For Better or For Worse (25 page)

Lucy

It was about a quarter to
six before Grant came home, Greg and sparks sat in the TV room
while I stayed in the kitchen and sipped on some coffee. I cried
mostly throughout the day because I knew what had to happen as soon
as Grant came home, there was no avoiding this conversation and I
no longer desired to. He found me in the kitchen, quickly peeped my
vibe and sat across from me. He looked tired and stressed at the
same time. “How was your day?” I asked. Grant leaned back in the
chair and started rocking back and forth. “It was good…it was
good.” I nodded and sipped some more of my coffee. I was tired of
avoiding the obvious so pushed the conversation further. “Anything
particular happen?”

Grant stared straight ahead
not looking my way. “After work I ran by Frank’s house for a
minute…his dog had puppies.” He was smiling and his face lit up
when he said that. “They were cute.” I froze my body and everything
in the room disappeared except for me and him. You had no idea how
bad this was hurting me, but I didn’t let up, I just came right out
asked. “Is it a boy or girl?” Grant instantly stopped the chair
from rocking but still refused to look at me…it closed his eyes for
a moment before answering. “It’s a boy.” I placed my coffee cup
down sloppily spilling it on the table because my body was shaking.
I chuckled at the situation even though nothing was funny…it was to
stop from crying. I refused to break down, not now and not ever
again. I looked at him sincerely as possibly, not wanting to fight,
not wanting to cry or anything. I just really wanted him to hear
where I was coming from. “Grant look at me.” He turned his head
slightly to me. “We can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep pretending
like our problems don’t exist. I knew exactly where you were going
to today.” Grant dropped his head in shame…did he really think he
could hide this from me. “I know where you have been going and I
could have made up every excuse in the world to keep you here but I
didn’t because I knew it would be wrong. Hell this whole situation
is wrong.” I smoothed my hair back trying to calm down. Grant took
a deep breath before finally speaking. “I brought you here because
I thought that if I…if I took you away from all the drama that we
could be happy again.” Tears slid down my face unwillingly. It was
true, we were happy for a while.

As long as I forgot, as
long as I pretended I didn’t know he had a child with another
woman. “We were happy because we didn’t talk about it, because we
were away from it….away from her…him.” I reached for his hand, he
gave it to me, and I kissed his smooth skin. “I love you very much
do you know that? I do love you, but I can’t play pretend anymore.”
Grant looked away from me; I could tell he was fighting tears
something I hadn’t seen in a while. “I don’t know where we stand. I
don’t know if we can overcome this but I do know that this is
something that I need to figure out for myself. I need to come to
that decision alone.” I was begging and pleading with him to
understand. He nodded but I could tell he was still resistant. “I
know you have to do what you have to do.

I just fear if I let you
go….you won’t come back.” It looked so hard for him to say, I
reached out to comfort him but he pulled away from me. Grant stood
in the doorway of the kitchen with his back turned. “We will go
back to the city first thing in the morning….I love you.” I wiped
my face and straightened my robe convincing myself that I was doing
the right thing but my heart was breaking all over again. I
struggled to stand and make it into the living room. I walked
outside in my robe to the patio doors and headed for the gardens;
although it started to drizzle a little I didn’t want to go back
inside. I stared at the blue jasmine flowers growing along the
vines, with the grey skies and dripping rain the beautiful flowers
appeared as if they were glowing. I reached out and touch their
softness as if they could give me solace
.
I need to get through this God, even if I have to walk alone, I
need to believe I can make through.

Chapter
27

Make a decision

Grant

“
He’s making spit bubbles
at me…” I laughed as I held Gage in my arms. He was getting bigger
by the minute and before I knew it he would be in college. It had
been some time since Lucy and I returned to the city and I was
trying to get a grip on my life the best I could. I was back to
work full time, hanging with the fellas, and spending some time
with my boys…both my boys. Gage wasn’t as fussy as Greg was but was
definitely messier. “This is the third shirt I have worn today.”
Alexia came into the room and eyed use playing. “That’s why you put
the towel on your shoulder when you’re holding him…its throw up
proof.” She cocked an attitude with me playfully. “Well excuse me
for not being an expert at this like you are.” I smiled while still
eying my son. “Don’t beat yourself up about it not everybody is
this talented with babies.” She sat beside us on the couch and
admired our father and son bonding. “He really likes you.” I
smirked at her playfully. “He should I’m his father.”

