Fighting to Survive (Guarded Hearts Book 3) (2 page)

I can’t believe all of the girls were here tonight. I mean, what the hell were they doing at the warehouse?

This whole thing is something I never wanted anyone to find out about, that’s why I’ve been sneaking around. I know it’s probably more innocent than some of the other things they thought I’ve been doing, but either way, my secret is coming out now.

I hate I’ve been put in the position to have to get into this in the first place. I’m pre-med, though, and the program is so expensive. My dad owns a construction company, but business has been really slow lately and my loans and financial aid barely cover half of my tuition. I know I could probably get a job with Carter at the club, but there is no way I can take on a full-time job and keep up with the program’s demands.

At the beginning of last year, I met a kid in the financial aid office who came in and paid the whole semester’s bill in cash. He was a senior, and when I asked him where he worked to make that kind of money, he was hesitant to tell me. We ended up grabbing a bite to eat together and after I explained my situation to him, he told me about The Circle.

As much as I hate fighting, it’s something which enables me to pay for school and still have money to live. I even sent my parents some money to help out with bills. I had to lie to my mom and tell her I got a job and I’m just working extra hard to keep up with everything. She would never understand or approve of my decision to fight.

My mom came from an abusive home, and the one thing she instilled in us since we were little is that violence is a last resort. She can’t even watch a boxing match on TV without it upsetting her, so if she knew I was doing this I don’t know how she would react. Most guys wear their title like a badge of honor, I wear mine like a scarlet letter.

When Holly’s friend, Christen, walked into the room tonight, I knew my secret would be out. I don’t know much about the girl, so it confuses me as to why she even cared if I had seemed upset. I’m surprised she even noticed. I’ve been trying to work on showing no emotion at all to help hide my real feelings about what I’m doing. When I looked up at her, though, I saw something there; she wasn’t judging me or making assumptions.

When she came up behind me and put her hand on my back, I felt a jolt of electricity run through my body. It’s almost as if her touch electrified and awakened everything inside of me, and I couldn’t control myself. I had to kiss her, to know what she tasted like. The fights definitely attract girls, but I usually just brush them off unless I’m having a really rough night. When I pulled away from her and saw the desire in her eyes, I panicked.

She doesn’t seem like the kind of girl who would ever give me the time of day, much less want me for more than just amusement. I only know what Carter has told me about her. Her father is some sort of business mogul, and her family is loaded. They’re the type who spends every free minute at the country club, never giving a second look to someone like me. That wasn’t the girl who was staring back at me tonight.

I know I acted like an asshole when I just walked away from her, but I didn’t know what else to do. Now I’m sitting outside of my apartment, dreading having to go in and tell Carter and J about everything before the girls do. I know they aren’t going to be pissed at me for it. In fact, I’m sure Jason will want to come to the next match, but that’s the reason I didn’t want them to know. I don’t want this to become something we talk about all the time, or I get praised for. I’m not proud of it, and I need to make sure they don’t mention it when we go home for break. Once I open the door, I see them huddled next to each other on the couch, playing Call Of Duty, and screaming about who to kill next.

I stand in the doorway to the living room, unsure of how to even start the conversation.

Carter looks up at me and nods his head. “What’s up, dude?”

“I need to talk to you guys about what’s been going on.”
Here goes nothing…

“Hey, girl, you okay?” I look up at Holly and she’s looking at me like I have two heads. “You have seemed distracted ever since you went to the bathroom.”

Distracted is a serious understatement. Mind fucked would definitely be a better choice of words. I can still smell Shawn all around me, and I can’t stop thinking about the feel of his lips on mine. He was so possessive and dominant during that kiss that I still can’t put a cohesive thought together.

“Hello, space cadet!” Nicole elbows me in the side.

“Ow, Nic, that hurt.”

“Sorry, girl, but you have been on a different friggin’ planet, and we still need to figure out what to tell the boys. Jason is seriously going to kill me for being at that warehouse tonight. It is going to take some serious sucking up to get me out of this, if you know what I mean.” She raises her eyebrows at me and the entire car erupts with laughter. Once Maddy pulls the car into the parking lot, all of the laughter dies. The boys are so overprotective, their heads are going to explode when we fill them in on tonight’s events.

We walk up to the apartment like traitors who are about to walk the plank. When we open the door, all of the boys are sitting on the couch in the living room and don’t say a word when we walk in. Mads is the first one to be brave enough to go past the doorway. She walks over to Carter and goes to give him a hug when he gives her one of the looks that says ‘we need to talk’. She sits down next to him, looking like a wounded puppy dog. Nicole’s next, but her approach is definitely more forward. She saunters over to Jason, wraps her arms around his neck, and bends down to kiss him. He moves his head to the side, grabs her hips and sits her down next to him. She lets out a loud ‘hmmmph’ and pouts like a child sitting in timeout. It takes everything I have in me not to laugh at the two of them.

When I look up, I see Shawn staring at me and instantly feel my cheeks heat up. When I look back at Holly, she has an expression on her face which tells me she knows something is going on. Holly throws her hands up in the air. “Okay, enough! It was
my
idea and I didn’t even tell them where I was taking them. So both of you boys need to get over it and leave them alone. I heard about the fights a couple weeks ago before school started and decided that’s what I wanted to do for my birthday.”

Carter jumps up and stalks over to Holly. I don’t know how she’s still so confident, he isn’t even looking at me and I want to run and hide. “Do you even understand how irresponsible and reckless going to a place like that without us was?
Anything
could have happened!”

