Finding Me (The Bad Boy Series) (14 page)

             
I paused, my head still inside the fridge. Am I okay? Good question. Am I really okay? I had dealt with (or not, I supposed) years of fear and guilt. I had dealt with the nightmares that scared the ever-loving shit out of me, and only a week ago, I was held against my will by the man who killed my father. Now, I had to move on with my life, live with the fact that my life always has, always will be centered around the man who took away something I could never get back. Am I okay? No, I’m not.

             
“I’m as okay as I will ever be.” I sighed, pulling out yesterday’s left over dinner.

             
I re-heated the food while Low picked out a movie. We needed to catch up. After everything with Logan and Angel, we seemed to have drifted apart. I had been too wrapped up in my own head to actually notice. But now she was here, I could clearly see it.

             
I took out our food and dished it out onto plates. The smell of chicken and a blend of spices hit my nostrils. Pulling out two cans of Diet Coke, I shouted to Low to come in the kitchen.

             
“Okay, Gerard Butler or Cam Gigandet?” Low asked as she walked into the room. She held a DVD in each hand, moving one higher than the other, as if weighing up which would be better. There's my best friend.

             
“Are you seriously asking me to choose between them? Are you for real?” I laughed. I’m normally a Gerard Butler girl, but was in the mood for a little bit of Cam today. Plus, she was holding the tear jerker love story Mr. Butler is famous for; I didn’t think I could deal with anymore heartbreak. Movie or not.

             
“Pick one. The tall, dark and unbelievably fuckable man candy that is Gerard Butler. Or, the underdog. The sexy, too-hot-to-touch abs of the extremely screwable Cam Gigandet.”

             
“Cam, without a doubt, Cam.” I chuckled, rolling my eyes at my best friend. I had missed this.

             
“Okay, you grab the food, I’ll set up the hotness that's about to burst through your big ass TV!” she sing-songed as she walked out of the room.

             
I grabbed the food, stuffed the cans under my arms and went into the living room. Low was on her hands and knees, trying to get the extremely screwable Cam to burst through my big ass TV. I giggled as she shook her ass at me, throwing a grin over her shoulder.

             
“Stop waving your huge ass at me and grab a plate! I’m going to lose these cans if you don’t.” I laughed, the plates were shaking in my hands.

             
We settled down onto the sofa. On the TV, Cam is doing all things hot and sexy that should actually be illegal, and Low is was eating it up like a pig in shit. I was just about to take a bite of my food, when the doorbell rang. Who could that be? It’s probably Mom, no doubt she'd have her hands full of new swatches in a stupid quantity.

             
“Do you want me to pause it?” Low asked, her mouth full of food.

             
“Gross much?” I said playfully.

             
She threw me a dirty look before turning back to the TV. I put my plate down on the coffee table in front of me, and wiped my palms on my jeans. Walking into the hall, I could hear Low shouting, “Yeah, baby!” at the TV. I laughed as I open the door. My laughing completely seized when I turned.

             
“Viv,” I whispered.

             
Standing on my mom’s porch was Angel’s mom. She looks worn out. Her hair was scraped back into a tight bun that rested on the back of her head. She was free of makeup and dressed in sweat pants and a baggy sweater. I looked at her cautiously. What could she possibly want? Why was she even here?

             
“W … Why?” I stuttered.

             
Her eyes flicked up to my own, the trepidation and pain written in her eyes. She looked ... exhausted.

             
“Would you like me to leave?” she asked softly.

             
Did I want her to leave? I didn’t know. Was she in on Jack’s plan from the beginning? Did she know who I was? Angel said in his letter that men threatened her with guns unless Angel did as his father said. Surely she knew.

             
“I didn’t know,” she whispered.

             
It was as if she could read my thoughts. It was unnerving. Did I really want to know what she had to say? She had clearly come here for a reason, I just didn’t understand why. Then I remembered Angel's letter, the pain, the heartache, the fear his mother had to go through just to keep her unborn child safe.

             
“Neva, I came here to give you some insight. I know I have no right to be here, or expect you to listen to me. But, there are some things I think you should know."

Her eyes were wide and glassy, she knew I could shut the door right in her face and never give her another thought. But, for some reason even I don't understand, I let her in.

Opening the door wider, I stepped to the side. She tentatively walked over the threshold as Low let off the biggest belly laugh I've ever heard. Shit, in my daze I had completely forgotten about Low. Once she realized who Viv is, she was going to lose her shit.

"Down the hall and through the door, take a seat at the table," I said in a quiet whisper.

She bowed her head and, with a slight limp, quietly made her way down the hall and into the kitchen, slowly shutting the door. Now, I had to decide whether to tell my best friend that Angel's mother was sitting in my mom's kitchen right now, or lie and tell her I'm sick. I can't lie to her. We had been distant since this entire mess started. Taking a deep breath, I made my way into the living room.

"Vacuum cleaner salesman or time share? Please say time share so I can go and kick his a-" Her head whips round towards me, stopping mid-sentence. "Neva? What's wrong?"

Her eyes searched mine frantically as she got up from the sofa. The fear on her face looked exactly the same as it did on Viv's. Fear. It was everywhere, following like a dark cloud ready to sink its teeth into its next unsuspecting victim. I'm sick of being bitten by it.

"Er, I'm just going to come out and say it." I said, looking her dead in the eyes, seemingly unnerved. But I'm anything but unnerved. My hands were shaking to a point I didn't think I could get them to even
function. My heart was pounding so fast I was sure it was about to combust. "Angel's mom is sitting in the kitchen."

I waited. But, I was met with a wall of silence. Low wasn't moving, it's as if she was frozen to the spot. Seconds roll by before she finally snaps out of it.

