Finding Me (5 page)

Bella

“MOVIES ON THE BIG SCREEN
or TV shows?” My eyelids were losing the battle to stay open, but every night Laura wanted to have ‘get to know each other’ time before we turned the lights off. I appreciated her effort, and the more time I spent with her the more I grew to like her, but I wished we could have our question and answer period during daylight.

“Depends. Movies are more of a social thing, I think.”

“Sour Patch Kids or Swedish Fish?”

“
Blech!
Neither. I only like chocolate candy, as if you couldn’t tell already by the size of my ass.” I chuckled and settled on my side.

“Oh please. I bet Owen likes your ass just
fine
.” Laura gave me a smug grin.

I huffed and rolled my eyes. “My ass isn’t a blip on Owen’s radar, Laura. We’re study buddies, that’s it.”

“Right, Bella,” she drawled. “I see how he hangs on your every word.”

I shrugged. “He’s polite. It’s probably a Southern gentleman thing.”

“Bella, can I ask you a personal question?”

“Deeper than my favorite candy?” I smirked at Laura and she chuckled back.

“Why are you so against starting anything up with Owen? I get he’s older and every girl on campus falls at his feet. But if I were you, and Owen looked at me the way I’ve caught him staring at you a few times, I would be on him like white on rice and I wouldn’t have to think twice about it.”

My brow pulled together as I sat up. “You’ve caught him staring at me? Stop it!”

Laura let out a frustrated sigh. “You’re a pretty girl and you act like you’re covered in scales. When I met you at the library after one of your little study dates, I noticed him tracking you with his eyes as we were leaving. Is he doing
that
badly in class that you need to meet a couple of times a week?”

“No. Actually, he got a B on the midterm—”

“See? I don’t mean to pry, but did something happen to you? Are you coming off a bad breakup?”

I plopped my head back on the pillow. Why was I letting this follow me here? My senior year of high school was completely ruined because I couldn’t get over a broken heart and an irrevocably bruised ego.

My goodnight talks with Christian were a thing of the past. Still, I lay awake in bed for hours, pondering all the possible reasons why the sweet boy I kissed goodbye in August was so distant now. I waited for him to reply to my text half the night until I fell asleep still clutching the phone. I was sure hockey practice didn’t run
that
late. Every day I tried my damnedest not to be the stage five clinger, whiny high school girlfriend, but I was no idiot. Christian outgrew me, and even though it saddened me to my bones, it was a hard pill to swallow.

First period biology lab was not the class to have when you were two blinks away from being comatose. I sympathized with the poor pig we had to dissect. My heart wasn’t where it used to be either.

As I trudged through the hallway to class, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. A couple of girls huddled by the lockers in front of the classroom and giggled as I passed. I shook it off and settled into the seat in front of my station.

“Good morning, Kim. Ready to cut ’er up today?” My attempt to make a joke fell flat as my lab partner’s eyes darted away from mine. The sad gaze she gave me reminded me of the sorrowful look you gave a grieving family member at a funeral. What the hell was the big secret about me everyone seemed to know
but
me?

Kim let out a sigh as she slid her phone to me. “I’m really sorry, Bella . . . but I thought you should know.” My trembling hand grabbed it off the table. Facebook was open on her screen, and ice ran through my veins as I registered Christian’s face and the pretty blonde girl with overflowing cleavage sitting on his lap. I scrolled to the next picture of them kissing. Although, I wasn’t sure you’d call it that. With the sight of their tongues touching in clear view, they were more eating each other’s faces. My heart sank into my stomach. Christian’s new friend Heather tagged him in the picture so everyone he was friends with saw it, including the girl he forgot to break up with. My eyes ventured lower and my heart shattered even more. Christian both liked and commented ‘so sexy’ on the picture immediately after she posted it, around ten thirty last night. I texted him at eleven. Now I knew why I didn’t get a response. He either completely forgot I could see the picture, or didn’t care—I wasn’t sure which was worse.

I wobbled to Mr. Murphy’s desk on shaky legs and made up something about feeling sick and needing the nurse. The second he handed me the pass, I darted into the girls’ bathroom to dial Christian.

It was over, but I needed to hear him say it to have it fully sink in. The boy who told me how beautiful I was a million times a day, who whispered I love you with a concerned gaze as he gently moved inside me for the first time the night before he left, who swore going to different schools wouldn’t change what we had together—was now a lying and cheating douchebag who didn’t love me anymore, if ever.

