Finding Joy (The Joy Series) (Volume 2) (32 page)

I made my way down the hall and turned into my room. Unlike Allie’s room that looked like she’d never lived in it at all, mine looked like I’d never left. High school track medals still hung from pegs along the wall over my desk. I opened the closet door, halfway expecting to find a pile of my laundry in the hamper. But it was empty. However, the backpack that I had used during my two years at UT was propped up against it. If I looked inside, it was probably still full of books from the classes I’d abandoned after Joy’s death.

It was as if time had stopped the day Joy died. Even the alarm clock on the bedside table flashed the wrong time, as if the power had gone out and no one had bothered to reset it. The entire house felt like it was frozen in time, and I wondered why I had never noticed that nothing had changed. With that thought, I returned to the hall. I glanced toward my mom’s room and listened for any sign of life. But the house was deadly silent.

I would give her just a little longer.

I opened the only other closed door in the hall and stepped inside. My chest felt tight. My lungs barely able to grab enough of the stale air.

If this rest of the house was a shrine to Joy, this room was a mausoleum. I turned in a circle, taking it all in. Like my room, there was no sign that more than 10 years had passed. A stack of books sat in the small rocking chair. A pile of Barbies had been tossed to the side of Barbie’s mansion, and Ken was still in the driver’s seat of the pink Corvette. A blue Cinderella dress was flung across the end of the bed. It was as if Joy had just abandoned it all to go out and play. In fact, that was exactly what had happened, and here it all sat years later. Untouched.

I sat down on the side of the bed, and it creaked and groaned beneath me. I ran my hand across a purple and green butterfly on the quilt before laying back and staring at the ceiling. The curtains were drawn, but enough light came in around the edges that the room was still reasonably lit. It wasn’t dark enough for the star stickers that covered the ceiling to glow. Would they still glow when it got dark? They had been up there for so long it didn’t seem possible.

Suddenly, I was exhausted. Being here was draining the life out of me. The last thought I had was that being here had to also be draining the life out of my mom.

_________________________

My eyes flipped open as the bed moved beneath me. I was still draped sideways across it. My legs hanging off the edge just as they had been when I had sat down.

I was no longer alone. My mom lay beside me, staring up at the same stars that had put me to sleep. The room was darker now, leading me to wonder what time it was. Allie was probably wondering when I was coming for her. By this point, she was probably wondering
if
I was coming at all.

“Tell me about her,” my mother said hoarsely. “Tell me why. I don’t understand how you could even talk to her, let alone spend time with her.” Her voice was dry and scratchy, giving away that she had been crying.

 I was silent for a second, wondering what I could possibly tell her that would justify my betrayal. Did she really want to hear about how much I loved Allie? Did she want to hear how special she was? Could she even take it?

None of it would matter. I was sleeping with the enemy.

My mother would never see it any other way, and she was absolutely right to feel that way.

Still, I had to try.

“It didn’t start out this way. I ran into her in a bar. I’d always wondered what would happen if I saw her, but in a city of 3 million, I thought, ‘what are the chances?’ Turns out the chances were pretty good.”

“So I was supposed to meet a friend … Burke … but he stood me up. I just looked up and there she was. It was after work, and she was all dressed up in her expensive clothes, hanging with her rich, pain-in-the-ass friends.

“It enraged me. I’ve never been so angry in my whole life. I introduced myself. I didn’t even lie about who I was. The fact that my name meant nothing to her just pissed me off even more. Never in my life have I wanted to hurt somebody more than I wanted to hurt her. I mean, I wanted to physically hurt her.”

“But I didn’t. Instead, I took her home with me, and I came up with a plan. It wasn’t even so much a plan as it was a vague idea that somehow I would make her pay for what she’d done to us.”

I went on to lay it all out there for my mom. I told her everything I had done. I told her about the emails I’d deleted, the virus I had put on Allie’s computer, and all the other things I’d done to sabotage her career. I didn’t tell her about the topless picture Allie had sent me. Not because I was ashamed of how close I’d come to uploading it to that website (though I was), but because it would only further tarnish the image she had of Allie. The situation was bad enough. I didn’t need to make it worse.

