Finding Me (The Bad Boy Series) (19 page)

"I'm nervous," she whispered.

"Baby, you will be fine. I promise," I said. I cringed when I hear myself call her baby. Realizing she might not feel comfortable with it. So I quickly changed the direction of the conversation. "Do you want me to pick you up when your shift finishes?"

"You don't have to. I can call Tate," she said softly.

That hurts. Really hurts.

"Okay," I whispered.

She gave me a tight smile before climbing out of the truck, and walking into the bar. I was frozen to the spot, both my hands turned white against the steering wheel from the strain of holding so tight.

When it came to her, I was a mess. She consumed my every thought, my every need and I could only lay down and take it. I could not live without her. Even if I couldn't have her for myself, she has always been mine. But now I couldn't help but think that for the first time she was completely unreachable.

Chapter Twenty

Neva

After leaving Logan in the truck the way I did, it ripped right through to my damaged heart. The tension between us was so strong, it's actually uncomfortable. I had missed him so much, it hit me with so much force that I stumbled into the bar, losing my footing and nearly falling on my face.

A warm arm suddenly wrapped around my waist and I was instantly aware of the goosebumps that covered my skin. I knew that warmth anywhere, I felt it only half an hour ago in my dorm. I turned and my eyes landed on Logan's. My skin flushed and I could feel myself burning up. My head grew dizzy and I almost buckled against him, but I managed to get my bearings. I needed to start my shift.

"Sorry," I muttered.

Pulling myself out of Logan's warm embrace, I made my way over to the bar. Standing with a smirk on his face was Dex. Fantastic.

"So, who's the man candy, cowgirl?" He chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I thought your shift wasn't until nine?" I asked, clearly avoiding the question.

He chuckles and shakes his head "Look who is deflecting now."

"Har, har," I said sarcastically.

"Come on, cowgirl, let’s get you set up before I hand lover boy over there a mop to clean up the drool he's leaving on the damn floor," he said, raising his voice so he could be heard over the chatter in the bar.

"Please stop talking," I whispered.

"Am I making you blush, cowgirl?" he said. I looked up and glared at him while he laughed at me. "Oh, red really isn't your color, doll. Hop on over and we will sort you out."

He gestured over the bar and I raised my eyebrow. There was no way for me to get directly behind the bar besides the back door. He seriously wasn't suggesting that I actually hop over the bar, right?

"Are you going to stop embarrassing me if I do?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Scouts honor. I promise," he said, holding up his right hand and doing the Spock hand gesture. I rolled my eyes as he flashed me a smirk.

Sighing, I turned around, my back resting against the bar as I braced my hands out either side of me on top of the bar. With a push, I hauled myself up and onto the bar. Swiveling my ass around, I swung my legs over and jumped down, landing on my feet.

"You know the bar opens up at the end over there, right?" Dex chuckled, pointing at a spot at the end of bar.

"Oh, you're an ass!" I said, slapping him on his chest.

"Ooof! Jesus, cowgirl. Workout much?" He laughed, rubbing the spot where I just hit him.

In all of my embarrassment, I had forgotten Logan had come into the bar. Turning, I spotted him taking a seat on an empty bar stool, halfway down the bar. Crap. I thought he was going home. Why was he in here? He kept his eyes down, not once looking up at me. I sighed. What a mess.

"Come on, I need to show you the ropes." He chuckled.

Dex lead me into the back room. I took a quick glance over my shoulder at Logan, his eyes were trained to the bar in front of him. He didn't once look up. I pulled myself together for the sake of Dex. He had seen right through me the day I walked in here, and flat out refused me saying no to his job offer. It was sudden. It was completely unexpected, but I couldn't feel happier.

My body suddenly froze as we walked further into the back room. The walls were lined with shelves in which bottle after bottle of alcohol waited for their next victim. I was hit with the realization this might not be a good idea. My father was a victim of someone else's alcohol abuse. Did I really want to work in a bar, where alcohol fuels the customers? Wondering if they would get into a car after leaving?

Dex must have felt my trepidation, because what came out of his mouth next, took me completely by surprise.

"Alcohol is nothing more than an aid. You can be as blind ass drunk you can get, but there will always be a thought or an idea in the back of your mind to want to do some of the stupid ass shit. The alcohol aids the thought, it doesn't cause it."

Speechless. What he said made so much sense, yet confused the hell out of me. I didn't know how to respond, how to even process what he had said. So, I stayed silent.

He sighed and picked up a large bottle of vodka.

"Everyone is running, Neva," he whispered before handing me the bottle.

I held the bottle in my hands as he grabbed a couple more. Tension filled the room as we stayed silent, the only noise was the sound of the bottles clinking together as he handed me another. I needed to say something to lighten the mood, I didn't want to start off my first shift with a dark cloud hanging over us.

"I thought I was working with Trix tonight?" I asked.

I hadn't seen her yet. It's not as if you could miss her, really, her tattoos were so bright and beautiful that she stood out of the crowd.

"You are." He chuckled.

Just as I raised my right in question, I heard the door behind me bang open.

"I swear to god, if you leave your shit lying around my house one more time Dexter McDouche, I will actually make you sleep on that bar!"

Turning around, I saw a very pissed off Trix. But I couldn't help but laugh. Dexter McDouche? Surely not?

"Really?" I laughed, tuning to Dex.

"What? You're kidding. No, that really isn't my last name, cowgirl. It's La Douche," he said with a belly laugh.

I sensed there was going to be a battle to actually find out his last name.

