FOR MEN ONLY (8 page)

Seems like men easily confuse listening with hearing. Our definition of listening might be something like: “She’s talking, and I’m hearing what she’s saying, therefore I’m listening.”

Even if I’m watching
American Chopper
at the same time.

But that’s treating a person like a signal source. And if you think about it, that’s what inattention tells the other person—“You’re making noise, and you’re one among several data inputs I’m processing at this moment.”

To move from simply hearing to genuinely receiving what another person is saying, we have to take our attention
off
every other distraction and put it
on
her. More than likely, that means facing her, looking at her, staying in the same room as her. It may also mean running interference when other distractions threaten.

For example, a year later, Shaunti can still remember a simple physical gesture I did when she really needed to talk and the kids kept interrupting. I asked the kids to play elsewhere for a minute, pulled her into the living room, sat down with her on the sofa, and asked her to share what was on her mind. Those two or three minutes were an incredibly good investment if they still make her feel loved a year later! And I have to confess: I have absolutely no memory of this event. Not because I do this all the time, but rather because it took so little time or effort!

If physical listening just doesn’t seem possible, I’ve found it’s better to fess up to the challenge. Ask for a rain check. Suggest, “Could we talk about this later when we can be alone (when I’m not so tired)? I want to be able to really hear you, and honestly, I can’t now.”

Those two or three minutes were an incredibly good investment if they still make her feel loved a year later!

Rounding Second

Give her your full mental attention.

(What most men think: “If I’m listening, I’m not doing anything.”)

When Shaunti and I were living in New York City, one of our friends was an acoustic engineer who designed opera houses. He seemed like the perfect candidate for the old question, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?”

He answered quite seriously. “No, it doesn’t. It makes a
noise
, but sound has to be perceived. The sound waves have to be listened to in order for the noise to be a sound. Just them hitting a tree stump or a rock doesn’t count.”

We can apply the same idea to listening. If we’re just sitting there, not actually paying attention to what our wife is saying, we might as well be a stump. Listening isn’t “I’ll sit here and let her bombard me.” It is an active practice of identifying her feelings, considering what’s she’s really saying, and listening for the story behind the story.

That’s why listening isn’t the same thing as “doing nothing.” And that’s why real listening can really wear a guy out. Because most women don’t have an emotional and even physical limit on their ability to listen and process emotion, they don’t understand that most men do. They don’t realize it is almost a physical limitation, like the mental equivalent of cardiovascular capacity.

I can be totally willing to listen to Shaunti share her feelings about something. But just like my body would shut down if I tried to run too many miles, my brain just starts checking out after a while, whether or not I want it to.

The key is to set yourself up for success by mentioning this to your wife or girlfriend at some neutral time. Use this book, point to this section, and explain the limits of your particular listening capacity. Then, when you
are
in an emotionally charged conversation for a little too long and you start to zone out, you can tell her, “I’m so sorry, I totally missed that. I’m reaching the end of my ability to hear.” Blame it on you—not her.

Finally, realize that “listening” doesn’t usually mean a marathon. As one male marriage counselor told us, “Guys need to know that their wives aren’t looking to them to be their best girlfriend and listen for hours. For most women, even taking a fifteen-minute walk with them a few evenings a week would totally fill their need.”

“Listening” doesn’t usually mean a marathon.

Rounding Third

Listen for the right thing—how she
feels
about the problem.

(What most men think: “I should filter out all that emotion and listen for the facts.”)

If you want to make it home, you have to round third base. As we said earlier, when men are faced with a problem with emotional dimensions, we turn task oriented. Put emotions in one box, objective circumstances in another, then ignore the emotion box in order to nail a solution.

But this sets us up for big trouble. We’re busy trying to filter
out
a wife’s feelings because we think they get in the way of solving the real problem—instead of holding the key to the real problem. We think that she’s getting “too emotional” and it is clouding her thinking—never realizing that for most women, not only are their feelings the main point, but they’re probably also perfectly capable of analytical thought
and
strong emotions at the same time. They just need to have their feelings listened to in order to “get somewhere.”

So in order to listen
in the way she needs
, we have to do what does not come naturally and—at least at first—not present a solution. We have to retrain ourselves to do something that will initially seem even weirder. Instead of filtering out her feelings to concentrate on the problem, we need to practice filtering out the problem so we can concentrate on her feelings about it.

We need to practice filtering out the problem so we can concentrate on her feelings about it.

In the CNN example, Shaunti didn’t need a pep talk, and she didn’t need my stellar business advice about how to approach CNN in a new way. All those things had already occurred to her. What she needed was a hug, and for me to hear and acknowledge her feelings. As in, “I’m so sorry—I know you were excited about being on CNN and you must be really disappointed.”

