Finding My Thunder (27 page)

Finding My Thunder 43

It
felt different between Danny and me, like something had opened up, gotten settled.
As that first morning progressed…or didn't due to us unable to part long enough
to dress and move forward…it became more and more clear that we would be pretty
well joined at the hip until he left.

We
were in the shower together, him kissing me, me wrapped around him like a life
vest, and laughing and squealing and both of us soapy from pouring a whole bottle
of Johnson's Baby Shampoo over one another, when a knock on the bathroom door
sounded and brought our glee to a slam on the brakes stillness.

He
looked at me, soap bubbles on his head and meeting in a point under his chin, and
I can't imagine what I looked like. My legs slid down his soapy hips really
quick and the water was the only thing keeping me from fainting.

"I
will be downstairs," Naomi said through the door.

"Alright,"
I called, my hands gripping his brawny arms.

"Shit,"
he whispered. “I thought you said she was spending the night with someone….”

I
had said that. I thought that.

I
rinsed off quick and ignored his beautiful naked self as best I could with his
hands still on me, holding me from behind around the ribs.

"I'll
talk to her," was one of the things he was saying, mostly to himself it
seemed.

With
most of the soap off I stumbled out of the tub, no longer this big wanton free loving
hippie whore but just a kid who didn't know squat-shit about anything, but I knew
now why I couldn't even conceive of marrying Danny at sixteen. If I were to sneak
off and do that she would lay on the ground and foam at the mouth. She did not
know much about going off to college, but she revered it. And not finishing
high school? Might as well as not accept Jesus while you were at it. She believed
in me.

There
were certain things she did not bend on. She was working hard to be like a parent.
And now she knew what she was up against and I hated disappointing her.

So
I wasn't so grown-up after all cause I wanted to run fast and far rather than facing
her wounded face. I had brought her pain and nothing was worth that. But Danny.

"A
double minded man is unstable in all his ways," she would tell me, and as
I peeked in the hall to make sure she wasn't out there waiting, the stone
tablets in her hands ready to whack me across the head, I ran my unstable
wrapped only in a towel self across the hall into my room. I was looking
frantically for some clothes.

Danny
was behind me. "We'll face her," he said, hoping to calm me, I guess,
but he couldn't. Nothing could. This was between her and me. I couldn't hide
behind him much as I wanted to.

I
didn't say anything, but hurried to dress as modestly as possible, Mama's long skirt,
and a blouse buttoned to my neck. Feet in boots. A sweater.

He
grabbed me before I made it out the door. "Hey," he said, also nearly
dressed finally, the greens not so neat, him not so calm and both of us reeking
of shampoo.

"Go
on home," I said. "I'll see you later."

"I
want to go with you. She warned me about this. I need to speak to her."

"Not
now. I have to first," I said.

He
looked at me for a minute. "Give me a kiss," he said softly.

I
did kiss him then, and he put his arms around me. "It will be
alright," he said. “Tell her it's real. Tell her we want to get
married."

I
pulled back. "You have no idea," I said. Then I broke away from him
and went downstairs. But she wasn't there. The back door was open.

I
walked outside. She stood at the
Canna
garden despite
the cold. She was looking down at the earth there, and I felt a rush of love
for her so strong. I walked beside her and tried not to let myself morph into a
ten year old girl.

I
heard her release a breath, but she did not speak. I looked where she did…top soil.
She saw deeper in me. I didn't want to lose that.

"You
have decided some things," she said finally.

I
didn't know what she wanted so I stayed quiet, but my eyes were on her.

She
clasped her hands behind her back. It was my turn.

"I'm…sorry
you found out that way. But…I couldn't exactly…I love him."

She
looked at me. Oh, it wasn't easy, but I held that look.

"Yes…I
knew you loved him," she said. "And you have given him
yourself."

"It
means something…to us."

"Yes,"
she said, pulling her gaze from me and staring at the ground again. "It is
meaningful. Now you are an adult in your own eyes, doing adult things. What
else do you need to tell me?"

"Nothing…."
But that wasn't true. "Just the things with the business. But I've told you
some." My poor grades at school were an issue, but she didn't need to
know. I'd work really hard to pull them up, but I'd been writing Danny and
loading scrap and cleaning the house and doing all my good works to keep up the
deal with God.

"Well…we've
talked about getting
married,"this
did make her
eyes snap back to me, her whole body straighten.

"Are
you pregnant?"

"No
ma'am." But I didn't know, but surely not. It was just a couple of times and…unimaginable
was like a shield.

"Are
you sure? Because then your life will change. By leaps."

"He
wanted to come with me…but I said no…I'd talk to you first. We just…just this once
is all." Twice actually, my inner preacher said, and I said in my brain,
'shut-up!'

