Finding Grace: A Novel (23 page)

I did what human beings do instinctively
when they are driven to utter extremity - looked for aid to one
higher than man. "God help me!" burst involuntarily from my
lips.

She knelt at the side of her bed and folded
her hands in a desperate prayer, begging for guidance from above.
And more words of wisdom, ones she’d once heard in a lesson at
school, came to her in her hour of desperation

.
Gold is tried by fire, brave men by adversity

.
She
knew she was brave, and strong. She’d spent a lifetime being
knocked about by heavier circumstances, and this was but a small
trial she had to overcome. All she had to do was focus her mind,
think about all the things she’d been through in life, and remind
herself that this tribulation, like all the others, would not get
the best of her.

Her blood flowed with new
determination, and she rose from her bed.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings,
she thought.
So I will keep the
idleness from my hands by staying busy. All the time.

It wasn't until she'd gotten
half-way to the kitchen that she realized it was Sunday
morning.
Oh no
, she
silently declared. She knew he would be there. So would Victoria.
And despite the vow of strength she'd taken, she just didn't have
the courage at that moment to face them. Him, in particular. So she
feigned a headache and an ill stomach, telling Jack and Alice to go
on without her and not to worry. She spent the next several hours
in prayer, hoping that God would forgive her for her evil deeds and
understand why she had done them.

* * * * *

The next day was Monday. A new day, and a
new week, and she vowed to make the best of things and keep her
word to herself. She arose and prepared to start her day with
determination and purpose. She washed and dressed quickly, and went
down to meet the milkman. Her timing was perfect, as she heard his
approach just as she reached the door. She opened it, and when he
saw her, he tipped his hat and smiled. At least the day was
starting off with the sight of a friendly face.

"Good morning, Mike.”

"Good morning, Miss Grace. How are you?"

"I'm fine,” she replied, taking the bottle
of milk from him. He smiled at her.

"I really enjoyed hearing you the other
night. Have you ever thought about singing in public? Like at state
fairs or something? People would really love what you do."

The very thought of that made her cheeks
blush pink, and she shook her head.

“
Oh no, not me. I don't mind
singing and playing for a few folks at a time, but I could never
get up in front of a big crowd. I'd die of fear first."

He smiled and chuckled. "Yes, well, I can
understand that. Have a lovely day now.” He tipped his cap to her
and left, turning to wave at her as he reached the curb. She waved
back, and closed the door.

What an
idea
, she thought. She had a wild, crazy
moment in which she imagined herself onstage at a place like
Henry's club. Then she shook her head at her own madness. If
someone ever tried to get her onstage in a place like that, they
would have to throw a net over her and drag her out there, kicking
and screaming. She laughed at herself, and hurried to the
kitchen.

She busied herself with making breakfast,
wanting to keep an occupied mind at all times. Jack and Alice
didn't seem to notice any difference in her manner. At least if
they did, they didn't say anything about it. All seemed quite
routine at the start of this day.

After breakfast, Grace and Alice stood on
the stoop and waved to Jack as he left for work. As he went,
Grace's eye - betraying thing that it was - caught a glimpse of a
door opening at the house across the street…and Henry was emerging.
She watched him for a moment. She could not help but look, however
much she wanted not to. And when he locked eyes with her, she felt
a knowing thrill.

Dear God
, she thought.
He's as tempting as
Lucifer himself.

Then she caught herself in that unguarded
moment, and silently chastised herself for it. She turned away
quickly and went in the house, with Alice following closely
behind.

"Are you all right?" she asked as she closed
the door. They walked back towards the kitchen together.

For the briefest of moments, Grace thought
of denying that anything was bothering her. But the burden within
her was too great, and Alice was much too sharp to let this pass
her attention. Grace sighed, and as they came into the kitchen, she
pulled out a chair and sank into it.

Alice’s voice was firm but gentle. "Out with
it, Sis.” She pulled a chair close and leaned in to listen. There
was a tense pause, and then at last, Grace spoke.

"Saturday night, at the pier, I ran into
Henry. We talked for a little while. And it was nice." She smiled
for a moment. Then the smile fell away. "But then..." She paused,
hesitant to go on.

"Then what?" Alice leaned closer, all
anticipation.

Grace buried her face in her hands, but she
only hesitated a moment before she answered. "He kissed me.”

Alice gasped. Then a mischievous grin slowly
smiled across her face. "Did he really?" Her voice was a near
whisper. She paused a moment. And then she asked, "It was your
first kiss, wasn't it?"

Grace didn’t answer, but a response wasn’t
really necessary. Alice let out an enchanted little sigh, and she
gushed.

"How romantic.”

Grace shook her head, almost panicking. "No,
no. Not romantic. It can't be romantic."

"Why not?"

"Because it's wrong! No matter what I feel,
or what he feels, I won’t chase another woman’s lover. I won't!"
She dropped her head on her arms, and let out a shuddering
sigh.

Alice's smile slacked a little. She reached
out with a gentle hand, rubbing Grace on the back.

"Don’t feel so bad. You can’t help your
feelings. And at least you know what’s right and what’s wrong.
You’re a good girl, little sister." She sat back for a moment and
sighed. Then she leaned forward and rested her head in her
hand.

Grace sat up, and like Alice, she let her
head come to rest in her hand. The women looked at each other, and
a little smile began to creep up on Alice's face.

"What?" Grace asked.

Alice leaned in towards her, as if they were
both conspirators in some great secret. “All moral matters aside,"
she said, and she could not keep a little grin from her expression.
"How was it?"

Grace blushed, her hands coming up to cover
her face once again. Only this time, it was a shy smile she was
trying to hide.

"It made me dizzy." She let out a little
giggle that she couldn’t suppress. Alice smiled.

