For Your Heart (Hill Dweller Retellings) (21 page)

    
The Summer Queen sucks in a scandalized breath.  “You don’t think it’s a human girl, do you?”

    
I cock my head.  “You mean like he’s fallen in love?”

    
She crunches her brow and pouts.  “He can’t possibly.  Not when he’s got me!”

    
Oh no, God forbid!
  Part of me wants to laugh with glee.  The idea of Tamrin finding a human more desirable than my queen is delicious and malicious.  It’s a terrible thought, I know, but I have an odd relationship with Roxel – one that even I don’t fully understand – and sometimes the idea of her hurting even more than she does fascinates me.  Perhaps because she has endured so much already.  Maybe somewhere in my subconscious I want something to finally break her – end it all for her, stop her suffering.

    
Another part of me feels bad for Tamrin.  She doesn’t forgive easily.  Both he and the human will suffer if it is true.  Tamrin may be a pretty piece of glass, but he’s one of my favorite pieces.  Secretly, he’s everyone’s.  He’s our toy.  We treat him terribly, but we’d all be quite upset if someone took him away from us.  Myself especially.  He’s like an old lover.  Even though I’ve never had him personally, I’ve been present enough during Roxel’s fits of lusty fantasy that I know him on a level that makes me blush.  But there’s a distance between us that might as well be a century of estrangement.  Still, even though I can’t have him, I care for him and want only the best for him.

    
“Twyla,” Roxel muses.

    
A knot forms in my stomach.  That tone of voice means she’s scheming something.  Looking up, I cringe.  “Yes?”

    
“Watch him for me.  I want to know what he’s doing in the mortal realm.”

    
For a moment I can’t do anything but stare at her.  “Me?  Spy on Tamrin?”  I can’t help my distasteful face.  I’m no stranger to watching Tamrin, but the idea of doing it for anything other than pleasure is repugnant.  And doing it for Roxel?  Disgusting.

    
Roxel gives me her
queen face
. “Go.”

Tamrin

     Enmire puts down his last card.  “Ace.  I win.”

    
Frowning, I put my own cards on the bed.  “You cheated.”

    
“I don’t cheat.”

    
I give him a diminutive stare. 

    
“Okay, maybe a little bit.”

    
I glance across the hall.  Jeanette’s door is closed, but I know she’s asleep by the pace of her heart.  Standing to stretch, I check the clock.  It’s only one in the morning.  Time doesn’t pass fast enough here.  I don’t understand how Jean could want to spend a whole year of doing these repetitive, arduous days.  But then, I have to remind myself she’s still young.  All of this is new to her and she has a finite amount of time.  Perhaps time moves faster for us in Otherworld because it is infinite.  We never age past maturity and we never die.  At least, not if we stay in Otherworld.  It is a safe plane.  That’s why we pay the tithes.

    
Safe.  I scoff to myself.

    
Standing in the doorway, I try to recall memories of my childhood.  Being held by Twyla as a baby.  Rainstorms in my bedroom when I was five.  Sitting beside Roxel at her loom when I was six.  Being hit in the face by my tutor in swordsmanship, Kirithos, at eight.  Bitten by a selkie when I was ten.  Dancing at a ball with one of the
bean-sidhes
I went to school with at fourteen.  Fishing with Connor at sixteen.  Making love to Roxel for the first time when I reached physical maturity…Making love to Roxel.

    
Bile rises in my throat, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.  Roxel.  A Bender.  Like Leah.  I’ve seen what Leah can do and I don’t doubt Roxel is stronger.  You don’t become queen for nothing.  Roxel did something to me when I went home this afternoon.  She Bent me.  I don’t know how, but I know for certain.  I wasn’t going to let her have her way with me.  It wasn’t going to happen.  I’m not a whore.  I promised Jean no more.  And my word means something to me.

