Feeling Sorry for Celia (7 page)

ELIZABETH!!!!!!

IT’S TRUE THAT I HAVE MY POETRY CLUB ON THURSDAY NIGHTS, BUT IF I
DIDN’T
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO BE WATCHING A VIDEO WITH YOU, IF ONLY YOU WEREN’T GOING OUT WITH YOUR FATHER

AT LEAST HE’LL FEED YOU BETTER THAN I DO.

THERE IS SOME HAND-WASHING SOAKING IN THE LAUNDRY BASIN AT THE MOMENT. CAN YOU SLOSH IT AROUND A BIT AND RINSE IT OUT AND HANG IT ON THE LINE BEFORE YOU GO?

WHILE YOU ARE AT SCHOOL TODAY, WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR FRIENDS WHAT
THEY
THINK OF
PURPLE
LIPSTICK? ALSO,WHY DON’T YOU SPEND A BIT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE COLOUR
PURPLE
ITSELF. WHAT THINGS ARE PURPLE?

LOVE MUM

Dear Elizabeth,

I think you’re the coolest for writing letters explaining why you can’t do your homework. I just don’t do it, then I get busted, then I get put on detention, then I don’t go to the detention cos my mum needs me at the florist shop, plus cos detention sucks. Then I don’t do my homework again, then I get busted again, then I get put on detention again, then I don’t go. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s like a washing machine with the lid jammed down.

Celia joined the circus? I can’t believe it. Your friend Celia sounds like the coolest person on earth.

I read these fantastic books when I was little. There was this boy called Jimmy and the circus comes to his town, so he goes, ‘Mum, can we join the circus?’ so his mum goes, ‘Yeah, okay, go get your father.’ And his dad goes, ‘Justlet me wash my hands and we’ll join the circus.’ So they all go to the circus and luckily Jimmy finds a dog which can do magic tricks, so he gets to be a circus performer, and his dad can hammer nails and take screws out with his Swiss army pocket knife and his mum can cook big pots of stew and sew up the holes in the circus tent. (Does Celia have to cook big pots of stew or just sew up holes?) (Does Celia have
a husband with a Swiss army knife and a son named Jimmy with a magic trick dog?)

Now that I think about it, those books really sucked.

But there was one cool bit, where this girl who’s in the circus has to ride her horse to the beach to save the circus or something, so she’s riding along and every now and then she just stands up on the horse’s back and does a somersault in the air. And the people along the side of the street go ‘cool’ and start clapping for her with their mouths hanging open so you can see their fillings.

God, I wanted so badly for the circus to come to my town so I could do that too. I used to just stand there on my driveway watching the road in case some caravans and elephants appeared. None did, so I thought I could get a horse and teach myself to ride around standing up on it, and doing somersaults in the air. And then everyone would clap at me with their mouths hanging wide open and their tonsils in full effect.

My parents never got me a horse though. So it all came to nothing but a pile of manure.

Derek was very happy with the twig from your apple tree. He put it in one of the empty pots in my mum’s florist shop so that he can grow his own tree. He says he’ll send you an apple from it as soon as it’s ready.

I tried to do the Smartie and M&M thing only I closed my eyes from the beginning to the end, so that I wouldn’t cheat, and then I couldn’t remember which one was which. Sorry. I’m gonna buy a packet of both today and try out the experiment on everybody I know, to get you accurate results.

I’m also going to start working on your birthday present
today. I’ve already got heaps of paper to use so I don’t need to collect that. We have to read
The Merchant of Venice
and it doesn’t make sense. Basically, not a single word of it makes sense. I think it would be fine if I ripped out most of the pages and used it for your birthday present. I mean, I don’t think it’s gonna affect the
plot
or anything. Also, I can get plenty of glue for your birthday present, because of the glue-sniffing habits of most of this school.

And I can get wax for the candle, because Derek’s ear is full of it.

Sorry. That’s disgusting. I’ll get clean wax for you.

My birthday’s in December, right next to Christmas, so it’s easy to remember too, only nobody does, because it’s a STUPID time for a birthday. I want a unicorn, okay? I don’t want a horse any more because I’ve matured.

I told Derek about Celia, I hope that’s okay? He wants to know if you can use your connections to get him into the circus. He’s got this act worked out, where he lifts weights and whistles the soundtrack from
Titanic th
e whole time. It might sound sad but it’s pretty impressive when you see it.

