Finding Infinity (11 page)

I stop for a second, and drop my head into my hands. “I mean, it’s gotten better since I’ve been flying you up. She seems happier that Jenny now works at my office instead of the house. I know that she’s pleased that my football stuff has moved out of the house too. But, none of it changes the fact that I’m still scared shitless I’m losing my girl.”

Doctor Benson sets the pad and pen on a table next to her chair. I watch her for a moment, hoping to find some sort of expression that will make me feel better. Nothing does.

“Colin, Caroline has been patient of mine for a couple of years now. I’m very familiar with her personal history, and her history with you. She’s a complex, brilliant woman. Have you considered that she’s going through a tough time? She’s lost a job that was her identity, and her home which she built, and lovingly chose each piece of furniture for. And her relationship with her father is strained. Caroline will always struggle with issues of control. It’s something that she can’t be cured of. She just has to find ways to cope.

“In the previous times that I have met with you and her, you’ve said that you’ve made some positive changes to your living situation that have made her feel more comfortable. Give her a chance to adjust, Colin, to these positive changes. She also needs reassurance that she can voice her objections to you without you pushing her away. Losing your temper, if you will. Caroline needs to feel like she’s your equal.”

Doctor Benson stops talking and gives me a minute to process what she’s saying. There’s a lot of truth in it. It’s like someone turned on a light in a dark room. I lean back against the couch cushion and cross my legs. “I think that I get it Doctor Benson. I need to give Charlie permission to be Charlie, and listen to her worries without overreacting. I also need to give her time.”

She smiles a very warm smile at me, and says, with a slight bit of humor in her voice, “Yes. That’s exactly what you need to do.”

That’s not the advice that I’d wanted. I was hoping for some assortment of magical words that would make everything better, but I can live with it for a while. I was also hoping that she’d reassure me that Charlie wasn’t going to get sick again or leave me. I guess that was too much to hope for.

I get to fall asleep and wake up with Charlie. I can hold off on changing her last name for a little while longer, and give her the space that she needs to adjust to her new life.

I remember my dream, and beat around the bush trying to find a way to bring it up. Finally, I just spit it out. “Doc, I’m terrified that I’m going to do something to cause Charlie to get sick again.”
Ultimately, leave me again,
but I can’t say the last words out loud to anyone.

Doctor Benson smiles kindly. “I was wondering if you were going to bring this up today. Tell me about it.”

I think back to the Q-tip lady leaving Doctor Benson’s office. Then, I remember what Charlie looked like when we broke up. I remember her words to me when she told me about Harvard. How she’d said that she had begun fantasizing about making herself sick again. The weight slams up against my ribs, as I relive those memories. I see the toilet seat raised in our bathroom, and the soul-crushing fear that she was doing it again hits me like it was yesterday.

Bile begins to rise in my throat. I can’t do this. I can’t talk about this yet. I can’t take a breath, and sweat begins to gather on my brow.

“Colin, it’s okay,” Doctor Benson says from some far-off place. “You’ve acknowledged the fear. That’s the first step.”

Relief washes over me. I don’t have to say any more out loud. The weight lightens, and I can take a breath.

Doctor Benson leans forward, and says, “Colin, I would like to recommend someone for you to speak with. They’re…”

I cut her off. “I don’t need to see anyone.” I close the book on that subject. “I just want advice on how I can make her feel secure with our new life.” I say it way too quickly. Calm, cool, collected Colin is still trying to make his way back.

Doctor Benson isn’t thrilled with me changing the subject as her face momentarily darkens, but she thankfully goes with it. “You know, Colin, Caroline has mentioned numerous times in our sessions how much she loves hearing you tell her that you’ll love her any way that you can get her. My best advice would be to make her believe those words, every single day.”

Doctor Benson has given me a game plan. I’m going to ask Charlie what she wants. I’m going to quit pressuring her to set another wedding date. Most importantly, I’m going to make sure she knows that I love and will never leave her, no matter what.

I let out a sigh and feel like the weight of the world has been lessened from my shoulders. “Thank you. Now I know why Charlie refuses to find another therapist in Dallas. You’re awesome.”

She chuckles and says, “Any time. Night or day. Will I see you two in Dallas next week for your couple’s appointment?”

“Umm…yeah. Sure. Please don’t mention that I came here, okay?”

“I will not keep secrets from Caroline. If she asks, I’m going to tell her that I saw you.”

“I guess I can live with that.” Now, I have to hope that Charlie doesn’t find out I was in Houston.

Before I leave Doctor Benson’s office, she prompts, “Would you like to talk a little more about you?”

What’s there to talk about? I’m not going to talk about Charlie’s eating disorder again. She says, “The issue of having unprotected sex when you first reunited has been brought up in your joint sessions frequently. I would like to discuss it with you, now that we’re alone.”

Oh, that. I fidget with my ring, not really wanting to go there. “It was stupid. We didn’t get pregnant, so it’s in the past. What’s there to talk about?”

“Why do you want a child?” she asks as she re-crosses her legs at the ankles.

“I want to be a dad.” Duh! Isn’t it obvious?

“Are you sure that it’s not to solidify your place in Caroline’s life?”

