Fish Out of Water (29 page)

In, out. In, out.

Drip, drip.

“Is that true?” He was asking with his mouth but watching with those wild midnight eyes. “Is it true that you don’t trust me?”

I tried to make light. “Don’t take it personally,” I offered, going for a giggle but sounding kind of emphysemic instead. “I don’t trust anyone.”

“That’s not true,” he countered, moving even closer so I could almost touch him. “You trust Lecanora. You trust your mother. You even trust that dolphin.”

“Yeah, well, we have some history there. You and I, we have…”

“The future.”

I looked at him quickly, but he didn’t look worried or embarrassed. My mouth swung open. “Hang on now,” I started. “Where I come from one kiss doesn’t mean—”

“Rania,” he cut me off. “I grow tired of this nonsense. Let us finish it. Is it Tila?”

I considered lying, denying I even cared, but I didn’t. I wanted to know. I wanted to understand. So I just swallowed and nodded.

He sighed, and brought one warm hand up to cup my chin, stroking the side of it with one long finger. “Sit,” he instructed me, motioning to the sofa. I did as he told me to, powerless before the purple-black intensity of his stare.

He started softly, staring off into space. I could see him measuring his words. “Tila is my sister,” he said. “Well, half-sister really. Her mother, my… wife… is a young woman I knew, a girl really. She’s very beautiful and was very pure. Leisen. Her name is Leisen.”

My face flushed at the sick jealousy that consumed me as he spoke.

“My father raped her.”

The gasp escaped before I can stop it. “How do you know?”

“I know him,” Carragheen said. “I’ve had a life-time of knowing him, his arrogance and cruelty. He was her priest. She was… is… a very pious woman. She was searching for something. My father took advantage of that. And then she became pregnant.”

“But what did she say? Did she say Tila was his?”

“Yes, of course,” Carragheen’s face was creased and distant, sharp folds biting into the boyness of him. He was gripping the edge of the sofa and concentrating on the tale, telling it in sharp, staccato sentences, as though the words themselves were brutal. “She told me they had been lovers. Eventually. One of her friends called to see me. Leisen wasn’t coping during her carrying time. She was sad, and sick. The friend told me that the baby was Kraken’s, but that he’d denied any ownership of it. I tried to help. Sometimes Leisen would become… sick? Very sad. I would stay over, stay with her. That’s when I heard her nightmares, and I knew then that my father had hurt her.”

“What did you do?” My stomach rolled and churned as I thought about what had happened to the girl. I’d seen it so many times, and yet it still made me quiver inside.

“I went to him. I told him what I knew. He denied it, of course.”

“What did you do?”

Carragheen paused, and I watched one fist flexing unconsciously in his lap. “I hurt him.”

“Ah.” A brawl? Down there?

He saw the question in my eyes. “I can fight,” he said. “And I’m not afraid to.”

I imagined the scene. The horror of it.

“And you know what else?” he was asking me, but his eyes were distant, looking up at the ceiling.

I shook my head.

“It felt really good.” Each word was enunciated slowly, precisely, like he was still savoring the memory. “But they intervened. They protected him. The temple guards.”

Damn.

“He told me that if I told anyone what I had said to him, he would denounce the girl, and the baby.” He smiled wryly, those dark eyes firing. “And then, of course, she would be lost.”

I nodded, understanding. Denouncement is a form of excommunication. It doesn’t happen often but when it does, it cuts the victim off from other Aegirans. For creatures of community, the effect is worse than death. But Carragheen had more to tell.

“You know how it is there. Children cannot be fatherless. And Leisen was afraid of my father.” The question hung between us, although the answer seemed clear to me now. He looked right into me, purple eyes direct. “Marriage was the only way to protect her, and the baby. And then… my sister came, and I loved her so much.” The angry angles of his face softened at the mention of Tila, and my throat constricted as I watched him.

“But why did you send Leisen away?”

Carragheen’s lush mouth tightened into a sharp line. “I did no such thing.”

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“We’ve never lived together. Even if I felt that way about her, which I don’t, Leisen has no interest in men, in love. She never has. And now, even less so. She spends her days in prayer, trying to get closer to the Mother.” He paused. “She’s been getting worse, Leisen. She loves Tila, very much, but she’s not able to look after her all the time. Leisen knows she’s not well, and she asks me to take Tila, for a while, and I do. And then she wants her back, but I try to wait until she’s better. It’s very hard on Tila. My sister. I look in her eyes and I see so much of me.”