Gage had gotten a little
bigger since I last saw him. He had deep tanned skin, brownish
colored hair and a cute button nose. “My son is so adorable…you’re
going to be a heart breaker kid.” “He’s got it honest.” Alexia
smiled at me, I could tell she wanted to say something else so I
sat back and waited. “Thank you for being there for him and me.”
She finally got out. I looked at her puzzled. “I always told you
I’d be there for you two.” She nodded. “I know but a lot of men in
your situation would have walked out and never looked back but you
chose to stick around and I really appreciate it Grant.” I looked
at her those once tempting eyes looked very sincere. “You don’t
have to thank me I’m doing my job.” She was right I could have
easily denied her and my son. But I wasn’t that type of man and I
was going to be. I was never going to do to my children what my
parents did to me. I leaned back on the couch as Gage was falling
asleep. “I can’t tell you this isn’t difficult for me…but I
promised you I’d be here and I’m going to honor that.” I stared at
her sternly so she would know I was serious. Alexia nodded. “I
know…I know.” “But I need to make something clear.

I am very much in love with
my wife and even though were going through some rough times right
now I still believe we have a chance….”Her already hesitant smile
faded as I continued. “I know you have feelings for me and I would
be lying if I said I don’t have feelings for you. But I can’t make
you believe that there is a future for us when there is not.” I was
being as honest as possible without trying to upset her, but some
things just needed to be said regardless of the result. Alexia
sighed and looked at me searching for some type of hope for us in
my eyes and when she couldn’t find any she admitted defeat. She
kissed my cheek and rested her head on my shoulder. the family vibe
that I felt reminded me so much of Lucy, Greg and I. I tilted my
head back and sighed. I wish I had a clue as to where my life was
heading but all the answers remained up above and I had no choice
but to take it day by day.

Lucy

“
So the party was fabulous
honey. Let me tell you. There were so many designers there it was
crazy…” I listened to Meg go on about the annual Elite party. It
took a minute for me to get back into the swing of things at work
especially with so much on my mind. I constantly thought about
Grant and the time we spent away. My dad was happier than ever to
know we were home and away from Grant. “Lucy I say you press
charges this was kidnapping to the fullest extent.” He fussed. “Dad
stop it.” Was all I could muster. I didn’t want to hear his
fussing, I was going to come to a decision about my marriage and I
definitely was not going to get any encouragement from my father.
There were so many things I missed while being gone and now that I
was back I didn’t know if I cared about any of it anymore.
“Gabrielle was very impressed with the designs diva.” Catherine
threw a glance Megs way smiling at her achievement. She laughed.
“Well that’s all credit to the designers I just gave them ideas.”
Destiny rolled her eyes. “Oh you modest Mandy.” She looked at me
and her face appeared more serious now. “So what happened with
Grant Lucy?” I took a sip of wine while pretending to look
confused. “With what?” She gave me the
girl you know what I’m talking about look.
I took a deep breath as I began to dish my dirt.
“We talked...Something we haven’t done in a long time.

For the most part it was a
good experience it made us realize something’s I don’t think we
would have down here.” Alayah and Catherine sucked their teeth, but
Destiny and Megan nodded. “I feel you its good you two were able to
come to an understanding. ...So did y’all bone?” Meg asked
curiously, I nearly spit out all of my white wine. “Really...is
that all you think we did?” “Aha…” Alayah said pointing a finger at
me. “So you admit y’all did it.” I had to laugh to keep from
choking this girl. Cat shook her head. “Well girl I don’t blame
you, I know his fine ass was going to wear you down sooner or
later.” We all were tripping out and I had to admit I was having
fun. “I can’t stand y’all. Listen whatever happened on said trip
stays on said trip.” I said sternly. Destiny chimed in. “Scratch
all that…So what happens now?” They all perked their ears up to
hear my answer.

