Finding My Thunder (4 page)

Finding My Thunder 6

When
Lonnie came in after lunch the Stones were singing. I was about to chew my
bottom lip off, but I kept pretending I was paying attention to what I was doing.
I’d tallied all the bills Lonnie owed and I was going over and over that
balance because I surely had it wrong.

Lonnie
walked all righteous to that radio and shut it off. “What did I tell you?” he
yelled at Danny.

I
was glad that Robert walked in then, toothpick in his mouth. He saw Lonnie
standing there glaring at Danny. He looked at me and smiled like, what the hell
is this?

Danny
kept running the buffer like he didn’t hear Lonnie and even when he pulled it
off the tank he was polishing he kept it running while he stared at Lonnie.

“You
on something boy?” Lonnie yelled. He marched to the plug in and yanked the cord
out of the wall. That machine died and it was quiet.

“You
messin
’ with me, boy or you just daft?”

“Daft?”
Danny repeated, looking at Lonnie like he should explain it.

Lonnie
had his hands on his hips, “You touch my radio one more time I will break your
hand,” he said.

I
put my hand over my mouth.

“Holy
shit, Lonnie,” Robert said pushing off of the doorway and walking toward them.

Lonnie
pointed at Robert. “You stay out of this shit brain,” he said.

“It’s
just a damn radio,” Robert said.

“You
want to shut your mouth?” Lonnie said. Then he pointed to me, “I blame you. This
ain’t no place for a girl. You get your stuff together and get home.”

I
stood up quick. “Um Lonnie…could you come here for a minute?”

He
mimicked me as he stalked to the desk where I stood. I knew this wasn’t a good
time, but I had to pull his evil mouth off of Danny.

“I’ve
had nothing but trouble since you come in here. So you just pack up your
shit
and get the hell out and you stay home with your crazy
Mama and that crazy one lives behind and don’t you come back.” I knew he was
glad to turn it on to me…I knew he thought me weaker.

So
I took in a shaky breath and let it out. Danny had laid that buffer down but I
turned my back so he wouldn’t think this had a thing to do with him. I picked
up the paper I’d been messing with, those figures I’d gone over and over. “Lonnie
I added up what you owe.” I handed him the paper. He glared around at
everything and I pointed where he should look. I pointed to the total. Thirty-two
thousand dollars.

“What
the hell you think you’re
doin
’?” he said swallowing
hard, glaring at me. “What the hell you
doin
’
gettin
’ in my business? You don’t stick your nose in my
business. Who the hell you think you are you little bitch? Nobody told you to
do this. What you gonna do with this? This is for her…and that colored. You’re
spyin
’ on me. You get the hell out of here. You get out.” He
waved that paper around, that big vein throbbing in his forehead.

My
heart was racing. I put a hand on the desk to keep the room from tilting. “I
also figured what you’re owed…but you don’t bill like you need to. I think
you’re doing work you ain’t getting paid for. You don’t have a healthy cash
flow…money in…money out. I figure there’s at least twelve thousand you’re
getting stiffed for right now. You got the invoices written out but I don’t see
where the money came in.”

He
glared at me for another thirty, forty seconds, then he slapped that paper on
his leg, yelled beyond me for Danny and Robert to get back to work he wasn’t
paying them to stand around. Then he said, “Oh, you gonna use that on me? You
think you can?”

I
turned to see Danny laying a pipe back on the table. “That’s just your guilty
conscience,” Danny said.

Lonnie
went to him quick. “You better believe if it wasn’t for Paul you’d been out of
here the minute you touched my radio. You ever think you are man enough to use
something like that on me you come on then.”

They
were staring off, and Robert said, “Boss, calm down. He’s a good kid. He didn’t
know what he was seeing. Calm down, man.”

“You
ever…ever pull a weapon on me…better have the guts to use it,” Lonnie said up
close to Danny’s face.

“Yes
sir,” Danny said. He looked away then and picked up the buffer and got back to
work.

Lonnie
stood for another minute glaring at him.

