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Hidden Triggers

What sets these insecurity tremors off? What in the course of everyday life in a reasonably healthy relationship is most likely to drive her to wonder, “Does he still love me?” (Other than the big, obvious factors such as infidelity or physical violence?) Here are a few triggers:

•
Conflict
—anything that gives her the feeling that something is wrong, that the two of you are at odds, or that you are unhappy with her. As one woman put it, “A lot of desperate feelings surface for me when I feel like my husband is displeased with me. I know it sounds old-fashioned, and I’m a pretty independent person, but it still really affects me.”

•
Withdrawal
—which is, of course, how we often respond to conflict! We tend to retreat into silence to escape unwanted feelings, because we can’t fully articulate something yet, or to avoid saying something hurtful. Unfortunately, seeing her man withdraw or be moody usually generates
more
unwanted feelings for a woman! Several women described the resulting thought this way: “What happens if he doesn’t snap out of it this time?!”

•
Silence
—even if nothing’s wrong. Because women have a radar for
unspoken
conflict, it’s pretty easy for women to jump to conclusions when their man is more withdrawn or quiet than usual. As one woman put it, “If you’re quiet, it must be me.” When that happens, see it for what it is and instead of getting defensive (“Why do you always assume there’s something wrong?!”), use it as an opportunity to reassure her of your love.

•
Her “emotional bank account” is depleted
—perhaps she’s exhausted, or her work or the children have been particularly taxing. This may even have nothing to do with you…but she could be more easily “triggered” if her emotional bank account has nothing left in it.

•
You’re absent a lot
—even if you hate the obligations that keep you away, she’s more likely to experience your absence as a challenge to her security in your love. (See chapter 4 for more on creating “security.”)

•
Unresolved relationship issues
—a trigger that most guys miss entirely. If a woman has a concern about the relationship that doesn’t feel “resolved”—even if there’s no conflict involved—she is going to want to talk. And if we try to avoid it, it only makes her insecurity—and her desire to talk—worse.

Once we recognize these triggers and see the red warning light for what it is—a signal that she needs to be reassured of our love—we can take some incredibly simple steps toward being part of the answer for her, rather than part of the problem.

A Practical Guide to Turning Off the Red Warning Light

I hope you’re seeing by now that a woman is likely to experience an undercurrent of emotional insecurity in her relationship
even if
you and I are totally innocent of intent, injury, or error (not that we always
are
, but work with me here). But that doesn’t mean we can’t be part of the solution.

Maybe a husband’s responsibility and opportunity in this regard is what the apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote the simple admonition “Husbands, love your wives…” in his letter to the church at Ephesus. I don’t hear any echoes of “The deal is sealed” in his words. Or “Once you’ve won a wife, Bubba, you’re off the hook.” What I hear is much more dynamic:
love, go on loving, continue to prove your love, keep on winning her heart with your love…

I don’t hear any echoes of “Once you’ve won a wife, Bubba, you’re off the hook.”

So how do you and I address the fact that our wife carries around this fundamental insecurity about our love? Based on all the research, there are two key solutions:

1) In the face of insecurity, reassure her.

2) Even after you’ve caught her, continue to pursue her.

Thankfully, both are completely doable for ordinary guys like you and me.

Part 1. Regular Reassurance

Once her insecurity has been triggered and her heart is wondering, “Does he really love me?” the solution is simple: Reassure her that you do. Here are five ways to do that.

1. During conflict, reassure her of your love.

During
the disagreement, the misunderstanding, the really bad treatment? Yes. In the middle of a conflict, affirm your love as real and enduring, quite separate from your anger or her behavior.

That is the magic bullet that almost every woman told us would make all the difference: If their man would say, “I’m angry right now, and I need some space, but
I want you to know that we’re okay
.” On the survey, a whopping 95 percent of women said that this one step on our part would diminish or even eliminate the emotional turmoil on their part.

In an emotional conflict, if your husband/significant other initiates a step to reassure you of his love, how much does it help diminish any turmoil you are feeling? [Choose one answer.]

That is the magic bullet that almost every woman told us would make all the difference.

Chances are, in conflict, your woman is feeling unloved (even unlovable) and needs you to look her in the eye and tell her that you love her and you’re not going anywhere.

