Fire In His Eyes (10 page)

We stayed outside until dusk and enjoyed the camaraderie, ate
lobster, joked, drank a few beers, but it seemed all too soon when everyone began to chip in and start to clean up.  We were back in his apartment by eight and we both knew I would have to leave shortly so I began to gather my things.  Kat was in her room, putting away laundry as we said goodbyes in his bedroom.  He helped me to put my things away into my overnight bag and I noticed the picture from earlier was gone, and then we walked out into the living room.

Victor called out to Kat.  “I’m walking Monica to her car.
Can you buzz me back up?”

“Sure,” she yelled and then
popped her head out of her room.  “Nice meeting you, Monica.  Hope to see you again.  It was nice seeing Vic smile.”

“It
was nice meeting you too, Kat,” I said as Victor ushered me out the door.

Victor just shook his head.  W
e made our way quietly to my car, him carrying my bag with one hand and holding my hand with the other.  He put my belongings in the car, and then followed me to the driver’s side door.  He leaned me up against the door and kissed me.  It was the sweetest kiss he had given me so far.  It made me feel a little better about this weekend and then he held me, and pleaded, “Please, don’t fall in love with me, Monica.  I’ll give you what I can, but I am afraid it can’t be enough.”  His words chilled me.  Why was he afraid of hurting me? Why was he dooming this relationship from the start?  It hurt. He sighed and I looked into his ice blue eyes.  “I have something for you, Monica,” he added.  “It’s a temporary tattoo, remember the girl from the restaurant?” I nodded and looked down to the palm of my hand to see the tribal band tattoo, with the words, Hot! Hot! Hot! above it.  “Put it on, somewhere on your body, anywhere.  That’s where I will fuck you next. Go now.  I’ll call you Tuesday.”

I got into the car, and couldn’t even speak to say goodbye because of the lump forming in my throat. 
This man ran hot, then cold the next minute.  He was tender one second, then was warning me off. This man had secrets, he wasn’t willing to commit, yet he wanted my body and I wanted him.  I was confused. He shut the door and stood there and watched me back out of the parking space, out of the lot, and onto Del Mabry Blvd.  The ride home was a difficult one.  What had I gotten myself into, I wondered?

Victor didn’t call on Monday.  He didn’t call Tuesday, either.  It made me feel horrible inside.  I couldn’t even explain how I felt.  My dream on Monday had been first pleasant then painful. I imagined he had met someone else, and that I had been nothing but a fleeting pastime. I thought about him all day, too and was so distracted at work. I wanted to call him badly and when he didn’t call again that night, I was so disappointed. He had reiterated how busy he was, and I didn’t want to appear needy, so I didn’t call. I waited pathetically for him to make the next move.  As disappointed as I was by his revelations, I still hoped and prayed he would call.  Late on Tuesday with no call coming in, apparently, I flicked off the television, and I got ready for bed then sadly climbed under the covers around eleven o’clock for another restless night.  But, I had my cell phone next to me, just in case.  It felt like I was just dozing off when the phone began to ring.  It was Victor.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hey, Monica, it’s me, Victor,” he said loudly into his end of the phone.  I could hear music in the background.  He was obviously out with friends having a good time I thought, a bit resentfully.  His words confirmed my thinking.  “I’m out with some of the guys shooting pool, but I remembered I promised to call you.”  The laughter and music began to fade and his voice began to return to normal. 

“Hi Victor,
I th-thought you forgot.”  I squinted at the clock.  It was just after midnight. “I was sleeping.”

I think he could hear the disappointment in my voice because he
sighed and then said, “You sound mad.  Are you mad, Monica?”  His tone dropped a couple of decibels sounding concerned.   

“No, I am not
mad.”  I wasn’t, just very disappointed.  “I was sleeping so my voice may come off a little huskier,” I lied.

“Well, I
am glad you didn’t wait up and you haven’t been waiting around for my calls.  Remember what I said, I want to be friends with benefits, no complications, okay?” he said cautiously.

The lump in my throat got
bigger.  Why did he have to keep reminding me of this?  It was as if he wanted to put a wall up between us.  “That’s fine, Victor,” I lied again.  “I was in a relationship like this once before.  I’m a big girl.” 
My only relationship!  It wasn’t the kind I wanted to have again. Not with him
.  I wanted possibilities and chances.

“You sound mad, Monica,” he stated emphatically. 
God, was he trying to pick a fight?
  I was getting mad now. 

“I am not mad,”
I replied on a sigh, “Just tired.  I had a long day, is all.” 

“I was going to come see you tomorrow, but I think I will come Thursday, I can spend mo
re time with you then.  Is that okay?  Are you available?”  He asked.

I paused before answering, not wanting to sound desperate.
“Sure, I’ve got no plans.  What time?”  I asked, and although I would have liked to have seen him on both days, I kept those thoughts to myself.

“I don’t know yet.  I’ll let you know
,” he muttered.  “Listen, the guys are calling me back.  I’ll call tomorrow, okay?”

I didn’t want the phone call to end so soon, but he was making all the calls. 
“Okay.  Good night.”  I hung up before he could say anything else.  I couldn’t say another word anyway because of the lump that was forming in my throat.  I hadn’t known him long and I knew it was silly, but I was feeling things for him I shouldn’t feel already.  Yearning, longing yes, but maybe even something a little more.  He was trying to warn me off, but I didn’t know what he was trying to warn me about.  He couldn’t commit to me more than a few days a month right now, but couldn’t tell me why. I was all kinds of a fool for wanting him. 
Would what he was offering be enough for me?
  I asked myself.  I lied to myself when I told myself it would have to be.  But, the deeper part of my mind wondered what he was doing all those other times when we were not together.  Chin up, girl, I told myself.  You’ve been through a lot worse.  I could control my heart, couldn’t I?  But, that didn’t help me to control my imagination.  I didn’t sleep too much after that.

