Finding My Thunder (25 page)

Finding My Thunder 38

Danny
was to call on Sunday. Temple couldn't end quick enough for me to get home and
sit by that phone. I was eating the hamburger Naomi had made me and staring at
that black machine.

"A
watched pot never boils," Naomi told me.

I
didn't care. I wasn't going to take my eyes off of that phone.

Wouldn't
you know as soon as I gave in to my bladder it rang. I ran out of the bathroom
still pulling up my underwear and tugging on my skirt. I fell over the arm of
the chair and got it on the fourth ring.

Naomi
graciously said she was going to take her nap and she shut herself in her bedroom.
But I waved my hand at her cause on the other end of that receiver was the most
beautiful heart stopping voice God ever put in a man, "That you Hilly?"

"Hello
Danny," I said.

"Hey."

Then
nothing for a minute, and I had tears and I was swallowing it all back down, the
hysteria or something. "It's good to hear you," I said same time he
said, "Well it's me."

"You
first," I said laughing some.

He
said, "It's me."

I
said, "Well of course it's you. Who else?"

We
laughed, and it was so strained. So I said that, and he said, "I don't
know. I just…I miss you."

"I
miss you, too."

"They
listen cause they want their turn so we time each other."

"Well
it won't get expensive then."

"I'd
say more but…."

"You're
shy?" I said just to goad him.

He
laughed. "You'll think shy when you see me. You get my letters?"

"You
get mine?"

"Yeah."

"Then
you know I got yours."

"
Bein
' a smart ass?"

"Maybe,"
I said, then, "I'm sorry. I'm just excited you called," and I sounded
like such a dumb ass.

"Well
what's been
goin
' on?"

About
a hundred things. "I didn't want to say in a letter, but Lonnie got
hurt."

A
big pause. "Go on."

"I
mean…real hurt. He fell."

Another
big pause. "You gonna tell me more?"

"He
fell on the cellar stairs. He may have had a stroke. I…I don't want to talk about
that the whole time. What about you?"

"I'm
fine. So is he going to be okay?"

"Well…he
ain't the same. He's like…he's…," I got all choked up and I wanted to strangle
myself. Danny did not need to call some sad sack. I'd dragged him through enough.

"I
don't know but now I said it…well I'll write you when I know."

"Write
me anyway. All the time."

"You
really like my letters?"

"I
like," and I heard him moving around and he said like he was close to the phone,
"I like everything about you."

I
didn't answer.

"What
about you?" he said.

"The…the
same."

"I
got you something for your birthday. I know it's late."

"What
is it?"

"I'm
not going to say. You have to wait until I get home. How's it going with school?"

"Fine."

"See
anybody I know?"

"At
school?"

"My
family or anything?"

"Saw
Dickens speed by one night but no…I'll write you about the business."

"What
about it?"

"Oh
I'll write. I want to talk to you. I do miss you. All the time. I wish you were
here. Are they mean to you there?"

He
laughed. "Tell me again."

"What?
I miss you?"

"Yeah."

"I
miss you. I…think about you that time at the airport."

"Promise
you'll never hitchhike again. Not ever. I almost punched a hole in the wall
when I read that. What were you…no self preservation."

"That
time at the airport I was saying…you hugged me and I put my arms around you and
I'd been missing you. You
thinkin
' still of those
times? In my room?" Now I was whispering, keeping my eye on Naomi's closed
door.

"That
night…remember…what I told you? Your hair so long and…your shirt?"

I
laughed a little. "Of course I remember it. Are there girls there…in the
army?"

"There's
no girl but one…just you. Every time I see a pretty girl anywhere it makes me
want you all the more. I think, I got a girl like that, prettier even."
Then it seems he had his hand over the phone and he was arguing with someone
then he was back on again, "I
gotta
go. Just
tell me one more thing. You think about me?"

"Everywhere
I look at that school there is an Danny Boyd shrine. And…that's how it is in my
heart. So…think on that?"

He
laughed some. "I will. You love me?"

"Yes."

"You
read what I want us to do when I get home?"

"I
told you I'm ready."

"You
forgive me…for breaking up?"

"Love
keeps no record of wrongs," I quoted from scripture.

He
argued again with someone, then he said mad, "I
gotta
go. Damn place…damn assholes."

"Well…hey…you
wouldn't…that oil Lonnie slipped on…."

"What?
What oil?"

"Never
mind. We'll talk later. I…I love you so much I can't…I just do."

"Write
me. Don't forget." There was some shuffling then he said, "Hey…I love
you."

"I
love you too. I'm about to die with so much love in me."

