Flicker (13 page)

chapter eighteen

A
fter helping me dress and brush my hair in silence, Timid walks with me into the Haven for the evening Binding Ceremony. I don’t know how to remedy the soundless sting hovering around us. Perfection had been willing to break rules in an effort to fill me in on the details of how The Light operates because she knew she wouldn’t be punished, but Timid has reason to follow Honor’s strict orders. If she disobeys, she’ll follow Hana into the dark.

The service at the Haven took my breath away this morning, but when I walk into the sanctuary now, it radiates with a different kind of beauty. Candles are lit, filling the large walls with a soft light. A chorus of voices echo in The Haven’s sparse space, as opposed to this morning when it was packed to the gills with Vessels and Humblemen. The effect is haunting and sacred; I feel the urge to bow my head as I enter in respect to something I can’t name.

The members of Humbleman Resolve’s family sit in the front pew. Mom is next to Duty and I do a quick count of the women next to her. There are seven in all; Mom will be his eighth Vessel-mate. Basil would’ve been nine, and that realization erases the spirit of reverence I had just a moment ago.

Timid leaves my side, finding a place to sit in the back. A young man leads me to the front and directs me to a pew three rows behind Mom, where children of all ages are doing their best to remain quiet. I’m impressed with their obedience, but knowing they behave in order to avoid the dark rooms causes my chest to constrict. I need to speak to Mom, but there’s no way I can walk over to her now, every Vessel would be listening to my panicked words and every Humbleman would be taking me by my arm, guiding me back to the place I belong.

Once I explain everything to Mom and she understands that they’ve forced a little girl into a pitch-dark chamber, she’ll never accept this place as her home. The Light masks their control and power over us with food and shelter. Surely Mom will see through that.

I sit in the pew watching as the Councilmen walk onto the platform in front. Humbleman Integrity places a goblet on the white stone altar and Mom is called forward. She walks to the front of the Haven, kneels and then bows her head, her dark auburn hair spills over her shoulders. A delicate gown flows to her bare feet and I hardly recognize her. She’s always been a woman in flannel shirts and blue jeans, hair swept in a ponytail, practical and industrious. Dad wouldn’t know her if he saw her now, and that makes me sad in a way I haven’t been since he died. Her back is to me and I can’t tell if she’s nervous as she pledges her life to a stranger, but how could she not be? Panic sweeps over me, with a few simple choices life, as I knew it, disappears.

She takes a long drink from the silver goblet held out to her by Humbleman Resolve. He looks muted with a grey face, and I wonder how that’s possible in a sanctuary lit with candles, with voices infusing our souls with beautiful melodies. I feel lighter, and my skin is brighter, since stepping foot on this Refuge.

Once Mom finishes the drink, her new Vessel-mates stand and sing in unison,

“Now Bound to our souls,

you’re in our fold forever more.

May we grow lighter each day as the

Holy time draws near.”

Humbleman Resolve takes her hand, leading her behind the altar table and up a small staircase where he slips a golden band over her finger. My heart skips, wondering where the band she wore for eighteen years has been placed. Nothing remains from before.

He leans over to Mom, holding her chin in his hand, and kisses her lips, sealing himself to her. I want to close my eyes, but I force myself to keep them open, knowing I need to see and try to understand. Mom’s neck tightens as he holds her there for an extra moment, as though he is claiming her, but she doesn’t pull away. Mom has committed herself to this life, and in doing so committed me.

I thought that would be the end of it, but Humbleman Resolve begins to speak, “I declare my new mate Vessel Clarity. She’s been led to us and her commitment is unwavering. The name bestowed upon her today will guide her as she learns the way of The Light.” His booming voice causes Mom to take a step back when he speaks.

Humbleman Integrity addresses us from the platform under the stairs, “I now present you a Vessel of Light. From this day forth Vessel Clarity will be taken under the wings of her Vessel-mates. May they guide you, Clarity, as you find your way in The Light.”

Then he announces her new Light name will be recorded in the official registry. She has become a mate to her Humbleman and a stranger to me. Everyone stands to leave, but I wait behind, wanting to speak to Mom. As the other mates walk past me, they touch my arm, acknowledging me as a member of their family; I am now a part of Humbleman Resolve’s grotesque family tree. I swallow hard, not wanting to think about my past life that’s been erased.

“Mom!”

She walks towards me with a tight smile on her face.

“It’s Clarity now, Lucy.”

“Umm, yeah, okay. You’re still my mom though.”

“But not like before. You can’t call me that or it will cause problems among the other women. Relationships between children and parents aren’t the same here as on our compound.” 

