Final Score: Part One (Game On #5) (15 page)

My stomach tightened at the coldness in his words, making me realise that my earlier thought was correct. If our relationship ended, I’d have one hell of a fight on my hands.

“Please can you just think about it?” I asked. “It wouldn’t be forever. Just two weeks and we’ll be back.”

He shook his head. “I don’t need to think about it, Leah. What difference would it make anyway? If you leave, how are we ever going to make this work? How can we sort this out if you’re not here? If you go, you’ll come back to the same mess.”

“This isn’t a problem with us, Radleigh. It’s a problem with you. I know how I feel. I know I want you here, and I want to marry you and I want everything we’ve planned. But you no longer know what you want. Not really. And while you’re out getting photographed with Jen, I have to deal with the aftermath, with people outside the house asking how I feel and if you’re coming back. And I’m doing my best to be okay with that, and to be okay with you spending time with her, but it’s not okay. Every time I see another photo, I feel like you’re taking another step away from me. And I know I told you to go. I know that. But until you know what you want, it wouldn’t matter whether you were here or at your parents’ place. We’d still have issues. I just think it would be better for me and Jessica to not be here for a while.”

We’d taken Jessica to the UK for her first Christmas, to spend it with my family, and now she was a little older, I envisioned taking her to the beaches I used to play on when I was a child and showing her the quirky little sights of the English countryside. Of course, she wouldn’t remember it, but I wanted her to feel that the UK was a part of her, even if she never lived there. And on a selfish note, I wanted to be around my family while the rest of my life was slowly falling apart. I wanted to be somewhere quiet and paparazzi free. Just talking to Josh had made me feel a million times less stressed. To be near him and Chrissie and the kids, and to spend some time with my parents, would do us the world of good.

Radleigh stalked towards me, stopping directly in front of me, his eyes blazing. “I am not letting you take her. End of story. Conversation closed.”

I gritted my teeth, trying to stop the disappointment and frustration flooding out of me. I knew all along what his response would be but somewhere in the depths on my mind I’d hoped he’d understand and be okay with it. I’d fooled myself into thinking he might let us go because staying was too damn hard.

I could have chosen to go alone. But not only did the idea of being without Jessica for two weeks cripple me, if I left, she’d be at Mitch and Deanna’s and be subjected to regular doses of Jen. If Jessica didn’t go, I wouldn’t go.

“If you want to spend some time with Jessica, she’s upstairs.” She’d taken a nap and I’d left her slowly waking up while I went to talk to Radleigh. I was glad for it, because maybe he’d stay upstairs with her and I wouldn’t have to look at him while I tried to deal with my feelings.

As I started to walk towards the kitchen, Radleigh said, “You don’t get to control everything, Leah. I still get a say in where our daughter goes.”

“I’m fully aware of that, Radleigh,” I said without turning around. “That’s why I didn’t just take her. Unlike you, I’m still trying to communicate.”

I continued walking towards the kitchen but my breath was stolen as he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall, my back slamming against it, his fingers digging into my shoulders. I glared up at him, trying to even out my breathing. “Let. Go. Now.”

His hard body pressed against me as his eyes stared into mine. I lifted my hands and pushed against his solid chest. Unable to shift him, I said, “I’m not playing around here. You hurt me before when you started throwing your weight around. If you don’t let go of me right now, I will have no problem screaming until the security outside run in here and take you away. You fucking bruise me again, and I will call the police.”

After another second of glaring at me, Radleigh slowly loosened his grip, and just when I thought I was free, he came at me again, his hands in my hair and his lips pushing against mine in a heart-stopping kiss. I struggled to push him off, anger still riding my bloodstream.

“Are you kidding me?” I gasped as I managed to pull away from him. “Get off!”

Instead of doing as I asked, one hand snuck down my side to my skirt and began to slide it up my leg. His weight had me pinned against the wall and I yelled, “Stop!”

Radleigh’s mouth was hot on mine as he kissed me again, and the rage coursing through my veins made my breath come out in short, sharp bursts, so much so that I couldn’t gain enough to tell him again to get away from me. He pushed my skirt up and his fingers curled around the top of my knickers. The brush of his fingers on my hips caused my breath to stutter again and he laughed.

“You don’t want me to stop.” His breath on my neck tickled and caused a shiver to run through me. I wouldn’t let him be right. I wouldn’t want him. Wouldn’t want this.

“Come on, Leah,” he whispered as his hands pushed the thin material down my thighs. “Admit it.”

