Finding My Thunder (6 page)

Finding My Thunder 9

He’d
said. “Let’s go to the quarry.” And I did not protest as we headed out of town.
This was his place, this quarry, he owned it all, this town, these places where
his every move made the legends they would talk about all the rest of the week,
Danny Boyd was the thing we got right, the hero amongst us.

The
windows were down and the hot wind blew our hair, and I was turned toward him
and the Moody Blues blasted from an eight track tape. And I was looking at him
and when he’d look back I would smile and so would he.

We
didn’t talk about anything. We didn’t need to. He knew I was in the shit…I knew
he was drifting toward a war. I let the million knocks on the door of my mind
go still and my guilt for feeling comfort with Danny, not take hold. I was with
him and for just a few hours I would pretend it was real because that’s how it
felt…real.

So
we got there, crunching gravel under our tires and he knew where to park, knew
it all slamming the car into gear, tearing the door open, trunk open and him
digging and I got out more slowly cause we were high and the water was low, and
he was back there talking. “Don’t come around less you want to see something,”
he laughed.

And
when he slammed that trunk I got slammed with him in cut-off jeans and not
anything else.

“You
come prepared,” I said.

“Long
as I got my skin I’m ready for the quarry,” he said.

I
didn’t know what to say to that. Of course he would swim bare with his friends,
but I was me and…not ready.

But
following him it was hard not to ogle his back and shoulders, hips and legs,
Lord, and him brown as when he was young. Naomi called him that, and he was,
and it ran through.

So
I followed him to the lookout and sat on the ground and he ran for it and
jumped into the air and I was on my feet watching him fall like the most free
and beautiful thing God ever made. And he hit the pure blue water and bobbed up
quick, his dark head slick as a seal’s and he was hooting, “Come on.”

“Oh
shit,” I whispered. “Over-thinker,” I called to him.

“What?
Get down here.” He was treading water.

“I
don’t swim.” And I was afraid of heights and afraid in general.

“Come
on,” he said. “I’ll get you. Jump.”

I
stepped back. Thank God I had on cut-offs. I could easy go in my T-shirt, but
no. If I was going to do this I wanted to be free. I was far enough back he
couldn’t see. I pulled off my T-shirt and stood there in my white bra with the
little flower in the center. I was a Baptist freak thanks to Naomi so the bra
stayed.

“Get
down here,” he called again.

It
was the age of peace and love. I’d always known if I ever got a chance to be a
part of it I’d be a lily-livered sexually inhibited…I bet Tahlila peeled off. And
she was a jock.

Well,
damn it.

“Come
on, girl,” he called.

And
I kicked off my shoes and walked out where he could see me.

He
was quiet, looking up, arms moving.

After
a minute he said, “Go back and run and jump. I’ll be right here.”

I
nodded, and I took some steps back. Worst that could happen? I would die. Either
way I’d be in Danny’s arms the other end of this.

So
I took a big breath. I ran toward the edge and got there and kept going. My
arms went out and my fingers spread and the water grew close and a flash of Danny
and I hit the water and cold. So cold as I plunged letting the rush fold me
like a shut flower. It was good not to fight.

But
as I slowed my petals started to open and I kicked up. He grabbed me and he was
moving strong and I continued to rise. He had my arm and he pulled me, but I
kicked too. In seconds we broke the surface.

He
gasped and so did I. “You did it,” he said soft and proud.

I
put my arms around his neck and his arms were around me as his strong legs kicked.

“You
looked like an angel,” he said.

He
was so kind and so lovely and strong.

He
turned me around then and put his arm under my breasts and he was swimming and
pulling me along, and I looked at the sky so blue, so blue. He’d been proud of
me jumping like that when I was scared. But I wasn’t scared. Not right this
minute I wasn’t at all.

After
a minute he said, “That’s it, just float like that…like that.”

And
my eyes were closed and the heat of the sun on my face, and his hands holding
me, but the water around me, and I floated and it was so quiet, so quiet, and I
felt Danny beneath me, his legs lightly touching my own, then gone, then back. And
for a long time we did that, we floated and we breathed and the water…the
water…like a cloud…like something joined by God…no fear…so safe…like one.

Finding My Thunder 10

I
was back at the hospital the same time they were trying to serve Mama lunch. Naomi
was trying to get her to take a bite of tapioca. She stood by the bed speaking
to Mama like she was a baby. Mama ignored her, face turned away, eyes closed.

“Look
at you,” Naomi said to me.

After
my plunge into the quarry Danny had taken me home and I had put my wet hair in
a ponytail and changed my clothes. I’d also put some things in a paper bag so I
could spend the night with Mama. Lonnie had not been home. That meant we had
pretty much raced here so Danny could work for the rest of the day.

I
didn’t expect Lonnie to come. Not until he had to and maybe not even then.

“Did
the doctor get in to see her?” I asked.

