Floods 10 (5 page)

‘Not by us, it won't.'

‘It will be written on the maps,' said Edna proudly. ‘You will be able to tell people you live near

‘What people?'

‘Anyone who asks you.'

‘No one does,' said the old lady who lived in the small yet-to-be-named village that was quite near

‘They might.'

‘No, they won't, and if they did, I'd just say, “I live here”, and if they say, “Well, where is that?” I would say, “Right here, quite near that big mountain over there”.'

‘But suppose you go somewhere else?' asked Maldegard.

‘Now why on earth would I want to do that?' said the old lady. ‘I am ninety-seven years old and I have never been somewhere else and I am not going to start doing that sort of thing now.'

‘Well …' Edna began.

‘Excuse me,' said another old lady. ‘What's a map?'

‘This is going to be an uphill struggle,' said Mordonna.

‘What hill?' asked the old lady. ‘That one over there?'

They named the village of seven houses and a pond
, and then drove very slowly away.

‘Supposing someone builds another house?' said Edna.

‘Look at them,' said Maldegard. ‘I think it's more likely the ones that are there will fall down. Then the name will have a significant historic meaning.'

They came to a crossroad, one of only four in the whole of Transylvania Waters, and named it

‘Not much of a name, is it?' said Maldegard. ‘I think we need to be more adventurous. After all, one of the reasons we're doing the map is to encourage tourism. We need to give places the sort of names that make people really want to go there.'

So they renamed the first crossroad
which was a bit
pointless really because they forgot to name the roads themselves or put up any signs saying what was down them.

‘I thought this was going to be a lot more fun,' said Maldegard.

‘Oh well, at least we're outside in the fresh air,' said Edna, who was one of those people who is quite often annoyingly and unnaturally cheerful when everyone else is being properly miserable.

It began to rain.
¹⁴

They tried to drive the car under a very big, wide oak tree, but it got stuck in the mud in the middle of the road so they had to climb out into the mud and struggle across to the tree, where at least they didn't get quite so wet, apart from Edna's left shoe which stayed stuck in the mud and completely filled up with water. At least she wasn't quite so irritatingly cheerful After that.

‘Shall we name this tree?' she said.

‘It's already got a name,' said a voice.

‘What? Eh?' said Maldegard.

The two women spun round, but there did not appear to be anyone there.

‘I said, it's already got a name,' said the voice again.

The voice was coming out of a dark opening in the tree itself. The voice was followed by a very small man carrying an umbrella made of cabbage leaves and twigs.

‘This tree is called Yggdrasil, the Tree of Life,' said the man. ‘And I am Nedwin, the Keeper of the Tree.'

‘Are you …' Maldegard began.

‘A goblin?' said Nedwin. ‘I am not prepared to answer that question unless I am standing on the Box of Tallness and I left it in my office. Tell me who rules this country? Is it still the cursed King Quatorze?'

‘No, he has been thrown out and the rightful King, Nerlin the son of Merlin, has been restored to the throne,' said Maldegard.

‘We are his daughters-in-law,' said Edna.

‘Is this true?' said Nedwin.

‘Sort of,' said Edna, explaining that Maldegard was, but she was actually human and a sort of honorary witch who was not actually related to the king, but the wife of the Chancellor who was the king's left-hand man. ‘Do I look like the sort of person who tells lies?'

‘Well, no, you don't. Though you do look like a Sunday School teacher.'

‘Why are you so concerned about who's in charge?' said Maldegard.

‘Because I am not Nedwin, the Keeper of the Tree,' said the person who was not Nedwin, the Keeper of the Tree. ‘I am Hildebrande Flood, nephew of the great wizard Merlin.'

‘So that makes you the cousin of the King,' said Maldegard.

‘Indeed,' said Hildebrande. ‘We used to play blow-cricket
¹⁵
together as children, but then after the revolution when our family was thrown into the drains, I escaped and came here to hide in the
great Yggdrasil. I have lived here ever since. The ancient tree has hidden me and cared for me as I have lived out my long, lonely vigil with no one for company.'

‘Are you saying we are the first people you have seen since the Floods were overthrown all those years ago?' said Maldegard.

‘Yes, apart from the seven old widows in the village back there who bring me pies and socks and chocolate every Afternoon and of course the real Nedwin and the other eighteen true goblins who live in the great Yggdrasil's roots.'

‘It doesn't sound like your so-called vigil has been lonely at all,' said Edna.

‘When you put it like that, I suppose it hasn't,' said Hildebrande.

‘And you're not actually a goblin either, just quite short?' asked Maldegard.

‘Yes,' said Hildebrande. ‘Why are you standing out in the rain?'