Oh, something else has happened. My cousin Maddie is in love again. It’s a relief – she was starting to get on my nerves badly. She phoned yesterday to say that a new guy has just started at her high school, and she thinks he’s the hottest thing since baked potato with sour cream and mango chutney. (I know. Gross. But she goes ape for it.) He hasn’t spoken a single word to her yet, she just saw him on the other side of the locker room and she swears that he winked at her. I said he probably just had something in his eye. But even if he did, she’ll get him because she always does.

Good luck with your dad. Don’t forget that it doesn’t matter if he takes you to the poshest restaurant in the world, you will still be the coolest person there.

Love from Christina

Over one-third of the world’s coffee is produced by people living in poverty. Think before you Drink.

Dear Lizzy,

HI. This is the most fantastickest thing that ever happened to me!!! The people here are
the
best. There’s this girl called Patricia who lets me live in her caravan with her, all I have to do is polish her candelabra every now and then (she uses it as part of her act - she does a kind of elegant dinner party thing on the tightrope at the top of the tent). The circus manager is
so
nice to me. He’s treating me like a kind of daughter and giving me all this advice about life and playing my cards right and stuff.

Love, Celia

PS I got this stack of old postcards for free at our last venue.

Dear Miss Clarry,

So you found your best friend again. Congratulations. That’s a step.

But you know what? You have the weirdest best-friend relationship we ever saw. You don’t see her, you don’t have her phone number,
you don’t even know where she is. She gets to talk to you. And you can’t say a word to her.

I am really very sorry, hut unless things improve soon we will have to ask you to leave our society.

Best regards,

The Manager,

Best Friends Club

Dear Christina,

I’m writing this in the backyard and it’s Sunday afternoon and the apple tree thinks it’s spring, and Lochie’s fast asleep beside me. He’s got both paws and his chin on my leg; it’s the cutest thing you ever saw. Actually, it’s not just cute, it’s amazing. I just did a 6k run. I must smell like a compost heap.

I’m looking at your letter (Lochie dribbled on it, sorry. It’s kind of disgusting, which it wasn’t when you sent it to me) and I’m glad Maddie’s practically got a new guy. But does that mean she’ll get in trouble again, I mean like running away with him and that? And does it mean you don’t get to see her as much? Still, it’s good that you don’t have to keep being her counsellor, or like her magazine problem page.

If I ever actually
talk
to Celia again I’ll tell her about Derek’s whistling and weight lifting thing. She hasn’t phoned me yet, just sent postcards. She probably thinks our phone’s tapped or something – she’s kind of paranoid like that.

I think I read those books too, the ones about the circus and the girl standing on the horse? I think it was Enid
Blyton, which my mum never wanted me to read, but my dad used to send them to me for birthdays and Christmas, which made my mum just go ape. But she had to let me read them, cause they were my ‘only link with my biological father’. (I heard her say that to a friend of hers on the phone one day when I was about seven – ‘Oh, I don’t know Barbara, you and I can both see that Blyton’s a pile of crap, but what can you do? It’s the only link she
has
with her biological father.’)

After that my Biological Father started coming over here for work, so I got to see him for a weekend holiday once a year anyway. Which some people might consider a better link than an Enid Blyton book but I couldn’t ever completely make up my mind on that one.

Last Thursday night was the first
linking
experience of my dad’s year-long stay in Australia. I just hope they’re all as special and rewarding as that one was.

Ha ha.

The first thing that happened was I missed the bus. I catch me Glenorie bus, which goes right at three o’clock, basically while the bell’s still ringing. I was just running along the year nine balcony when Mr Bother it stepped out of a classroom and stood right in my path. (Kind of like a mafia movie, where the FBI guys suddenly come out of a doorway and everything stops, dramatic like?) With most teachers, all you have to do is say, ’I catch the Glenorie bus’ and they practically give you a police escort out to the bus stop.

So I say to Mr Bother it, ‘I have to catch the Glenorie bus.’

And you know what he does? He says, ‘Oh really?’ and leans against the bag rack making his mouth twist around
like he has something caught in his teeth. Maybe he had just eaten a biscuit and it was kind of packed into the gaps between his teeth, and he was trying to scoop it out with his tongue? I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine.

Anyway, he just looks at me, scratches the back of his hand and says, ‘I’m wondering whether you
enjoy
our English classes?’

Give me a break.

Do I enjoy his English classes?

What are you supposed to say to that – ‘Well, if you’d just liven up your delivery, throw in a few jokes and hand out occasional bags of chips, they’d be perfect, sir’?

Strangely, I don’t say that, I just say, ‘Yeah, I guess.’