All this time, my mom hadn’t said a word. But when I told her about the school project that Allie had stumbled on, a quiet sob escaped from her. “Can I see it?” she asked, referring to the film I had made about the accident.

“I destroyed it,” I said. “The thing is that making it and watching it over and over didn’t help me like I thought it would. It wasn’t Joy. It was just some little girl who looked a little like her, and watching it didn’t bring her back. It was like losing her over and over again.”

“I destroyed it when I realized that it was only going to cause everyone involved a whole lot of pain. No good could come from it.”

“But I wasn’t fast enough, and Allie showed up unexpectedly. I’ll never forget turning around and seeing the look on her face. She just stood there, transfixed by the whole gruesome scene.” I closed my eyes and could see the tears running down her face, one hand thrown over her open mouth. I could see the exact moment when her memories returned and slapped her in the face.

“That’s when she learned about Joy. Before that, she didn’t even know, Mom. She had no idea that anyone else had even been involved in the accident. Can you imagine that?”

“Am I supposed to want to try?” she asked. “Because I don’t.”

I turned my head to look at her. “I know this is hard for you to hear. That’s why I haven’t told you before now. I wouldn’t ask you to try to understand if it wasn’t important to me … if she wasn’t important to me.”

She briefly looked at me, but then returned to studying the ceiling. “Do you love her?”

I didn’t hesitate. I knew I couldn’t give her any reason to doubt the truth in what I was about to say. “I do. I love her. She’s not anything like I expected her to be. She’s not the spoiled, bitchy rich girl that she was in high school. She’s honest and funny … and she stands up for what she believes in. She has this little sister … not a real little sister. She’s a mentor in that program that matches you with a kid who needs a role model, and she’s basically been raising this kid for the past four years. She buys all of Lizzie’s clothes and takes her grocery shopping. She goes to her school plays.”

“It’s a long story, but Allie has spent hours and hours this month trying to figure out how to get Lizzie out of the foster system. Lizzie said something one day about just wanting a normal home and a normal mom who bakes cookies, and Allie’s been trying to teach herself how to bake.”

“You used to make cookies for Joy,” my mom said. The hint of a smile played at the corner of her mouth.

“Yeah … I’ve been trying to teach her, but she’s a terrible cook. She keeps trying though because she thinks it’s important to give Lizzie some normalcy.”

“Allie’s not perfect, Mom. But she’s not a monster, either. She’s been hurting all these years, too … for reasons different than ours.” I didn’t need or want to tell my mom about all the reasons that Allie hurt, too. It wouldn’t change the way she felt about her.

“Finding out about Joy rocked her to the core. She hates herself for what she did.”

“I’ll bet,” my mom said with indifference.

I let out a big tired sigh. “Look, I can’t ask you to accept her. I won’t bring her over here and throw her in your face. I understand if you’re never able to look at her and see anything more than the girl who took Joy away from you. I get that, and I understand it. And she does, too. She worries about us and what this will do to our relationship,” I said, gesturing between the two of us. “When she found out who I was, she left me. She didn’t want to come between you and me, but I fought for her. And I’ll keep fighting for her.”

“But why, Adam? Why her?”

“I don’t know. I’ve wondered that myself. But why does anything happen the way it does? I’ve been asking ‘why?’ for years. I’m tired of thinking about all things I can’t change … the things I couldn’t change. I’ve been so angry at myself for so long. Why didn’t I stay home that day? Why didn’t I stop and help Joy with her bike? It makes me crazy to think about the fact that I could have changed it all.”

“You can’t think like that. Nothing is your fault. It never was. I’m the one who let her go out there by herself. I’m the one who wasn’t watching. I was the parent, Adam. Not you. She wasn’t your responsibility.”

