Fire with Fire (Crash and Burn, Book 3) (A Military Romance) (6 page)

I
scrub
the morning sleep from my eyes as I stretch in bed, staring at the ceiling. I’m so fucking tired. After I left James’s birthday party yesterday afternoon, I came back to Dad’s place and looked online for apartments, then browsed local colleges. It’s time for me to get out, build my own life, learn how to pick up the pieces and move on without Lauren. Because right now, I can’t even be friends with her. I can’t be around her without wanting more, wanting to kiss her senseless until she wakes up and realizes I would love her better than anyone else.

It’s been hard as fuck lying in my bed each night, remembering how she felt in my arms, the way her body curled against me. Yeah, I need a change in a bad way. I have to stop loving Lauren, for my own sanity, and I don’t fucking know now. Not yet.

Downstairs, I hear my dad banging pots and pans. Must be cooking breakfast. Since his return home a couple of weeks ago, things have been getting better between us. Less stilted. We’ve talked some, and he told me he’s ready to make changes too. He even mentioned offhand that he’s thinking about selling the house, and I told him it was a good idea. I now truly understand the need for a fresh start, better than I ever realized I would.

I should go down and give him a hand, tell him I’m looking to move out soon. It takes me a couple of minutes to muster the strength to get out of bed. I’m not just tired, I’m exhausted. Bone-weary.

I came back to Boston hoping to win Lauren’s heart. Believing if I just put it all out there and showed her without fear that I want her, she’d see how great we could be together. Instead, it all got fucked up between us, and I had to walk away from her, though it cost me everything to do so. My head throbs at my temples, and I sit up and sigh. Shove the blanket down, then get out of bed.
Up and at ‘em,
I tell myself.

I toss on a pair of jeans over my boxers, run my fingers through my hair, then pad down the stairs. Stop when I reach the bottom and realize it isn’t Dad in the kitchen.

It looks like the entire place is covered in flour, dirty pans scattered across the countertops. Lauren’s bent over to open the oven door, her luscious ass clad in tight jeans and on display for me, and I hear her give a soft, disappointed groan to herself. She hasn’t noticed me here yet.

“Shit,” she says, pulling a cake pan out of the oven. She shakes her head and rests the pan on the top of the stove, then rips off the oven glove. Flicks the temperature off and sighs in disgust.

“What are you doing here?” I ask her quietly. It’s Monday morning. Why isn’t she at work? Who let her in? What the fuck is she up to?

Lauren spins around, clutching her chest. “Oh my God, you scared me.” Her cheeks are flushed, flour dusting her brow, her T-shirt. She glances down at her breasts, sees the powder coating them, then swipes her fingers across it in rapid flicks, giving an awkward laugh. “You’re up earlier than I thought you would be. Hope I didn’t wake you. I was trying to be quiet.”

“What are you doing here?” I repeat. I don’t move from my position. I can’t be near her right now. Even from here, my heart is thumping hard, and I’m struggling to breathe normally. That surge of pain I felt yesterday after we had sex in the bathroom roars right back to the surface. I keep my hands low at my sides and flex my fingers, which clenched without me realizing it.

“Your dad let me in earlier,” she explains in a rush, “and we talked a little, and…well, I was going to make you a cake and then tell you some things, but this is the second cake I’ve tried so far and it’s completely fallen in the middle.” She gestures behind her. “I keep screwing everything up.” Her face looks brittle, though she’s trying to keep her voice light.

I am completely lost. “Why would you make me a cake?”

She visibly swallows then steps toward me. My instinct is to take a step back, and I catch myself halfway into the motion. The flash of pain that fills her eyes makes me feel a bit guilty, though I don’t want to feel guilty. I’m not the one using her for sex. I have nothing to feel bad for.

Lauren’s a couple of feet from me now. She bites her lip and stares in the distance over my shoulder. “I…I was going to make you a cake because I thought doing something domestic might warm you up to me. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and all that.”

I rub my brow. The tension headache I’ve been fighting since yesterday is threatening to come back. I don’t want to do this right now. Can’t let myself drop the wall again, only to have her hurt me yet again the next time she tries to hide whatever happened between us. Can’t be around her, craving her, knowing it’s all one-sided.