Robert
kept watching them while he worked until Lonnie turned away and stalked back to
me. My legs were shaking so I eased back to the chair.

I
did what I was supreme at, talking normal when one of my parents was acting
like a maniac, “I got what you’re owed from purchase orders you had on the desk
here. But if you don’t get an order and you don’t remember what you did then
comes time to bill you might forget something. If someone comes in here wanting
you to fix something…like a chair…or something on their truck…you have to write
out a purchase order.”

“I
ain’t got time to do that.”

“Then
you lose your time. Time is money. So then you lose your money,” I said, just
the way they taught me at school. I remembered liking the order of accounting,
the way it worked.

“I
got purchase orders somewhere,” he said and I felt the first ray of hope. “I
know how to run a business,” he said, “but I got to do everything myself.”

“Yes
sir. That must be really hard,” I said, and he looked at me briefly…suspicious.

“What
your Mama and that one behind never understood is the load I got to
carry…dragging you all along with me…and all I hear is the
bitchin
’
and
complainin
’.”

I
had such a desire to pick up one of the binders off his desk and smash him in
the face I had to tuck my hands under my thighs. “That…must be really hard. See…I
never knew that. But…I want to help. I…don’t want to be like…Mama. I want to help
you.”

“I
don’t need your help,” he said. “This ain’t no place for a girl. You’re causing
me all kinds of trouble already. I ain’t got time for this.”

“I’m
just here to help. I’ll keep it really nice here and keep it all in order.”

“And
you’ll go home and tell them all my business.”

“No
sir. I don’t talk to them much. I won’t tell them nothing.”

“I
can’t keep these bucks in line with you here,” he said.

“I
don’t care about them.”

“That’s
not it. They’re
showin
’ off cause of you.”

“That
will stop. I promise. Let me do this. You’re the only sane parent I got. I
don’t want to spend my summer with Mama again when I could be a help to you.”

He
didn’t care about that. Everything I was saying was a lie and I hated his guts
and I had to create a new me to get around him but he was a lion and I was
throwing him every kind of meat I could get my hands on.

“I
can’t babysit you,” he said.

“I
ain’t asking for it. I’ll get your phone.”

“I
don’t answer it. They all want money.”

“I’ll
take care of it. We don’t want to miss calls for jobs. See you got to answer
it.”

“You
just take a message, you don’t ever tell them I’m here.”

“Yes
sir. And if it’s for a job you can call back, see?”

He
laughed, and I don’t think I’d ever been the source of so much as a smile from
him before. “You ain’t
tellin
’ me
nothin
’.
What do you think I’ve been
doin
’ all this time? You
come once a week maybe.”

“No.
Every day. Please. I’ll bring my books and I’ll read. I won’t bother you. I’ll
keep up with things…do whatever you say. I won’t be no trouble. Please.”

I
had never spoken this way to him. I could feel Danny’s eyes on me, but with
that buffer going he couldn’t hear me at least.

Lonnie
paced around and lit a cigarette. He was staring out the window puffing on that
smoke. “All my life I been alone,” he said.

I
managed not to guffaw, but I found such a personal statement kind of riveting.

“Your
mama crawling up my ass…that one in back…those eyes…like a dumb beast staring
at me. Judging me like…what a damn thing to have to live with.”

I
tried to let all the crap coming out of his mouth go by and I waited for that
yes.

“You
can come in…but when I say to hit the road you get out and don’t you bother me
or nag at me.”

“Yes
sir.”

“And
you don’t be bothering these boys.”

“Yes
sir.”

“We’ll
try it. And I don’t want no whining.”

“Yes
sir.”

“Shit,”
he said and he dropped his smoke and ground it under his boot, and I had my
back to him and I smiled and as he walked away, all the way to the door and he
went outside and I looked at Danny and he was looking back and after a few
seconds he smiled at me and he winked…and I smiled too.

Finding My Thunder 7

Maybe
there was something to Lonnie calling them the young bucks or something cause
they were both after me to ride me home, first Robert as I came out the front
door and his truck was cutting across the sidewalk next to the building, him
coming from the alley. I said, “No thanks, I need the walk.”