"Do you want me to stay?" she asked.

Yes. No. Maybe? I didn't know if I could trust Viv, but at the same time, I didn't know if I could trust Low not to blow up. For some reason, this woman was in my house, and she wanted to explain some things that apparently I needed to know.

"No. I'm just going to hear her out and see what she has to say."

"I really don't want to leave you here on your own," she said, placing her hand on my shoulder and squeezing gently.

"I'll be fine. I will text you the minute she steps out of the door. I promise."

I pulled her in for a hug and whispered I would be okay. But was I really going to be okay? My mind flicked back to Logan. God, I missed him. I missed that stupidly-sexy smile that made you drool involuntarily, I missed his deep and throaty laugh, I missed his warmth when I needed it most.

Reluctantly, Low left and it suddenly dawned on me the seriousness of what I was doing. Angel had practically lured me into his life, even though under his father’s influence, he still did it. I just hoped I wasn't walking right into another one of Jack's traps.

Rolling my shoulders, I walked into the kitchen and silently took a seat opposite Viv. Her head was still bowed as she rested her hands in her lap. I have all of a sudden lost my voice. What the hell did I say?

"Thank you for letting me in," Viv whispered, still not looking up at me. "I know it can't have been an easy decision."

"It wasn't," I answered quickly.

She doesn't flinch at the malice clearly hovering in my voice; instead, she just sits stock still. She's unmoving, it's as if she were numb.

"I'll try and make it quick, I don't want to take up too much of your time," she said down to the floor. I can't help but notice how different she is from the last time we had actually spoken. Viv was a stunning woman, and had oozed confidence when I met her at her home. Now, she looks like the shell of the woman I met.

"The day I lost Faith." She paused, and I flinched. I could feel the fear and guilt creeping into my bones as seconds passed. She was going to talk about my father. "It wasn't his fault. I need you to know that."

She lifted her chin and finally looked me in the eyes, her own filled with unshed tears. That's when I felt my walls start to crumble. She had been through hell, and I was not making it any easier.

"I saw it happen. The tires on your dad's truck blew out. There was a huge bang, and before I knew it, his truck was careering towards mine. We couldn't do anything about it. I knew the truck was going to hit me. There was nothing I could do to stop it. So, I did what every expectant mother did, I shielded my unborn daughter."

A single tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. I was suddenly hit with the realization that either Jack had no idea that it was an accident, or he just didn't want to believe it. My dad hadn't killed Faith because he was being reckless, it was an accident. It was unavoidable.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered.

I didn't know what I was apologizing for. For her loss? For what happened to her? To me? Whatever it was, I felt like it needed to be said.

"None of this is your fault, Neva. What happened that night wasn't your fault. You need to understand this, Neva, otherwise the guilt will seep into your every pore and gut you from the inside. Every day I have to deal with the guilt tearing me apart. I always ask myself, what would have happened if I had just ran far away with my son? Would my son have had a normal life? Would I be able to hear a door bang and not jump out of my own skin?" She paused, wiping away the tears that had fallen. "What Angel did ... I'm, Jesus, I'm sorry. I am not here to try and tell you what you should think, or what you should do. But, the smile he had on his face the day he told me he'd fallen in love? That, was the first time I had seen him come alive in nearly a decade. He loved you, Neva. He loves you. He knows that what he did was unforgivable. He was trying to protect me, and in turn left you completely exposed."

Tears poured from my eyes as a strangled sob left her lips. I jumped from my seat opposite her, the chair legs scraping harshly against the tiled floor. Within seconds I was embracing her, holding her while she fell apart in my arms.

"I … I called him Angel because even though he was going to be placed in a pit of hell, I knew he would never be like his father," she whispered, once the sobs had finally subsided.

I didn't know what to say. I had let Viv talk, not wanting to steer the conversation. I knew that she needed to get this out, I owed her that much at least. I didn't have any fight left in me to try and shrug off the hurt I felt for her and Angel. No matter what he had done, he was as much a victim as me.

"I can forgive him," I whispered into her ear. "But I can never forget."      

Chapter Fifteen

Logan

My mind was a foggy mess. Jesus, who gave me vodka? My speech was slurred, and I was sure I could see three of Tate. Or was that Ace? I couldn't see straight. I sat on Ace's sofa, or was it the floor? I sat on something soft. That's about as much as I knew. I couldn't even remember how much I drank, I lost count after the first five beers. Jesus. The music was pounding and my head was pounding with the bass.

"Come on, baby. Come and lie down with me." A voice I didn't recognize came from behind me. It was soft and made my skin tingle.

I tried to turn around, but when I did, I could feel myself falling.

"Where are you going, baby? I'm up here." Her voice was clearer now, it had a raspy edge to it, and for a minute, I was sure it was Neva. Then I saw the designer 'come and fuck me shoes.'

Georgia.

I jumped to my feet, narrowly missing the cabinet beside me. My hand instantly reached for the wall, I heard my palm hit it with a loud slap. Fuck, I was so wasted. I needed to get home.

"What's wrong? Come back to bed."

To bed? Did she just say to bed? In a blind panic I looked down at myself, my hands roaming my own body to see if I still had clothes on. Shirt. Jeans. Belt. Hard on. Shoes. Wait, hard on? I grabbed my junk to make sure I wasn't tripping from my vodka buzz. Nope, definitely hard.

"Why? ... What?" Jesus, I'm stuttering like some high schooler. "What the hell?!" I spat out, trying not to stutter and slur all over my words.

"You don't remember calling me, do you?" she asked, a smile creeping across her face.