He
was off then.

"Hello,"
I said, and it was dead. Damn I had just got going.

I
threw my head back on the chair and cried like a maniac.

Finding My Thunder 39

They
moved Lonnie to the VA hospital in Memphis for longer term care and physical
therapy. Naomi took me up to Corning after school to say good-bye. He seemed to
be on high alert when I walked in. He got agitated. The nurse talked in a loud
voice to him, like he was deaf or maybe in grade school mentally. I could feel his
contempt for her but it was buried under something new. He was trying to behave.

But
for me it was a high-heat look. It mattered to him that I was there. "I'll
try to get up there," I said, meaning Memphis. “I call all the time to
check so…," I went ahead and said it cause I didn't know how it would be
down the road and he was going to have to take me as I was if I decided to
help, "me and Naomi keep up with how you're doing. I'm trying to take care
of things. They…left the house empty but I'm going to watch over it. And the
shop, I'm looking over it all. You…you're not…alone is what…I guess I'm trying
to say. Maybe you wish you were," I said ignoring the tears again that the
nurse wiped from his face, "but…you're not."

His
useless hand was against me again, against my fist, and I took his hand in mine.
His face scrunched up like he was getting ready to say something, but I heard a
curse, sounded like a version of, oh hell. That's all I could make out, and I
laughed, and I think something lifted then, and he was glad I was there, maybe.
But…it didn't matter so much what he thought, I was doing this as much for
myself. I had to be what I said I was for my own good or I would go rotten
inside. Like him. Like he'd been. And rotten showed up ugly. "So do what
they say and try to get better and I'll be checking," I said.

So
Naomi was there, in the background, in the room and she came forward then and
said, "Mr. Lonnie I am going to pray for you," and she did then and
he lay still and I knew we had him on a hot stove, his balls to the sun, but we
weren't trying to hurt him in any way, so he'd just have to endure, cause one
way or another, what I believed, I knew, God had laid him down.

Dear
Danny, I wrote next day, and the next, and the next. I told him how me and Annie
finally got together and I gave her the next two books and she about talked my arm
off over those first two and she'd made a notebook with pictures that showed Nancy
Drew in different scenes the book depicted, and Nancy was really well drawn but
she looked more like Little Orphan Annie than the detective the books showed on
the cover, so that was pretty funny.

“I
painted Annie's nails and she said she wanted to come more but Paul wouldn't
allow her to be in Naomi's house her being colored and I said well did you ever
see a nicer house than this? And she just loved it at Naomi's, all the
embroidery and doilies and pink especially. And the crochet, the poodle cover
over the toilet paper, she about died over that. So we had the best time but I
told her she better not make Paul mad so maybe we needed to meet at the library
next time and she said she'd see. She don't get much time off it seems.

“Dickens,
he lives on the street like you used to. He comes and I bring a blanket on the
porch and we have hot chocolate and he eats a whole bag of cookies. He hates school.
He wants to go see Sooner and the pups and Robert is going to take us next
week. Oh, Dickens sleeps in your bed, but you know that. I love you for that
(and all kinds of things).

“I’ve
got so much to tell you I'm going to have to write a letter like a phone book
to tell all of it. I don't want to take our phone time for all this. Let's just
make that time for us to talk about us. But there is so much going on. Nothing
to worry over, just a lot. Lonnie is settled at the VA. He don't cooperate much
they say. So they're not going to keep him too long. Well the house sits empty
and the other night I went up there…looked through. Dickens went with me. He
thought it was the most fascinating thing he'd ever seen, that house. Going in
there wasn't easy, but
Loreena
had tried to clean it
some. But when she left, she left some old food. So Dickens helped me gather up
some trash they left and we swept. It's like…naked. Just there so bare. My old
room, I guess her daughter was in there for that time. It's pretty much the
same but she took my posters down and I couldn't find them but that's alright.

“Bills.
Oh Lord, you wouldn't believe how many. At the house and shop, just a mess. If
my life was a head of hair I'd have the biggest beehive on my head, you could build
a city of sorrow in it.

“But
the truth, I ain't been happier. When I looked at all of it without Mama and Lonnie
anywhere in the picture and just saw it for what it is, an old house and an old
shop…I thought, these two places been my life, like two goals on the football field
where my parents took their stands and I been thinking and moving between the
two, but when Lonnie kicked me out, I went to Naomi and just got to be a kid, sort
of. It's been the easiest thing. Do you know she puts a vitamin on the table
for me every morning? It's like that. And she washes my clothes, won't let me
do it cause she is real picky about the whites.

“Now
here's the thing and I don't know what you would say…but I got a truck now.