“I want you to leave,” I said as firmly as I could. It was getting harder as his lips found my neck and blazed a path down to my shoulder.

“No. You don’t.” Keeping me firmly pressed into the wall, he unzipped his jeans and pushed them down along with his boxers then lifted one of my legs up, holding it in place around his hip. “Say it again, Leah. Tell me you want me to go, and I will.”

His eyes found mine again and I hated him. Hated myself. Hated everything. When I didn’t speak, he slammed inside me, making me cry out. I had no choice but to wind my arms around his neck to keep me upright as he roughly pushed inside me, my back hitting the wall with each thrust.

“I fucking hate you,” I growled as pleasure began to radiate from my core. Sweat began to build on my skin as the intensity built and he moved faster, making me grip him harder until his body jerked forwards and he cursed out loud. My own release followed and as soon as he loosened his hold on me I fell to the floor, my body weak.

“Thank you, Leah.”

His tone was smug, and I didn’t look up as I heard him pull his jeans back up, and then his footsteps padded along the hallway and up the stairs.

I’d been used. His words told me so. He may or may not have been thinking of me as he screwed me against the wall but that build up of tension wasn’t just about me. This was him telling me he needed a release. Because of her. Because of me. Because of this fucked up situation.

I wanted to shower. Wanted to wash any evidence of that away because I wanted no memory of it. It wasn’t the first time we’d had a quickie in the hallway, but it was the first time I’d ever felt empty afterwards. The first time I’d felt nothing but selfishness from him. And yeah, I’d needed it too, but I’d hoped, somewhere deep down, that I’d feel something from the man I was in love with him.

There was nothing.

I knew he wasn’t completely gone, but he really was doing what I’d asked of him. He was considering his options.

Blowing out a slow breath to stop myself from crying, I reminded myself of all the reasons I’d asked for this break. No matter how much my life would be torn apart if he chose her, it was better to know now, before I took a walk down the aisle and ended up married and divorced within a year.

That thought was little comfort to me, but I tried to suppress the growing ache inside me and stood up. At least if Radleigh was taking care of Jessica, I could scrub myself clean and try to pretend it never happened.

Chapter Fourteen – I Want To Go Back

“Leah. Something’s happened.”

Those were the words that changed the course of my day. Pulled me out of my own self-pity. Radleigh had gone home again, left with barely a word, and Jessica was asleep again.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, a shiver running through me at the tone of Bryce’s voice.

“It’s Bree. Jude called me and asked me to talk to you and Freya because Bree is asking for you. She’s… she’s had a miscarriage.”

The air in the room seemed to still and my body turned cold. “No. Please… please tell me this didn’t happen.”

“I’m sorry, Leah. I hate that I had to do this but Jude was not up for making the calls. He just asked me to get you and Freya to the hospital as soon as possible because Bree wants you both there.”

What a day. What a messed up, awful day. I licked my lips to moisten them but my whole mouth had gone dry. “Oh God. Bryce, I want to go, but Jessica’s in bed and I…” How was I supposed to tell him I couldn’t call Radleigh after what had happened earlier? I wanted,
needed
, to be at Bree’s side, but Radleigh was probably out with Jen anyway.

“You don’t want to ask Radleigh to take care of her,” Bryce finished, but he didn’t sound judgemental. He sounded like he understood, which then made me wonder if he already knew what happened earlier.

Shaking my head, I said, “No.”

“I’ll watch her for you. I think it’s important that you go to Bree, though.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you. That would be amazing.”

“I’ll be there in thirty minutes. Sooner if I can.”

As we hung up, I stood on shaky legs and ran upstairs to change out of my lazy clothes and into something a bit less chavvy. I threw on a clean pair of jeans and a black long-sleeved top to try and stave off some of the chill that still gripped my body.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Just a day ago Bree and I had chatted about our children growing up together and now it had all ground to a halt. I blinked back the tears because I couldn’t be a mess in front of her. I had to hold it together until I got home again. A tugging sensation in my heart took me to Jessica’s room and just as I often did, I stood by her crib and watched her sleep. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. From the second I knew she was growing inside me, I couldn’t imagine being without her. How must it feel to have that ripped away from you without reason? To have that life you created snatched away before it had had a chance to come into the world?

It wasn’t fair. Bree had been through enough in her life. Why now, just when everything was beginning to work out for her?

With a sigh, I leaned down and kissed my baby girl’s cheek. “I love you, sweetheart,” I whispered. “Mummy will be home again real soon, and until then, Uncle Bryce will be here.”