It was an incredible story, and yet I could read his disillusion with his father in the defeated lines of his body as he told the tale. I went to him, and put my hand on his arm. Then I remembered, and yanked it back. He started as though I’d slapped him, and looked hard at me, his indigo eyes boring into my brown ones. “There’s something else that’s troubling you.”

Oh yeah, baby. I was thinking about “the second one”. What could he possibly tell me to explain that away? Carragheen shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his head facing downward into his palms, and I wondered if he was going to deny, or obfuscate. Then he looked up at me again. “Yes, there is something else to tell you,” he started. “Rania, this is going to be hard for you to believe, to understand.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting.

“I’ve been… seeing things.”

My eyes snapped open and everything in me sang out loud. I don’t know what I thought he was going to say, but not that. I couldn’t have been happier if he’d said: Let’s forget all this Aegira crap and go get some Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s.

He had visions too. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t alone.

Carragheen looked perplexed by my reaction, clearly not what he had been expecting.

He went on. “Visions, really. They started a little while ago. First as dreams, then sometimes waking. And I’ve seen Imogen, in the visions. After the girls told me about her, I started to see her. And…” He looked over at me quickly then looked away. “And I don’t think she’s alone. I saw another girl. I couldn’t see who it was. I didn’t mention it to you, I wasn’t sure how I’d explain it. You see, I’m still not really sure what this thing is.”

I was looking at him, understanding exactly what it was he was feeling, but I could tell he was still worried at my reaction, because he went on quickly. “I am quite certain that I am not crazy. But you wanted facts. And the… second one… it’s no kind of fact.”

“Have you told anyone? About the visions?”

“Cleedaline,” Carragheen responded straight away. “I had to tell someone.”

I watched him carefully. All the pieces fit together. What he was saying and how it felt as it settled in my brain and my heart. It felt like he was telling the truth. And it fit with Cleedaline’s words, in her little note, hidden in the cookie jar. But I couldn’t tell him. For some
reason I couldn’t say
me too
. Even though I wanted to. Why was I holding back? I tried to watch my thoughts, like my Mom taught me. Firstly, because I still wasn’t sure. One thought kept getting in the way. Why is Mom afraid of this, of me with him? Secondly, because it wasn’t right. Not with Doug, sick and broken in the hospital, and me responsible for everything.

As I sat and listened, and thought, the air thickened until I felt like I was breathing molasses. There was so much between us it was hard to believe it couldn’t be seen with the naked eye. I was remembering the kiss, back in Aegira, and my body burned for a reprise.

He moved a hand behind my head, patting my head and teasing soft circles in the baby hairs that lace the back of my neck. He blinked slowly, and I watched, hypnotized by the course of red-gold lashes and the steady certainty of his stare. Carragheen was still a wolf, circling deliberately, moving closer, lulling me for the strike. Even though my logic was warning me off, I was the most willing chicken in the henhouse. And if he didn’t hurry up and cut to the chase I was gonna scream with frustration.

He stopped speaking and there was only a heartbeat pause before he used the weight of the hand at the back of my neck to pull my face towards his.

I kissed him back with everything I had, and it was as though some reckless part of me wanted to brand him as mine. My body and soul were acting independently of my brain, which had conveniently taken a back seat.

I thought about Ran’s words about her lover: I had always known him.

I felt Carragheen hesitate, pull back, and I realized he wanted to tell me something.

With the last ounce of my strength and instinct for self-preservation, I used the tiny break in the action to give my brain, which was feverish with desire, a swift slap.

As much as I wanted to, I could not sleep with him, not when he was married, even if the marriage wasn’t conventional. Not when I didn’t understand Mom’s doubts. And not with Doug to think about. This was not my Mom’s assistant. This was something else altogether. And, mostly, because I didn’t know. I didn’t know if he was The One. I couldn’t afford mistakes. I only had two weeks to go.

But he was looking at me with those eyes I couldn’t say no to.

It’s the last refuge of a coward, but I squeaked that I needed the ladies and scurried away.