It took four rings for him to pick up the phone. When the line connected, female squeals and giggles assaulted my ear. How many sucker punches to the gut was I supposed to endure today?

“Stop it, Heather.” Christian chuckled into the phone. “Hello?”

“Hi, Christian.”

“Bella?” His voice bristled with irritation. He didn’t even have the decency to pretend to be sorry.

“Oh, you remember who I am? If you wanted freedom to make out with skanks, at least be a stand-up guy and say so.” I spit out my words but the tears were already falling. How could he do this to me? I fought like hell to hold on to my anger so the hurt wouldn’t seep in, but it was too late. I was cast aside like garbage for all the world to see, and I was the last to know about it.

“Look, I’m in college now. Heather . . . well, she’s more of a woman than a little girl who’s been sheltered by her father all her life. She . . . knows things. I outgrew us a long time ago, but you were so clingy. I didn’t think you could handle it.”

My mouth fell open and I couldn’t speak. Who was this guy? I was his girlfriend of three years, and he made me sound as if I was some girl with a crush he was trying to let down easy.

“Well, don’t let me stand in your way. Good-bye, Christian.” I ended the call and sobbed into my hands. Holidays and summer would be torturous now since there would be no escape. His family lived up the block, so there would be nowhere to hide from the humiliation. Every time I saw him, I would remember how I wasn’t enough—and how everyone knew it.

“What an asshole!” Laura shook her head with disgust on her face.

I let out a heavy sigh and nodded. “The rest of my senior year I was only one step above a recluse. The gossip was relentless since Christian still had a ton of friends at school, and a few of them said he broke up with me when he graduated and I just couldn’t let go. I’d bet money Christian started that rumor. Everyone had all these “theories” as to why Christian broke up with me. I couldn’t walk down the hall without hearing whispers, or come home without weird glares from his friends since he lived on my block. Culver had a good business school, and no one from my school intended to go there. So instead of going to NYU, I came here to get away from it all.”

Laura pursed her lips at me as she lay back on the bed. “Why didn’t you go to UCLA or somewhere out west?”

I shrugged. “Four hours was far enough away to start fresh where no one knew me, but close enough to not completely drive my parents over the edge. At least I’m in the same state. In my dad’s mind, I’m still just a drive away.” So close yet so far described home completely. My new life hadn’t started yet because I was still running from my old one.

“I’m sorry all that happened to you, but it’s not Owen’s fault your ex is as heartless jerk. And if you push every guy away because of what Christian did to you, you’ll never get over it.” Laura raised her eyebrows at me and I nodded.

She was right. I already gave him far too much power. The whole purpose of coming here was to leave all that behind. It was time I finally let it all go.

“Thanks for listening, Laura.”

“Anytime. Who knew asking about your favorite candy would turn so serious?

“We’ll talk about your sordid past tomorrow. I have an early class.” I leaned over to make sure the alarm was set on my phone when I noticed an unread text lingering on the screen.

OWEN
: Hey City! Don’t think I forgot. Pick a day.

No sense in wasting any more time. It was time to take a leap out of my comfort zone.
Deep water, here I come.

ME
: How’s tomorrow? My last class is over at 5, so any time after that is fine.

My phone buzzed in my hand with Owen’s immediate response.

OWEN
: Awesome! Pick you up at 7. Sleep well ;)

The last time I had a first date, I was fourteen—if this even was a date. Maybe it was just a thank you dinner. Either way, Owen wanted to spend his Friday night with me. Warmth flooded my insides along with a few butterflies. I had run away from all my problems, but it was time I finally got away from them—for good.

Bella

OWEN TEXTED “LOOKING FORWARD TO
seeing you later” the next morning and I lost all focus for the entire day. By my last class, my head was a million miles away.

I headed straight for the dorms after class and tore apart my closet for about an hour. Laura was at a jam session with a few friends from her music class. If I didn’t have a date, or whatever this was, with Owen I would have tagged along. No one was here to talk me off the ledge, and my nerve was slipping away with each top I tried on and tore off.

I needed to stop.

I needed to get a grip.

I needed my mother.

I dialed the phone as my leg bobbed up and down. My mom always had a way of calming me when I was anxious. Dad was a great listener too, but after what happened with Christian he was even more overprotective than usual when it came to boys.

“Hey, sweetheart! I just heard from you yesterday. Everything okay?”