Flesh: Part Twelve (The Flesh Series Book 12) (5 page)

I've never seen him
look like this before. It's like I'm gazing up at a different man. A
man who gets off to knowing that he's torturing me—a man with
no soul.

The collar gets
tighter, and my need to resist grows to an almost insurmountable
level. I can't breath. This is not pleasurable. And inside my head,
I'm starting to question what I was thinking only seconds before,
that Lucian would never hurt me. He is hurting me. He's hurting me,
and he's getting off to it.

The word 'stop' is
at the edge of my tongue, threatening to slip off. 'Red. Red. Red.
Red.' I'm screaming it inside my head, but I'm not even sure if I
could choke it out at this point.

It's too much. The
pain. The panic. The terror. I have to say it. I can't take this any
longer. He's going to kill me.

I open my mouth,
pushing out a strained breath. Before the first letter can leave my
lips though, Lucian releases me.

I fall away from him
choking, my hand clutching at my throat. I suck in huge gulps of air,
filling my lungs, feeling the blood rushing back through my neck. The
world flashes white around me, and I have to brace myself with my
hand to keep from passing out. It's my first taste of Lucian
Reddick's worst, and I don't think I want another.

CHAPTER FOUR

“
You
look so good in red.” There's a sick twinge of amusement in
Lucian's tone that makes me tremble with fear.

Who
is this man, and what has he done with the guy that I love?

I
look up at Lucian, and all I see is a monster. I'm alright though. He
didn't kill me. It felt like he was going to, but he didn't. He
wouldn't. I know this game. Even if I've already decided that I hate
it, I know it. He's going to push me until I think I'm dying, and
then he's going to give me a taste of life. I have him figured out.
At least, I think I do.

I
can't give up now. This is what I came into this room for. I have to
show him that I can do this. But even if I can do this, will I be
able to force myself to do it on the regular?

It's
a complete mindfuck to know that this is what he needs. To know that
if I give it to him, I will never be myself again. It will change me
completely. Damage me. I can't pretend that it wouldn't. And it's
even more disheartening to realize that there are some women out
there who love this. Who live for this. Those are the girls of Flesh.
The ones he doesn't want to give up. Would it be so bad if I passed
this burden off to them?

That's
not what I want though, and I know it. I want him to belong to me
entirely, and this is the only way. I have to make it through this. I
have to mentally temper myself somehow, to find that subspace where
this can be acceptable to me, even if I don't enjoy it. It's the only
way that Lucian and I will ever be completely committed to one
another.

I
take a few minutes to catch my breath before pulling myself up off of
the floor and resuming my kneeling stance in front of him. When I
gaze up at him again, my expression is challenging.

Is that all
you've got?
If
this is your worst, then I can handle it. I will handle it.

If he's impressed, I
can't tell. The look in his eyes is pure evil. He's gazing down at me
as if I'm something to be destroyed and discarded. It's unsettling,
but I refuse to show him my fear.

He
reaches down to touch my cheek again, and I reflexively wince away,
they I quickly regain my composure, letting him touch me. He's so
gentle, but the mood isn't the same as before. I don't want to lean
into him. I don't want to be soothed by his touch. I want to lash out
at him or bite him, but I know I can't. That's not part of this game.

“
You
look frightened,” he comments.

“
I'm
fine,” my voice is stern.

“
Are
you?” He hooks his finger around my collar again, and panic
races through me.

Oh shit, he's
going to choke me again. I don't know if I can handle it. I can't.
What if he does it too hard this time?

He begins to pull on
the collar, and I feel my blood pressure rise by about ten degrees
from the first tug. “Get up.”

I quickly stand,
alleviating the pressure on my neck. He doesn't let go of the collar,
he merely uses it to guide me to my feet.

When I'm standing,
he reaches up and grabs a handful of one of my breasts. The sensation
of his palm brushing over my nipple instantly makes it perk, and I
feel the betrayal of desire pass through me. Silently, I chastise my
body. I should not be enjoying his touch at this point, not after
what he just did. Not with horrors looming on the horizon.

His tender touch is
trickery. It will turn to pain in a heartbeat. I already know this,
and I do my best to mentally prepare myself for it.

He slides another
finger beneath my collar and balls his hand into a fist, causing that
familiar strangling sensation. It's not as intense as before though,
not as restrictive. I can still suck in small breaths.

I gasp as he jerks
me forward, my mouth crashing against his. He kisses me roughly, his
tongue taking advantage of my parted lips. At the same time, his
fingers curl into the soft flesh of my breast, sending a bite of pain
racing through my chest. For all of his harshness though, I find it
all oddly pleasurable.

Weakly, I kiss him
back, my mouth moving with his when I'm not fighting to breath. The
burning pain in my chest sends heat straight to my core. Lucian moans
softly as he sucks on my tongue and then my bottom lip, his warm
breath playing across my skin. I stare up at the ceiling, and I feel
like I'm falling somewhere between pleasure and pain that I can
actually appreciate.

My nipple slips
between his fingers, and he pinches and tweaks it, which makes me
shudder from the tiny contractions it causes between my legs. I feel
almost drunk from the loss of air and the firm touch of his lips and
the pleasant sensation of having my nipple played with.

Then he pulls away
from me again, withdrawing entirely. His mouth. His hands.