She was in safe hands. Jessica loved Bryce, and he loved her right back. It was no surprise he had three children, and I would have bet good money that if he found the right woman, he might have a couple more.

With one last look at Jessica, I sighed and headed back downstairs, trying to figure out what I was going to say when I saw Bree.

**

That creepy clinical smell all hospitals have threatened to choke me as Freya and I wandered down the corridors to find Bree’s room. Neither of us spoke, we just gave each other a look of understanding, and when we saw Jude sitting on a chair outside what I assumed was Bree’s room, Freya and I drew in a collective breath.

Jude looked up at the sound of our footsteps, his eyes red-rimmed. That was all it took for Freya to break down, and I had to swallow back my own tears as she hugged him and he sobbed into her shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, Jude,” Freya said, holding him tightly.

“I don’t know what to do, Freya,” Jude said, holding her back just as hard. “She won’t see me. She doesn’t want me here.”

My heart fractured in my chest at the sound of his pain. I wasn’t sure why Bree wouldn’t have wanted him there, but I did know that the echo of his cries made me ache and I wished I could take this away for him, for both of them. I stepped towards them and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“She will want you here,” I promised him. “Just give her some time.”

He let go of Freya and turned to me. “How much time? I can’t do this on my own.”

“You’re not on your own. Until Bree is ready, talk to us, talk to Richard, talk to Bryce. Just hang in there. You know her better than anyone. You know she’s going to need to process before she faces what’s happened. We’re all here for both of you.”

Jude nodded and brushed away his tears with the back of his hand. “I know. I just feel so useless.”

“You’re not useless,” Freya said. “You’re here, and even if she’s not ready to talk to you yet, she knows that. And that will mean everything to her.”

“I guess.” He straightened his shoulders and sighed. “Go see her. Maybe she’ll open up to you guys.”

Freya and I exchanged a look of apprehension, and then took the few steps towards Bree’s room. When we entered, we found Bree lying on her back in bed, staring up at the ceiling, her hair fanned out on the pillow like a halo. Again, Freya and I looked at each other, unsure what to say, or if we should say anything and just leave her be.

But she’d asked for us. Jude told Bryce she’d asked for us.

Tentatively, we walked towards the bed. Bree didn’t move but I knew she knew we were there because as we got closer, her eyes filled with tears. She blinked as they dripped down her cheeks and onto her pillow.

“Do you know that ten to twenty percent of pregnancies end in a miscarriage?” Bree’s voice didn’t sound right. Her usual singsong tone was now flat and lifeless. “I read that once. Before I got pregnant. Seems like such a small number. I remember thinking that that meant eighty to ninety percent of pregnancies are successful. But now? Now ten to twenty percent seems like a lot. With all the people there are in the world, that is a lot of miscarriages.”

I shifted my eyes to Freya, who had tears in her eyes at the sight and sound of our friend so dejected. So lacking in sparkle.

“It’s all okay,” Bree went on, still not moving her gaze from the ceiling. “I’ll be okay. Maybe I… maybe it just wasn’t the right time for me to be a mom.”

She squeezed her eyes closed as her tears fell faster and Freya and I hurried forwards and sat on her bed beside her. I grabbed her hand and she gripped it tightly.

“You
will
be okay,” Freya said, brushing a strand of hair from Bree’s cheek. “But right now, it’s okay if you’re not.”

Bree shook her head, her eyes still closed. “I can’t do anything right, can I? I’m just a stupid airhead who can’t even carry a baby inside me without losing it.”

“Babe, no,” I said, as more cracks formed in my heart. “This isn’t your fault. You’re not stupid and you didn’t do anything wrong.”

She’d come a long way in the past year, but just like me, just like everyone, when something came along to shake the security she thought she had, every insecurity that had ever existed came rushing back. For her, it was the constant feeling people thought she was dumb. That she would never amount to anything. That she’d only have what other people had given her. Knowing she felt this way again after working so damn hard to prove everyone wrong made me want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her until she remembered how much she was worth.

But she refused to move. She stayed in the same position. Unwilling to sit up or open her eyes to look at us.

“Does Jude hate me?” she asked, weakly.

“Hate you?” Freya said. “Honey, he’s outside this room freaking out because you don’t want to see him.”

“I can’t see him!” Bree snapped. “All we talked about for the last few months was us starting a family, and now I’ve taken that from him. How can I expect him to forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive. He doesn’t blame you, and you shouldn’t blame yourself either.”

