Feels Like Summertime (13 page)

B
utterflies
. I have butterflies. I turn around in front of my mirror. I only have two summer dresses with me. They’re both from the stock of clothes that Adam and my dad bought when they went shopping right before the baby was born. I never took the tags off them, preferring to walk around in my oversized t-shirts and jean shorts. The t-shirt makes nursing Hank easier and the shorts are just comfortable.

I spin around and the flowing material settles around my knees.

A knock sounds on my door, and then it opens seconds later. That means it’s one of my kids. Gabby skulks into the room. She’s wearing a bathing suit with an oversized towel wrapped around her.

“Mom, can you talk to Uncle Adam and your father?” she grouses, right before she flops rather ungracefully onto my bed.

“What about?” I stare at her in the mirror as I apply some light lip gloss and mascara.

“Uncle Adam told me I had to go and put some clothes on. And
your father
agreed.” He’s always
my father
when the kids are mad at him. The rest of the time, he’s just Grandpa.

“I told you that bikini was a little skimpy.” I smack my lips and turn to face her. I nudge her up, because she’s getting my pillow wet. “Go change into the one-piece and you can go back to the lake.”

“Seriously?” she huffs. “I’m sixteen years old, Mom! I can wear a bikini.”

“You can wear the bikini and walk around the house as long as you want. But if you want to go to the lake where there are families and small children and boys, then you need to go change.” I point toward her room. “Go.”

She harrumphs and goes to change. But she stops and looks back at me from the doorway. “You look really pretty,” she says.

I take a deep breath. “Is this dress too much?”

“It’s perfect.” She makes an
okay
sign with her finger and thumb. In a sing-song voice, she says, “I think Jake’s going to kiss you tonight.”

A grin tugs at my lips and happiness floods my heart. “Well, I certainly hope so,” I mutter.

She comes back into the room and closes the door. “You and Jake, you could totally be a thing.”

“Our
thing
was a long time ago,” I remind her. “Four kids later, I’m not the same person I was back then.”

She sinks down on the edge of my bed. “You’re a beautiful woman and Jake knows it. Haven’t you seen the way he looks at you? Just watching him watch you makes my insides get all mushy.”

I point my finger at her. “You are too young to even know what mushy means, young lady.”

But she’s the same age I was when I met Jake, and he made my insides all mushy way back then.

“A boy asked me to the summer dance,” she says quietly.

I jerk my head up. “What boy?”

“He’s staying in cabin 24. His mom makes cookies. They’re really good.”

“And he asked you to the dance?”

“Yes.” She grins.

“And you said…” I arch a brow at her.

“I said he would have to ask you and Jake.”

My heart skips a beat. “Why would he have to ask Jake?”

“Because,” her gaze skitters across the room, refusing to settle, “Dad’s not here.”

She doesn’t talk about her dad very often, and when she does, her eyes get misty. I offer her my lip gloss. “I’m sure Jake would be happy to talk to him.”

“Do you really think so?” she asks. Does she miss having a father figure? Perhaps Jeff’s death has had more of an effect on her than she lets on. She puts on my lip gloss and stops to admire herself in the mirror.

“Yes, I’m sure he’d be happy to give any boy who might want to take you out a hard time.” I point to the door. “Go change. I’ll see you tonight after dinner.”

She leaves and I hear her as she goes to her room to change clothes. She comes back out wearing the one-piece suit that Dad got for her. I follow her down the hallway. Dad is sitting at the kitchen table with Mr. Jacobson. He looks up and down Gabby’s body. “Much better,” he says. His eyes narrow. “Are you wearing lip gloss?”

“Pick your battles, Dad,” I say to him.

Then he looks beyond her to me. “You look really pretty.”

“Were you waiting for Gabby?” I ask.

“I don’t like for any of them to be alone,” he says. Neither do I. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and give him a hard squeeze.

“Thank you,” I whisper. “For everything.”

Jake walks around the corner and Dad freezes. “What’s going on here?” he asks, looking from Jake to me and back.

“We are going on a date,” Jake says. His eyes drag slowly down my body. “You look really beautiful, Katie.”

