28

does, Then he calls to her and says just to come out in her bathrobe. She does, and then he says to her, “Did you wash your roses good?” She says she did, and he says, “Come lie down over here on the sofa, and let's see if you did.” She says no, she doesn't want to show Toby (her little boyfriend) her roses. At this, the guardian gets angry and takes down a little paddle off the mantelpiece and says, “So you don't want to show him your roses, do you? Well, we'll just show him your little bare bottom then,” and he takes her over his knee, pulls up her Bathrobe, and proceeds to give her a good paddling, turning both of her cheeks pink. Then he stops and says, “Do you want to show Toby your roses?” And she says, “Yes, yes, yes!” So he puts her on the sofa on her back and brings the lamp over, so it can shine very bright, and pushes up a stool for Toby. “Sit there,” he commands Toby. Then he opens the girl's legs and examines her minutely, opening the labia around the vagina and the clitoris. Then he scolds the girl, who has stopped crying by now. “You didn't wash very good. We'll have to do better than that.” He tells Toby to put his finger in her vagina and hold her open with his other hand while he goes and gets the washrag from the bathroom. Toby is afraid not to do as he is told and gets more and more interested in the process and asks the girl if his finger hurts her, and she says no, it feels good, but will he move his other hand a little, which he does. The guardian comes back with a washrag that he has surreptitiously wet with the raspberry-tasting mouthwash, and telling Toby to keep his finger where it is, he sponges the clitoris and labia – which turn pink from the mouthwash color and the heat its slight antiseptic content generate. The girl tries to twist and turn and says the water's too hot, “It's hot, it hurts! Oh, Toby, kiss it and make it stop hurting.” And Toby bends his head and kisses her. By now in this fantasy, I would have come about twice.