“I
mean…I turned sixteen, this kid from Snyder taught me how to drive pretty much,
but I didn't have anything to drive to retake (long story) my test in so all of
a sudden…I got a truck. Now is that God? I mean sometimes the timing just hits
you right between the eyes. And here's why that matters so much—I made a deal
with God for you. And I think he's just letting me know he's around. I think
he's doing some stuff in such a way I can't deny it to let me know he's got you
in the palm of his hand and he is going to bring you home to me. Don't get
upset but I got to say this because…I am this. I realized it when the truck
came to me. I got faith. Maybe it's not just like Naomi's but it's faith
anyway. Maybe it's just a teaspoon of what I should have, or it's full of worms
or something, but I've got some. I've kind of been steered that way and I
fought it but it's in there just like…well I had a black grandfather. And Eugene,
Naomi's son, was/is my uncle. You should know.

“Remember
when I said Sukey feared the black in you calling to the black in me? He was right.
But I think other things are calling too, like…my body for sure. My body is calling
to yours.

“But
there's more. After I get my license there is this woman…Allie Jackson who has
a shop, a welding shop. I am going to that shop to see Allie. (She told me
after school to look her up for maybe a job. She liked my guts with the
hitchhiking, and I know you didn't, I know, but she did, she took me all the
way home but I already told you that). Anyway, I feel like Dorothy in
The
Wizard of Oz
(thinking of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” the night you held
me…all night…the sweetest thing to sleep in your arms…to feel you around me
like a holy robe…you're so beautiful I could die).

“But
Allie is like my Great Oz, if you remember the story. I know she will be able to
tell me what to do about Lonnie's mess at the shop. I just know it. Naomi is my
mother in so many ways, but she is a woman of heart and soul. Allie has a
willy
.

“So…that's
pretty much it. Wish me luck.

“Oh…I
love you so much my heart squeals inside of me every time I think of you.

“Corny?
I don't even care.”

Hilly

“(Oh…you
are the butter on my corn!) Ha-ha! (but you are.)”

Finding My Thunder 40

We
were traveling home from the VA hospital in Memphis. I had an overwhelming feeling
of sadness, like a trapdoor had opened under my feet and I'd barely found my footing.
But even now my toes were over the dark and drafty opening and I couldn't see
what was down there but it wasn't good.

Whenever
this happened, this bottomless feeling, I hummed and rocked a little.

Naomi
was used to it, but she didn't like it. Sometimes she would try to fix me with her
words and pats but she was driving now. I didn't expect her to pull over when we
got off the highway. But she did, and she said, "Well let's see this
driving I been hearing about."

I
couldn't believe it. Knocked me right out of myself, out of my troubles for a minute.
I got out and we switched sides. She said I couldn't go over thirty and I put my
hands on the wheel and flexed my fingers and wrapped them around and before I
knew it I was clipping down the road feeling pretty good. Driving wasn't so
hard just straight up like this, and I knew this car was charmed. Any time it
had trouble Naomi laid her hands on the hood and prayed and a couple of time
she swore it had fixed itself.

I
let the truth come to me, the reason for the sadness. It wasn't about Lonnie. It
was Danny, but more than missing him, it was seeing those boys, his same age,
in that hospital home from the war.

If
he were hurt like some of them…well I was locked into this deal with God. He had
to listen.

I
told that to Naomi, why I was troubled. That it wasn't about Lonnie, sad as he was.

"That's
okay," she said, the oncoming lights slicing over her face.

I
knew she was well acquainted with sadness. But it never stopped her, and sometimes
I feared it would stop me.

"Being
able to feel sadness is a gift. It's part of being compassionate," she
said. "Some of our most beautiful art…music…comes from people expressing
sorrow."

It
was so quiet now and the wheels on the road and the hum of the engine that renewed
itself like an eagle growing new wings. And she reached and smoothed my hair
behind my shoulder. "Look at you driving this car. Lord…the time…."

"Thing
is…I'm going to be getting my license this week…if I pass. And then I'm going
to talk to a lady that knows about Lonnie's kind of business."

"Who?"

She
didn't know about my trip to Memphis to see Danny off. So she didn't know about
the hitchhiking, of course, and she didn't know about Allie.

"A
lady I know of runs a shop…a welding and machine shop. I'm going to seek her counsel."

And
just like I knew she would, she said this from scripture, "There is wisdom
in a multitude of counselors…if they speak truth."

I
didn't want to say more…but I knew Allie Jackson was a truth teller.