“Like what, Carter? We’re all big girls, you know. We stayed together the entire time and left when it was over. Trust me, if I wanted to run away with a tattooed biker named Spike I wouldn’t need to go to The Circle to do it! You are
not
my father and you do
not
get to tell me what to do. I’m leaving now, and just to piss you off, I’m not texting you to let you know I got home safe!” She storms out of the apartment and leaves me standing here in limbo. I don’t have enough courage to look Carter or Jason in the eyes, so I mumble a quick goodbye to the girls and follow her out.

I catch up to her about halfway to the car. “I can’t believe you just left me standing there!”

She laughs and then looks over at me. “Sorry, girl, but he makes me so mad sometimes. He thinks because my dad isn’t here it gives him the right to be my boss. I can’t even talk to a guy on campus without one of them trying to intervene. Speaking of guys, what the hell was up with you going all blushing, giggly girl when Shawn looked at you?”

Shit. I knew she noticed.
“Um…”

“Christen!” I look toward the voice and see Shawn jogging up to us. When I look back at Holly, she has her eyebrow raised as if to ask me what’s going on. I turn toward Shawn just as he reaches us. “Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? I’ll drive you home afterward so Holly doesn’t have to wait.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Holly opens her car door and gives me a knowing smile. “I’ll see you in a little bit, mama. Bye, Shawn.”

“My truck is over there.” He tilts his head to gesture across the parking lot. We start walking to his truck and the awkwardness settles in. “I’m actually kind of hungry. Would you want to go get something to eat?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

We get into his truck and he pulls out of the lot. I look over at him and see that he had cleaned up and changed after the fight. I’ve had a thing for Shawn ever since I first met him, and looking at him now is only making my attraction more intense. He must have showered before we got home because his hair is still damp. His chiseled jaw is tight with either nervousness or anger, and I’m hoping it’s the first option. He turns his head toward me and I quickly look away, not wanting to get caught staring even though I probably already have.

We pull into the diner, walk in, and sit at one of the booths in the back. The waitress comes to take our drink orders and gives us some menus. We sit in silence as we look over our menus. Honestly, I have no idea what to say to him. After we place our order, I know I need to break the silence somehow.

“I’m sorry for tonight—” we both say in unison, and then look at each other in confusion.

“Wait, Christen, I know why I’m sorry, but what the hell are you apologizing for?”

Why is he sorry?
I’m the one who barged in on him. “I shouldn’t have followed you back there. I know you probably needed your space after the fight, and I caught you at a weird time. I’m sorry for just busting in.”

He shakes his head and laughs. “I appreciate that you came back ‘cause you wanted to see if I was okay. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re right, I was upset. I hate doing that all the time, but it’s an unavoidable necessity right now. I’m sorry I took advantage of you and then stormed out afterward. I’m normally not like that, and I don’t want you to think I was just using you. I never should have done what I did—you didn’t deserve it.”

I don’t regret the kiss at all, and it hurts me that he does. I have no idea what to say to him right now.

“Listen, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just want you to know things are still going to be the same as they were before.”

I look up at him and he’s playing with his fork. “What if I don’t want them to be?” My voice is so quiet, I’m surprised he even hears it.

He lifts his head and his eyes meet mine. “What do you mean?”

“Maybe I don’t want to forget it happened.” I can’t believe I’m sitting here and saying this to him. I’m never this forward with guys.

“It’s been a really long night, and I’m exhausted. What are you saying? Please clarify because I really don’t want to make a wrong assumption.”

I take a deep breath. “I don’t want to pretend like it never happened. I didn’t go back there to try to hit on you, but I definitely don’t regret it. I’ve had a crush on you since last year, and when you kissed me tonight it was amazing. I hope I’m not making an idiot of myself right now, but I would like to see where this thing goes.”

He looks at me for what feels like forever, until the waitress brings out our food. We sit in silence the entire time while we eat, and by we, I mean him. I can barely touch my food because of the growing pit in my stomach. After he’s done eating, he pays the bill and we walk back out to the car. He still hasn’t said anything and I can feel the growing need to curl up in a ball of shame and cry.

I practically jump out of the car and run to the door when we pull up to the house. Just as I’m about to turn the knob, I feel a set of hands grab my hips and I let out a shriek. I turn my head to the side and Shawn’s face is only an inch from mine. My heartbeat immediately speeds up, having him this close to me with his hands where they are is torture.

“What if we give this a try and it doesn’t work?” he whispers in my ear, his hot breath giving me goose bumps all over.

“What if we give it a try and it does?” His fingers dig into my hipbones in response. I turn to face him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

He walks me backward, presses me against the door, and kisses me. His lips are so soft and his tongue immediately finds its way into my mouth. He completely dominates me the same way he had earlier. When he pulls away, I can barely catch my breath.

“Okay, let’s give it a try.”

When I look into his eyes, he gives me a smile and then walks back to his truck. I stand there like an idiot until he pulls away and turns the corner. Before I can even reach the handle of the door, it flies open and Holly is standing there.

“Holy shit, that was hot.”

She grabs my hand and pulls me into the house. When we get to the living room, I see Nicole is home, too, and has just as big of a smile on her face. Privacy is
so
not something you can have when you live with your best friends.

After living through the Spanish Inquisition and taking a shower, I’m lying in bed, trying to fall asleep. All I can think of is Shawn and the way he kissed me earlier. I can hear my phone buzzing on the end table and reach over to grab it.

Shawn: Goodnight beautiful.

I smile so big I feel like one of those creepy clown dolls.
Should I reply to him? What the heck do I say to that?
I decide to text him back a simple goodnight with a smiley face. As soon as I hit send I regret it.
A smiley face? What am I, in high school?
My phone buzzes again.