Jake is wearing a pair of khaki pants, and he has on a button-down shirt in the same shade of jade as his eyes. His light brown hair is damp and his face is scruffy because he didn’t shave. He’s wearing a pair of leather deck shoes with no socks. But more startling than what he’s wearing is the simple fact that he takes my breath away.

Dad stares him down. “Who said you two could go on a date?”

“Well, since we live together, I didn’t think I needed to ask for anybody’s permission.”

Dad sputters playfully. “You do not live together.”

I grab Dad’s shoulder and kiss his cheek, while Jake puts the baby in his car seat. He talks to him the whole time, and Henry coos at him. I should probably feed him before we leave, but he’s so happy, and I really want to get this date started.

“Dan,” Jake says as he stands up from his crouched position. He claps a hand on Dad’s shoulder. “I’m taking your daughter out for a nice dinner. And we’re taking the littlest one with us. That means you and Pop have to figure out how to take care of the rest of them.”

Dad squares his shoulders. “I think we got this.”

“Good,” Pop says. “You can cook me a steak. Six o’clock.”

Dan growls good-naturedly, and then he ushers Gabby out the door and back toward the sand and the fun. And the boy.

“Gabby met a boy,” I tell Jake as he opens the truck door for me.

“I know,” Jake says. “I already had a talk with him.”

“You did?” How did I not know this?

“I did. He’s a nice kid.” He grins at me as he sets up the baby’s car seat in the backseat of the truck. “But I didn’t want him to know I thought so.”

M
y heart is tripping
like crazy as we get out of the truck at the restaurant and Jake slips his hand into mine. “You look really beautiful,” he says. His eyes slide slowly up and down my body.

“Thank you,” I say quietly as I push a lock of hair behind my ear. I feel like I’m sixteen again, rather than a thirty-five-year-old woman with four children and a stalker. “You look really handsome.” I reach up to touch his face, but at the last minute I pull my hand back. He sets the car seat down, reaches for my hand, and lays it on his cheek.

“You can touch me,” he says. My insides do that flippy thing again.

“Okay.” His jaw is scruffy but soft. “I like this.” I grin at him.

He turns his head and kisses my palm. Then he grins. “Let’s go eat.”

The restaurant is directly on the lake, and it’s early enough that it’s not yet packed. I see Jake slip folded-up money into the hostess’s hand and she leads us to a secluded area on the deck. No one else is out here and it’s quiet and peaceful.

“Is this area even open?” I ask the waitress.

She grins at me. “It is now.”

She helps Jake set the car seat up in a free chair that she flips over for stability, and puts Hank right next to Jake’s knee.

“Did you do this?” I ask, looking at Jake and the perfect setting.

“Maybe.” He grins. He grabs the arm of my chair and yanks it closer to him. I squeal and he laughs.

“You still have moves, Jake.”

He stares into my eyes. “You are so beautiful.”

My breath catches. “Jake—”

And then he kisses me. First, his lips touch the corners of my mouth, and then the tip of my nose, and then, right when I think I’m going to go crazy, his lips touch mine.

His hand slides around to the back of my neck and he holds me close while his lips devour mine. He sucks my lower lip between his, and gently touches his tongue to mine. I moan against his lips. He pulls back ever so slightly. “Too much?” he whispers.

“Not nearly enough,” I say.

The waitress clears her throat and Jake and I spring apart.

“I’ll come back,” she says with a giggle and she walks away.

I press my hands to my hot cheeks. Jake opens my menu and laughs. “Pick out some food.”

The waitress comes back with glasses of water and takes our order.

“So,” I say to break the silence at the table.

“So.” Jake laughs and takes a sip of his water.

“What do you want from me, Jake?” I suddenly blurt out. I drop my face into my hands because I’m even more embarrassed asking this question than I was when the waitress caught us kissing.

Jake’s green eyes stare into mine. “You really don’t know, do you Katie? You have no idea how I feel about you.”

“How
do
you feel about me, Jake?” I whisper back.

“I never wanted to be a father,” Jake says.

“Oh.” I sit back. My world is crumbling beneath my feet, and I hold tightly to the arms of my chair to settle myself.

“Stop it,” he chides. He takes my hand in his. “Stop it, now. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. Can I explain?”

“Please do.”