"Oh, that's so sweet. I’m so happy for you,
I really am.”

“
Happy for me?”

“
You finally got your first
kiss. That’s a big moment in a woman’s life. And Henry, my Lord.”
She let out a dreamy little sigh. “He could give any woman the
vapors.”

For a few moments more, they shared womanly
sighs and smiles. But then Grace's expression changed, coming back
to the seriousness it had shown just a few minutes before.

"It can’t ever be more than that. And you
have to promise you won’t ever tell a soul about this. It can only
be between us."

"Of course, of course," said Alice. "I
promise."

Grace sighed a little in frustration. “What
am I gonna do? He’s right there across the street. We’re bound to
run into one another sometime.”

"Go the other way,” Alice replied.

“
But what if he comes after
me?”

Now Alice grinned slightly. “Play opossum.
Maybe he’ll just sniff you and leave you alone.”

Grace rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help
laughing. She was so grateful to have Alice. Much as she loved her
brother, words couldn’t begin to describe how much she cherished
her sister-in-law. If not for Alice, she would be in a very
different place right now, and most likely be another person
altogether. She really was, as Jack had often called her, an angel
in disguise.

* * * * *

Later that morning, Alice took her down to
Maxwell Street. It was a bustling marketplace with vendors of every
kind, with anything and everything one could possibly think of.
What started out as a serious mission of self-discipline turned
into a lovely day of leisure as they strolled through the noisy
market. And through the courtesy of a hot dog vendor, she had her
very first Maxwell Street Polish, as it was called – a slightly
spicy sausage on a bun, topped with mustard, onions, and peppers.
The smell was powerful, and the taste was indescribably delicious.
It seemed a bit sinful to indulge, but she was learning that
indulgence seemed to be just part of the local custom, and she
found that she wasn’t particularly ashamed of herself, though she
did have to laugh at herself for it.

"I think I might be as big as a house before
long. There's more food to be found in these parts than I could
shake a stick at."

Alice just smiled, making a wicked joke
about the food that nearly sent Grace into a choking fit. When she
recovered enough to catch her breath, she mockingly hit her
sister-in-law and they laughed together like little children.

Later as they strolled along, Grace found a
special treasure among the vendors. A bookseller had a stand with
more books than she’d ever seen before in her life, and she and
Alice stood for the longest time, thumbing through volumes both
large and small. Among the many tomes, Grace came across one with a
familiar author's name - Robert Louis Stevenson. It was a
collection of several of his works. She held it in her hands for a
long time, staring at it. Alice came to see what was in her
hands.

"Kidnapped. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And
Treasure Island.” She shrugged and curled her nose a little.
“Stevenson was always too dark for me. A lot of murder, intrigue,
adventure…that kind of thing. Pirates, mad men. The kinds of things
men seem to like. Your brother does."

And so does
Henry
, Grace thought. She held the book
firmly in her hands. She couldn't be with him, and could hardly
take the chance of speaking to him. But maybe through the things he
cherished, such as this, she could get to know him a little
more.

As they made their way through the lanes of
the market, Alice nodded at familiar faces that they passed by. One
was a green-eyed, white haired gentleman that Grace recognized as
Doctor Brown…one of the neighbors from the party.

"I remember you from last night," she said,
smiling. "Good to see you again, sir."

"And you," he said. "You certainly have a
lovely voice, Miss Langdon. I really enjoyed listening to you last
night. Maybe you could play for us again sometime?"

Grace smiled shyly at the compliment, and
the sweetness of the doctor's voice. "Maybe I will.” The doctor
nodded and tipped his hat, then went on his way.

"That's the second person who told me that,"
Grace said, as they walked on.

"Well, there were a lot of folks there last
night," Alice replied. “And we did put on a nice little
performance. Especially you, little song bird. Maybe everyone is
trying to hint at your future career. Think about it.”

Grace just smiled, shaking her head.

When they got home, she found a comfortable
spot on the sofa and tried to engross herself in the collection.
She wanted to lose herself in it, as she had lost herself in so
many books before. But try as she might, she just couldn’t
concentrate, and she was well aware of why. She could not help but
imagine what might have been. It was beyond her control.

That night when she sat in a hot bath, there
were no distractions to keep her from thinking of him, and her
memory played his kiss over and over again, each time sending her
heart a flutter and a thrill up her spine. It was all she would
ever have of him, and she knew it. Anything more would be wrong,
and even these thoughts of him she knew were wicked. And yet,
something within her…the rebellious spirit that lay within… cried
out that it was not wicked to think of him. Her physical being was
restrained from him, but there could be no sin in being with him in
her mind and heart. In those places, she was free to think and
feel. And surely, there could be no great evil in that.

* * * * *

Another Sunday came much too quickly, and
she knew she couldn’t hide any longer. All week long she’d been
slinking around to avoid him, and with Alice’s help she’d
succeeded, and even managing to keep Jack from becoming suspicious.
But today she knew she would see him, and she could not keep from
feeling the excitement and anticipation that rose up. But as she
looked in the mirror at herself, she could see nothing that would
betray her feelings to the world.
Her eyes were a cool shade of steel at the moment - due in part to
the sober grey dress she was wearing. It seemed that the shade of
her eyes often changed with the color of her clothing, and
subsequently, with the mood that the occasion called for. On the
rare occasions for celebration, she had often taken to wearing red
or purple, which seemed to brighten her eyes to their fullest shade
of blue. But this occasion called for a calm, cool appearance, and
the ashen dress with its simple lace trim seemed the best for that
effect. She lifted her chin in a proud and determined manner,
straightened her shoulders, and left the room to join Jack and
Alice.

When they arrived at church that morning,
they all made the usual greetings and such. The pastor seemed very
pleased to see Grace, and requested that she take a place in the
choir.