Then
Danny once I started to walk. He stopped the purple car in the street, pulled
beside me against the curb pointed the wrong way and him not caring I guessed. “C’mon,
Grunier,” he said.

“I
better not,” I said and I was feeling a little frustrated. Or pissed. Definitely
some pissed. But what I meant was we needed to stay clear so Lonnie wouldn’t
see and think we were plotting. Or they were showing off for me like he
accused.

“Lonnie’s
coming by any minute to get more beer so you need to go on,” I said to Danny. Lonnie
had hit the beer really hard after all that went on that afternoon, mostly
because of that total I showed him. I didn’t think he’d ever added it up
before, well I knew he didn’t, just lived day to day not facing anything real.

“I
don’t care about that,” Danny said.

I
stopped and glanced at the shop. “Well I do. You shouldn’t of touched his
radio. He might of….”

He
laughed like a smart ass. “He ain’t gonna do nothing…but bitch.”

“Don’t
defy
him like that.”

“Just
get in,” he said.

“No.
He can’t see us.”

“What’d
he say about me? I ain’t good enough?”

I
was shaking my head. Was he crazy? “Good enough for what? He hired you, didn’t
he?”

“He
hired me cause he owes Paul money. This is a punishment for me. I’m being
punished. Paul got me this job.”

This
hurt me for some reason. What did I think, he came here for me? What did I
expect.

“Hilly?
Are you
gettin
’ in?”

I
shook my head and took off walking.

I
was worn out. Up and down and sick of it. I walked quick but Danny pulled along
beside me.

“Just
go,” I said waving my hand and picking up the pace until I was practically
jogging. I cared too much about him. I would always be hurt around him and I
didn’t need more hurt.

Bixby,
our local
Barny
Fife passed going in the other
direction. He blared the siren at Danny. That meant Danny needed to correct
himself and get out of the on-coming lane, not that there were many cars using
Main Street around here but it was Bixby’s job to uphold the law.

“Alright,”
Danny yelled and he took off then.

I
slowed down and went back to walking. Lonnie hadn’t come out of the shop yet. I
went in the corner market to buy something for supper. I had the two silver
dollars I’d stolen from Lonnie’s room. I’d been too embarrassed to give them to
Danny that morning when he’d bought me breakfast. And I had another two dollars
I’d found in a cup on top of Lonnie’s old refrigerator at the shop. I’d stole
that too. And I planned to steal more. Much, much more.

After
I’d bought a couple cans of dog food, a pack of sliced American cheese and a
loaf of bread, I tried to turn over in my mind why I was so upset with Danny. He
had provoked Lonnie putting himself at great risk. He had picked up a pipe to
fight Lonnie…for me. But here was the kicker, he had only taken the job as a
punishment…something between Paul and himself. So he was here to be a smart ass
and that was no good.

I
already had enough unpredictable people in my life. Danny in the mix just upped
the ante for more catastrophe. His lack of care for how crazy Lonnie was would
get him hurt. This would end badly.

And
Lonnie, horrible as he was, I needed him. I had a crazy mother to care for and
it was wrong to let so much of the responsibility for us fall on Naomi. So as
much of a son of a bitch as Lonnie was, I needed to make sure he didn’t end up
in jail or the hospital because if him and Danny got into it….

That
evening Sooner enjoyed her two cans of food. I wished I had more. Naomi had
been there and left a pot of soup on the stove. Mama ate a bowl and spent the
night quiet. She fell asleep earlier than usual and I closed her door and went
to my room and my records.

I
was listening to Joni Mitchell and writing a poem when Danny came around. I
shouldn’t be so surprised this time, but he was on the porch roof and standing
at my window and that was pretty shocking.

I
said, “What are you doing?”

And
he said, “Can’t run away now, can you?”