If you are ever confused about what the situation requires, women suggested that a guy just ask. “Sweetheart, do you want my help, or do you just want me to listen?” (And then remember that what you need to listen to are her feelings.)

Safe at Home

Acknowledge and affirm her feelings about the problem.

(What most men think: “If she could just learn not to let her feelings control her, she’d be happier.”)

Now you know: She deeply needs to know that you understand how she’s feeling. But put yourself in her shoes: She has absolutely no idea if you do understand unless you
show
it. Acknowledging to her what you’re hearing—a simple verbal restatement of her words—is the magic bullet.

Thus, when I say to Shaunti, “That must have been so disappointing that CNN didn’t come through,” my circle is complete. I’ve run the bases and
solved her real problem
.

Shaunti tells me there are actually two types of acknowledgement, and both are important.

1.
Acknowledge what her feeling is
: “You felt disappointed.”

But there’s more, and this is where guys tend to trip.

2.
Affirm and sympathize with her feelings, even if you disagree with her thoughts.

If acknowledging her feelings comes out as, “I’m sorry you felt disappointed,” then affirming them means saying, “And it’s okay that you felt disappointed.” If you think about it, there’s no such thing as a “right” or “wrong” feeling. We may disagree with the accuracy of an
assumption
that leads to that feeling, but if she’s feeling something, she’s feeling it. And it’s not helpful or even respectful to try to talk her out of it.

Affirming her feelings means saying, “It’s okay that you felt disappointed.”

Here’s what several female respondents told us on this point:

• “Trying to talk me out of my feelings doesn’t accomplish what he’s trying to accomplish. In fact, it makes me feel absolutely terrible, like my husband doesn’t care one jot about how I feel.”

• “Men don’t realize the value of affirming our feelings when they seem irrational or out of proportion to them. If a man could just grasp the value of that, he could cut arguments or long discussion times in half.”

Now, of course there may be a need at some point to talk things through if you do disagree. But during a time of emotional sharing, it’s totally counterproductive to say (even if we believe it), “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

W
ARNING
: D
ON’T TRY THESE AT HOME
!

“How
not
to listen.”

There’s nothing more dismaying to a guy than when he’s sincerely trying to win (to be loving and helpful), but he only commits an error. She gets hurt or angry or both. Suddenly, the man is the problem. Some collected coaching advice: In the heat of an inning,
never
…

• tell her she’s overreacting,

• question her version of the facts,

• wonder aloud about the time of the month,

• ask her to quit crying, or

• offer spiritual correction (“Are you sure you’re not just envious?”)

Getting Personal

I’ll be the first to admit that when emotions start flying around, especially if the conversation is about our relationship, I can quickly conclude that my wife is attacking
me
. If Shaunti feels unhappy, I—like most men—I assume that she thinks that I blew it.

But I’m realizing that, usually, a man’s performance isn’t even on his wife’s mind. Instead, since most women process thoughts and feelings by talking about them, they need to be able to get their feelings about the relationship out on the table and have us listen. And the only way they can do that is if we don’t get defensive and take it personally.

Consider what one survey taker said she most wished her husband knew:

That when I tell him how I feel inside about something concerning our relationship, that I am just trying to share my feeling with him so we can discuss it. He takes it as criticism and turns it around so I feel like the bad guy for bringing it up. He says, “I never do anything right,” or “I can never please you,” which isn’t true. And so the problem never really gets discussed. I wish he could understand that it’s important for me to be able to talk about these things and understand that I’m not just being critical.

When things get personal, we need to resist the natural male instinct to run for cover, man the defenses, or—worst of all—reach for the big guns. Much better to set aside our natural defensiveness and focus on listening well
even though we feel under attack
. Because we’re probably not. Instead, it’s usually an important opportunity to invest in our relationship and show her love in a way she will really
feel
it.

It’s an opportunity to invest in our relationship and show her love in a way she will really
feel
it.

Realize: She
Does
Appreciate You

If we get the listening sequence right, the right and healing solutions will follow. We’ve already seen that 60 percent of the women on the survey found suggestions to be a negative if their husbands weren’t listening first, and being emotionally supportive. But next we asked, when the women set aside how they felt about their man’s emotional support, how would they feel about his actual suggestions? The response was overwhelming. More than two-thirds said they were “helpful” suggestions—and we can infer that more than 80 percent actually
agreed
with the suggested solution! Just 19 percent said that the solution itself would not be a good one.