The pressure on my
neck goes away. Air rushes into my lungs. And I feel dumbstruck,
staring at him, watching him assess my reaction.

“
I think it's
time we move on,” he says as if he's displeased, and I wonder
if I did something wrong. Perhaps I shouldn't be enjoying this.

A small cry falls
from my lips as he grabs the back of my collar and roughly guides me
to a bondage tower on a pedestal. He forces me to step up onto it and
presses my breasts roughly against the padding. The cold surface
makes my nipples bead and sends a shiver down my spine.

“
Wrap your
arms around it,” Lucian instructs me.

When I do what I'm
told, he goes to work binding my hands.

At first, I worry
about leaning forward, that my weight might tip the tower over, but
as soon as I realize how sturdy it is, I relax against it. The
padding is stupidly comfortable, and if I didn't know that I was
about to be tortured, I could probably fall asleep just like this.

Once Lucian has
secured my hands, he walks back around to make sure that my legs are
sufficiently spread.

“
Do not move
and do not look back at me. If you look back, I'll make you regret
it.” There's a very clear threat in his tone, one that demands
obedience.

I have no desire to
act against his wishes. After the choking, I'm very sure that he
would live up to his word of making me regret it if I did disobey
him. Besides, I'm honestly too comfortable to move.

I stand there with
my ear pressed against one of the wood beams composing the tower,
listening to Lucian move somewhere behind me. There's a brief
jingling sound, so I can only assume he's taking something down from
one of the racks. The thought that I'm about to be wiped or flogged
or something of that nature for the first time is kind of exciting.
After this, I'll be able to honestly say that I've done some pretty
kinky stuff.

It feels like a
short forever before Lucian finally returns to me. The first thing I
feel is a cold, rough material tracing up the inside of my leg from
my ankle to my inner thigh. I hold my breath as it gets higher and
higher, my body tensing while he makes a slow ascent towards my
pussy.

I bite my bottom lip
as the object whispers over my folds. It feels surprisingly good,
even though the material is rough. Probably thick leather. Just the
tiny bit of contact makes my loins ache with need.

“
Do you like
that?” he asks.

“
Mhm.” I
nod slightly, closing my eyes and soaking in the sensation.

“
Well, enjoy
it, because I'm about to do something that you definitely won't
like,” his voice darkens, causing a twinge of fear to race
through me that completely erases the pleasure I was feeling.

My breathing is
becoming labored with anticipation. Internally, I tell myself not to
worry. It can't possibly be that intense. But then I think about the
choking, the panic I felt when I thought I might pass out or that he
might break my neck. Suddenly, the bondage tower has become a lot
less comfortable.

Lucian finishes
tracing the outline of my legs. When he's done, he steps onto the
platform with me. I feel his fingers weave into my ponytail, and he
jerks my head back so far that my neck aches from it. I cry out in a
mix of shock and pain, wincing from the strain.

His face is mere
centimeters from mine, his hot breath bouncing off of the tower and
wafting across my face. “I'm going to show you pain the likes
of which you never thought you could feel.”

And just like that,
he's gone again.

I pant loudly,
pressing my cheek against the tower. The foreboding in his words has
sent my fear to a whole new level. It's mental manipulation at its
finest. Even though I know what he's doing, I can't fight the effects
of it. I'm absolutely terrified, and he hasn't even touched me yet.

I try to prepare
myself for what's coming, repeating in my mind the mantra
mind
over matter. Mind over matter. You can do this. Your mind controls
your pain threshold.

WHAP!

The entire world
goes red around me. A shrill, high-pitched scream echoes in my ears,
and it takes me several seconds to realize that it's my own voice
bouncing off of the walls. Tears burn my eyes, but they can't even
compare to what I feel in my back. Pain the likes of which I never
imagined could exist. It's like a three hundred pound man took
sandpaper, put all of his weight on my back, and pulled it across
between us. There's extreme warmth followed by a coolness which I can
only imagine is blood. My legs give out beneath me as my body goes
into complete shock.

Before I even know
what's going on, my bonds are being unfastened. I find myself on the
floor in Lucian's arms. He cradles me, holding me against his chest
while I shiver and shake.

“
Oh
God, Amy. I'm so sorry. Fuck. I'll never do that again. Please
forgive me. Please.” He kisses me on top of the head, his arms
wrapped so tightly around me that I'm practically smothered.

I need this though.
I need to be held after something so traumatic.

I press my face
against the front of his suit and sob out all of my pain.
Uncontrollable, unrestrained sobbing that seems to radiate from the
very depths of my body. It's not just because I'm in massive amounts
of pain. That's already beginning to die down. It's also because I
know now that he was right. I can't do this. I can't give him what he
needs. I'm not enough. I have to let him go. I have to let him keep
working at Flesh.

CHAPTER FIVE

We stay on the floor
for at least fifteen minutes. No words are spoken between us. He
simply coddles me until the shaking subsides. And afterward, he rocks
me in his arms until the crying dies down.

I cling to him with
the desperation of a child, selfishly not wanting to let him go.
There's a part of me that's pleased that he was able to switch off
his sadistic side as soon as he realized that I was in severe
pain—that I couldn't take anymore. Now, he's back to being the
man that I want to be with. Not that monster that was standing behind
me several minutes earlier.