Finding Infinity (36 page)

I showered, redid my makeup, and put on my obnoxious Christmas sweater that I save every year for cookie-baking time.

If our family has noticed our extended absence, they have the good manners not to comment on it. I join everyone in the kitchen. A bottle of pinot noir is open, and everyone has a glass, except Aiden. He’s sipping on water, which is probably a good idea, knowing how much bourbon he drank last night.

I walk over to him and stand by his side. He drapes an arm around my shoulder, and pulls me to him in a friendly hug. “Is the douche okay?”

I smile up at him. “He’s sleeping.”

“He loves you so much Caroline,” he whispers to me.

“I know. We’re going to be just fine,” I reassure Aiden.

The kitchen is abuzz with noise, and thankfully everyone is ignoring us. “How are things with you and Rachael?” A girl’s got to ask, right?

“Complicated.” He lets out a sigh.

“Hang in there. Her life is so busy. I worry about her, because even when she sleeps she’s still on duty.”

“Yeah. And the last time I checked, I can’t make my skin any lighter, or change that my ancestors were once slaves.”

The shock of his statement is obviously displayed on my face. “Close your mouth, Caroline. In case you haven’t noticed I’m black, and she’s white.” He whispers it, like he’s telling me a huge secret. “Her constituents are the dirty south.”

“That doesn’t matter to Rachael…or…or her family.”

“Apparently it does to voters.” He shakes his head. “Forget I said anything. She’s going to be here in a couple of hours, and I don’t want to ruin the holidays.”

I hug him, and give him a kiss on the cheek. I adore Aiden. I always have, and I don’t care what he says, Rachael and I are going to have a chat. I know that this isn’t her sentiment, and I’m not sure why she would be letting polling numbers dictate her personal life.

Fortunately, Aiden and I are soon distracted by Susan, who wants some help preparing the ingredients for the seafood gumbo.

I chop the okra like the good daughter-in-law that I am, and place it in the bowl as Susan instructed. Then, while the rest of our family is distracted, I slip into Colin’s home office to call my dad. Since Colin’s accident, we’ve talked at least twice a week, but it’s usually about medical topics. I know Colin, or Brad, for that matter, can’t understand how I miss my father. There’s something about the holidays that makes me feel nostalgic for the Christmases we had before my parents divorced. This will be the first Christmas where I haven’t spent at least a little time with him.

I find his number in my phone, hit dial and count the rings, hoping that he’ll see it’s me, and answer.

“Hi, Caroline. Merry Christmas,” he answers on the fourth ring, sounding just like he always does—professional, courteous and detached.

“Merry Christmas to you,” I reply, taking a seat in Colin’s desk chair and tucking my legs underneath me. “I wanted to call today because I know you’ll be busy with Carmen, Sarah, and Tiffany tomorrow. What are your plans?”

I lean back in Colin’s chair and inhale the scent of my husband, while my dad fills me in on their plans with Carmen’s family tomorrow. A wave of melancholy washes over me. Logically, I know Dad and my half-sisters have a part of their lives I am not welcomed in. As he speaks, I wonder if I’ll ever reach the point where it won’t hurt to listen to him talk about that part of his life?

When he’s finished he asks how Colin and I are doing. I’m sure that he’s seen the media reports. I tell him that we’re just fine, knowing in my heart that we will be.

Dad turns the conversation back to his medical practice, and tells me about the new doctor that’s starting after the first of the year. He’s going to be taking over the part of the practice that was mine. The possessive, career-driven, focused side of me hates hearing anyone will be taking my place. However, I’m pleased the new doctor will take some of the workload off of Dad. Without being told, I know he’s been driving himself into the ground. That’s just how my dad is.

We end our phone call on a happy note. I promise to come down for a visit as soon as Colin’s able to drive again. For the first time since our fight, he tells me he loves when I’m saying goodbye, and I actually believe he means it. I hit end on my phone and realize that I’m smiling.
This is going to be a good Christmas.

* * * *

Strong, warm arms wrap themselves around me as I stir a pot of chocolate sauce on the stove. “You let me sleep too long,” he chastises as he plants a sweet, little kiss on my neck. His voice is gruff from his nap, and he smells like sex. I inhale deeply and let out a dreamy sigh.