    
But…I couldn’t stop myself.  Didn’t
want
to stop myself.  It was as if Jean didn’t exist in those hours with Roxel.  I was the old me again, where – compared to all the other
bean-sidhes
that used and abused me, Roxel was the one I preferred to be with.  She was safe.

    
She gave me all my gifts, helped me through classes faster by giving me the ability to speed read and my photographic memory. 
Probably for more time to Bend me into screwing her.

    
She’s not safe.  She’s dangerous.

    
I like it here.  In Jean’s house, with Jean…Where it’s safe.

    
I reach into my pocket and pull out Jean’s ribbon from our first meeting.  I should give it back, but for some reason I can’t.  I step across the hall and put my hand to Jeanette’s door. 

    
“What are you doing?”  Enmire calls from his perch on the guest bed.

    
She’s still angry and confused, I sense her heartache.  I add the ache to the mountain of pain in my heart.  What do I say to her?  How do I tell her I’ve betrayed her?  I just want to be with her, I want to bridge the gap between us.

    
I am drawn to Jeanette, bound by invisible wires.  I realized there was something different about her from the very beginning.  She was the highlight of my morning rounds.  She made me forget my duty to queen and court, allowing the rose to be plucked.  She makes me feel guilty about coming home to her after being with Roxel.  This is beyond guilt for betraying my word as a knight.  This is deep and this is terrible. 

    
This evening I couldn’t even look Jean in the eye, I was so ashamed.  I felt too dirty to be in her presence, like Roxel had tainted me.  I’ve never felt so ashamed of what I am, have never wanted to be something better.

    
I lean my forehead against the door.  If Roxel found I had let a mere mortal girl distract me from my duties, she’d destroy Jeanette.  The idea of something bad happening to Jeanette makes my chest ache. 
Why?  Don’t I intend to hurt her, too?

    
I shake my head against the door.  No.  I don’t want to hurt Jeanette if I can help it.  I’ll make it fast and painless.  Perhaps I’ll take her heart in her sleep, when she least suspects.  She’ll be dead before she feels the pain. 
And then what?  What will I do after Jeanette is gone?  Go back to Roxel, like nothing happened?

    
I couldn’t do that.  I can’t even imagine life without Jeanette.

    
Jeanette’s heart hitch breaks me out of my thoughts.  She’s upset.  Frowning, I test the door handle.  Surprisingly, she hasn’t locked it.

    
“What are you doing, Master?  Hasn’t she made it clear you’re not to go in there when she’s sleeping?”

    
I glance over my shoulder and meet my familiar’s eyes.  He’s right.  The door’s not locked because Jean trusts me and I shouldn’t break that trust.

    
“I have to make sure she’s okay.”  At his disgruntled face, I say, “Just a peek.”

    
I slip into the darkness of Jeanette’s room and close the door.  I have to stand and wait for my eyes to adjust, but the light slanting through the skylight allows for quick acclimation.

    
Jeanette is huddled to one side of her bed, breathing heavy.  She must be having her bad dream again, the one with that kid Timmy.  For a brief moment, a slight twinge of jealousy strikes me.  To be so loved and missed by Jeanette, even after years of absence, he must have been quite a mortal boy. 

    
It’s a two pronged jealousy.  One because I’m fairly certain no one would mourn my absence like she mourns him.  The
Aos Si
are fickle and jaded by their immortality.  I may be interesting to the Summer Court now, but if I were gone I’d be quickly forgotten.  Even Roxel would forget me.  I’ve seen it happen to far more remarkable knights and courtiers before me.

    
And two, because Jeanette has within her a type of love I’ve never experienced.  I’ve never loved anyone, never wanted to.  Seelie
Aos Si
don’t love on principle.  To love is to sign the death warrant of the unfortunate creature that you care for.  Because we all eventually have to pay the tithe to Hell and the cost comes in the blood of those we most care about. 

    
But…she makes me
want
to love, no matter how fatal or fleeting it might be.  And she makes me want to be deserving of love.