“Dear
Danny, you wouldn't believe. Guess who got her driver's license! Well, yours
truly. And guess what yours truly is now driving? Lonnie's truck. Wouldn't he just
die? I shouldn't say that cause if you saw him at the VA hospital…you'd think
he did already…die.

“But
first I got to tell you…Robert has been helping me. Me and him been loading the
scrap at the shop. If we can load it, we haul it to the junkyard and sell it to
Jack. We have made over six hundred dollars, Danny. I have insurance and I paid
some bills.

“And
Lonnie's truck is running fine and we are cleaning that place up…and out. That's
what Allie Jackson told us to do. She said to sell everything we could before
they foreclosed on Lonnie. She said to get the basic tools and the welders and
fix up a service truck and Robert should take that out and I should bill and make
a profit and pay Robert. She said that is how to start and let that shop go
straight to hell, let the bank take it, it's a dinosaur on my back. If we can
get a service truck going and we prove up, do well, she may throw us some work.

She
wants us to buy any and all materials from her and she's going to show us how
to sell materials ourselves and we'll make even more money. It costs to get distributorships
cause you have to be able to afford a certain amount of inventory and have
storage and all, and I can't do that now. But someday…watch out.

“I
wish you were with me. I've got to get done with school, but truth? School
never seemed so boring or pointless. For the first time in my life I can do
something and make money. I'm not money hungry, but I've not had any in so long…ever…that
to have it and have the hope of more…I can't say…then I go back to school and
none of it seems to be important…none of it really matters…even the arguing I
was enjoying so much…I can't fix this world, but I might be able to fix my own
life some and that seems more urgent than showing up the cheerleaders.

“So
much to tell you. If you were here I would fill your ears. We saw Lonnie in the
VA hospital in Memphis. And Naomi stopped everywhere to talk to everyone and I think
some might have thought she was looking to find me a husband. Do you know a man
will flirt even if he's in severe pain with his limbs missing and his head wrapped
or if he has his leg in traction?

“Naomi,
she would introduce me every time and I was hanging back. It's like she has
forgotten what goes on below the waist she's just always thinking of the heart and
Jesus and all, but holy cow sometimes I just want to shake that woman and say, "The
whole world is not Temple!"

“Anyway
by the time we made it to Lonnie I was so glad to have reached the goal-line I
just was so glad. But he didn't look good and I know he don't like it there.

“We
did see Sooner, me and Dickens and I drove! Annie couldn't go. I met your mother
and she's so sweet. Sorry. I had to introduce myself so I could see those two.

“And
your mom guards Annie and I guess you know that. She told me Annie is a very fragile
person and she thanked me for the books and said they have really been a happy
thing. I didn't know Annie had been sick when she was younger.

“I
did take Dickens and I know he loves Sooner but he was dying to see more naked people
but it's getting chilly now. But I had told Robert ahead of time…make sure…no
nakeds
…no
tokers
…no anything
cause I am bringing Dickens and we're not staying, just saying hey to the dogs.

“The
dogs are amazing. Sooner was glad to see me, but not big glad (like I will be when
I see you when you get out of basic training.)

“And
you getting to go to the beach and see the ocean? Lucky dog. But those girls asking
if you wanted a date? I'm so mad! Prostitutes, really? I've never seen one except
the two in Snyder Town but they're just women trying to feed their children, not
girls working the base. Maybe if I knew them too I'd see them differently. I would.
But I don't want them to make their money from you.

“And
you never seen so many ‘Playboy Magazines?’ Well, I'm not all elated or something
that you're looking at that but…I want you to tell me, but you just
snuck
it in there, that you want me and you're sick of
pornography…well, okay, I guess. But I know you're going to compare me in your
mind. Well I don't know what you see in me anyway. Sometimes I feel like I have
just insisted my way into your life. Like at the airport I just insisted my way
back in. Did I? Don't lie.

“That
last letter…man you hate the army more than I ever thought. But it's going fast,
ain't it? Not fast enough, I know. But just think it's only two years and one
over there, then it won't be so bad when you're home. And you'll come home to
me. I know it. But…am I insisting again? I guess I am.

“I
know I didn't write every day I got so busy in there. I hope we can talk longer
than last Sunday but I don't want you to burn up your money so the minute you
get on, tell me everything. Maybe if you wrote it down, what you want to say. I
don't care what it is I love, love, adore, bow, bow, to your voice, my music.

“I'm
sending you another picture like you asked for but it's so…I just don't take good
ones. But I know you've got to have something. I have yours about worn out.

“Don't
show anyone mine. I mean, you can, but I feel so…shy or something just thinking
about it. I wish I was more for you. More of everything. But I am this and there's
not much I can do about it I guess.

