Following Your Heart (4 page)

“You'll go back, Susan,” Teresa said. “Your voice is full of longing.”

Susan reached over to touch Teresa's hand. “You're imagining things,” she said. “I'm staying here with you and Samuel.”

“No, you sound like you came home just because of me,” Teresa said. “That's awful. It makes me sick in my soul.”

Susan turned to face Teresa. “Look,” she said, “I needed to come home, okay? So don't worry about it. Perhaps you were part of the reason I came home, but you've seen
Mamm
and
Daett
. They also need me. They're getting older, and I can decide what to do with my life from here as well as I can in Asbury Park. Perhaps a little better. It's quieter here, and a person can think without all the noise and busyness of the city.”

“I know
I'm
staying, Susan,” Teresa said. “If I have to sleep in a barn, I'm staying.”

“No one's going to make you sleep in a barn!” Susan chuckled. “So stop talking like that.”

“But what about your minister back there?” Teresa asked, looking over her shoulder. “Will I be able to gain his approval?”

“Well,” Susan said, thinking a moment, “you'll have to obey the
Ordnung
, of course. That is, if you plan to stay very long. Beyond that, he has little to do with you.”

“I guess he looked friendly enough,” Teresa said with a sigh. “But what if he finds out I'm a girl from the world and have a baby without a husband?”

“He might already know. If not, that's bound to happen sometime soon,” Susan admitted. “Right now, I think the only thing people need to know is that an
Englisha
girl with a child has come home with me. That's really
all
they need to know.”

Teresa's eyes grew wide. “So now you tell me,” she said. “I thought you said I would be accepted in the community.”

“I'm not saying you won't be. It just might be hard at first. You're liked by
Mamm
and
Daett
, so that's a
gut
start. It just might take a little longer with some people. But you can prove yourself, and then everything will be fine.”

“I don't think the not married and having a child thing will be such a small matter,” Teresa muttered.

“That's true,” Susan agreed. “We could tell them you're widowed. That might work and be better received.”

“I hope you're not serious!” Teresa turned her head so fast her bonnet bounced against Susan's shoulder.

“Of course I'm not serious,” Susan said with a laugh. “Lies get a person nowhere. Eventually everything will come out. But let people get to know you first. When they know you, they'll like you. You're a nice person and very tenderhearted. People will see that. Then you can share more of your situation.”

“You're going to have me crying all over the place,” Teresa said. “With such compliments,” she added.

“Well, you
are
nice and tenderhearted, so there!” Susan affirmed.

“I'm not worried about me,” Teresa said. “If Samuel can have a wonderful life, that's all I ask for.”

“See, that's what I mean,” Susan said, turning to face her again. “You should care about yourself—at least a little.”

“No, I shouldn't. I don't deserve it. I've been with a man, Susan. And that makes me a bad woman.”

“Oh, Teresa!” Susan scolded, switching the lines to one hand and hugging her friend with the other.

“Well, doesn't it?” Teresa asked.

“No, it doesn't,” Susan said, her voice firm. “We
all
make mistakes. Everybody does.”

“Have you ever been with a man?” Teresa asked.

“No, but…”

“See what I mean?”

“But you can always start over.
Da Hah
will help you do that,” Susan encouraged, giving Teresa another hug. “I think you're giving yourself too hard a time. You weren't raised like I was.”

“People will always look at me and see how much I've failed,” Teresa said. “Especially your people. To them I'll always be the
Englisha
woman who has sinned horribly.”

“W-e-l-l-l-l…” Susan said while looking up at the sky, “let's see. We could marry you off to old Yost Byler. He has a small farm, a dirty house, and two horses nearly at death's door although they manage to get him around. They say he lives on beans and corn every day…and maybe an egg on Saturday morning. The only thing he doesn't have is a wife because no Amish woman will marry him.”

“That sounds like what I deserve,” Teresa said in a low voice. “If that.”

Susan peered around the edge of Teresa's bonnet.

“Will I see this man on Sunday?” Teresa asked.

Susan looked even closer at Teresa's face. “You don't think I'm serious?” she asked. “Surely, Teresa…”

“Well, this fellow sounds about right to me,” Teresa interrupted.

Susan sat back in the seat with a sigh. “Listen. There will be no Yost Byler in your life, Teresa. You have too good a heart for him. And I wouldn't marry you off to a person like him anyway. I was teasing you.”

Teresa looked determined. “Well, don't make jokes about it,” she said. “Right now any husband would look good to me as long as he's Amish.”

“I said I wasn't serious, Teresa.”

Teresa shivered. “I think I would marry
any
Amish man who would have me. I would close my eyes and think only of Samuel and what's best for him.”

“Do you know what I think lies ahead for you?” Susan asked as they turned onto the blacktop road.

“No,” Teresa said.

“Smooth sailing, that's what. Just like the road we're on now.”

Teresa laughed. “You do have great flights of fancy, Susan. I'll be happy if I'm just allowed to stay here.”

