Finding the Thing Within (5 page)

“Hey Rosario, don’t take it like that. I didn’t want to offend you, when I said libertine I meant that you haven't had a stable relationship...you’re happy with what comes your way, but that’s not meant in a bad way. It’s one way to live your sexual sphere. And with regards to anal sex, personally I've neither penetrated nor been penetrated. The idea does excite me though! Who knows then, on what the sexual relationship is based...oral? I suppose. As you can see I’m starting to trust you too. I hope we can have no regrets. Goodnight. Your Lorenzo.

Rosario was beside himself with the excitement of it all. He felt strange, on one hand he wanted to refuse the situation and on the other he felt drawn to it. Who knows why? Once again he had trouble sleeping and could only think of the next time he would meet Lorenzo. He dreamt once again of the monster, except that this time the monster was smiling and instead of grasp, he beckoned him to follow, which Rosario did, unafraid. He let himself be taken by the hand down into a dark tunnel which then slowly got lighter and lighter. He was feeling light and calm, and happy. Happier than he had ever felt in his whole life, then suddenly he awoke.

As got ready to go to work as usual–jacket and tie and he was off. On the street outside his phone rang:
“Hello? Who’s there?”
“Hi, it’s Lorenzo. I’m going to the beach and wondered if you wanted to come.”
“When?”
“Now! it’s Friday so there won’t be many people.”
“OK… it’s ten now but I can be free before eleven.”
“Right. See you in Smia street?”
“Yeah ok.” He ran home and changed, put two sandwiches in a bag and left again. Rosario was there on time and had to wait a few minutes before Lorenzo arrive. He had never seen him wearing shorts before and his thighs and calve muscles were beautiful. He had legs that made Rosario want to yell. Why did he have to be bald and bespectacled? If not for these he would be stunning. They decided to go in one car so Lorenzo parked his and climbed in with Rosario.
“Where are we going then?”
“There’s a place near here with big rocks by the sea, it’s out of the way and quiet.”
“Yes I know it, that’s where I go too.”

***

They arrived in no time but had to park the car and walk on a dirt track road and then over rock for quite a distance before they finally arrived. The beach remained hetero only up until a certain point, beyond which, due to the inaccessibility of the area, was strictly gay. There were no scandals beyond this well defined sexual boundary.

“Shall we stop here on go on over there?” Rosario asked, wanting to see if Lorenzo knew the place.
“No, let’s go on, there are people around here.”
When they were coming up to the boundary Lorenzo stopped.
“Let’s walk up there and around into the bay?” Rosario wanted to know why, especially since it meant a far more tiring walk uphill and off the path.
“No, it’s too easy for people who know me to see us down here and I wouldn’t want them seeing us crossing this line together.”
“Alright, whatever.” It took them an extra half an hour before they eventually arrived at the large rocks. The water was beautifully limpid and the sea floor was visible even from high up. The waves were splashing up roughly between the giant slabs, but then they always did here. It was practically deserted too, just one or two couples scattered here and there. They chose a comfortable rock big enough for them both, spread their large towels and stretched out in the sun. Rosario, used to getting right on with it, was holding himself back. He was waiting for Lorenzo to take the initiative, or at least do something.
“I’ve never before found myself in this situation,” he murmured.
“What do you mean?”
“To be lying in the sun next to someone I’m attracted to and to be taking only the sun...”
Lorenzo said nothing and took a sandwich from the bag and offered half to Rosario. “What’s in it?”
“Cheese and prosciutto.”
Rosario didn’t like cheese; in fact he didn’t much like anything dairy. He had some kind of lactose intolerance. From early childhood he had rejected milk and often brought it back up.
“No thanks, I don’t eat cheese.”
“Um, I’m going for a swim. Are you coming?”
“No, I like to wait for a bit, what are you really going in straight after eating?”
“What you call that eating? One sandwich?” He got up and went defiantly off toward the sea. He chose a perfect rock and leapt into the waves. He could really swim! He moved through the water like a fish. Rosario thought about his own lack of swimming ability. Not that he hated the water, it just wasn’t his natural environment. When he went for a swim he would wait for the sea to be almost completely calm and even then he would swim for only a short time before he wanted to feel something solid under his feet.
To avoid any potential criticism he remained stretched out on the rock. Lorenzo came back from the sea and remained standing near Rosario. From this angle Rosario had an even more imposing view of his majestic frame. He was getting excited watching his large, muscled legs and he turned to the side to avoid that Lorenzo should see. He tapped the towel next to him. As Lorenzo lowered onto the towel, Rosario made his move. He delicately stroked Lorenzo’s arm. Lorenzo caught his gaze and said:
“You know what that could lead to?”
“Yes I know, but I can stop if you like?”
“I hope I don’t regret it,” He moved his lips toward Rosario who, overcome by the scent of cheese, wanted to escape but was even more overcome by the desire to kiss him. And he kissed him tenderly, and tenderly he slid his hand down Lorenzo’s leg.