“Yeah, she was, Mom. I always felt like a parent, and that day I made the choice to be a stupid kid. I chose partying with my friends over her. I’ll regret it every day of my life.” I knew that hearing me say that would hurt her as much as anything else I’d told her today, but we were finally being honest with each other. I didn’t want to hold back now.

“I didn’t even realize how angry I was at myself. But just being near Allie brought all that anger to the surface. She brought out the worst in me, but then, without even trying, she changed me. I don’t hate myself any more. I’m not angry any more. I just want to live my life, and I want to live it with her.”

“Loving her has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And it’s been the best thing that ever happened to me. When I’m with her, I feel healed from the inside out.”

“I wish I felt healed from the inside out,” she muttered next to me.

I felt for her hand on the bed beside me and squeezed it. “I know you do, Mom. And you will some day. Look how far you’ve come.”

I felt her nod next to me. “I don’t want to hurt you, but she’s not going away, Mom. I wouldn’t let her if she tried. I don’t expect you to love her or even like her, but I just need you to accept that she’s going to be a part of my life.”

“Okay, I’ll try,” she said. Her voice was flat as if she was slightly numb to everything. “I’m not a monster either, Adam. I want you to be happy. Lord knows you deserve it after all I’ve put you through. But don’t bring her around here. I don’t think my heart can take it.”

“I know, Mom. I know,” I said, patting her hand. “Are you going to be all right when I leave?” My voice trailed off. I hated the fact that I felt I had to ask.

“I’ll be fine. My friend is coming over after you leave. I already called him.”

“Okay, good,” I said, sitting up. “I don’t want you to be alone tonight.”

“Adam?” she asked, as I stood up.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t want you to be alone either. I love you, baby. Just remember that. I know that I was a terrible mother, but everything I do now I do because I love you.”

“I know,” I said, pulling her up. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her, and took another look around Joy’s room. I wanted to tell her that she needed to clean this room out. It was disturbing that she hadn’t done anything about it after all these years. I didn’t say anything though. I’d caused enough trauma for one day.

CHAPTER 19

Alexis

“I was starting to worry about you,” I said, as Adam slid into the driver’s seat beside me. He had been gone since midmorning, and I’d missed him. More than that, I’d worried all day about him. We hadn’t talked specifically about how he was going to break the news to his mother, but I knew that was what he had planned for today.

He’d finally shown up a few hours ago. I had tried to gauge his mood, which seemed better than I’d expected. But because my parents had been hanging around, we hadn’t been able to talk.

“I know. I’m sorry. I fell asleep.”

“You fell asleep?”

“It’s a long story.” He drummed his hands on the steering wheel of our temporary toy and looked at me expectantly.

“So how did it go?” I asked, with both trepidation and hope.

“It went okay … better than I expected, actually. I think she was shocked at first, but then we talked. Really talked. I don’t think we’ve ever been that honest with each other. It felt good. And she didn’t have the total freakout that I was expecting. She’s says she’s going to try to accept it.”

“Really?” I had a hard time believing that. It was better than either one of us could have hoped.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding. “She says she wants me to be happy. I think she means it, Allie.”

“That’s great,” I said, sliding my hand over to his leg. I gave it a light squeeze.

He laced his fingers through mine and brought my hand to his lips. He flipped our hands over and kissed the tips of each of my fingers. “She’s not ready to meet you though, baby. I don’t know if she ever will be.”

This
was not news to me. That was something we had talked about many times, and I didn’t expect her to ever want to meet me. I was okay with that. “That’s okay, Adam. I’m just happy that she’s going to let you have this.” I gestured between the two of us.

He laughed. “She doesn’t really have a say in the matter.” He put my hand back in my lap and let go so that he could put the car into reverse. “I told her that you are here to stay whether she can accept it or not. But she says she’s going to try. She wants me to be happy … and like it or not …
you
make me happy. Very, very happy.” He put the car in drive, and I reached into my purse for my lipstick and a mirror.

“You make me very happy, too,” I said, smiling back at him.