“Okay then,” Susan agreed with a sigh. “If your sights are that low…”

“I'm prepared to eat corn and beans, sleep in haymows, and dress in rags,” Teresa said. “Whatever it takes.”

“Teresa—come on and cheer up,” Susan said. “It won't be that bad. But let me give you a little advice, just to be safe. For starters, don't talk about your past with anyone. And I mean
anyone
. Remember that anything you say to someone other than to
Mamm
or me, and perhaps some close friend you develop in the future, will get passed around the community. It's not that our people are gossips. It's just the way people are. So the less said the better. What needs to be said,
Mamm
and I will say at the proper moments and in the proper amounts. As for you, you will be with us. You will live at our house, safe and secure. Make sure you don't blurt out things, okay? No matter how you feel or what you think. Talk to us first so we can explain the ways of the community.”

“I feel scared already,” Teresa said, watching the fields go by.

“That was supposed to make you feel better,” Susan said.

“I know,” Teresa said. “And I will try because I know this will be worth it in the end. For me and Samuel. And I can't wait for my first Sunday and the church services. I'm sure I'll feel much better being in the company of so many holy people.”

“I don't know about that,” Susan said. “Do you know anything about what happens at an Amish church service?”

“Only what I've seen on the movies and TV,” Teresa admitted.

“Well, it won't be exactly like that, believe me,” Susan said.

“But the peace, the happiness, the contentment—surely they will be there?”

“
Yah
,” Susan said, turning to Teresa. “I guess there's some of that. But you do need to be careful. It's best that you stay in the background at first. You will be with us, so you will be accepted as a guest of ours. Join in, but don't say much. And let's see, maybe I could teach you some German words quickly. People will warm up to you faster if they hear you trying to speak our language.”

“I'll speak German all day long,” Teresa said. “Anything to help Samuel get accepted into the community. For his sake, you know.”

“And for your own,” Susan added. “Now, try saying
ich swiecht net Deutsch
.”

Teresa tried the strange-sounding words, rolling them on her tongue.

“Try again,” Susan said. “That was close.”

“What does it mean?” Teresa asked. “Perhaps that will help.”

“It means ‘I don't speak German.' ”

“Oh, that's really cute,” Teresa said. “I'm speaking German and saying I don't speak it.”

Susan chuckled. “Don't worry,” she said. “Your accent isn't even close, so people will know. Besides, it's intended as an icebreaker.”

“I'll never get this down,” Teresa groaned. “How am I supposed to get a German accent?”

“You probably won't for a while, but that's fine. No one will expect you to have the right pronunciation right away.”

“So what else will happen on Sunday?” Teresa asked.

“Well, let's see. Lots and lots of people will be there, and they will all wonder who you are, so stick close to me or
Mamm
. Especially after church when we eat together.”

“Are the services kind of long? What if I have to feed Samuel?” Teresa asked.

“About three hours. If you have to feed Samuel, what you do is watch where the other mothers go with their babies and follow them. I'd help you out there, but you'll have to sit with
Mamm
since you're a mother. We sit segregated according to gender, marriage status, and age.”

“What if I can't get my dress pinned up correctly afterward?” Teresa asked. “I'm not quite used to pins yet.”

“Maybe you should wear your
Englisha
dress for a few Sundays. No one will think ill of you.”

Teresa shook her head. “No, it's sink or swim,” she declared. “No
Englisha
dresses.”

“Then you'd better practice a lot before Sunday, that's all I can say,” Susan said. “And you can always ask one of the women to help you. They will be glad to give you a hand.”

A long silence followed. Susan finally looked over at Teresa and saw tears running down her face. “Now, now,” Susan said. “What are the tears for? It won't be that hard, I'm sure. Our people are very accepting. They'll like you when they get to know you.”

“I hope so,” Teresa said as she sniffled. “Your family has been so wonderful. I'm getting to experience all this while Mom is living in that rundown place. I wish she could be here with me.”

“You poor thing.” Susan wrapped her arm around Teresa's shoulder. “I'm so sorry your mom isn't here. I'm sure you miss her.”

“Maybe more miracles will happen in the future,” Teresa said. “Like Mom coming to join me.”

“I hope that happens, Teresa,” Susan agreed. “That would be quite wonderful.”

“I don't really believe Mom will ever come,” Teresa said. “If she did, she might not be happy here like I am.”

Susan tightened the reins, slowing Toby down as they approached the small town of Livonia.

“That's where we came off the bus,” Teresa said, pointing out the spot.

“
Yah
, it is,” Susan confirmed.

“That will always be holy ground for me,” Teresa said. “It's where I first set foot in the promised land.”

C
arrying bags of groceries, Susan and Teresa came out of the Dutch Barn and made their way to where the buggy was parked.

“No one's staring at me,” Teresa noted.

“The owners are Mennonites,” Susan said. “And you look Amish. Around here seeing the Amish isn't considered unusual.”