“Lauren,” I start to warn, but she continues to speak.

“I messed up so badly with you, again, but it was totally an accident.” Her voice cracks on the last word, and her head drops. “I’m sorry I hurt you yesterday. I was trying to not make your brother uncomfortable because of what happened in his bathroom. It was merely me being thoughtful, not me being ashamed of what happened between us.” She sucks in a rapid breath. “It took me a few minutes to understand why you left, but I figured it out. Or at least, I think that’s what it was, anyway. And by the time I went out to find you, to explain everything, you were gone. And then you didn’t answer my texts last night, and…” She gives a small shrug. “I figured this was better discussed in person anyway. So, here I am, and I’m sorry for yesterday’s blunder.”

“It’s fine.” I don’t really know what else to say.

“That said, you should have told me I hurt your feelings,” Lauren presses. One slender hand reaches out toward me, then stops, her fingers flexing. Then inches forward until she’s touching my hand. She curls her warm fingers around mine, steps closer. “Instead of just running away, you should have said something. That’s what friends do, because they know they need to be honest. And you and I have a
lot
of things lately that we’ve left unsaid. I know some of that is totally my fault.” There’s sadness and sorrow mingled in her tone.

She’s right about that I should have stayed and told her the truth about how I feel. I know she is, and can even admit as much. But all I can do at the moment is nod to acknowledge her point.

“Is that why you came over?” I finally ask. “To apologize? Consider the apology received, then.” I know this much about Lauren—guilt will eat her alive until she feels a situation is resolved. The sooner she leaves me alone, the sooner I can pick up the pieces and move on.

“Cole.” She’s inches from me now, and I can smell the rich scents of cooking coming off her. She peers up into my eyes, and I can see a multitude of thoughts flashing there, rapid-fire. “You’re going to make me do this the hard way, aren’t you?” She gives an awkward laugh and shakes her head. “Okay then.”

“No, Lauren, I can’t do this with you anymore. Seriously. Just go home, or to work, or wherever else you need to be right now.” I drop her hand and close my eyes to take a moment to myself. I cannot deal with one more incident with her. It might crush me.

“I just—
Please
, give me a few minutes to explain everything, and I promise I’ll leave. Well, after I clean up the kitchen, that is.” She sighs. “Back in college, Christina had a massive fight with her boyfriend, Max,” she starts in a hesitant voice. I open my eyes and see her looking down at her own feet. Her fingers are pressed against her belly, and she’s breathing shallowly. “He came to me that night, crying, upset over their estrangement and imminent breakup. He and I got drunk as we talked, and then…” She stops.

“You don’t need to say anything else,” I tell her, shaking my head. “You don’t owe me any explanation about your past.”

“I know I don’t, but…I want you to know, because I hid it from you all these years. I was ashamed, and I never told you that’s why Christina and I stopped talking. I tried to cover it up and pretend it never happened. Then she saw me with you at my place, and it brought all of that right back to the surface.” Lauren rubs the back of her neck and shifts from leg to leg. “I was afraid you’d think badly of me if you knew what I did.”

“I’m not judging you.” The words are honest, true. I’m not judging her for that. We all make mistakes we’re not proud of.

“I know you’re not. That’s why you’re a far better friend to me than I’ve ever been to you. Because—” Her voice cracks again, and she sniffles, still staring at the ground. “Cole, things have changed between us. I didn’t expect it to happen, and I was scared, because I was afraid I was going to lose the man I care about most in my life.”

I struggle to keep my voice even and not let my quiet pain bleed out into my words. “Thank you for coming over. For trying to do something nice for me. But we can’t be friends right now. At least, not for a while.”

“I don’t think we can, either,” she says, and I blink at the top of her head in shock.

Okay, not what I was expecting to hear her say.

Lauren sucks in a loud breath, then looks up at me. Her eyes are wide, tear-rimmed, and her lip is caught between her teeth. “Cole, I…I love you. I’m
in love
with you. That’s why I don’t want to be friends—or
just
friends, at any rate. I want to take a chance with you, be with you, hold your hand and dive out of that airplane with you. Not friends-with-benefits, but more. You know, dating. Out in the open. And,” she swallows, “and it kills me that it took me so long to tell you, and now I’ve probably lost the opportunity with you, but I had to tell you how I feel—”

I cut her off by slanting my mouth over hers, kissing the rest of the words from her. The blood is roaring in my ears, my pulse pounding hard enough to make the blood vessels burst. I tug her flush against me, heedless of anything else but touching her. She opens to my kiss immediately, her tongue sweeping along mine. Wraps her arms around me and strokes my neck.