On my way home from work on Wednesday, I stopped in at the Publix on the corner of U.S. Highway Nineteen and New York Avenue, just a few blocks from my home.  I needed some fresh produce.  I shopped often, every couple of days to buy fresh produce.  I liked my greens fresh, and after putting my purse in the front of the shopping cart, my phone rang.  I reached in and saw Victor on the display screen. My pulse quickened, and I made my voice sound up beat.

“Hey, Victor.”

“Hey, Monica.  You sound much better.  I was worried about you,” he remarked.

“I had a better day
today; my students behaved and most actually did the assignment,” I offered as an explanation.

He chuckled, “Well that is good to hear.  I am sure the boys were riveted.”  I laughed
at his teasing.  “Hey, I hear noise, you still working?”

“Actually, I am at the grocery store.  I needed parsley, artichokes, asparagus, and maybe carrots.”
I rattled off my shopping list and heard him chuckle.

“Mhmm,” he muttered
exaggerating boredom.  “Fascinating.”  I laughed again.

“Sorry
to bore you, Victor,” I teased back.

“You have never been boring, Monica,” his tone was once again serious. 
“Well, I just wanted to say hello.  You did not sound like yourself last night, and I was just checking on you to make sure you were okay.  I am on my way home to shower, and then a family thing came up.  So, I am glad I didn’t promise to see you tonight, you would have been disappointed.  But, I will see you Thursday, about nine.  I will sleep over so we have a little more time together, and just leave early for work, okay?”

He’d worried about me, well that was something. 
“Sounds great, Victor.  I am looking forward to it,” I replied keeping up my false sense of cheer.  “I’ve missed you,” I blurted out, suddenly not caring that he knew I cared a little.

“
Oh, Monica,” he stalled for time as I patiently waited for his reaction.  “I missed you, as well.  Later, Mi Cara,” and he hung up. 

His words warmed me and I would make tomorrow night special, I vowed so that he would continue to miss me.  I was a little disappointed that he wouldn’t be coming until n
ine o’clock, but he had told me he’d be able to spend more time with me if he came on Thursday.  Shake it off, Monica, I told myself. Take what you can and what he’s willing to give. Don’t push too hard and don’t push him away, my head told my heart.  Make what time you do have special, and I began to plan.

My sister stopped by around six o’clock on Thursday.  We had dinner together.  I spilled everything. I had to.  She kept demanding details.  She could read me better than I could read myself.  She could see the dark circles under my eyes, and the puffiness.  She heard the hesitation in my voice.

“Listen, Mon.  I took you out so you could
meet someone and have a little fun, and see that sex is good with many men.  Enjoy it.  Take what he has to offer for now, and keep your eyes on the horizon for the next hunk.  But I have a bad feeling about this guy.  Don’t fall in love with this guy.”

“That’s what he said!”   I grumbled. 
Then, we both laughed at the joke, and the funny line often used in the comedy
The Office
we both enjoyed.

Her laugh trailed off, and then she sighed.
“Seriously, Mon.  This guy sounds like he has some deep issues.  It seems to me, the guy is hiding something, and I don’t like it.  Something smells fishy to me,” she stated tapping her long French manicured fingernails on the table top.”

“I do really like him, and the sex is great. Better than great.  Mind blowing. I have been having a lot of fun,” I complained. 
She was worrying her bottom lip, and I already really liked Victor.  I wanted her support here, I wanted her to see the silver lining, see hope.  She wasn’t giving me any of those things.

“Well,” she drawled out, “Fun is good.” 
She smiled wickedly wicked.  “But don’t lose your heart to him if he won’t come clean with you.  Do you think you can handle that, honey?” she reached over to pat my hand.

“I won’t,
and I can,” I vowed avoiding her searching gaze.

“Good, we’re on the same page here, then?” she enquired with one arched eyebrow looking at me
from her porcelain face.

I nodded.

“Well, it sounds like he’s another Dan, but with a lot more sex appeal AND he seems knowledgeable.  He will teach you things. That is for sure.”  She waggled both eyebrows suggestively. “Enjoy it.  Go with the flow.  Ride the wave, if you know what I mean, and if you don’t, I meant ride his cock.”  She was trying to lighten the mood again, and I sorely appreciated it.

“Way to state the obvious, Ana!”  I laughed. 
“I’ll do that, though.  The sex is really amazing,” I reiterated.

“It sure as hell
sounds like it.  Damn, I wish I had taken him home with me,” she teased and took a sip of her sweet tea.  I chuckled and murmured hands off he’s mine.  She laughed, but then got serious again and repeated her warnings one more time.  “Mon, this guy has got serious commitment issues.  He’s hiding something from you, and if you pressure him for answers he’s going to bolt.  I advise you to enjoy it, but keep looking, chicka!  Don’t set your cap for the first guy that rocks your world.”  Did I mention my sister was a psychologist?  She was always full of advice, whether it was asked for or not.

“Yes, Ana.”  I gr
umbled.  I knew she was right. Victor was hiding something, but I didn’t want to know what it was because it might make the distance between us grow even more.  I got up to clear the table.  It was nearly eight and I had to get ready for Victor.  Butterflies appeared suddenly in my stomach.  I wanted tonight to be perfect.