Damn! Hot!
he thought as he touched legs unlike

any he had ever touched.

He lowered his own costume till he was naked, and then did the same to Lorenzo’s. He hesitated ever so slightly before giving way. He drew his hand up towards his pale shaft, but something troubled him, until then he had only half pushed, because his mind was stuck on Lorenzo. He looked him in the eyes and kissed him. He turned his gaze downwards, away from his eyes to get a better look at his cock. Mamma mia, it wasn’t tiny but it was hardly the kind of thing he usually looked for or the kind of thing a big guy like him deserved. He said nothing but Lorenzo had understood:

“Are you disappointed?”
“Maybe I expected a little more width.”
“How’s yours?” and he looked at Rosario’s penis. Rosario was rather well endowed by contrast to

what his body would suggest. Mother Nature would seem, he thought, to dole out penises at random, as if there was one part of God’s workshop for bodies and another for the manhood. Some were matched up luckily and others less so. Rosario didn’t think all this was very fair and thought about all the different shapes and sizes he had seen in his misadventures.

He remembered that one time he met a nice guy that although rather squat, had an enormous appendage bigger than anything he had ever seen. Rosario thought it correct that there should be a little more proportionality in the world. Lorenzo lost no time at any rate, and took Rosario’s cock in hand. They remained embraced tightly and kissed for half an hour, which seemed an eternity for Rosario, more used as he was to hit-and-run affairs. He looked

him straight in the eyes and thought,
Really, he’s not that bad at all…

He had blurred eyes because of the glasses; his face was sweet, delicate and long. His nose was a little too turned down. Putting his hand before his view of Lorenzo’s he considered how his image improved.

“Hang on while I do an experiment!” and he took his dark blue T-shirt and wrapped it around Lorenzo’s head, simulating the elaborate folds of long flowing hair. He looked even better.

“What are you doing?” laughed Lorenzo.