I turn around, and wipe my hands on my apron. “You needed it.” I kiss him on his cheek, and take the opportunity to look at his face. Some color has returned to his skin, and the dark shadows under his eyes aren’t quite as purple. The lines around his eyes and forehead are more relaxed. Yes. His couple of hours of napping did him well.

“Thank you for that, earlier. I know you still need some time, but I needed that,” he breathes the words against my shoulder.

I wink at him, and turn back around to keep stirring my chocolate.

I listen to him greet everyone, and make small talk. I marvel at how his charisma changes the energy of a room. Before he came in the kitchen, we were chatting about nothing of consequence. Now, with Colin here, the energy is more boisterous and lively. Our family is hanging onto every word he says. He does this effortlessly. He doesn’t bully the conversation. It’s just how he is.

Even Rachael, who has the same kind of personality as Colin, falls into his shadow. It’s amazing to witness.

“Hey Caro,” Rachael calls with a wink. This is only my nickname when we’re making Christmas cookies. Any other time of the year, and she knows she would be slaughtered. “Pass me the vanilla.”

I pick up the bottle, and as I turn to hand it to her, it slips out of my hand, shattering on the floor. Both mothers go into clean-up, keep-glass-out-of-the-feet mode. My mom shoos everyone out of the kitchen, while Susan grabs gobs of paper towels. Apparently, Colin’s disregard for the environment started with his mother. I freeze in position while they pick up pieces of glass from around my feet. Once they’re satisfied that I’m not going to cut myself, they let me help them sop up the vanilla that is making the kitchen smell divine.

I grab my car keys, and call to everyone that I’m going to run up to the store to grab more vanilla. Colin removes the keys from my hand. “You stay here, and man the stove. Aiden and I’ll run up to the store.”

“You’re not running anywhere,” I reply sarcastically.

He leans down, and kisses the tip of my nose. “Don’t be a smartass.” He hangs up my car keys and grabs Big Bertha’s. Now I know why he wants to go. He hasn’t been in his baby since The Break Seen Around The World.

He flips Aiden the keys. “You get to drive her.”

Aiden shoots me a look of horror, and I just shrug. “Sorry, man. Better you driving her than me.”

Colin breaks into a shit-eating grin. I sometimes wonder if he keeps Bertha around just because he knows how much all the rest of us hate the truck.

I turn back to my chocolate sauce and keep stirring.

Some time later, I realize that it’s taking the boys an awful long time at the store. I search out my phone, and find it in the bedroom. I have two missed calls from Colin. Instead of listening to his voice mails, I call him.

“Hey baby,” he answers. “Did you get my messages?”

“Nope. I just saw that you called, and I’m calling you back.”

“Oh.” He pauses for a second. “Okay. Well, don’t listen to your voice mails now. Delete them. I have a surprise for you. Aiden and I’ll be home shortly.”

I hang up with him, and I’m half tempted to listen to the voice mails anyway. I stare at my phone, knowing what I should do, and warring against what I want to do. After a couple of seconds of debate, I do what he asks, and delete them without listening. It’s my first step in trusting him again.

Then, I hear a commotion coming from the kitchen. They’re girl squeals, the kind that are only reserved for absurdly cute baby animals, engagement rings, and newborns. I head toward the noise and see my big, strapping, handsome husband cradling a little brown fur ball to his chest. The puppy is so small that it literally fits in the palm of his hand.

Our eyes lock across the kitchen. “Umm…” He pauses. “Can y’all give Charlie and me a second?”

The charter members of the puppy’s fan club file out of the kitchen, flashing me pleading eyes as they go.

When we’re alone, I walk over to Colin, placing my hand on my hip, and say, “Give me the spiel.”

He immediately starts talking as he clutches the puppy tighter to his chest. The puppy responds by giving him a lick on his chin. “Charlie, he was so tiny, and I saw him eating food that had fallen out of the dumpster.”
And the puppy just licked his face, but it will be my fault if he gets sick again.
“It’s so cold outside. I couldn’t just leave him. Aiden and I ran him by the 24-hour vet hospital. He’s healthy, and I already paid for him to get his first round of shots.”

From the other room, Aiden yells, “Caroline, I told him you’d say no.” Then he yelps. Rachael must have hit him.

I continue to stand there, and stare at the ridiculously cute sight of my six foot, five inch husband holding this little squirmy ball of fur. “I’ve already named him.”