Okay, reality check: You won’t
feel
your words in the same way you did when you were parked above the city in your convertible and her perfume was driving you crazy. It’s one thing for us to give reassurances when things are peachy, but quite another when we’re at odds with each other and we’d rather stomp out to the garage and split a block of wood with our bare hands.

But the survey also showed that 86 percent of women said that bolstered by our “I want you to know that we’re okay” reassurance, they’d be better able to give us the space we need. (Do you see the possibilities? Reassure her of your love,
then
stomp out to the garage!) Why? Because we’ve reassured them on the original question,
Does he still love me?

It’s one thing for us to give reassurances when things are peachy, but quite another when we’re at odds and would rather stomp out to the garage and split a block of wood with our bare hands.

Suppose you and your husband/significant other are in the middle of an emotional conflict, and he eventually says, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” If he were to add a reassurance, such as, “I want you to know that we’re okay,” would that make you more or less likely to be able to give him space? [Choose One Answer]

There is one final step to making this magic bullet really work, though. After you’ve had your space “for a while,” you have to come back and be willing to address the original issue, without making her bring it up.

Easy? No. Effective? You bet. Because, as one woman said, “The fact that he comes back often matters more than the reason for the conflict in the first place.”

“The fact that he comes back often matters more than the reason for the conflict in the first place.”

2. When you need space, reassure her that it’s not about her.

If you’re like most guys, when you have a lot of thinking to do—even if there’s no conflict—you need time alone to process things. Most women we heard from react exactly the opposite—only 9 percent wanted to handle their feelings of insecurity alone. (Which is also why, when you two are at odds and you most want to get away to process in silence, she most wants to talk.)

So state your need in the context of hers: “Honey, right now I just need some time alone—I’m just out of sorts. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you.” That will make it much easier for her to let you have space without misinterpreting your need.

3. If she’s upset, realize she doesn’t need space—she needs a hug.

When our wife or girlfriend is upset, we do what we would do with other guys: We give her space to work things out. But with very few exceptions, when women are upset they don’t want space. They want a hug.

I think this next comment is one of the most valuable “just do this” quotes in the book:

All I want is him to know that half the time I’m just as confused as he is. Instead of getting upset and leaving me alone to “calm down,” I just want him to come close and give me a huge hug and let me know he loves me and he wants me to feel better again.

4. If she needs to talk about the relationship, do your best to listen without becoming defensive.

The next step is a little bit more intimidating, but essential. If she
does
need to talk, try to see it as she does: a joint problem-solving session instead of an attack on
you
.

“When I tell him how I feel about something concerning our relationship, I am just trying to share my feelings so we can discuss it,” one woman told us. “But he takes it as criticism, and then I feel like the bad guy for bringing it up. I wish he could understand that it’s important for me to be able to talk about these things and understand that I’m not just being critical.”

All this research has convinced me that when most women bring up a problem, they are
not
thinking that we’ve failed—and we need to push through our natural tendency to view what they are saying as criticism.

5. If she is being difficult, don’t stop—keep reassuring her of your love.

Finally, let’s address a dynamic that confuses and even aggravates us: the importance of reassuring and showing love to our wife
even when
she’s difficult, resistant, or pushing us away. As you can probably guess by now, that is usually just one more (and more difficult!) sign of that “Do you really love me?” question.

When we asked some women why they might push their husband away or make it hard for their husband to love them (by being difficult or critical, for example), most women knew exactly what we were talking about. But they had a hard time explaining
why
they did it. It was really, they said, a subconscious attempt to assuage their inner uncertainty about his love.

Another woman made this comment, which is long, but very valuable for confused men like you and me:

You have to realize, if a woman says, “I need to hear that you love me,” and the guy dutifully says, “I love you,” well, that’s essentially meaningless: like she made him say something he didn’t feel. So if she’s feeling confused and neglected and really does want to be assured of his feelings, she can’t just ask. And if they are at odds, she’s maybe a little mad at him, so when he approaches her, she pushes him away
even though that is what she most wants
! But if he’ll put aside his pride and try again, if he’ll risk grabbing her hand and saying something like “Don’t go away. I want to know what’s wrong,” that will break through her defenses. It tells her that no matter how she’s feeling right then, that
whew
, he really loves her.