    
A whimper drags me farther into the room, beckoning me to her side.  I sit beside her on the bed and pull away the colorful sheets of fabric she was sewing when falling asleep – a costume for a fair she wants to go to.  She’s still making it even though her father will not let her go.  I will make it so she can wear her costume to this festival.  I will give her everything she wants.

    
I want to shake her out of her dream.  To pull her from the nightmare she’s re-living, to drag her from this phantom boy and back to me.  I want to fold her into my arms and reassure her I will keep her safe.  I want her to rely on me.  Me, not him.

    
It’s a thrilling prospect, a sense of duty and affection I’ve never felt.  Something I’d gladly do without being asked and continue doing no matter how many barbs she sticks into me.  I know her barbs aren’t malicious.  Jean’s mean words aren’t like Roxel’s.  Jean’s words come from fear and confusion, not from hate and jealousy.  She’d be a queen I’d gladly serve.

    
…But that would be a lie.  No matter what foreign thoughts and emotions this girl wakes in me, I have a duty to fulfill to my real queen – if not willingly, then by force.  Roxel will not let me go.  She will not let me be with Jean.

    
A bitter feeling burns at the bottom of my stomach.  It travels to the back of my throat, leaving a sharp metallic taste in my mouth.  Resentment.

    
Jean whimpering brings me back to the moment.  Timmy has a hold on her, like Roxel has a hold on me.  But, there are times when they can’t touch us.  I’m free from Roxel when I’m not in Otherworld.  I can free Jean from Timmy by bringing her out of the dreamworld.

    
I brush my fingers over her brow.  “Wake up,” I whisper-hiss.

    
She startles awake, half rising, eyes wide as if she expects a fire.  “Huh?”  She glances around confused.  “What’s going on?”

    
“You were having a nightmare.”

    
“I know,” she says, closing her eyes and pressing her hand to her forehead.  Her heart’s racing, I must have startled her.  She pulls her hand away and squints at the clock, though I’m fairly certain she can’t see it clearly without her glasses.  “It’s almost two.  What are you doing up?”

    
“I couldn’t sleep.”

    
She wrinkles her nose and blinks up at me.  “So that means I can’t sleep either?”

    
I stare at her for a long moment, uncertain of what to say to ease the new tension between us.  Why did I wake her?  Why did I bring her back to me when I know she prefers Timmy…even in nightmares.  “I-” 
Words Tamrin, use your words
.  “I’m sorry.”  I say, turning away and heading toward the door.  “Go back to sleep.”

    
I’m almost to the hall when I hear Jean call back.  “Hey.”

    
I glance over my shoulder.  She meets my eyes for a long moment, then she slides over and pats the spot where I was sitting.  I go back, though I feel like a zebra approaching a crocodile infested watering hole.  This could end so many ways.  I don’t look at her as I sit back on the edge of the bed.

    
She props herself up on the headboard.  I don’t want her to.  I want her to go back to bed because she looks exhausted.  “Are you okay,” she asks.

    
“No.”

    
She cocks her head, expecting more. 

    
“No, I’m not okay.  But, I’m not sure how to express what I am feeling.  It’s all…,” I pause searching for the right words, “chaos and confusion.”  Even if I could find the words, I’m not sure she’d be okay with me saying them to her.  Whatever I’m feeling, I know Jean is the wellspring from which all of the chaos and confusion are emerging.  She is a beautiful Pandora’s box.

    
Licking her lips, she stares at her hands.  “You’d think a knight wouldn’t have issues like that.”  She looks up at me again and smirks, melting me.  “Go figure.”

    
Not knowing what else to say or do, I adjust my position – sitting beside her with my back to the headboard – and I touch her hand.  When she doesn’t pull away, I lace my fingers between hers so our hands are like lovers tangled against the sheets.  Her hand is so right in mine.  Right now – this moment – it brings me peace.  I take a deep breath, let it out.  “Lie back down.”