"He
gave you jewelry," she said noting the earrings. But I wasn't sure, the
way she said it. I felt like a prostitute
.

"He
loves me. I love him," I said fiercely.

"Yes,"
she said, nodding sadly, staring again at that ground.

"I
know you think you understand…but…I can't hold back with him. I told God…all along.
You say to be honest…I have been…with God. I made a deal with him for Danny.
I'm trying."

"A
deal?" she said. "What kind of deal?"

"I'm…I'm
trying to do right…except…I couldn't wait. What if…what if something happens?
But that's what the deal is. I'll be good and he'll let Danny make it home."

She
smiled but it was so sad. "Hilly," she whispered. "Come
here," and she put her arms around me. Her hands stroked over my back,
over my long wet hair that still had soap slicked into it, and my wet sweater.

"You
still…you glad I'm your granddaughter?" There was the ten year old.

"Of
course," she pulled me back and looked in my face. "Nothing changes
that. But that don't make this right. You're not ready for this. There is
nothing in place. You're too young for all the emotions…you've got school to
finish and so much responsibility already and now the concern of this young man
overseas. You don't know the future."

"I
have decided it's Danny."

"You
don't know the future. If you make a child…you're assuming he'll be here. Are
you ready to raise a child? I'm not," she said. "Not a baby."

And
here's what I knew. This broken down garden represented Eugene maybe more than
his actual grave. Somehow, what she'd caught me doing had brought her to him.

They
were still converging in me, all of them. But I loved Danny. I loved him and love
always protected, always trusted, always hoped, always persevered. I would not turn
back no matter where this love brought me. I had put childish things behind me.

Finding
My Thunder 44

The
two weeks of Danny's visit home were school-time for me. Naomi catching us in
the shower meant she wanted to take charge of what I planned to do about my education…my
public education, not the one Danny and I had been schooling each other in with
the shampoo and exploration of body parts when she'd interrupted.

She
wanted to set and enforce rules. Problem was, she was too busy to be around to
check on me, and…I was not above lying…not at all when it came to being with Danny.

"You
will not miss school," she said.

She
was right, I wouldn't miss it a bit. How could I when the minute I took off in Lonnie's
truck, books stacked on the seat, Danny Boyd was waiting in front of his house
smoking a cigarette and looking as handsome as a man on earth could ever be allowed
to look in jeans and a t-shirt and a beat up denim jacket.

Naomi
said sin had changed our appearances and that when we got in heaven we would
finally look the way we were supposed to since getting ushered out of the Garden
of Eden.

Well,
Danny was not touched by sin in the regular way apparently. He was the one
human, it seemed, still allowed that purity in face and form that we were all intended
to have when we ran around naked and perfect.

But
Naomi catching us in the shower had changed things. She had pulled us both back
to earth. The result? Danny bought condoms.

And
after I had spoken to her at the garden and he'd had time to go home and say, "hi
to the monkeys," as he put it, he came back, still in the uniform, and sat
at Naomi's table and told her his good intentions.

She
said, "I told you at the beginning what Hilly means."

"Yes
Ma'am," he said. "It's like that for me, too. Hilly is special to
me…she's everything."

"Your
feelings could be heightened by going to war. That's why it's good to let things
settle. She is so young to be…everything."

He
took in a big breath. "Yes Ma'am. But this is before going to war. This is
real."

I
sat there too, but I was biting my lip because he'd asked me to let him have
his say.

"Marriage
is God's provision for the kind of relations you two have engaged in," she
said.

"Yes
Ma'am and I have asked Hilly to marry me. I would marry her today if she would
agree."

"That
would be more about you than about Hilly, in my opinion. And true love is much
broader…it focuses on the other. If you look at Hilly…does she need a child now?
Does she need a husband at sixteen?"

"Wow,"
I whispered, but Danny put a cautionary hand on my knee.

"She
doesn't need me at all," he said. "She's too good for me. I have
disappointed her…growing up…and then breaking up with her before I left. Now
going to war…she don't agree. So far, she's been right about the things between
her and me.

“I'm
not as smart as her. I'm not as…strong in the same ways. She's always gone her own
way…known herself. If I really look at her I think I should leave her alone.
But then…when I did that…I hurt her. Me…I'm nothing but better with Hilly. But
I've never deserved someone like her."

His
hand was on my knee and my hand went over his.

"And
there's more. My brother…you should know…Sukey. When she was younger…I should
of let her tell it. He's been in the boy's farm. And next week he comes home. I
have thought…," and he looks at me and there is a new thing in his eyes,
"…well I went to see him while he was in there and I've talked since. I
told him if he so much as looks at her while I'm gone, I'll kill him. And I
will. The army taught me how to kill and I'm going to Vietnam and let's face
it…I will kill or be killed. And I know from…from standing up to Paul mostly,
but from sports and Lonnie even…I'll do my job. They said that about me in the
army, they said, this one will make a hell of a soldier, excuse me Ma'am, but
they said that. And I've told Sukey if he touches her…worries her in any
way…I'll kill him."