I took a sip of wine again
and a deep breath. “I am going to do some soul searching and if I
come to a decision about my marriage you will know.” They all
rolled their eyes and sighed. “Look ladies this decision is not
going to come lightly…I need to know what I am doing is right
before I throw away seventeen years of hard work.” I preached.
Megan touched my hand. “Lucy we all know this isn’t going to be
easy and deep down only you know what you want to do. We just want
you to weigh out all your options.” “Yeah Luce, know what you’re
getting into when you make this decision.” Alayah stared at me. “I
just hope whatever decision you come to is the right decision for
not only you but your son as well.” They all nodded. I thought
about everything that they were saying, this decision is going to
affect me for the rest of my life…it has to be the right
one.

I sat in the back of the
church, and listened as the lead singer of the mass choir song a
rendition of Fred Hammond’s no weapon. It sounded so beautiful and
was exactly what I needed to hear. I enjoyed the sweet sound as
their voices soothed my soul. “Yes..Yes…” Pastor Wallace said as he
came to the mic. “The song says no weapon formed against me shall
prosper…How many of you believe that tonight huh? Let me see you
wave your hand.” The crowd cheered. “See when you believe that God
is in control, the things of the world cant harm you….When you
believe God is all mighty, your little everyday problems become
smaller and smaller.” The entire crowd was all yes and amen. “You
see Satan, is against peace and happiness for us brothers and
sisters….so he will throw up stumbling blocks in our way to see
when the going gets rough can we still stand.” “Yes.” the crowd
cheered.

“
Brothers and sisters I’m
here to tell you today that whatever you going through...No matter
how bad it is, now matter the circumstance, God is in the mist…Even
if you can’t see no way out, you don’t know where to go or who turn
to, he’s right there holding your hand ready to see you through.”
“Hallelujah, Amen, Preach pastor.” the crowd yelled. I clung to
every word he said and let him speak to my spirit. “And I know your
tired, your hurt, your angry, your stressed but if you just lean on
him…I know he will make a way out of no way…. You don’t want to
give up on your blessings…You don’t want to do it…because no man
has seen nor heard the things that the Lord has for them that love
him amen.” Everyone stood up and clapped as Pastor Wallace ended
his sermon and as the crowd left I stayed behind. “Sister Smith is
that you?” The pastor spotted me in the last pew. “It has been a
while since I’ve seen you here.” I nodded as Pastor Wallace took a
seat beside me. “Pastor I need your help.” He nodded. “Well sister
I’m all ears speak your mind.” “I want to stay with my husband but
I don’t know if I can... With him and this baby…I don’t think my
heart can take it.”

I confessed everything to
the pastor hoping he could lead me to the right place. Pastor
Wallace patted my shoulder. “Sister the Lord never puts more on you
than you can bear, now this situation of yours aint easy and won’t
get any easier. You have to decide yourself is your marriage worth
saving.” I exhaled and looked him straight in the eye. “That’s the
thing pastor I don’t know… it just seems so easy to leave.” “It
always seems easier to leave especially when your problems are this
bad and this is straight horrible. I mean I have yet to come across
a situation this awful in my...” “Ok.” I cut off him. “I get it.”
The pastor chuckled. “The thing I’m trying to say is sister that
marriage is hard and grueling work but the end reward is something
to look forward to. You two have reached the bottom of the barrel
but that means there is nowhere else to go but up. You can’t make
your mind do what your hearts don’t want to. This is where you
decide if your marriage is worth fighting for…for better or for
worse.”

Chapter 28

For
better or for worse

Grant

It was spring in New York,
the outdoors where beautiful, the parks where filled with picnics,
and lovers enjoying each other. I walked through Central Park and
watched the wind blow leaves and flowers through the air. This was
the first time in a while I took some time to myself. This past
year was one of the most difficult of my life, I have endured a lot
of pain, and I have caused a lot of pain. It was a blessing I was
still standing tall. My marriage was still in limbo with no chance
of getting better; I was tired of hoping and praying that things
would take a turn. I could apologize for a lot of things but I
couldn’t apologize for Gage being born. I had to face some hard
facts about my marriage, that maybe I may end up being alone, if
Lucy couldn’t forgive me and except Gage as my son then there was
no way we could move forward; Even if it was breaking my heart. I
felt a slight breeze through the air; I wrapped my dark coat around
me and found an empty bench. I took a deep breath and smiled at all
the love in the air but I just wished I had some love of my
own.