“Okay,
Clarity
, I just wish we could have talked. Did you hear, Basil tried to escape, and Hana’s in trouble--”

Mom cuts me off, “Lucy, I told you how I feel about being here. For now, this is our home.” She drops her voice to a whisper, “
It’s the only choice we have
.”

“I understand.” With those two simple words I’ve returned to the compound. Words that represent giving up and giving in, words that mean yes when I want to scream
No.
I’m alone in all of this. Mom left as quickly as Dad did.

“Lucy, it’ll get better. We need to stay in their good graces.” She leans down and kisses my cheek and I see the hint of a purple bruise on her jaw. “Reveal your light, soon, it’s important.”

I shake my head, not believing there’s a deeper purpose for our arrival at this Refuge. I need her to understand. “I don’t think it’s safe here, they have these dark rooms for the girls, and it’s really freaky. I want to go, Mom. I just wish you’d listen to me.”

“It’s the closest thing to safe we’re ever going to have. Do you remember how we’d eat protein shakes morning, noon, and night? We don’t have to live like that anymore. Life will only get better; when you show them what you can do they will never let us leave. We will be taken care of forever.”

“No, what if––”

Mom becomes more direct and she takes me by my shoulders, looking straight in my eyes, “No more ‘what if’s,’ Lucy. Focus on
what is
. You need to trust me.” She doesn’t say anymore, and I search her eyes, wanting to see a flicker of the Mom I know and love. The Mom willing to change her life course to bring me into the world. The Mom who made sure I lived when everyone around us died. That Mom is still here and she’s Bound herself to a stranger in order to keep me protected. I believe she thinks she is doing the right thing by me, but still my chest aches. I fear she’s made the wrong choice and talking sense into her isn’t going to work. If I’m ever going to leave this place, I don’t think it will be with her.

The Haven has emptied and I’m left alone to sit back down in my pew and stare at the altar table, where Mom knelt, giving her life away. I don’t want this life forced on me, I want choices and freedom and I don’t know why everyone’s so set against that. My mind returns to the apple tree and the blossoms swaying as I shook the branch, covering the faces of my family with petals. My body shakes as I cry for all I have loved, and all I have lost.

“Lucy?”

              I’m startled out of self-pity by a voice close to mine. Humbleman Integrity. My body tenses as he sits next to me. His bearded face reveals kind eyes, and although he has a grey cloud hovering around him, it’s diminished in the candle light around us.

             “Lucy, you need to stay strong.”

“I’m strong … I am … I just….” My mind knows I’m betraying the truth with my words. I stop because I don’t want to continue in lies. I brush my tears aside.

“Shhh, Vessel. Your tears, the ones shed for the things you’ve lost … those are the good tears.” I look at him, confused by his words. “Those are the tears that will make you strong.”

“You’re wrong, Basil left and Mom left and now Hana has been taken away. I didn’t want to come here and now you’re being kind, when everyone else is cruel. The Light is not helping me stay strong.”

He puts his arm around my shoulder, and a surge pulses through me. Shivers run over my body, jerking him back. I pull back, too. I look at him, wanting to know if he felt it. The surprise in his eyes makes me wonder if he noticed the pull of electricity between us.

“Did you…?” I ask, not knowing how to say what I feel with words. I’ve touched people before, my family at the compound, the Vessels I’ve met here. Charlie. But none of them ever created a spark within me like I just felt.

“I wasn’t wanting to scare you. I wanted to comfort you.” I look closer at him; sure he’s holding something back.  “Lucy, Basil’s been found and Hana is in a dark room for a short while.”

I let out deep sigh of gratitude.  “Can I see them?”

“Not now, they are learning more about The Light, and that is a good thing.”

“Then you should put me in the dark room, because I don’t seem to understand anything that’s going on here.” My words tumble out fast, my guard down, not sure I understand what’s happening between this man and me.

Humbleman Integrity shakes his head. “All Vessels learn to see the light through partners or Binding Ceremonies. Vessels like Basil are different. She needs to see in ways you don’t, through confinement in the dark, to remind her how desperately she needs The Light.”

“It doesn’t seem right. Vessels should have a say about their own lives. You’re just like my mom, she decided all this for me and I’m supposed to be okay with it.”

“It’s not about being okay or not, it’s about following The Light.”

“Why are you being kind to me?” I ask.

“You may be more important than you believe.”

“You know nothing about me.” But his touch, the surge that passed between us tells me Mom was right. The flicker of light in my hand must mean something to these people, maybe there is a reason I am here.

“People rarely believe in their own significance, you are no exception.”