"Cowgirl, this is Trix. She is going to be working with us tonight. Don't mind anything that comes out of her dirty mouth." He winked.

I turned my gaze to Trix and watched her roll her eyes at Dex. She was sporting mainly leather. Tight black leather pants and V-neck red shirt, topped off with a leather waist coat. Her jet black hair piled high at the top of her head, loose pieces of hair fell around her face. She was wearing smoky makeup again but this time her lips were lined red, showing off her black lip ring that sat in the corner of her mouth.

"Dex, get your hot ass behind that bar and look impossibly pretty," she said and pointed to the door. Dex flashed a cocky smile and smacked Trix's ass on the way out the door.

"Ignore that idiot. The name is Trixie McGuire. People call me Trix. Now, I don't think your momma would have called you Cowgirl, right?"

"No, you can blame Dex for that." I laughed. "It's Neva. Neva James."

"So, Neva, Neva James." She chuckled. "You work behind a bar before?"

"No, but I'll give it a shot."

"I can work with that. It's simple, they tell you what they want, you give it to them... Alcohol, obviously. Most of our shit is bottled, we don't do beer on tap besides some weird shit that only one of our customer’s drinks. We have a fifteen bottle cap rule in here. No more than fifteen bottles per customer; if they try any funny shit, our resident bouncer, Lou, will take their asses out."

I thought back to the two times I'd been in the bar. Not once had I seen a bouncer. Trix must have caught onto my thoughts when she smiles and says.

"Oh, you haven't met Lou. He owns the bar, but he's built like a brick shit house." She winked. "Well, let's go and serve some poison."

She grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me through the back door, leading me to the bar. It's still pretty quiet, the only noise I could really hear was Dex's laugh as he flirts with a woman. She looked twice his age and was all but shoving her tits in his face. I was slightly confused, I thought Trix and Dex were a couple?

"We have sex," she whispered. I looked up at her with my eyebrows drawn. What? "We aren't together. Don't worry, you're not the first to question it."

My eyes darted around the bar, suddenly wondering if Logan was still here. I couldn't see him. I sighed with a little relief but rubbed my chest as a small ache took over my ribs. I didn't know what the hell was going on with us. It confused the hell out of me.

Then I heard his voice; it's dark and gruff, and was doing all sorts of things to me. I turned and spotted him at the end of the bar, talking to a blonde girl. He was resting his palm on the wall beside her head, seemingly caging her in while holding a bottle of beer in the other. Anger boiled in my body and I was confused as to why I was so mad. This is Logan White. He doesn't fix hearts, he breaks them. Why should I be any different? Why am I even thinking about this?

"I think I saw some bottles outside on the window ledge, go get them for me?" Trix said into my ear. I didn't respond, I just nodded my head gently.

I didn't even bother taking the door from the back; instead I flung my body over the bar and stomped right out the door.

Cold air greeted my flushed face as I stepped into the darkness. I was annoyed, angry, hurt, betrayed. I was fucking broken and felt like breaking further. I thought I was making progress! I thought I was becoming a new person, where demons didn't haunt every thought I have. Turned out, it's all just a fantasy. I could never be different.

"What the hell was that?!"

My feet suddenly moved, and I was walking towards the car lot. I could hear Logan catching up to me as I moved further and further into the night. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to do this with him.

"Neva, don't walk away from me!" Logan spat.

He's
angry? What right did he have to be angry with me? I wasn't the one flirting with another girl. Why was he even here anyway?

"Go away, Logan!" I said, walking faster.

Suddenly, my arms were latched to my back and I was being spun around. My heartbeat picked up around twenty notches as I came eye to eye with Logan.

"Why the hell are you always running from me? I can't take it when you run from me!"

"I'm not doing this now. Let me go." I said, trying to get my wrist free from his grasp.

"No, we are doing this now. Why the hell did you run?"

"We're all running from something, Logan." I spat Dex's words out.

"You still don't get it do you? How much clearer do I need to be for you to understand that I'm not going anywhere? I have been in love with you for ten years, Neva! Ten years. It isn't just going to go away!"

"I never asked you to love me! Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I hate seeing you fall and not get back up. I want to be the one to catch you, but you keep pushing me away!"

"What do you want from me?" I whispered.

"You. Just you. All of you. Every broken piece."

I bowed my head. He released my wrists, and they dropped to my side. I couldn't give him what he wants. I just couldn't do it. I would break him. Christ, I break myself on a daily basis.

"I can't give you that," I said, taking a step back.

"I'm not giving you up without a fight, Neva. You can't just walk away from us!"

"I am protecting you the only way I know how."

"I don't need protecting. What part of me looks like it needs protecting?"

"Your heart," I whispered.

I gulped back the tears that were begging to fall. I could not cry. But every time I pushed back that feeling, it hurt just a little bit more.

"You're breaking it right now," he whispered, taking a step towards me.

"I will break it over and over again, Logan. My nightmares will hurt you, my fear of people being ripped away from me will gut you and my anxiety will create yours."

"I can take pain, Neva. I've dealt with it for the past three weeks. I would rather have the pain with you, than without you."

"I … I..." The words were at the tip of my tongue. Wanting to release, but I knew if I said them, everything would change. Nothing would be the same and I would drag him into the pit of hell where my heart lied and my nightmares were real.

"I can't."

The look of pure pain took over his face as the words fell from my lips. I was hurting him, but I know it would hurt far worse if he were to fall into that hellish pit with me. I wouldn't take him down. He was the only steady thing in my life and I refused take him anywhere that could ruin it.

"Please," he begged.