Flawed (13 page)

Stunned, I blink at him. There isn’t any heat in his eyes and I’m not feeling any of the weird tension coming off him at all like the last time. Instead, I feel…calm. Soothed. I’m not sure what to make of that and he doesn’t give me the chance to decide. After picking up the stuffed heart without so much as a sneer, he hands it to me and leads the way out of the not-so-funhouse.

We pass Sam on our way to the gate. Just before James and I are lost to the crowd, Sam pushes away from the booth he’s leaning against, catches my eye, and gives me another look so full of
want,
I feel it dance across my skin.

When he sees my hand in James’s, the
want
shifts abruptly to determination. James complains when I pick up the pace and haul him toward the exit. I ignore him because I know exactly what Sam’s determined to do, and there’s no way I’m letting him ruin everything.

Twenty-eight

By the next day, James is acting like a totally different person. Maybe it’s because he slept like the dead last night, his scraggly blue blanket tucked under his chin and one of his arms thrown over his head. Too bad I hadn’t been as lucky. Most of my night was spent staring at the shadows perched on the top shelf of our closet, wondering which one hid the gun.

Two weeks ago, if someone had told me I’d feel safer in the forest with a bunch of people from school than in my bedroom, I would’ve rolled my eyes and walked away.

Funny how fast things change.

I spend the two-hour drive to Mack Lake tired and thinking about things I’ve tried very hard not to think about. Like the fact that it’s been eight days since Sam and I had sex.

The first and
only
time we had it.

After an hour of listening to my brother’s off-key singing, I come to a horrible conclusion. What if Sam’s not interested because the first time was so awful, he doesn’t want to repeat it? Sam’s probably been with lots of girls already. Girls with more experience than me, probably. What if I did it wrong?

A few minutes later, I’m slammed by an even worse thought. We’ve kissed and touched plenty since that afternoon, but Sam’s always been careful to keep my clothes in place.

What if h
e was gros
sed out by my scars?

My brain churns through the possibilities, each more disastrous than the last, until I think I’ll be sick. Not that my brother notices. As soon as the ignition is cut and the emergency brake is set, James hops out of the truck, strips off his t-shirt, and barrels toward the lake where Alex and some of their friends are doing crazy dives off a floating log. The yellowed bruise on his stomach is nothing compared to the softball-sized ones that mar his back; angry, purple splotches that glare at me from the base of his neck to beneath his left shoulder blade.

Razor blades of panic slice my skin. I have
no
idea where those came from or what I could’ve done to piss our father off enough to beat him up.

Where was I when this happened?

Before I can stagger over to the nearest bush and throw up, Sam saunters over in a pair of low-slung shorts and flip-flops, temporarily blanking out my fears.

“That’s a pretty small tent,” he says, frowning at the two-person tent James picked up from Goodwill that morning. “You know, me and Alex are sharing his family’s twelve-man tent. You guys should bunk with us.”

I grab the extra sleeping bag I brought for Melinda and set it on the picnic table. It takes everything I have to force words out when he follows me back to the truck, hovering close enough to touch. “There’s no way James will agree to that and you know it.”

He leans closer. “Leave that part to me.”

He’s going to kiss me. Right here in front of James and all their friends. Try as I might, I can’t make my body move away to prevent this catastrophe. My eyes flutter closed like they did that first night and I hold my breath.

Sam’s bare chest presses against me, but his lips never find mine. From the back of the truck, he lifts out James’s duffel and our two sleeping bags. “Mmm,” he murmurs in my ear before pulling away. “Hold that thought.”

Stumbling through the pine needles with the plastic sack of hamburger and hotdog buns dangling from my wrist, I follow him across the main campsite, through a sparse row of pine trees, and into another clearing which houses an enormous blue and gray tent. He gestures me into the empty interior and dumps James’s bag onto the floor.

We’re alone—very much so. The sound of Sam quietly zipping the tent shut is drowned out by the splashing, shouting, and hoots of Alex’s laughter coming from the lake. The bag of food is on the floor and I’m in Sam’s arms before I can think twice about what we’re doing. The thrill of knowing how dangerous this is tingles across my skin as we kiss deeper and deeper, more desperate by the second.

“I missed you,” he groans.

“I missed you, too.”

Only one thing will give us what we both need, and I don’t care that he’s been resistant, or that now is neither the time nor the place for my brother to catch us together. I unbutton his shorts and try to drag him down onto the dusty tent floor. He doesn’t try to stop me.