Naomi
and I sat there, jaws dropped. Well mine was, but Naomi heard it all for a living
so she just stared. And Danny, he looked back at her clear as a bell with no apology
in that look.

I
thought of the oil on the stairs again. He had broken up with me. He was a protector.
Too much. He didn't mess around. He sacrificed to protect. Did I realize?

Did
I know him?

I
thought of how many people he'd held on the circle of his protection. His
mother. His siblings. Sukey. Now me. His country. He put us on there and spread
us out and figured us out. I hadn't known of him hurting anybody…just
protecting. He figured out ways…like with Paul…Tahlila…and he took it on
himself to make it work. But would he hurt someone? He just said he would. He sat
here and clearly said he'd kill Sukey.

Naomi
smoothed over the table with her hand. "You are alive in a very historic time,
young man," she said. "Dr. King has been leading us in the struggle
for Civil Rights. There is cause…there is always a case for violence if there
is true oppression. But the message of a non-violent response has been his
consistent message. To become like the oppressor…or worse than him…is a
dangerous thing…a dangerous decision. You risk becoming a despot yourself. An
oppressor yourself."

She
was just as clear as she looked back at him.

He
studied her. "Yes Ma'am," he said. "But if I have to be a…what
you said…because someone I love is threatened and there ain't no stopping someone…like
with Sukey…I ain't saying it's easy. But necessary. It's up to them…or him…what
I become."

"Then
you become a victim of their oppression in your own mind," she said.

"Not
if you don't take it," he said.

"Our
choices shape us. There are rules and laws that govern us."

"It's
more power than anything. Who's got the bigger club and the guts to use
it," he said.

"What
does that solve?" she said. "It perpetuates violence."

"There's
a time for it. Don't the bible say that? I know The
Byrds
do," and he laughed.

"Well,
violence is a last resort, a tragic resort," she said. "Should we
notify Officer Bixby of this young man coming home?"

"He
has to report to Bixby. When he gets home I plan to see how he is. I'll be here
and maybe his time away…I don't know. But once I'm gone, if something happens
or is suspicious," he answered, "Bixby will be the one.

"I'm
not expecting him to give her any trouble. Sukey and me have an understanding.
I'll be checking on him. He says he would never touch Hilly. But…I don't take
anything with Hilly for granted," he said, and right there in front of Naomi
he lifted my hand and kissed my knuckles, eyes on me and I stared at him some,
at who he really was.

And
as soon as we got off to ourselves I asked him. "You…didn't take some
action on Lonnie for my benefit, did you?"

"Like
what?"

"Well…that
day…you picked up that pipe."

He
nodded. "Yeah?"

"Would
you have….?"

He
nodded again.

"I'm
just going to ask you straight out. When Lonnie fell…they think he had a stroke…but
before or after he fell they don't know."

"Hilly,"
he said, "I was nowhere near Lonnie when he fell so if you think I snuck home
from basic and pushed him…I didn't." He was smiling.

And
I left it there.

"But
that about Sukey…what…is he going to come after me?"

"No.
Not if he wants to live…and he wants to live, believe me."

"Is
he mad…about me?"

"He's
mad. About everything in the world. He blames everybody. He's just a twisted
kid. He…he has to get his ass kicked out there and me being gone…he'll have to
make it by himself. I can't…do it for him. My real worry is at home. Mom can't
handle him and Paul…Paul's afraid of him. They're the worst combination…two peas….
Then the younger ones…." He sighed and looked down. "I don't want to
think about him. You'll be alright. You have to let me know. Anything…let me
know."

"What
can you do? You'll be in Vietnam?"

"I
can help you. Anything upsets you go to Bixby. Or…call my mom. I'm not going to
cover for him in anyway. If he messes up they could end up giving him a choice
between jail time or the army."

On
his second day home we got a hotel room in Corning. We planned to spend the day
there, like a whore monger and his whore.

He
went in and got the room and I waited in the truck. When he was done he came
out rattling the key to room thirteen. We laughed about that. I drove down the line
to the right chipped green door and parked.

"Anyone
sees this truck they'll think it's Lonnie and
Loreena
,"
I said. Well I felt a little mean saying that with Lonnie so laid up, but it
was probably close to true.

We
were laughing cause I had him hurry up and unlock the door in case anyone came
by. Really I was all nerves cause we got this room for one reason, so we could peel
off and do it. But I was behind him as he fumbled with the key, and I pressed against
him, my big bag on my shoulder, clothes and things stuffed in there. I should be
in typing class about now, but no way, no way ever. My cheek was pressed up against
his back. "Hurry, hurry, hurry," I whispered.