It was only when I was standing, confused and panting against the locked bathroom door, like that little cartoon cat escaping from the amorous skunk, that I saw it and remembered. I’d forgotten about the hurry I’d been in to open it when I came bursting in to find him on my sofa. I retrieved the bag from where I’d stashed it, on a shelf above the sink.

But I’d moved from the cocky certainty of an hour ago. I still wanted to open it, but I wasn’t angry anymore. I was afraid, and perversely glad Carragheen was outside the door.

I snapped open the clasp and two tiny shells fell out onto my palm. I’d never seen that type of shell before. They were like perfect little ears, and as small as a penny. I turned them over in my palm, and made a quick decision.

When I showed Carragheen, a delicate crease appeared between two perfect sculpted eyebrows. “Lovers ears,” he said softly, expelling his breath in a little whoosh. “Who do these belong to?”

“They were my mother’s.” That look again, inscrutable. What did he know?

“Do you know if your mother had a lover? Back in Aegira? Before she left?”

“I think so,” I nodded. “What are they?”

He explained. “They’re an ancient thing. I’ve only ever seen scratchings of them. Lots of people think they’re just myth. Dolphin magic. Lovers slipped them into their ears, one each, you see, and you then could find the other, always. No matter where they were.”

“Huh,” I sighed, thinking. So these belonged to Mom and… who? Someone else. Someone she loved enough to need to be able to find him, always. My mind was alight with questions. “What’s their range?”

Carragheen laughed darkly as I asked the question. “They aren’t weapons, Rania.”

“You know what I mean,” I insisted. “Like, could they find someone in Aegira, if you were on the land?” I was thinking about Mom, watch-keeping. Was that why she got them? Did her lover stay back in Aegira? Had the lover’s ears been their link to each other?

“Like I said,” Carragheen continued, the little frown still in place, searching his memories. “I don’t know much. They were supposed to be charmed by the dolphins. And lovers would use them, lovers who believed they were to be together forever. The charm would last as long as they lived, and die with them.”

“So I could use it to find someone, anywhere?” I was thinking about Lecanora, hoping she was okay, and slipped the smaller of the two little shells into the crook of my ear.

“No,” he said, thinking. “I don’t think so. I think they were individual to the user. You would need your own set of shells.”

But I was barely registering what he was saying. Because as I slipped the shell into my ear, I became lost in a purple mist. It was kind of a vision, but different. More like… a dream. The mist was swirling and shifting, and I held on to Carragheen’s arm for anchor. I felt dizzy and achey, and then the mist cleared and I saw him as clearly as if he was standing in the room.

Kraken. In the Eye of the Goddess, floating in prayer before the golden statue of Aegir.

I recoiled in shock, snatching the thing from my ear and hurling it across the room.

“Holy shit,” I swore, scowling into Carragheen’s face. Wondering if he knew.

“Mom’s lover, it was… your Dad.”

I could hear the low scratch of Carragheen’s voice vibrating in my ear, but I couldn’t seem to make the sounds separate into words and ideas. And I couldn’t see him, because my eyes were fixed on the shag rug somewhere near my feet. Each fat creamy thread seemed separate and distinct, like I was looking at the rug through a microscope. And each one seemed to be raising its head with agonizing slowness and looking at me, mocking me. I could feel the sweat breaking out on my top lip, hot and prickly, and I brought one nail up to brush it away, watching the path of my finger like it belonged to someone else.

Somewhere, somehow, that tap was still dripping.

I looked down at my finger, at the drop of sweat on it, trying to recognize what I was looking at. It was a perfect, miniature crystal ball, rolling gently down the sand dune of the soft pad of my finger, light refracting in its curves.

Mom. Kraken. Kraken and Mom.

Carragheen reached out a hand and touched mine. At the swift jolt from his warm skin, the droplet of sweat skittered off my index finger, and seemed to fall in slow motion to the floor and then smash against the rug. As it did, time resumed its normal speed.

I had to go talk to Mom.

It must have been so bad. I’d always known there was something, some man, at the heart of all of Mom’s secrets, but I also knew it had to be more than that. Mom’s no shrinking
violet. She’s strong, and wise. It would take more than a love affair gone wrong to get her so spooked.