The candles in the Haven go out as a young Vessel walks around the room, snuffing them, one by one. The Binding ceremony is over, the pomp and circumstance of the evening gone. But I’m not interested in extinguishing my flame quite yet. Mom wants me to be strong and I have no reason not to be. Weakness never got me anywhere.

“Not so important. I’m just a girl, remember? A girl you want to offer up to your prophet. You won’t do anything that might jeopardize my willingness to cooperate. If you have plans for me, you are going to want me on your side, or else I’ll find a way to leave.”

“You won’t go anywhere, this is your future.”

“The Light’s my future?” I shake my head; not willing to believe this walled Refuge is my home.

“I think it is, but you must decide for yourself. We aren’t monsters here, I’m not locking you up, refusing you leave.”

“When I want to go, you’ll let me walk away? You won’t stop me?”

“You must meet the Nobleman before you decide.”

“Why?” I’m not letting him edge me into a corner without an explanation.

“Because he will change everything for you, the Nobleman is the prophecy revealed.”

I focus on his words. I can leave as soon as I do what he asks: meet the prophet.

“Perfection said he arrives in a week.”

“Yes, one week.”

“Then after that, you’ll let me go if I wish?”

“I will, but the Nobleman will change your mind.”

I don’t tell him that I won’t let a man change everything for me for a second time. My Dad did that once, and it was more than enough. I haven’t spent my life dreaming of freedom to surrender it to some prophet.

He stands, not saying anymore, and I don’t say anymore either. I just need to get through this week and then I can use the escape plan he has offered.

The Humbleman leaves and I’m left alone in the Haven once more. For the first time since before I walked down into the pitch-dark hatch, searching for a bag of non-existent rice, I feel like things might just be okay.

chapter nineteen

I'
m not used to a snorer sleeping on the floor next to me, and I toss and turn all night, dreaming I’m back at the compound.

I ride on Lucky’s back and Charlie walks beside to me, holding my hand. I get off the horse and walk to the apple tree, finding it filled with rot and disease. No blossoms or apples remain, only brittle arms. The branches are lowered around the bodies of the dead, covering them. The tree’s limbs coil around Basil and Hana, compressing them, but they can’t see me because they have blindfolds over their eyes.

I shout at Charlie to help them, but he keeps repeating, “Help them yourself, help them yourself.”

I wake in the middle of the night, startled, with sweat on my face. The dream reminds me that my life at the compound was naive. I never thought about the motives of men, about hidden agendas. I had no reason to. I believed the reason Forest would pat my shoulder when I’d ask him how the cowboys outside stayed alive without masks was to protect me, but it wasn’t that at all. He didn’t know, so he pretended he did, feeling superior each time he belittled me.

Dad would look at me when I did something wrong, failing to wash my hands according to protocol or asking for more food to fill my half-empty stomach. He would call me his little pet and shake his head, reprimanding me with shame. I’d feel thoughtless, stupid. Always believing he was in the right; after all I was only a small girl.

Getting out of bed I almost trip over Timid.

“Shoot. Sorry,” I say, as she begins rubbing her eyes.

“Vessel, is that you?”

“Shhh, keep sleeping. I’m going to the bathroom.”

Timid turns back on her side, snoring again within seconds. She’s innocent sleeping here, naïve to the way she is being used. An awful lot like the girl I’ve always been, unaware of the story being played out around me. Except I’m no longer unaware of the story, I’m just unsure of how I fit into it.

Trying to shake off the dream, I walk out of my room towards the bathroom to run cold water over my face. In the shadowy halls I quickly get turned around and lost. I should’ve brought Timid. I find myself in a corridor, and at the end of it long hall there’s a commotion, voices arguing, and I lean behind a corner to stay out of their view, but wanting to hear.

“Let me go. I want to leave. Just let me go!” Basil screams. My heart pounds as I watch her struggle.

“This way. You are going in here until you decide to see The Light.”

I step around the corner, knowing I need to do something to help, but Basil doesn’t see me as she begins kicking the men who try to restrain her. I freeze when I should step out of the shadows and help my friend.

They shove her in a room, and slam the door shut. A set of jingling keys echoes in the empty hallway. There are no more sounds from Basil, and my heart sinks, I should have said something, tried to stop them.

They edge closer to me in the empty marble hallway, and there’s nowhere to hide. I’ll look worse if I’m caught spying and I don’t want to go where Basil went. Acting naïve, like a lost girl looking for her way back home, is my only way out. I stand still, waiting to address them.

“Humblemen.” I bow my head to the men as they approach; realizing one of the men is Resolve, the man Bound to my mother.

