For Better or Worse (Book 2 in the Forgiving Hearts Trilogy) (17 page)

He strolled back into the room with an apologetic smile. “Sorry that took so long.”

“That’s okay.” She watched him sit down and cross his legs at the ankles. “Was I pregnant when we got married?” His instinctive jerk told her she was right.
How had she managed to do so many things wrong?
“That explains a lot.”

One eyebrow lifted. “What does it explain?”

“My general tendency to do everything backwards.” She stopped and looked at him. “How in the world did I talk you into something like that?”

The other eyebrow joined the first. “You’re a little confused, but I’m not sure it’s important enough to worry about right now.”

Hannah ignored this. She was determined to get him to answer her. “Of course it’s important. This is actually starting to make sense to me. You’ve got to stop protecting me from the truth. I promise I won’t lose it like I did last night.” When he still said nothing, she sighed heavily. “Your silence tells me all I need to know.”

“I’m not sure what I answered.”

“Mitchell is Sophia’s biological father, isn’t he?” She stopped for a minute as if trying to take it in. “Nothing is like I thought it was. It’s like I’m stuck in some sort of nightmare where everything keeps getting worse and worse.”

He put his arm around her. “I know, and I’m sorry.”

Hannah lay quiet against him for a few minutes and then, “Jackson?”

“Hmm?”

“You won’t do anything rash, will you?”

He laughed. “Like what?”

“Send me back to Mitchell.”

Jackson tilted up her chin and waited for her to look at him. “Why would you think that?”

“Because that’s what I deserve.”

* * * *

Jackson felt her fear as easily as if it was his own, and he hated that more unpleasant truths awaited Hannah. He also knew that any future they had together depended on her knowing everything.

“I would never send you away.”

Hannah touched the ring on his finger. “Do you really have my ring or did you just tell me that to keep me from getting upset?”

“I have it.”

“Will you ever let me wear it again?”

“It’s not a matter of me
letting
you wear it. It’s whether you
want
to wear it.” He stood up and held out his hand. “Come with me.”

She followed him down the hall, but stopped outside his room. “Jackson, did you
ever
sleep in my room?”

“No, but…” he didn’t get any further.

Her hands flew to her cheeks as a tide of color washed over her face. “So we’ve never… Why kind of person was I?”

He gently pulled her hands away. “You didn’t let me finish. We didn’t marry for the usual reasons. It would have been wrong for me to take advantage of you in that way, especially when I knew you loved Mitchell.”

She could hardly look at him. “That doesn’t make it any better. If you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone for a while.”

“I’ll leave you alone, but hear me out first. You’re taking too much blame on yourself. We agreed to marry for Sophia’s sake. You thought of us as friends, and I let you believe that was all we were. You had no idea that I loved you until much later. You were upset about it then, and you’re upset about it now. In both instances, the fault is mine.”

Hannah took a few steps away from him and then turned around. “Tell me something. Exactly what
did
you get out of this marriage?”

“I got the opportunity to be with the two most important people to me in the world: you and Sophia.”

“At least one of us didn’t let you down.”

  * * * *

Jackson woke to the sound of Freya whining at the door. Getting out of bed, he heard the scrape of a chair against the tiled floor of the kitchen.
Hannah was up.
In spite of his doubts about the situation, his heartbeats quickened. Annoyed with a reaction he felt to be ridiculous given the circumstances, he stalked into the bathroom.

“How many more times do we have to have this discussion?” he addressed the tired face in the mirror. Freya barked from her position at the door. “I wasn’t talking to you, Miss Sunshine. You didn’t even attempt to play hard to get. One touch of her hand, and you were purring like a kitten. I don’t have that luxury.”

After getting dressed, he took a deep breath and left his room. Freya ran ahead of him. He limped into the kitchen in time to see Hannah kiss Freya’s head.
Why can’t it be that simple for me?
Biting his lip, he called the dog over and put her outside.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Hannah said softly. “I made the coffee.”

“Why would I mind? You always did make it better than me.” Instead of joining her at the table, he leaned against the counter. Distance was a good thing; it kept his crazy impulses in check.

“I had a bagel,” she said after a few seconds. “Do you want one?”

“No, thanks. I’ll not all that hungry, to tell you the truth.”

“From what I’ve seen, that’s a rarity.”

Jackson laughed. “Can’t deny it. I do enjoy eating.”

She shifted her chair to the side so she could look at him. “It just occurred to me that you’ve been off work since I came home. When do you go back?”

“Getting tired of me already?”

A pretty blush entered her cheeks. “No, I like having you here. I’ve been wondering what I’m going to do when you’re not.”

“You’ll find plenty of things to keep you busy. You’ll have Sophia and don’t forget Laurel is just down the street. I know everything is strange right now, but you’ll get used to it.”

“I know that, but it’s not the same. I feel better when you’re around.”

She said that to him before and then she left him to be with Mitchell. Was history going to repeat itself?

* * * *

After helping her out of the truck, Jackson pulled the hood of Hannah’s windbreaker over her head, his fingers lingering on her face. “It’s still misting a little. Are you sure you’re up for a walk on the beach?”

Trying to ignore her tingling skin, she burrowed her hands in her pockets. “Walking on the beach is a good idea any time. Too bad we didn’t bring a kite. It’s windy enough to fly one.”

He sent her a sideways glance. “You can’t fly a kite in the rain. Are you trying to find out if I still have the one from my bloody nose adventure?”