I tilt my head and drop my chin cutting my eyes at Colin.

He ignores me and plows on. “Since I’m a lefty, I’ve named him Pancho.” Then, Colin picks up the puppy, and places him next to his face. “See, baby? We’re Pancho and Lefty.”

Even if I had an inkling to say that he couldn’t keep the dog, there’s no way that I can deny him now. They’re freaking adorable.

I nod my head. “Y’all are cute. But Colin, I’ve never had a dog before. I know nothing about taking care for one. We’re so busy. We’re never home. How are we going to train him, and take care of him? We’re going to have to teach him to potty outside. I mean, where is he going to sleep? I don’t even know what puppies eat? We don’t have a vet. Who’s going to watch him when we’re out of town?” I could keep rambling on all the reasons that us getting a dog is a horrible idea.

But, that’s when he reaches inside my chest and grabs my heart. Colin says, with so much sincerity that he makes me well up with tears, “Those are the same arguments that could be said about having a baby, but we both desperately want one.” How he can pack so much love in one sentence is beyond me.

I get it. He wins. Pancho is our consolation prize because he can’t give me a baby. I take the cute little brown and black ball of fur out of Colin’s hand. The puppy gives my nose a lick with his scratchy little tongue. In that moment, he owns me, just like Lefty does.

“Hi Pancho,” I greet him. “I’m your new mama. I haven’t got a clue how to take care of you, but Lefty here,” I say, motioning to Colin, “and I’ll figure it out.”

Colin grasps both of us, and pulls us into a tight hug. He whispers in my hair, “My love. My life. My family.”

Epilogue

“Where are you taking me?” I ask, for the thousandth time.

He reaches over and pats my leg. “Patience, my love. Patience.”

“You know, when you got clearance to drive again, I don’t think that they meant for you to take Big Bertha on a—” I check my Rolex, the one that matches his, “—three hour, and counting, drive.”

He winks at me. “We’re almost there.”

Pancho wiggles in my lap, and gives my thumb a sharp bite. I pull my hand back and shove a chew bone in his mouth. Who knew that puppy’s had such sharp little teeth?

Colin takes his hand off my leg and gives Pancho a soft rub. “You be nice to Mommy, you little stinker.” He talks to the dog as if he’ll understand everything Colin says. It makes my heart melt.

The man is obsessed with Pancho. In the three months that we’ve had him, he’s destroyed thousands of dollars’ worth of our things, and he got ahold of Colin’s custom-made Nike sneakers. Colin took a picture of the destroyed shoes and Pancho lying next them, and he posted the picture with an apology letter to Nike on his Twitter account. Nike replaced the shoes, and since then, Pancho and Lefty have become a social media sensation. Good press, for once.

When someone asks Colin what breed Pancho is, he replies, “The best of all of them.” Seriously, Pancho and Lefty are adorably cute, and very obnoxious.

A couple of days ago, I caught Colin and Pancho having a heart to heart about how Pancho has to be nice to Mommy. This is after he destroyed a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes that I really, really liked.

The dog is a menace, but Colin was right. Pancho instantly brought some joy to our home again. After our family left, we talked a lot more about our fertility issues. I’ve switched all of my makeup to gluten-free products. I also changed out our shampoo, conditioner, and body soap. We’ve hired a chef who specializes in preparing gluten-free meals, and understands the importance of eliminating cross-contamination threats. Neither one of us eat anything that isn’t prepared by him.

It’s extreme, but this is Colin. He feels like he’s doing something to fix the problem, and I’m willing to support him in this journey. Did I mention that the chef also prepares dog food for Pancho? Yup. No gluten for Pancho either. Luckiest. Rescue. Dog.
Ever.

Having Pancho has confirmed for Colin and me just how much we want to be parents. He’s given us a focus in our marriage that is bigger than just the two of us. I’ve also seen another side of Colin that I adore. Watching my six foot, five inch professional quarterback husband try to compel a fifteen-pound puppy to use the restroom outside is endearing. But seeing him love Pancho when he doesn’t know that I’m watching makes me love Colin in a completely different way. The man is a huge softie for our dog.

Doctor Benson still comes to our house once a week to meet with me individually, and both of us as a couple. She also found a male sports psychologist for Colin to visit with. She helped Colin recognize that he has his own demons that he needs to work through.