“What are you doing here, you foolish Vessel?” a heavy-set man I haven’t seen before asks. “To whom do you belong? It’s a severe punishment to be out in the night like this!” The Humbleman raises his hand towards me, and I step back in shock, barely missing the slap to my face.

“Humbleman, don’t!” Resolve cuts him off.

“Why not? She’s blatantly breaking the rules.” The surprise on his face is replaced with a sinister sneer. “Oh, you want this girl for yourself?” A low laugh escapes his lips. My breath catches at what he implies.

“You misunderstand, Humbleman,” Resolve says. “This is the Vessel who’s been set a part for the Nobleman.”

“You can’t be serious.” He looks me up and down; thick lips puckered with a triple chin resting on his chest. I cross my arms, wanting to hide myself from his gaze, feeling transparent in the thin nightgown I wear. “She’s for the Nobleman?  Looks like any other Vessel, only worse with flaming hair and flat chest.” He mocks me, pointing out the parts of my body he deems less than.

I can’t let it get to me. I just need to pay my penance and get out of here, back to my room, and away from these men.

“Humbleman Resolve, I apologize,” I say, my eyes focused on the grey veins striping the marbled floor. I want to follow the path they create in the smooth surface of the floor, leading me from this nightmare. “I was going to the restroom, and then I got lost in these confusing hallways. I’m sorry. Especially now that I’m part of your, err, family.” I falter in fear.

“Your
family
Resolve?” the Humbleman asks surprised. “So, you’re the child of Vessel Clarity,” he says to me. “I see.  Well, Resolve has a way of keeping his Vessels in line. I’m sure you won’t wander the hall at night again, will you?”

“I won’t leave my room again. I’m so sorry.” I turn to leave, my head pounding with a headache. Resolve stops me by grabbing tight at my shoulder, scowling at me.

“I suppose your test revealed something about you that makes the Council think you’re special, but I know all about Vessels like you.”

I reveal my ignorance by shaking my head in confusion, while my head thumps in pain.

“Resolve, she’s not worth your energy. She’s a foolish Vessel. That’s all. The Nobleman will chose Perfection if he knows what’s good for him. Now you,” he presses his cold fingers against my cheek, sending shivers down my spine, “follow us.”

I don’t know where the men are taking me, but when we end up at the restroom, I breathe out in relief.

“Thank you, Humblemen,” I say, bowing good-bye. “I can find my way to my room from here.”

They grunt in satisfaction then leave me be. Once inside the empty bathroom I splash cool water on my face, hoping it will help the headache go away. I wipe the water off with a rag, staring in the mirror. My skull pounds with too much information and too many answers, but not ones I wanted.

  I rub my temples to help with the throbbing and the faint light appears once again in the center of my hand. Alone, I’m free to hold up my hand and look at the light more closely through the mirror’s reflection. It’s the size of a button, a small flicker in my palm, and impossible to make sense of. I press my hand to my forehead and the pain crumbles away in immediate relief. The aching is gone, and I sigh watching the light disappear once more.

Walking back to my room, I fall into bed, overcome with a sudden exhaustion. Closing my eyes, I’ve never been more thankful for the tranquil twinkling of stars under my eyelids. I sleep to avoid the confusion surrounding me. 

****

Hana comes back to our room the next morning, and she’s changed. Her attitude is less child-like, and more serious. As much as I want to ask her about her experience, Timid won’t leave our side. The last thing I want is to do something to get Hana in trouble again.

Over the next several days, Hana continues to suffer from whatever they did to her. I hear her toss at night, calling for Basil, but no one answers. I put my hand on her shoulders, hoping to still her, and also wanting to still my conscience. My choice to not say anything is what’s keeping Basil locked away, but I’m too scared to help.

I want my freedom, like Humbleman Integrity promised. I don’t want to do or say anything that might jeopardize what I want. Right now, that’s my only goal, as selfish as it sounds. Hana is safe, and Mom is happy, and that has to be enough, I can’t save everyone. Basil must still be in the dark room and I second-guess my choice to take a blind eye. Still, I justify my choice by hoping if I keep quiet, I’ll get a one-way ticket off this Refuge. I’ll deal with Mom later, for now I just need an exit plan.

I walk the hallways with Timid and Hana at my side; our days are quiet, the way I like them. The girls are what I imagine little sisters to be. Our threesome reminds me of Little Women, a story I read and reread, dog-earing my copy at the compound. I used to imagine what it would be like to ice skate like Jo, and wondering if I would have been courageous like Beth. I get a glimpse of what it would have been like to sing songs around the piano with Marmie when Timid teaches us simple rhymes about The Light.