So
we looked at each other through that black screen, and I unhooked it and lifted
it and he raised it higher and climbed in. He carried an album. He seemed
really big in my room, like it got smaller so quick. He handed me the record
and I backed up to my bed and sat down and looked at it as he walked around and
looked at my stuff. I didn’t have much, but it meant something, what I had, and
he went through my few albums and my stack of 45’s and he put on his record, “Fresh
Cream,” so I could hear this guitar player Eric Clapton, he said.

I
got up and closed my notebook and stuck it on my desk. He sat on my bed where
I’d been, and I sat on my desk chair and then he leaned back and took my pillow
and crammed it under his head and folded his hands on his stomach. I couldn’t
stop staring.
 

We
just listened to the music for a while and it was amazing. I reached out and
turned the desk lamp off so he could get the full effect of my black light and
he looked at my peace sign right away and stared at it.

Wonderful
as it was to be with him like this, I couldn’t relax. But after a while I went
and laid on the rug like I usually did, and I lit a cigarette. I heard him move
and he sat near me and took a cigarette. He struck a match, glowed on his face,
and he sucked that thing to life and he leaned his back against the foot of my
bed. We were like that, sharing the bean bag ashtray and just listening and
sometimes he stared at the floor but sometimes at me.

After
we finished our cigarettes he moved the ashtray aside and shifted and stretched
along side of me. He looked at me for a while, and we were just like that, just
looking at each other and the music played.

Whatever
this was, it felt serious, at least to me.

That’s
the last I remembered, and I let my eyes close and I felt this kind of safe
feeling and this kind of overwhelming feeling with him so near, a warmth inside
and a shaky kind of energy, like something got ripped open in there and I
didn’t know if it would boil over or explode or stay put. I wouldn’t give it up
or change it…it was a chance I had to take…I had to allow…laying there by Danny
on that magic carpet.

So
we listened and drifted. And the next thing I knew I woke up.

I
didn’t know where I was for a minute, but my forehead had burrowed into the
side of someone. At first I thought I was lying next to Mama and real quick
realized no, warmer, harder, bigger. My head was roofed by someone’s armpit and
his arm snaked along my back seeming to hold me to him. My face had been
smashed against his side. My hand rested on his chest and it rose and fell and
his heart beat slow and solid. It was Danny.

I
heard voices, yelling from below. Danny was waking up too, and I lifted my head
and we looked at one another. The record had ended but it was making a
sluffing
sound cause the needle was riding the margin.

And
I heard the yelling again, Lonnie, then her wail, Mama, then Lonnie.

“Lonnie’s
home,” I said, sitting up.

Danny
sat up, too, his hair sticking up. The yelling and crying....

“What
in the hell is going on down there,” he said.

“He
can’t know you’re here. Did you drive?”

“I
walked.”

“You
have to get out.” I said to Danny.

“What
are they doing? Should you call the cops?” he said.

“No.
Just go. Get out.”

“I
don’t think so,” he said. “Sounds like they’re killing each other.”

“Then
stay in here. Don’t come out. If he sees you he’ll kill you. Do you hear me? He
can’t see you in here.”

“Hilly,
he’s not going to kill me. Call the cops on his drunk ass. Let them handle
him.”

“Stay
here no matter what. Promise me.”

“I
don’t think you should go down there. That drunk asshole….”

“Stay
here.” I scrambled to my feet and went to the door. I stuck my feet in my shoes
and looked at Danny. He seemed poised to follow me. “Stay here,” I said again.

I
went into the hall closing my door solidly behind me. I walked to the landing. Mama
was screaming at Lonnie not to bring his bar-room crap into her house. He was
telling her to get the hell out of his way. He was really drunk.

I
walked a few steps down the staircase and saw them struggling over a chair. Another
chair had fallen over near them. Apparently he was trying to bring these into
the kitchen and she was fighting him. He was so drunk she wrestled the chair
from his grip and threw it aside but he grabbed her at the back of the neck and
bent her over that chair yelling, “Pick it up.”

At
first she wouldn’t, her arms swinging loose.

“Let
her go,” I yelled rushing down the rest of the stairs.