“Oh, God,” he groans when I touch him. “I want this so bad, but not here. Later. I promise.”

My mouth drops open. Before I can ask if he means it, someone tromps up to the tent and unzips the door. I drop to my knees and pretend to be looking for something.

“You seen my goggles anywhere?” Alex asks, scanning the floor until he spots me fumbling with James’s duffel bag. “Oh, hey Sarah. You sleeping in here?”

I glance up at Sam, who has his back turned to Alex. The zipper on his shorts appears to be stuck, but his shoulders are shaking with barely contained laughter despite what will happen if Alex puts two and two together. Turning away from him, I give Alex my brightest smile. “Is that okay? The tent James bought is tiny, and Sam said you guys had plenty of room.”

“I’m fine with that,” Alex says with a sly grin. “You’ve gotta share a sleeping bag with me, though. It’s only fair.”

Zipper unstuck and zipped, Sam grabs something from the floor and chucks it at Alex, who ducks. The goggles sail past his head and land in the dirt several yards away.

“Good luck convincing James,” Sam snaps. “He’ll be sleeping in here, too, asshole.”

Alex narrows his gaze on Sam, then shifts it to me. I don’t like the conclusions I see forming in his bright green eyes. Not at all. Especially not when those conclusions solidify and he gives us a shrewd grin. “So… whatcha doing in the tent by yourselves, anyway?”

“Bugs,” Sam says matter-of-factly. “I told Sarah I had mosquito repellent in my bag.”

I shudder for good measure and nod. “Mosquitoes freak me out.”

“Riiight.” Alex shakes his head, then gives my body a thorough once over. “You’re going to have a hell of a time camping, if that’s the case. And I don’t think it is.”

As soon as he’s gone, I stagger to my feet, grabbing onto Sam’s shoulders for support. If Alex figures it out, we’re as good as dead. He’d never purposely hurt me or Sam or James—I’m sure of it—but no one in Granite Falls has a bigger mouth than Alex Anderson.

“He’ll tell James,” I gasp.

“Alex doesn’t know anything,” Sam says, and kisses me on the forehead. “He just wants you to
think
he knows something.”

Except, I know what I saw in Alex’s eyes.

On edge, my hopes for the weekend officially ruined, I follow Sam down to the shore and sit in the shade. Mack Lake, ten acres of sparkling, blue water ringed by tall pines and fir trees, stretches out in front of us. There aren’t any families here today, just a group of giggling, bikini-clad sophomores watching the guys dive off two floating logs in the center of the lake. I’m not surprised. The Logan High kids claimed Mack Lake as the school’s summer hangout years ago, scaring away any normal campers with their loud parties. I’ve heard so many stories about this place. To be here in person feels… surreal.

“You shouldn’t miss out because of me,” I tell Sam. “Go swim. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m good,” he says.

He’s lying, but I doubt he’ll admit it. I’ve heard enough about Sam’s back-flip diving prowess over the years to know he’d much rather be out there than sitting on the shore with a girlfriend too scarred to wear a swimsuit. I see the way he scrutinizes everyone’s jump.

“Sam…please?”

He examines the soft, reddish-brown silt and prickly pine needles at our feet as if they’re the most interesting things he’s ever seen. “Is it so hard to believe I want to spend time with you?”

No, but James keeps glancing in our direction, a concerned look on his face. Sighing, I grind the heel of my flip flop into the dirt. There’s only one way to win this battle of wills. “I want to spend time with you, too, but if you don’t get out there right now, we’re breaking up.”

His head snaps in my direction. “Don’t even joke about that.”

My smile doesn’t help the stern impression I’m trying to make, but I try anyway. “I’m not.” I nod toward the water and my brother, who quickly turns away when he sees me looking at him. “James doesn’t look like he wants us sitting together, and he
will
break us up.”

“Like hell he will.” Sam shields his eyes from the glaring sun, barely disguising the glare he gives the back of my brother’s head. “If you don’t tell him soon, I’m going to. Fair warning.”

He kicks off his flip flops and stomps toward the water, looking more like a predator stalking its prey than a guy on his way to having fun with his friends. Only after he wades into the lake and swims out to the logs do I let myself breathe again. I need a plan. One that’ll sway him back to my way of thinking—secrecy—before he, or Alex, ruin everything.

For someone who’s mad at my brother, Sam does a great job of pretending everything’s fine. From his perch atop the longest log, he laughs at Alex and James pummeling the hell out of each other in the water.