One day as I walk the hall alone after a service in the Haven, I see Humbleman Integrity. My heart tells me I need to ask about Basil, my conscience is getting the best of me; my freedom shouldn’t come at the cost of her safety. I need to be the friend I promised her I’d be on the boat when we came here, and if there is anyone I can do that with, it is he.

“Excuse me, Humbleman?” I call out, trying courage on for size.

“Vessel, I haven’t seen you in a few days, though I notice you sitting in great reflection during the services at the Haven.”

           “I, yes … I love the Haven. It’s my favorite part of the day.” I wasn’t expecting this. I never think of being watched while I am filled with the light. “You watch me?”

“I usually see other young Vessels fidgeting or finding distractions, but I’ve never seen that from you. You’re setting a wonderful example, for such a new Vessel.” He offers me kindness in his words.

“Can I ask you something?”

“What is it?”

“I saw B--” before I can finish my sentence I’m cut off by Humbleman Depend, rushing down the hall towards us.

“Integrity. There you are. We’re having an emergency Council meeting. There’s been another incident. With the girl.”

Basil.

Humbleman Integrity looks at me, as if willing me to stay silent. I look back and forth between the men, Integrity wants my silence, but I made Basil a promise, one I’ve ignored long enough.

“Is it Basil? Is she okay?” I ask Humbleman Depend, regretting my words the moment they leave my mouth. He grabs my arm, with a force I have never felt before, and pushes me towards the hallway wall, my head slamming into the marble causing me to cry out in pain.

“Stay silent, like a good Vessel or you’ll find yourself in the dark just like your friend, understand?” Humbleman Depend releases me and I stare at him in shock.

“Depend, this is not the way.” Integrity bows his head.

“You don’t have the right to tell me how to treat the Vessels. That power has been stripped of you and you know it.”

Integrity flinches and the men walk away, towards the Council room. I find myself running to the bathroom without looking back. I lock myself in a stall, urging the light to appear in my hand to take away the throbbing pain in my arm and the back of my head. It works. The light comes and the pain leaves, but it doesn’t heal the hurt inside.

Integrity wasn’t on my side the way I hoped; in fact he did nothing to protect me from Depend. If he wasn’t able to help protect me from an encounter in the hallway with a fellow Councilmen, I have no reason to think he can help me free Basil, let alone have the ability to set me free. Sitting on the lid of the toilet, I press my hand to my head, muddled on what I’m supposed to do next, knowing the light I hold can’t solve this problem.

If he has an inkling about the ability I hold in my hand, then maybe he doesn’t want anyone to know so he can use the information to his advantage. Councilman Depend doesn’t seem to believe Integrity holds any power. I’m not interested in being the pawn for these men, especially when no one tells me the rules of the game. I’ve just left a life where I lingered a few steps behind the adults around me, I’m done with blindly following.

Over the next few days I try to take my mind off what I can’t do, and instead focus on what I can. Learning more about The Light is the only way I can hope to understand the place in which I’m stuck. Sitting in the back row of classes in the learning center, I try to grasp the teachings of The Light. It’s a mix of obey-thy-father and don’t-speak-unless-spoken-too, combined with the huge peace-giving-power that happens each morning when I sit in the Haven. I can’t reconcile the way the women and children are treated with the way I feel during the services.

      When there, I’m filled with tranquility and lose sense of time and space, I forget all the things I hate about being here. I find myself looking forward to each morning when I can sit in a pew and bask in the light. All the odd rules and regulations forced on me seem okay, or at least understandable, when I’m there. Sitting in a pew, and with light pouring over me, I fly past all the worry and cares of this world. The memories I hold dear, the apple tree blossoms on the compound, or the sunset I saw with Charlie, pale in comparison.

The hours spent in the Haven are the best moments of my life. But the good feelings never last long enough, my euphoria fades as I walk out of the sanctuary and am forced back into my new life as an obedient Vessel.

Continuing with my job in the flower garden each afternoon satisfies the craving to be outside, and though it isn’t the same as deep breaths of fresh air, it’s the closest thing to freedom I can find in the Refuge. No one accompanies me on my daily task, and I learn to navigate the corridor filled with rooms where Vessels work on producing our basic supplies. One day I kneel amid succulents, tearing off stems of aloe, and then gather bouquets of bright yellow and orange calendula, both used to treat burns and injuries.  Another day pictures of lavender and lemon balm are posted on the cork board, and I rub my fingers against the fragrant growth, indulging in scents that will be used in soaps and cleaning supplies.