And for the first time in years, I feel the peace I’ve been craving. A real sense of home in her arms.

Lauren loves me. Not as a friend—or
just
a friend. As a man. Someone she wants to be in a relationship with. I keep my hands on her, my mouth on her, so I don’t feel like I’m hallucinating this moment.

I grip the back of her head, deepen our kiss, possess her mouth, run my other hand along her round ass. My cock throbs between us, aching to bury deep inside her. I’m overwhelmed by everything I’m feeling. So I pour it all into this beautiful, perfect kiss.

After a minute, Lauren pulls back, panting, eyes hooded with desire. “So…I assume that means I’m not too late?” Her voice is husky, rich with lust, and my skin catches on fire. She’s certainly not hiding anything from me now.

I nuzzle her throat, kiss the pulse fluttering madly there. Her skin is creamy, soft. I use my fingers to arch her neck, exposing more to my tongue. “Not too late,” I confirm, then suck an earlobe into my mouth.

She shudders and melts against me even more, and I can feel her nipples beading through her thin bra against my pecs. “Your dad is still home, in his bedroom,” she whispers.

“So?” I cup the welcoming weight of her breast, thumb the nipple. It hardens more beneath my touch.

She laughs and pulls back. “Not here, where he can walk in at any minute. I don’t want him to think badly of me.”

“Clearly he doesn’t if he let you in to use the stove,” I murmur, but drop my hand.

“So…are we good?” she asks. There’s real hope in her eyes, an emotion mirrored in my own heart, but also a tinge of uncertainty.

I cup her cheek. Stroke my thumb along the curve of her cheekbone. “Lauren, I’ve loved you since middle school. I’ve pretty much been in love with you every single day I’ve known you. And I’ve been carrying around what I thought was a foolish wish, to one day have you feel something for me too.”

“Oh,” she says on a breathy exhale. Her eyes are impossibly wide as she stares at me. “I… Wow, I didn’t know. Why did you never tell me? All these years you’ve been…” She licks her lips.

“Isn’t it obvious? Because like you, I valued our friendship, and I was afraid if I said anything, it would ruin what we have.” I think for a moment. “And then we had that night together in the basement.”

She quirks her mouth, and her eyes get warm. My cock throbs as she stares at me, lust and love right there all over her face. “Remind me to thank Xander for that shitty basement door. I guess we just needed a push in the right direction.”

I wrap my hands around her waist, revel in the feel of her skin under my hands. I don’t ever want to let her go now. “You know there’s no going back to just being friends,” I say softly. “This is it. Ready or not.”

“Let’s be honest. We haven’t been ‘just friends’ in a while,” she says. She reaches up and takes my hands in hers, threads our fingers together, lowers them between us. “We’ve been on a trajectory in this direction, and it was going to happen at some point. I’m just glad it’s now. And…again, I’m really sorry about not being honest with you before. But I wasn’t honest with myself either, and I’ve let fear hold me back for far too long.”

I’m not sure it’s possible for me to feel any happier than I do right now. Freeing one hand, I stroke the hair from her face, tuck a lock behind her ear. “I want to be inside you,” I tell her. I want her to see how much I need her, crave her. This beautiful woman who is all mine.

She flushes, a deep pink sliding up her throat, across her cheeks. “But your dad, he’s…”

I lean down until my lips brush her ear. “Then I guess you’ll have to stay extra quiet. You can do that, right, kitten? Stay quiet for me while I fuck you and make you come on my bed? I need to feel that hot, wet pussy wrapped around me.”

She gives a jerky nod, and her breathing grows rapid once more.

“Good girl. Let me thank you properly for trying to bake for me.” I press a wet kiss beneath her earlobe, and she sighs, clings to my shoulders, her head falling back to expose the column of her throat. I oblige and give a row of gentle kisses there, then demand in the dark, bossy tone I know she loves, “Upstairs, right now.”