Now
she grabbed at the place where he gripped her neck, but she couldn’t get him
off. I pulled on his arm trying to get him to let her go. Finally she picked
that chair up like he demanded.

He
pushed her toward the kitchen. The three of us were tangled, her holding the
chair. I had to let go as he shoved her through the narrow doorway. In the
kitchen he forced her to bend forward and set the chair.

As
soon as he let her go she turned to him and grabbed his hair. He grabbed hers. I
tried to pry them apart. Lonnie’s elbow hit me in the shoulder. I flew into the
refrigerator rattling the contents. I cried out cause it hurt. That made him
stop and let go of her. She released him and ripped open her robe.

She
wore a half slip, the dark hair between her thighs showing through it, but
above, the breast, the regular sag with the big nipple, but the other misshapen,
pulling wrong and the deep purple showing through it like a pomegranate under
her skin.

I
gasped same as him. He was already yelling at her. But I couldn’t take my eyes
away. All this year this secret had grown. All this year we had carried it but
I had not realized. I had not understood.

“What
the hell is it?” Lonnie said.

“It’s
you,” she said. “You have killed me.”

Lonnie
looked scared. “What is this?” he yelled at me as if I had created it.

“I
don’t know,” I said.

“…and
everything I ever loved…ever loved you killed,” she said.

I
went to her and pulled her robe together. “Shhh, Mama,” then to Lonnie, “Can
you drive to the hospital?” I put my arm around Mama and led her to the hall so
I could leave her there and find her shoes.

“Right
now? We don’t need to go now. I’ll…take her to the doctor in the morning.” I
knew his fear of doctors. Of life.

“She
needs to go right now. This looks bad,” I said trying to stay calm.

“I
don’t want to go,” she said.

“Shhh,”
I said. “It’ll be all right,” I told her.

“She
don’t need to go,” Lonnie said.

“I
don’t want to go,” she said.

There
was a knock on the door then. I took a few steps to it and opened it. There
stood Danny. He had this deep look, worried. “Hey Hilly,” he said. “How…you
doing?” His eyes were going from one of us to the other.

It
had to be three or four in the morning. I didn’t want to laugh, not nearly, but
there was no explaining this.

“Lonnie…I’m
going to let Danny take us. You stay here and we’ll be back after the doctor
sees Mama.”

“I
don’t want to go,” she said.

“I
need my truck,” Lonnie said.

“I’ll
bring it back,” Danny said holding out his hand for the keys and more than that
holding Lonnie’s gaze for a few seconds while he waited. Lonnie dug in his
pocket and slapped them into Danny’s hand.

I
got Mama’s feet in her shoes. “We won’t be long,” I said like we were going
somewhere cheerful.

Somehow
we got her in the truck. Danny went to the back and slammed the tailgate shut. Lonnie’s
table and two of the chairs were still in the bed.

Mama
sat between us in her slip and her robe with her hair wild from Lonnie pulling
on it in their fight and surely some bruises I hope they didn’t ask me about. I
was in cut-offs and my tie-die T-shirt and my shoulder throbbed and a couple of
other places. Danny wore his usual white T-shirt and blue jeans. He was working
his jaw as we pulled off.

“The
emergency room,” I said.

“I
figured,” he said.

At
the hospital they helped Mama into a wheelchair and I filled out the paperwork.
Danny stood there with Mama in the chair and the nurse. The nurse asked him a
few questions and he answered but I couldn’t make it out. I kept writing and
handed in the chart. Then they took us to a room and I asked Danny to sit in
the waiting room. “I don’t know what they’ll do.”

He
nodded, looking at me so serious, like he had something to say but didn’t know
how. But he reached out to me and ran his finger over my cheek. He must of
heard what I told the nurse…about Mama’s breast.

“Thanks,”
I whispered.

So
I went in the room with Mama and I touched my cheek cause I could feel him
there. And I was ashamed to be with her knowing I’d had comfort when she didn’t
have any. And we sat there for such a long time, her slumped on one chair, me
hunched on another. Her toes in the canvas slip on shoes turned in and her legs
bare and skinny.