“I
love you Danny
Italiano
.”

Hilly

That
Sunday when he called I was barely out of my dress. I ran into the living room
and picked it up. "Hello?" I said too eager, not all soft and
hopefully seductive like I'd planned.

"Hey
Hilly. What are you doing so out of breath?"

Hearing
his voice made me catch a groan. "I'm…I just got home from Temple and I was
changing into my clothes."

"Are
you naked? Tell me you are."

That
was pretty bold right off. Sometimes he did something and I felt a change in him.

"I'm
pretty bare under my slip," I said then looked wildly around for where Naomi
was. She was in her room changing cause she had to go right back out to see Sister
Beatrice in the hospital.

"I
wish I could hold you in that slip," he said, speaking low, sounding like he
meant it, "and rub my hands over that silk. Is it silk?"

"Silky,
yes. I'd let you," I said. Then I waited, just breathing.

"You're
warm and soft and I still remember how you feel," he said.

My
throat wouldn't work, but I did this loud swallow all of a sudden and hoped he couldn't
hear it.

"I
got your last letter telling me about you driving and the hospital and all. You
say things about yourself…I get to thinking you don't know how I feel about
you. I try to say it but it's like it falls back out of your mind."

"Well…you're
not here…."

"I
can't be there but…."

"But
right before you left we were apart."

"I
still wanted you the whole time. People break up because they're done with each
other but that's not how it was for us. We barely got going," he said.

We
were stuck there a minute.

"You
told me to write what I want to say," he said.

"Did
you?"

"I
wrote a list kind of. Number one…those horny jerks at the hospital…I can't really
blame them. I know you've got to go there for Lonnie…I'll endure.

"Number
two, Robert. He's always let his eyes pop around you and I do blame him. I know
you can't stay away from him with the shop stuff…but he's not the little teddy bear
you like to think he is. And about going to the commune…I know you want to see
Sooner but I don't ever want you to go back there. You didn't mention the other
one…Felix. That is not a good place for you to go. Don't go back. Just don't go
there.

“I
know you'll want to argue, but…trust me."

"Do
you want me to answer now…about going there?" I said.

"That
would be alright."

"I
don't know. I need to check on Sooner," I said.

"Don't
go there. I'm taking up your…life I guess…but I just
gotta
say don't. I ain't apologizing for saying it. I don't want you to go there. Can
you promise?"

I
groaned. "That is so…I'll try, I guess."

"Good.
Next, I know you're handling all the crap and shit stew Lonnie left behind and
I want to be there with you and I can't be so I'm keeping my fingers crossed
for you. You're a brave girl.

"You're
a driver. You're driving Lonnie's truck. Then I hope he's as sick as you say because
anything of his you touch, or anything he's stolen from you and he thinks is his
and you touch, he'll be pissed off. So I say keep his ass down so I can know you're
safe from his revenge. I don't trust him. And…he owes you everything. He's a fucker
and him being sick don't change that.

"Last…I
want to tell you what it's like here…the porn…the whores. I just mean it's around
me but you're who I want…you are my flesh and blood girl. You give me hope
there is more to this life than this
stinkin
'
fuckin
' army. You're real. The realest thing in my life. I
trust you. I feel like I can. I'm the one who screwed up…not you. You've always
said it's right with us. You've been what's right with us. I don't like these other
guys around you. I'm like that. No matter who I see or am around, it's just you
for me. I guess, even if I know it, I want to hear you say that back.”

"You
know it's just you. There's been no one else. Not ever for me, Danny."

"I
just need to hear it. I'm like…I need to hear it from you being so far, and
I'll tell you. I'll say it. Just you…or…what have we got? Just you. We save
ourselves for each other. I sound like a girl. But if we can't wait for each
other…then we got nothing."

"Yes,"
I said.

He
went on to say, "When I saw you at the airport it's like…I don't know if I
can say it…like I walked an aisle and you were waiting. I know it's supposed to
be the other way around, but for some reason…I had to walk to you cause…you've
been there…you're not knocked off track…. And just that quick it's like…I chose
you. I mean…I chose you, Hilly. It was…heavy…it meant something." He
seemed to get choked there.

The
arguing was starting, his hand over the receiver while he spoke rapidly. I knew
time was short.

When
he was back I said, "When you speak I want it in writing so I can read it again
and again. When you write, I want to hear you say it. I…I guess I just can't
get enough. I never can," I said and I was crying.

"You
didn't write enough this week," he said.

"I
got busy."

"Don't…push
me off."

"I
won't," I said.