Oh, shit! I see this for what it is. She’s trying to bring this back around to Charlie’s eating disorder. I let out a sigh. “All I’ve wanted since I realized that Charlie was my oxygen was to marry her and have a family with her. She’s the only person that I can see being with forever. I’m not patient. Yeah. I wish she was already pregnant with our baby.”
That’s it, Doctor Benson. I’m not willing to say out loud what you want me to admit. Yes, I want a baby because he or she will link us together for the rest of our lives, but it’s much, much more than that. I want to be a father. I want our baby that we made out of love. I want my parents to be grandparents. I want to throw a football in the front yard with my son, and teach my daughter how to two-step. If a child means that Charlie and I have to fight a little harder for our marriage, then so be it.

Doctor Benson says, “I’d like to give you some homework. I want you to really think about the impact that a child would have on your life. The pros and cons. I would like to discuss it with you at our next appointment.”

I thank Doctor Benson for her time, but I sure hate having my ass on the hot seat. This therapy stuff is rough.

When I leave Doctor Benson’s office, I head towards Charlie’s town home. Item three on my to-do list is to move some of her furniture to Dallas. She doesn’t know it, but I’m converting my pool house into an office for her and Brad. The damn interior designer keeps bugging me to pick out fabrics and shit like that. Something that Doctor Benson said in a previous appointment made me realize that maybe Charlie would rather have the stuff she’s chosen.

We haven’t discussed what we’re going to do with her town home. If she wants to keep it for the rest of her life, then that’s fine by me. I can always hire a caretaker to look after it, or move one of her many sisters into it. God knows, she has enough of them. I’ll give Jack credit. He’s got beautiful, smart daughters.

The movers are waiting for me when I pull up. I ask them to stay outside, and let me go in first. I meticulously take pictures of everything that I think that the designer will need. When I’m finished, I let the movers start doing their job. I go room to room, tagging the items that I’m taking. I make sure to slap a tag on the old, used-to-be red chair in her bedroom. That bad boy is going in our bedroom in Dallas.

While I supervise the loading, I send Jenny a text.

Me:
Did you find out anything on my trees?

Jenny:
What’s up with the trees?

Me:
Damn you, woman. I want oak trees
.

Jenny’s just being difficult. This is part of our give and take.

Jenny:
They’re fucking crazy expensive and have to be machine dug
.

Me:
???

Jenny:
I assume you don’t care. I’ll schedule them to be installed on Wednesday
.

Me:
Perfect

Next, I decide to text my girl.

Me:
Hi beautiful
.

No response…

No response…

No response…

Damn! I hate it when she ignores me. I start worrying about her. I’ll give her ten minutes, then call her.

The moving company boss grabs me to sign the paperwork. I’ve asked them to hold the stuff for a couple of days. I’m taking Charlie with me to Los Angeles for the Espy Awards. The decorator’s going to do the remodel job while we’re gone.

I check my watch. If I leave now, I’ll miss traffic and be back in Dallas with enough time to tuck Charlie into bed.

As I’m pulling away from her house, I get a text back from her.

Charlie:
I think that you call me beautiful so you’re sure that you don’t call me by the wrong name

Dear God, she fucking kills me.

Chapter Five

Charlie

CharCol is stepping out for the first time tonight as a couple since they announced their engagement more than three months ago. Rumor has it that Charlie is going to be wearing a Calvin Klein dress, fresh off the runway in Milan. Will we see wedding rings? What’s Colin wearing? Who cares? If we’re lucky, ladies, he’ll arrive in his underwear.

I don’t recognize the person in the mirror. Her hair is hanging past the middle of her back, with soft waves framing her face. The hair color isn’t exactly caramel any longer. It’s maybe a sandy blonde with gold highlights, and light brown lowlights? Her eyes are still violet, but the makeup artist has used some trick to change the shape to make them appear more almond. Her body has been sprayed with a tan that gives her a healthy glow.

She’s wearing a long, pale pink, body-skimming dress. It almost looks as if she’s wearing a slip. It’s been borrowed from some famous designer that offered to loan her the gown for the evening. Apparently it came straight off the runway in Milan, and was able to be let out enough to accommodate the girl in the mirror’s non-model measurements. Her shoes are nude strappy sandals. Even though they have a very high heel, she’ll still be much shorter than her date.

She’s very pretty. If I saw the girl in the mirror in a gossip magazine—not that I read them—I would think she had been blessed by the gods with Colin’s kind of beauty.

The only way that I can tell that the girl in the mirror is me is that she has on her silver infinity necklace, given to her by the man that’s her forever: her Aggie ring. She’s also wearing huge diamond earrings, marked with Colin’s symbols, and an engagement/wedding ring given to her last night by Colin-fucking-McKinney.

It’s taken him and the jeweler over three months to get the ring perfect enough for Colin to give it to me. The only say that I had in the design was that I didn’t want a diamond. I saw the jeweler’s jaw drop almost to his knees as the words exited my mouth. I’m sure that he had to immediately call his real estate agent and cancel the home purchase in Beverly Hills that he was about to be able to afford off the proceeds from the sale of the diamond that Colin wanted me to have.

After I explained to him, as well as Colin, that I’m a surgeon, I think they understood. I wear latex gloves all day. I can’t have some gigantic rock. I wanted a ring that I never have to take off.