We
practically fell in that door and slammed it behind us and he went straight to the
bed, gripping my hand and I dropped my bag along the way and fell on top of him
and we kissed and I loved him, oh my Lord I could feel it in the way our hearts
hammered into each other's, hear it in our moans and groans, his
thready
way of saying, “Hilly,” my gasping response, “Danny.”

Then
he broke away, "Get up, get up, get everything off. I want to see you…I
want to see," he said suddenly desperately ripping at his own clothes.

We
struggled with our clothes, ripping, until I got to my
underthings
,
then he slowed down, got to his underwear and stood there, eyes on me and it
took some guts to keep going because a self-consciousness flared up and started
to yell in my head and I had to block it, yes my breasts were small and I was
skinny and I had pubic hair and nipples and all, but he looked pretty happy
about it. I was glad my hair was long, but he liked it all the more, and there
must be some inspiration because his thing…well he took the last scrap off and
there it was all ready for duty, like a giant snake and me turned to stone just
staring. And
backdropped
by an explosion of ugly wood
paneling and avocado, he was still the most stunning thing to walk this earth.

"Come
here," he said, his hand extended, him the other side of the bed so I had
to get on it and walk to him on my knees. He took my hand right away, just
looking at me like I was Christmas.

"I
want to tell you something you need to remember the whole time I'm gone,"
he said his eyes more green than anything this room could
urp
-up.

"Alright,"
I said.

"I
love you. When I look at you, I just…," he swallowed here, "I could
do anything. You make me feel…like a man. I just feel like a man around
you."

I
tried to hold his gaze but it took some strength and my eyes dropped to his
penis and it was hard and ready still. He was definitely a man, but I knew he
didn't want jokes right now, so I looked back at him. "You are that,"
I said, "a man."

"You
think so?" He smiled.

"Well…yes."
I smiled. I didn't know what he wanted exactly…except the obvious.

But
me…I wanted everything.

"Come
here," he said again and he enfolded me in his arms and I reciprocated by holding
him around the neck. He put his forehead on mine. "I love you. Nothing separates
me from that…not an ocean…not a continent. Nothing changes that. Not anything I
go through is going to change that."

Emotion
pummeled me of a sudden. "What if you go through terrible things?"

"It
won't change it. I will still love you."

"What
if…so much could happen," I dared to say.

"It
won't change me loving you. Nothing will change it."

"What
if we don't see each other…longer than one year. What if…."

"What
if's don't change it. Wherever I would go, this love will go. You understand?"

"Yes."

"Tell
me something." It's like he was packing a mental suitcase.

“I'll
think about you all the time. And when I'm thinking…I'm praying. God is over us
both. I'm asking him all the time…keep Danny safe. Bring him home. I'll be at school
but I'll be thinking of you. In bed at night. In Temple. When I'm
driving…."

"
Everytime
I got a minute…me too…carrying you right
here," his hand came up between us, his knuckles nudging my breast as he
touched his heart, then his hand over mine.

"Lay
back," he said. "I want to look at you."

I
laid back and he went to the window and pulled the heavy green drapes over the sheer
white ones. Then he turned on the lamp beside the bed and came around to the
side I laid on. He stood over me and his hand ghosted over me and he moved some
of my hair aside, and he looked at me, and he touched me so gentle as he looked,
not just at my breasts, but all of me. He touched my face with the backs of his
fingers, and ran one single pointer over my brow, then over my lips and I
kissed that finger. He traced down my neck and I lifted my chin, and he gently
moved long strands of my hair aside, settling them along the pillow.

He
drew the curve of one shoulder then the other. Then a single line over my breast
to my nipple, then the backs of his fingers again against that, and such sensation
in me my eyes slid closed for a moment. Then he slowly lowered to his knees,
like he just gave in. He buried his face against my stomach, then I felt the warmth
of his mouth on my skin and the tease of his barely-there hair and I lifted a little
in response. And his hand moved down the length of my arm and he brought my
hand to the back of his head, and he kissed me all over my stomach and buried his
face over my private place and my head lifted and I gasped, and I pressed
harder on his head and he parted my legs or they parted on their own, but he
was there and he was looking and praising and invading with his soft wet lips
and the slight prick of his whiskers and I didn't even know if I should feel
sorry for him or what, but it was making me crazy and I couldn't keep my head
up and it fell back on the pillow and all of a sudden I burst into a million
bits and flew all over the room, then
splatted
back
into myself and by then he was moving over my thighs and modesty was gone,
blasted, and my legs were flopped anywhere he wanted them and he wanted them
wide and he was kissing and stroking me and kneeling in the
vee
of me and looking so happy and proud of himself. It made me laugh but no sound
came out…just love. Just love.