“I just want to imagine you with lots of hair, you’d look really good.”
“Oh yeah well, thanks that’s nice.”
“Why don’t you wear a wig?”
“What the fuck? Mother Nature decides that I’d lose my hair early and so be it. My grandfather and father was bald and so now I’m bald too. The only ones at home with hair are my mother and brother.”
“When did you start losing it?”
“I still had all my hair up until four years ago and suddenly...”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Depends what you want to know?”
“What do you have to do to get legs like that? I thought you must go all the time to the gym, but people who go to the gym are all muscle, but you have especially big and beautiful leg muscles.”
“I play basketball competitively.”
“Oh. For which team?”
“No, it’s not a real team, unfortunately even though we play competitively, I’m still amateur and there are lots of changes in the team.”
“And do you want to play in a professional team?”
“Not so easy, I haven’t got the physique.”
“What do you mean? You have an amazing physique!”
“To play basketball you have to be really tall.”
“And you’re not tall?”
“Any decent basketball player should be about sixthree, six-four, and I’m barely over six foot. So, no official team.”
“Just as well. You’re tall enough for me as it is, never mind six-foot-four!”
A man was walking by near them and stopped under the pretense of catching his breath. Rosario knew better and caught the man blatantly staring at Lorenzo. He didn’t even favor a glance at Rosario; his eyes were locked on his taught leg muscles. Rosario fixed a challenging gaze upon the intruder, who presently continued on his way.
“These fucking gays don’t even leave you in peace here at this beach.”
“Hey, don’t insult your own category!”
“And yours!”
“Thought I’d told you, I’m not gay!”
“Really? And you were kissing and stroking your girlfriend just now?”
“Let’s just say I’m attracted to both men and girls so if I have to be defined I’d have to say I’m bisexual.”
“Call it what you like, if you ask me a man that likes being with another man is gay.”
“I already told you in all honesty that I’ve never been with a man, didn’t I? I’ve always been with girls before and even had a girlfriend. Let’s say that I’d consider a physical relationship with a man, but when it comes to the emotional side, well, I’d need a girl for that.”
“What do you mean?”
“It means that even though I’d really like to screw another man, I think I could only ever love a woman properly. I just don’t think the same degree of love can ever exist between two men.”
“Mm...Well, I know quite a few long-term couples who are still really crazy for each other.”
“Crazy, maybe... but it’s still not love, is it?”
“To be honest I don’t really understand any of this, having never been in love myself. I know that love exists though. I know a couple who often come here and they’ve been together for ten years, and they claim to love each other.”
“And you believe them?”
“What should I say? They say they love each other and I’ve no good reason to doubt them.”
“Love is a serious thing; it shouldn’t be given or taken so lightly.”
“Have you ever been in love?”
“Yes. I really loved my girlfriend but I still doubt that she really loved me the same.”
“What did you do with her?”
“In which sense?”
“Did you have sex with her?”
“What kind of question is that? Obviously we had sex!”
“And you enjoyed it?”
“Where are you going with this?”
“Never mind, morbid curiosity. How’s your relationship with your father?”
“Shitty, why?”
“No reason. I ask everyone I go with to try and understand if they have issues similar to mine?”
“Why what are those?”
“Let’s just say that I reckon I’m gay because my mother is strict and authoritarian whilst my father has always been weak. My mother kept me close to her all the time and wouldn’t let me play freely with the other kids because she said they’d teach me bad habits. She would predicate that ‘good children’ did not play in the streets and other nonsense.”
“So what’s your father got to do with it?”
“What do you mean ‘what’s my father got to do with it?' It’s all his fault, he should have been there, in those times, sticking up for what I wanted to do. He had no control and never properly stepped into the role of a real father, and you? Why do you say your relationship with your father was shitty?”
“Because he’s a non-entity. He doesn’t know how to put his foot down either. My mother wears the trousers and he’ll only make a stand if it suits his own ends.”
“Do they know about you?””
“No, are you kidding? To tell the truth I’m beginning to think that my mother suspects something. A while ago this guy wrote a compromising email and somehow my mother got to read it. One day she asked who he was and what he wanted.”
“And you?”
“Nothing, I just said that he must’ve been some random guy who found my email address God knows where... but I don’t think she really bought it.”
“Why not?”
“Because one day she asked my girlfriend how everything was with me, in bed, if everything was normal.”
Lorenzo had a naturally light complexion but was already fairly tanned and you could clearly see the difference with the skin underneath his swimming costume.
“So you have a brother then?”
“Yeah.”
“Older or younger?”
“Nearly twenty-three.”
“Oh…and what’s he like? Hot?”
Lorenzo smiled, his gaze a little disconcerted then answered:
“He’s as tall as me and has all his damn hair. Who knows, maybe he takes after my mother side who all have plentiful locks? I follow on my dad’s side who are all bald on top.”
“How’s your relationship with your brother?”
“Well, you could say it’s not perfect.”
“How come?”
“He’s all the time in his own world. He’s moody and temperamental, and he’s mollycoddled by my parents.”
“And I think you’re a bit jealous. Is he handsome?”
“I think I’ve already answered that.”
“Is he... masculine?”
“Ah! I suppose. He goes around constantly surrounded by a lot of girls.”
“But you said you have had relationships exclusively with girls too, right?”
“Er, where are you going with all of this?”
“Nothing. Doesn’t matter.”
“And you? Have you got brothers and sisters?”
“A brother and a sister, or rather a step-sister. They’re both younger than me. My mother had a thing about little girls and when I was born she convinced herself that I was a girl, probably another reason that I turned out gay. She fussed over me. Then when my younger brother was born she was even more disappointed since she had thought that he, surely, was going to be a girl. Strangely though, my brother is straight and lives in Venice, married with kids. After this second disappointment, they tell me, my mother was more agitated and desperate for a little girl than ever and eventually, when I was six and my little brother four, she adopted a baby girl. She’s like a real sister to me though, that is, I treat her like a real sister. Now she’s married too and has two kids.” While he was talking he noticed that Lorenzo was stoking his arm, and when he realized that it was intentional, embraced him and they made love again.
“I have to confess something to you…”
“What?”
“I lied to you about my age.”
Lorenzo burst into laughter.
“You’re older, aren’t you?”
“Can you tell?”
“How old are you? You’re not thirty-nine?”
“No!” answered Rosario proudly. “I’m forty-seven.”
“Oh, so you’re old?”
“Why do you think my body looks old?”
“No, but it is!”
“Does it bother you, my age?”
“Well, I wouldn’t have said thirty-nine, let alone forty-seven. To think, my father’s forty-eight and my mother, forty-five, so it’s like talking to my parents.”
“Well then, just call me daddy!”
“Shut up!”
It was six o’clock and they decided to call it a day and return to the city.