“Laura always wanted a baby, and I really didn’t. She talked me into it, and then making a baby became a job. It sucked all the joy out of it. When I imagined fatherhood, I imagined some little snot-nosed brat waking me up at all hours of the night, kids crying for food at inconvenient times, and someone taking Laura away from me at his or her own whim. I didn’t want kids. But then I met yours…” His voice trails off.

“And what did you think?” I hold my breath.

“They were a part of
you
, so I had no choice but to love them at first sight.” He chuckles. “Trixie woke me up last night because she said there was a blue raccoon under her bed and Sally was too big to go under there and look.”

“And you’re so much smaller than Sally.” I laugh. I had no idea she was waking Jake up. “I’m sorry she woke you.”

“I’m not. I had to get out some blue raccoon spray.”

“There’s blue raccoon spray?”

“A bottle of air freshener. I sprayed it under her bed and all was well. Then I stayed with her until she fell asleep. Sally sneezed for a good half hour and Alex woke up to ask me who farted.” He chuckles.

I laugh too. “I’m so sorry. I’ll tell her not to wake you anymore.”

“Oh, please don’t,” he says. “I loved it. It wasn’t a chore. It was nice.”

“You didn’t sign on for fatherhood.”

“I think I would. If you wanted me to, that is.” He coughs into his fist and his cheeks turn pink. “I mean…if you wanted me to be their dad, I’d be honored.”

Tears sting my eyes and I blink them back. “They had a great father. And he can’t be replaced.”

“I know that. And I don’t want to take Jeff’s place. But I want to take
my
place. And I want to feel like it’s mine. Forever. Always. I don’t want to be him. I want to be
me,
and I want to be what I am to them, whatever that might be.” He leans close to me and whispers, “And then there’s you.”

“What about me?” I whisper back.

“I want to be deep inside you, even when I’m not.” He laughs. “And trust me, I want to be deep inside you all the fucking time, Katie.
All
the time.”

My belly takes a dive down toward my toes and my head starts to spin all at once. I wave my hand in front of my face. “It’s getting hot in here.”

“Feet to the fire, Katie. Do you want me or not?”

“I want you, Jake,” I tell him. I lay my palm on his cheek. “I do. I’m just afraid.”

“I know. I’ll help you through it if you’ll let me.”

I nod and sit back. Hank starts to squirm in his seat, and Jake unbuckles him, taking him out of the car seat. It’s hot out, so he’s only wearing a onesie and his diaper. He stretches his skinny little body as he wakes up.

“You might want to feed him before our food comes.”

I didn’t think this through very well, because this dress is not made for nursing. I look around. “I should probably go to the bathroom or something.”

Jake grabs the spaghetti strap on my shoulder and tugs until the bow comes loose. This dress has a built-in bra, so I’d stuffed it full of leak pads and called it done. Jake hands me a lightweight blanket from the car seat and I toss it over my shoulder, and then I adjust all my parts and Henry latches on. I flush when I realize that Jake can hear him drinking greedily.

“Not very sexy, huh?” I say. I want to bury my face in my hands. But Jake lifts the blanket off my shoulder and looks down at where Hank is suckling.

“Sexiest thing I’ve ever seen,” Jake breathes.

The dark edge of my areola is visible around Hank’s mouth. Jake kisses my naked shoulder and then drops down low and presses a soft kiss against my breast, right above where Hank is latched on. My belly flips again. He comes up quick and presses his lips against mine. “I want you to be mine.”

I nod and clear my throat. “I want that too, but…”

He stares hard at me. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m a package deal, Jake.”

“I know.” He wipes away the tear that slowly tracks down my cheek. He grins. “So, you want to be my girlfriend?”

I grin too, and wipe beneath my eyes with my free hand. “I’ll be your girlfriend.” My heart flips over in my chest, and for the first time since Jeff died, I feel hopeful that there is more to life than death and regret.

“And I’ll be your boyfriend,” Jake says to me.

The waitress brings our meal. “You guys are so cute together,” she says on a laugh. Then she disappears again.

“This is the best date ever,” I tell him.

He grins at me and helps me tie my straps back up when it’s time to switch sides, and I swear that I see him adjust himself when he sits back again.

“Breastfeeding is not sexy,” I remind him.

“No, but
you
sure as hell are.”