And then he stands up to jump, looking like a tan, athletic god.

My heart trips all over itself. The sophomores are ogling him too. Before I can march out there and slap the scheming, boyfriend-stealing looks off their faces, Sam jumps headlong into the melee and lands on top of James and Alex. They welcome him with fists to the gut. Unfazed, he dunks them both.

I settle back onto my elbows, mindful of the trail of prehistoric-sized ants marching past less than a foot away, and try to get comfortable. It’s only noon and already way too hot for my jeans and long-sleeved t-shirt. If there’d been a breeze, the eighty-five degree weather might be tolerable, but the thick trees surrounding the campsite block out whatever relief the mountains might’ve had planned.

Melinda waves to me from the log, her small body drowning in one of Jesse’s t-shirts and a pair of shorts. Hmm…maybe I
could
jump in with my clothes on.

James’s laughter pierces the already noisy air and draws my gaze. The sophomore girls must’ve waded close enough to catch our group’s attention, because two of them are riding around on the guys’ shoulders. Alex dives off the log and pops up between the legs of another, who shrieks and clings to his neck. Once Melinda hops onto Jesse’s shoulders, and everyone but Sam and James grab their own sophomore playthings, it doesn’t take long for a Mack Lake wrestling match to break out.

Watching James splash around, officiating the match without a girl on his shoulders, makes me sadder than I expect. It’s not for lack of partners. There are three girls sitting on the log to choose from, but James has turned down all three. Sam did, too, but he has a reason to keep his distance. Me.

My brother can’t say the same thing.

The match turns pornographic when the girl on Alex’s shoulders is pushed by one of her friends, somehow dislodging her bikini top before sending her face first into the water. Alex falls with her and resurfaces with her bikini in his hands, whirling it around his head like a lasso and whooping triumphantly.

If the only thing keeping my chest covered was in Alex Anderson’s hands, I would scream and swim for shore. Not this girl. She throws her arms around his neck, presses her bare chest to his, and
giggles
.

I can’t tell who’s more shocked—me or Alex.

His surprise doesn’t last long. Sinking just low enough to keep what he’s doing with his hands hidden, Alex eagerly kisses her. The other guys jeer and whistle, but the girl’s friends flash each other knowing grins.

Oh, yeah. That was planned.

Disgusting.

Hating that I’m jealous Sam and I aren’t doing the same thing, I get up, brush the dirt and pine needles off my jeans, and trudge back up to the main campsite. If I can’t kiss my boyfriend or swim with my brother, I might as well make everyone lunch.

I spot the old cooler with
Morgan
printed across the top in fading black letters and head in that direction. Inside, half a dozen expired hotdog packages and two bags of premade hamburger patties sit nestled in ice.

A cold hand covers mine on the lid.

“I want you to swim with us,” my brother says gently. “It’s hot out, and I hate knowing you’re up here by yourself in all those clothes.”

I give him the most even smile I can manage before focusing on my lunch plans again. “I’m fine, really. Lunch will be ready in fifteen minutes if I can figure out how to start that camp stove. Do you know if anyone brought any beans?”

He steps closer and grasps my chin gently, forcing me to look him in the eye. Water droplets trickle from his hair into his face, but the sadness swirling in his usually-sparkling blue irises is like a jab to the gut. “The only thing I want is to make you happy. You know that, right? Everything I do is because I love you.”

Heat rises in my cheeks, pooling under his thumb and forefinger cradling my jaw. Terrified this conversation is going to lead to him trying to kiss me, I nod and pull away.

The sadness in his eyes abruptly fades to mischief. “Good,” he says. “So you’re not going to hate me for this.”

Before I can get away, James tosses me over his shoulder and takes off at a dead run for the lake, ignoring my flailing legs and arms.

“James!” I shriek. “Put me down!”

He laughs. “Not a chance. You ruined my weekend, so now I’m ruining yours.”

I try to kick away his hand, but he still manages to pry my flip-flops from my feet and chuck them into the trees. With his uneven footfalls jostling me around, I can’t get my bearings.

Landmarks. I need landmarks.

Pine needles and dirt, pine trees that all look alike from upside down, generic boulders…

I
’
ll never find my flip-flops in this forest.

The splashing and cheers are getting louder. Somewhere in the chaos, I hear Sam bark out an order that my brother ignores.

And then I’m airborne.