“Go
home,” Mama said, her eyes still closed.

“You
got color in your cheeks,” Naomi addressed me moving to the chair. “Do you want
to eat this food?”

“No
thank you,” I said.

“Naomi
pulled her crochet up from where it sat bundled on the top of her big purse. It
was in baby colors.

“What
did the doctor say?” I asked.

Naomi
shook her head at me with a sorrowful smile. I already knew there was no hope.

So
I went to the other chair in the room and sat, placing my paper bag on the
floor beside.

“They
took an x-ray but she will not be put through anymore tests. She is on a lot of
medication for pain,” Naomi said.

Naomi
fussed at her stitches and then in disgust she unraveled some.

“I
don’t think Lonnie will come around,” I said.

“Leave
him alone,” Mama slurred, not opening her eyes. “He’s no good.”

Naomi
looked at me. She said, “Come on out in the hall a minute.”

I
followed her out to the hallway, waited while she spoke to an old man moving
slow on a walker. You couldn’t go anywhere with Naomi she didn’t know everybody
and their Mama.

“The
x-ray showed how advanced. The doctor asked to use it at a convention. It is
all throughout her Lymph System. It will be two, three weeks…or days,” she said
to me with a sigh.

We
kept walking toward a waiting room at the end of the hall.

“Does
she know?” I said.

“I
believe she does, Hilly. She knows she is dying.”

We
could go no further and stood side by side at a picture window that looked onto
a small patch of grass and some bushes.

I
had a flash in my mind of when I was young and Mama had good times, strong
times where she wore pretty aprons and I could smell the
Breck
shampoo in her thick shiny hair.

She
was trying then, the last drop of hope had not left her yet…or maybe it
had…maybe she got broke around the time Naomi’s husband died. Maybe they all
did and I was just seeing the residue of what Mama could have been…what she was
once.

“How
old was she when she worked at the
dimestore
?”

Naomi
looked at me. “I don’t remember. About your age when she started maybe…fifteen.”

“They
told her she had talent. Artistic talent the way she set up the windows,” I
said. “She was proud of that.”

We
stood there quiet.

“Why
you think she married him?” I asked.

“Guess
she thought she loved him.”

“She
said he looked handsome in his uniform,” I said.

“He
did. He cut a fine figure. They didn’t have much time before he went to war.”

“Did
she really know him?”

“I
suppose she did. Well she had lost your Granma…and she was so lonely in that
big house…and she had a girlfriend…and that one’s boyfriend was getting ready
to go to the war…and he had a friend…it was Mr. Lonnie. And he was older than
her…so that’s how it started.”

Mama
had told me this, but I did not know she had been lonely then, too. But I did
know she accused Lonnie of being after her money. Not that she had any now. But
the big house must of fooled him.

“The
war was hard on folks. People don’t come back the same.” Naomi said this last
part low. I felt us walking on new ground together.

“Was
she ever happy?”

She
looked at me now and I saw the feeling there, always the sadness in her eyes. “How
could she have such a daughter and not know happiness?”

If
that was true, if I was the one supposed to have made her happy…then I knew
firsthand I had failed. There were times when I was small…moments…seconds…but
no, not happiness.

“You
remember Lonnie much before he went to war?”

“Some.”

“What
was he like then?”

She
shrugged. “He kept to himself. He fixed radios.”

“He
did?”

“They
didn’t have long…not even a year before he left. They hardly had any time.”

“Were
they happy? Like…in love?”

“
Renata
…she was always quiet. But after he left…she…she was
lonely again. He…she had quit her job…he didn’t want her to work.”

“So
what did she do all day?”

“She…I
don’t know. It’s so long ago. She…she gardened some. She…painted.”

“Painted?”

“You
ain’t seen her paintings? I don’t know what she done with them all. It’s so
long ago.”

She
was agitated, straightening up the waiting room. “I’m going to have to go for a
bit. We are planning a service for the baby…and I got to rest.”

“You
don’t have to come back today. I’ll call you,” I said.

Danny
had told me to come to the parking lot when he got off of work. He said he
wasn’t much good inside hospitals but he was great in parking lots. I smiled to
myself remembering his words. And I told him he didn’t have to do that, he’d
done too much already, but he ignored that and said he’d be round at five
o’clock.

And
I sat with Mama and she was already shifting away, turning away and looking to
go. She didn’t talk to me or open her eyes much, but I put my hand on her leg
sometimes, but I couldn’t keep her there.

At
five I ran to the parking lot and the purple car was parked close to the front,
but in a real spot this time. He was slumped in the seat smoking a cigarette and
listening to music. I opened the passenger’s door and got in. “Hey,” I said,
and he was sitting up from a drowsy place.

“You’re
sunburned,” he said touching my cheek.

“You
too,” but he wasn’t. He didn’t burn he just got brown.