“Freya’s right,” I added. “This awful thing has happened, but please don’t think you’re responsible in any way.”

“Everything happens for a reason, right?”

“I don’t believe that. Sometimes crappy things happen for no reason at all.”
Like miscarriages, and freak storms that kill the people you love and exes turning up out of the blue to throw your life in to disarray.
“What possible reason could there be for this?”

“Maybe the universe is trying to correct itself. Maybe I should never have had everything I have now. So it’s trying to take it all away. Starting with my baby.”

Freya glanced at me over her shoulder and I bit my lip, trying not to cry. The very British part of me wanted to bark at her and tell her to get a grip. But I knew what she meant. I’d pondered the same things recently and I hated that now she was going through it too.

The fear of losing someone, of losing everything, comes at you in a rush of panic. It’s like you’re trying to stay calm, but the what ifs crash over you, and the worst outcomes possible feel real and so close that they start to suffocate you. I wondered how long she’d been sat in that room, working herself up into this state. All I knew was the limited information I’d gotten from Bryce. Not that it mattered. This was where we’d come in. This was what we had to try to heal. An aching heart and a gaping wound that was rapidly being filled by everything Bree hated about herself.

“Bree,” I said, gently. “I’m not going to try telling you you’re wrong right now. Right now you need to feel whatever you feel, even though it hurts. But I am going to tell you that there’s a man outside this door who loves you more than anything else in the world. And whatever you’re telling yourself right now, however mixed up and inaccurate, he is going to keep on standing outside that door until you let him in and tell him what you’re feeling. And when you do, he will tell you what you already know deep inside. He loves you and that isn’t going to change. Ever. And we love you too. We’ll be here as long as you need us to be.”

Slowly, Bree’s eyes opened, and the pain in them made the tears I’d tried to stop spill down my face. “I want to go back,” she said, her voice cracking. “I want to go back to yesterday when I was still pregnant. When everything was good. I want my baby back.”

Unable to speak myself, Freya stepped in for me. “Honey, if we could make that happen, we would.”

“I know.”

“What we can do for you is be here until it hurts a little less.”

Bree nodded and tried to smile. “I’d like that.”

What followed was two hours of tears and talking. There was no way Freya and I could heal her suffering in that time. My girl had wanted to be a mum so badly, partly, I thought, because she wanted to finally have a family of her own and make sure her own children didn’t suffer as much as she did when she was younger. Bree without her bubbly personality was strange to be around. She could be optimistic about pretty much everything, but this had her stumped. I knew she would bounce back like she always did, but until then, she was going to need all the support she could get.

I walked back into my house at a little after ten o’clock, emotionally drained and in dire need of something to drink.

I found Bryce with his feet up on the sofa, idly flicking through the TV channels. I couldn’t help chuckling. I’d often arrived home to find Radleigh in exactly the same position.

What is it about guys and channel hopping?

“Hey,” I said, dropping my bag down at the end of the sofa. I kicked my shoes off as he turned around, placing the remote on the coffee table.

“Hey. How is she?”

I shook my head. “Not good. She’s staying at the hospital overnight but she’ll be able to go home tomorrow. I kind of think she might prefer being out of her own house at the moment, though.”

Although Bree and Jude hadn’t gotten too carried away with preparation for the baby, Bree had sneakily bought some newborn baby clothes already, and some magazines with nursery-decorating ideas had been strewn about the house too.

Without a word, Bryce stood up and pulled me into his arms. Trying not to cry anymore, because I’d already done more than enough of that for one night, I rested my head against his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he said, quietly.

“What for?” I asked, puzzled.

“I’m sorry you had to come home to me and not Radleigh. He should be here for you.”

After what had happened earlier, Radleigh was the last person I wanted around me. It all seemed a million years ago now. But I’d rather have come home to an empty house than to him in that mood. It occurred to me, with horror, that when he’d been fucking me against the wall, it was probably around the same time Bree had gone to hospital.

The memory combined with the emotion of the evening made another wave of sadness wash over me.

“Actually, Bryce, what I need right now is a friend. Someone who isn’t interested in starting petty fights and wants nothing from me. That’s not what I’d get from Radleigh at the moment.  I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for taking care of Jessica tonight.”

“It was no trouble at all. She woke up about an hour ago but I sat with her for a while and she settled again.”

“Okay. I’ll go up and see her shortly. I just need a minute.”