For the Love of Gracie (16 page)

"It's not your fault. Cameron's right, I'm stubborn and I never do what's right for myself." To lighten the moment, I said, "Baby, it's really cold. Can you help me get dressed
, please?" 

He smiled
, though it never reached his eyes. Ash's eyes drifted to my chest. His hands softly traced my collarbones, and then moved down my arms. His chest rose and fell as his breathing increased again. When his mouth touched my skin, I gasped.

Ashton's lips moved gently over my chest, leaving a soft trail of kisses.  He lifted me off the floor and
laid me on the bed.  He stood and lifted his shirt over his head, exposing his beautifully sculpted chest. I ran my hands through the light covering of hair over his pecs.  Sliding his jeans off, he left his boxers on and lay beside me. He pulled a blanket over us. "We can just lay here together. I want to be with you, anyway I can." 

I curled up against his body; he ran his fingers through my hair. “Can I ask you something?" he inquired. 

I nodded. "Anything you want." 

His fingers entwined with mine as he asked, "So, that night at the Opryland Hotel…what was really up?”
 

I tensed at the memory
, thinking about how it would sound if I told him what was wrong with me that night. “Nothing, it’s stupid really.” 

He seemed unsure about his next words. “Was it really about…Hudson?”
 

I shook my head, “No. I never cared enough about him to cry over something like him not getting me a present.”
 

His eyes saddened, “So, what was it?”
 

I glanced at the charm bracelet dangling from my wrist. “It was this.”
 

Ashton sounded confused. “But I thought you liked it. Those definitely weren’t tears of joy that night when I dropped you off.”
 

I shook my head. “I didn’t like it, I absolutely loved it.
  It was the sweetest gift anyone ever gave me and it made me feel special.” 

Still confused he said, “I’m sorry, I’m still not following you.”
 

I sat up facing him “That night, you made me feel important, like I was someone special, and that what we had was unique. It was the night I realized I had fallen in love with you and thought, for the first time, that maybe you felt the same. Then you spent the evening doting on Angel and I thought it meant that we really were just friends and nothing more. I cried because I felt like all my hopes crashed down around me that night. It seemed impossible that you’d ever be more to me than just a friend.”
 

Ashton’s face made me wish I could take back the last few moments and rephrase what I had said.
  He cupped my face in his hands. “Bug, I’m so sorry. I wish you’d told me that night. I knew that I had hurt you, no matter what excuse you came up with to say I didn’t. I hated myself. It was our first Christmas together and I ruined it. I haven't stopped thinking about it.

We almost kissed that night, before Hudson interrupted us. It was the perfect moment, but once he came out, and you looked so hurt, I thought you had developed feelings for him.”

I shook my head. “No. I wasn’t hurt. I was angry at him for ruining
our
moment. That was for us, we should’ve had that moment on Christmas. Everything would have changed right then.” 

My
emotions betrayed me as the tears fell.

Ashton pulled me into his warm embrace. "We have many more moments ahead of us. We're not going to let anyone take that away from us again."
I moved to crush my mouth to his. He growled deep in his throat. There was no better sound than that low growl of passion. 

He put his hands on my shoulders, pushing back slightly. "Really, Gracie. We can wait. I want it to be special…for both of us."

I smiled and curled up against his chest.  We fell asleep. 

I was awakened when an arm slid across my stomach. I felt lips graze my neck, moving my hair to the side. I rolled over and my eyes met Ash's. 

"Am I dreaming?  Are we together?" I asked, a bit afraid that it was a dream. He smiled as he leaned in to kiss me.  He rolled over on top of me as his mouth continued to explore mine. All at once, I felt suffocated. Panic rolled through my body. His weight felt impossible to move. 

Ashton's mouth moved to my neck. I tried to breathe deep and let the panic roll off. It didn’t work. My heart began to race, the room was closing in on me and I needed to break free. 

Chapter Ten

I shoved at him, yelling, "Get off me!"  

Ashton rolled off of me instantly. "Gracie, what the hell?" He was in
a panic now. 

I couldn’t answer him. I cowered in the corner of the room.  I curled up in a ball trying to cover myself. Ashton didn’t know what to do.  He paced the room. 

"Are you in pain? Do you need to go back to the hospital?" 

I shook my head, "I need clothes, please." He dug through my drawers for loose pants and a shirt.  All I could do is cry and curse myself
. I was going to have to tell him the truth now. 

"I can't go to the hospital, Cam can't find out," I cried out in fear. 

His brow creased and he asked, "Cam can't find out what? Talk to me Gracie." 

I couldn’t think straight except to repeat myself, "Cameron can never find out." 

He knelt beside me and smoothed my hair. "Baby, talk to me. Does something hurt?" 

I nodded and repeated once again. "Cameron can never know."

Ashton looked at me as though I was losing my mind. I thought I was. "Promise me you won't tell Cam, please." 

Ashton's voice was frustrated, but he kept his cool, "Dammit, Gracie, tell me now." 

My hands were shaking, my whole body felt sore.  "Hudson…before…I didn’t want you to know, didn’t want anyone to know." 

Ashton touched my cheek; I jumped up and moved across the room from him. His eyes told me how much the action hurt him. 

I whispered my confession. 

Ashton's eyes closed and I knew he heard me, still he asked, "What?" 

I wanted tonight to be a new start with Ashton. I wanted tonight to be a new beginning for us. This confession would push back any happiness we could have.