“How
you
doin
’?” he asked. “Hungry?”

“No,”
I said. I didn’t think I’d ever eat again I felt so sick.

“Scoot
over,” he said patting the seat beside him. So I did move over, and he put his
arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder and it felt like Jesus had
showed. I felt a block of sorrow move into my throat and I willed it back down
cause it was too big and too much.

“He’s
gonna pretty well stay drunk looks like,” Danny said, meaning Lonnie. “You want
to take a ride?”

“I
can’t leave her long.”

“We’ll
ride to the bottoms and back. Twenty minutes.”

I
went to scoot back to the door and he pulled my arm. “Where you
goin
’?”

So
I gave in and he took his arm back, but I sat close to him while he drove us
out of there.

I
couldn’t think of a thing to say. I wasn’t light hearted like some girls, the
girls he’d known. And now….

So
we drove and he sang a little, and looked at me sometimes, but he only smiled a
little. I sat there and absorbed him. That was what I wanted to do, tried to
do. I didn’t ever want to leave him, leave this car, leave his side. “I wish we
could go to Canada,” I said.

“What?”
he asked reaching to turn down the radio.

I
felt stupid now. “You don’t have to keep doing this.”

“What?”

“Being
so nice.”

“Should
I be mean?”

I
laughed a little. “No.”

So
we were quiet then, and too soon back at the hospital and fear and guilt
speared me. What if she died while I was gone?

He
pulled near the door and I scooted away and said, “Thanks.”

“You’re
welcome.”

“Danny…you
can’t keep doing this. I’m…sorry I pulled you into all this.”

“Hilly…I
don’t do anything I don’t want to do.”

“Vietnam?”
I said.

He
kept staring at me, eyes with the dark pull.

“You
want to go to Vietnam?” I repeated.

“We’re
going to talk about this again?” He shook his head.

“I…don’t
want you to go.” I had no right.

“If
you wanted me to go…to a war…thousands of miles away…that would mean you hated
my guts.”

“I…don’t
hate your guts.”

“Good
to know.”

I
opened the door. “I…I don’t hate your guts,” I said again. “But…for so long…you
ignored me.”

He
shrugged. “See there…you’re wrong. There is no ignoring you. Not for me. Not
ever.”

“You
stopped talking to me on your thirteenth birthday. I was eleven. I brought you
a cake. Sukey…and you and him fought. You told me…you said….” I finally heard
myself, how loud my voice had grown and the emotion. I just stopped. I wasn’t
fit to be around him. I felt like an idiot.

“I’m
sorry,” I said. “I’m so sorry. Just…you shouldn’t come back. I’m…I’m kind of a
mess inside.”

I
got out and closed the door. I heard his door slam and he called me. The guard
was outside telling him he had to move his car. Danny cursed, but I heard him
get back in his car and then I was inside. The nurse stopped me at her desk to
explain Mama’s medication and as soon as she was done I turned to continue
toward her room and Danny was there.

“Can
I talk to you for a minute?” he asked.

He
was still in his work clothes and pretty dirty, but beautiful to me.

“I…I
guess so,” I said. We stepped a little ways down the hall and I leaned against
the wall.

“I’m
here now,” he said. “I don’t know how long I’ll be around and I never planned
to do this…like thought it out…it just seems…right.”

“We
were friends,” I said and I felt the tears, but I breathed slow and held them
in check.

“That’s
what we are,” he said.

“But
all that time…I understand you went into sports and got all famous.”

He
laughed at that.

“I
mean…you wouldn’t look at me. You never did.”

“I
wasn’t ignoring you. You said ignore. I had my reasons. It was just easier.”

“Not
for me.”

“You
holding it against me?”

“No.”
I tried to really be honest and I wasn’t holding it against him. “No.”

He
shook his head. “Friends?”

He
had always been my friend. My only friend. My best friend. The only one I’d
wanted.

“I
just,” he said, “I need you right now. Is that okay?”

I
wanted him to need me. I needed him. I didn’t like the, ‘right now,’ part, but
that was honest. He was too big for Ludicrous, Tennessee. Even if there wasn’t
a war, he was too big. I nodded.

He
stepped forward, hand on the back of my neck. He pulled me forward to kiss my
forehead, but I kept my face up and I was close and we were looking at each
other and I smelled the iron but on him it was new.

“All
day,” he said, “I thought about the quarry. I don’t know what this is…and
there’s no future…absolutely none. But for now…whatever this is…I have to be
with you.”

I
continued to stare.

“Say
it’s okay. Say it’s okay,” he whispered.

It
wasn’t okay. It was not okay. But there was no way on this earth I would deny
him anything he asked.

“It’s
okay,” I said.

He
touched his forehead to mine and it was settled.

As
my mother lay dying in a nearby room…I plunged all over again into the blue
bowl…the cold rush of Danny Boyd.