Hannah laughed. “You’ll have to figure that out for yourself.”

He guided her to the path leading to the shore. “I have yet to figure out any woman. Even our four-year-old is a mystery to me. Which way?”

She pointed to the right. “So, did you? Keep the kite, I mean?”

“I wasn’t going to get rid of something you touched.”

She slid her arm through his. “You’re a hopeless romantic.”

“It gets worse. I also have the home run ball.”

“No wonder I couldn’t find it.”

Jackson abruptly stopped walking. “What do you mean you couldn’t find it?”

“I went back a few days later looking for it.”

He smiled widely. “Did you just hear yourself? You remembered something from your childhood.”

“Random things like that will pop into my head, but I can’t always tie them to anything. You mentioned me hitting the home run the other night, but it wasn’t until today when you said it again that I remembered.”

“This is very encouraging.”

Hannah sat down and patted the area next to her. When he raised his eyebrows, she said, “Are you afraid of a little wet sand?”

“Not at all.” He took his place beside her.

“Are there any other souvenirs from our past lurking around in your closet?”

“Nope. You know all my secrets.”

She looked at the water. “I wish I knew my own. Do you think Mitchell will come again?”

“I’d be surprised if he doesn’t.”

“Then I wish he’d do it so we can get it over with and move on.”

“It won’t do much good if he comes before you’ve figured out everything.”

Hannah sifted sand from one hand to the other. “I don’t need to remember to know I don’t want to be with him.”

“Yes, you do, Hannah.”

“Are you saying
our
relationship is dependent on me remembering Mitchell?”

“I’m saying that we can’t make decisions if we don’t have all the facts.”

“You’re not going to let yourself get close to me, are you? You think I’ll leave again.”

“Neither of us knows what brought you here or what your plans were.”

“I’m not going back to him, Jackson.”

He stretched out and put his hands behind his head. “What are you basing that on? It’s not as if you know me any better than you know him.”

Hannah leaned over him. “How can you say that? Of course I know you better than him. I may have lost my memory, but I haven’t lost the ability to observe and draw conclusions. My present knowledge of you is limited, but it’s enough for me to know that you’re someone I could be happy with.”

The wind blew her hair across his face. He inhaled its scent and twirled one of the long strands around his finger. “I’m not doubting you, Hannah, but given our unusual circumstances, it’s only prudent to move slowly.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do.”

Jackson closed his eyes. “Would you like to go out to dinner tonight?”

“That would be fun.”

He felt her fingers moving through his damp hair. Her touch was light, but it sent tiny shivers down his spine. “That feels nice,” he murmured. Leaving his hair, she caressed the side of his face. Jackson’s pulse started to race as his entire body seemed to come alive. When she reached his lips, he opened his eyes and caught her hand.

“I thought you were asleep,” she admitted.

“I’d have to be very tired to sleep in these conditions.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

His eyes reflected both passion and torment. “No, but you probably should.”

Hannah leaned down and kissed his cheek. “Another time then.”

Jackson didn’t trust himself to speak. His self-control was hanging on by the thinnest of threads. The desires that had long been dormant inside him had come to life with an ease that left him shaken. He was allowing himself to get caught up in a situation that was founded on nothing of substance. This time with Hannah was similar to an illusion that could shatter at the first touch of reality. Forcing a smile to his lips, he stood up and pulled her to her feet. “We should be getting back.”

* * * *

Hannah sighed inwardly as they retraced their steps to the truck. Jackson hadn’t said a word in the last ten minutes. The scars she had to worry about weren’t the visible ones. His love for her wasn’t in doubt, but it was obvious from his reaction that he didn’t trust her. He had drawn a line in the sand that he wasn’t going to cross.

In no way did she blame him for doubting her motives. She hadn’t valued his love when he offered it and hadn’t deemed it important enough to alter her own plans. Such duplicity couldn’t be easily forgiven and made any kind of resolution difficult. Jackson didn’t settle for less, no matter what the cost to himself. He didn’t lower his standards to get what he wanted. Until the past was resolved – and perhaps not even then – things would remain as they were between them.

Her glance left the blue water and met the blueness of his eyes. The insecurity she saw there was
her
doing, and it would have to be
her
actions that took it away. She couldn’t force her memories to return, but hopefully she could find a way to show him that his heart was finally safe with her.

* * * *

Jackson took her to a family-owned Italian restaurant located on the water. Sitting across from him at their candlelit table, she felt a stirring of recognition.

“Have we been here before?”

He looked up from the menu. “Yes, many times.”

“Wasn’t the piano over by that window?”

Jackson looked behind him. “You know, I think it was. This is starting to get exciting. It’s like we’re on a treasure hunt inside your head.”

She laughed. “I’m glad you’re getting so much enjoyment out of my confusion.”

“I’m trying to put a positive spin on a challenging situation.”

“Isn’t that what you do with everything? Try to find the good?”

He laid down the menu and leaned forward on his elbows. “It doesn’t make much sense to focus on the bad. God tells us that everything works together for good.”

“For those that love Him and are called for His purpose. I remember that verse. I can remember more about God than anyone else. That’s ironic when you consider how little I heeded His words.”

“You’re no different than anyone else, Hannah. All of us fall short of God’s standards. That’s why we need Jesus.”

Her smile was wistful. “I know God has forgiven me. I’m not sure you ever will.”

He reached across the table and touched her hand. “You don’t need to worry about that. I forgave you a long time ago.”