I gave him the full story this time. "I went to Hudson to tell him it was over, to tell him I didn’t return his feelings. He tried to seduce me and I wasn’t feeling it. I shoved him away. That's when he slapped me for the first time. Then he grabbed for my shirt and the buttons popped open. I reached to cover myself and I turned away from him. He shoved me to the ground. I pushed myself up and that was when he hit me again, knocking me back to the floor. He yanked my jeans down.  He kept saying 'I'll make sure you know what you'll miss if you leave'." My eyes stayed close, I couldn’t face Ashton with this.
”

"He slipped my jeans down to my knees and ripped my underwear. I begged him to stop. It was as though he never heard me.  He turned me over onto my stomach and forced himself inside me as he held my face down on the floor. He was so rough with me. It was worse than the pain of him hitting me, worse than anything I've ever experienced. I felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside. When he was done, I pulled my jeans up as I cried. I reached for my phone, on the floor next to me, and that's when he stepped on my arm." 

My voice cracked as I began to sob. "He started kicking me over and over. By that time, I was begging for death so the pain would stop. That's when Cameron came in. He doesn’t know that I was raped, he can never know. If you tell him, he'll never forgive himself for being too late again."

Silence.

I braced myself for an outburst from him. 

Nothing. I opened my eyes to see Ashton staring at the window. 

"Ashton?" 

He turned slowly, his face unrecognizable with the grief it displayed. In a soft voice he said, "Get dressed.  You need to be checked out. I'm taking you to the hospital." He didn't ask or give me a chance to argue. 

I slipped on the clothes he had chosen for me. He hadn’t touched me since I told him. We drove to the hospital without a word to each other. He registered me at the front desk and the nurse took me back. 

When the doctor came in to ask what I was being seen for, I couldn't bring myself to admit the rape again.  It was hard enough to tell Ashton, I wasn't ready to tell a stranger.

"My ex-boyfriend did this to me," I said, holding up my arm and motioning to my bruised face.  "This was the first time he was violent toward me and we've been together for months.  As a precaution, I wanted to be checked out for any possible diseases he may have given me.  I know I could see my regular doctor, but I don't want to wait until they can schedule me in."

She nodded and began making notes on a tablet.  "Did you have unprotected sex?" 

I nodded, "Once or twice.  I know how bad that is and I regret it now, believe me."

She
told me to lay back on the exam table and scoot down to the edge, placing my legs in the stirrups at the end. This exam had always felt humiliating under normal circumstances, today it felt even worse. I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm.  She placed her hands on the inside of my thighs, telling me to relax.  The moment she made contact, I flinched and sat forward, pulling my legs together.  She stared at me with a knowing expression. 

"Did he rape you, Gracie?" she asked.

"No. I'm sorry.  I wasn’t ready and you startled me."

The doctor
began the examination again and I bit my lip as the tears fell from my eyes. She took tests to check for STD's and pregnancy and said the results would be back in a few days. She gave me pamphlets for abuse counseling.

The entire visit took a little over an hour.  When I stepped from the exam room, Ashton was sitting on a bench down the hall. His head was in his hands. He tugged at his hair as if trying to yank out the thoughts in his head. He’d never looked so downtrodden.

Gracie Walker, you break everything you touch
, I thought to myself.

I knew it was too good to be true to find Ashton. I didn’t deserve him, he was too good and deserved better than this shell of a person I'd become.  

As I approached him, he looked up at me. "You should go home. I'll go visit Cam and call Angel for a ride." 

He reacted as though I slapped him,  his face flinching in pain. "Don’t do that, Gracie.  Don’t push me away, not after everything that happened today." 

I felt sick at hurting him, but I continued to do it. "I can see that you're disgusted by me. I'm giving you an easy way to leave." 

He grabbed my wrist and I recoiled in fear. It shattered him. His shoulders slumped as he let out a ragged breath of defeat. He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked out of the hospital. 

As I watched him leave, my heart broke into tiny pieces. I sat down for a moment to collect myself so that I wouldn't have to explain what was wrong to Cameron. He knew me well enough though that he would wonder why I wasn’t with Ash. I took the elevator to Cameron's room.

"Hey gorgeous!" he said as I walked in. I put on my best fake smile and gave him a hug. I leaned down and kissed Gavin's cheek. 

"Thanks for keeping him company, Gavin." 

Gavin took Cam's hand. "He's my guy, don’t want to be anywhere else."

Cameron was happy, truly happy. It was the first time he had feelings for someone and I loved seeing him so elated. I wasn’t going to burst his happy bubble with my problems.

"Where's Ashton? I thought you two would be humping like rabbits by now." 

Ashton's voice answered from the door. "Yeah, we would be except she wanted to see your ugly mug." 

Cameron laughed. "This face is fucking flawless and you know it." 

Ashton stepped up beside me and gently pressed his hand against the small of my back.

When I forced myself to look up at him, he was focused on Cameron. His mouth was smiling, but his eyes were full of sadness. I slid my arm around his waist and it surprised him. His head turned toward me and he smiled, this time it met his eyes.  He leaned down and kissed my forehead softly. 

Cameron let out a squeak that sounded like a low squeal.  He was sitting with his hands together and the biggest smile on his face. "Gracie girl, you have no idea how you have made my whole existence today. I've been waiting for you to find a good guy and you found the best. But sista, you don’t have to start dressing all sloppy now. What is up with the metal t-shirt and baggy sweats?" 

In my haste to get dressed, I had put on a t-shirt without paying attention. I was wearing Hudson's Five Finger Death Punch shirt.

As soon as I realized it, panic set in. The room began to spin and I felt dizzy. There were people speaking, but everyone sounded so far away. The very bare contents of my stomach, threatened to release. I ran to the nearest trash can and threw up. Hands grabbed my hair, pulling it away from my face. I felt a cool washcloth on my neck a few moments later. I stood up and ripped the shirt
off; shoving into the trash can where it belonged.