Feeling Sorry for Celia (5 page)

Did you get my letter? I wrote it a week ago but it might’ve got lost. I hope I didn’t offend you in my last letter. Do you hate M&Ms or something? Maybe you have that porridge thing about them too?

It’s been an okay week, but Maddie’s still depressed, which is getting kind of boring. Not that I mean I think you’re boring when you’re depressed. I think you’ve got a reason to be, I mean with your best friend vanished and everything. But Maddie’s not exactly a nun. She’s had 326 boyfriends since she was eleven.

You still haven’t told me if you’ve got a boyfriend or not. Have you? And if you haven’t now, who was your last boyfriend?

Write back SOON cos I’m worried that you’re mad at me.

Love,

Christina

Dear Ms Garry,

Excuse me, but what’s going on here?

Maybe we weren’t clear enough about our problems with you.

We hoped that we wouldn’t have to get into this. We hoped that talking about your bedroom, and your banana-flavoured lip gloss, and your Teletubbies doona would do the trick. Along with pointing out that you have never been drunk or tried drugs. (I guess there’s no peer group pressure if you haven’t got a peer group, is there?)

But you’ve had plenty of time to climb into the refrigerator and
YOU’RE STILL NOT THERE. You’re out there in the world! You’re sitting on bus seats and walking around shopping centres and EVERYBODY CAN SEE YOU!

You’re writing letters to that Christina person PRETENDING THAT YOU’RE A REAL TEENAGER. She’ll work it out soon, Elizabeth. She’s not stupid.

You leave us with no other choice, Ms Clarry. We are going to have to cut to the chase.

Ms Clarry, you have never had a boyfriend
.

Now, perhaps you will understand. Now, perhaps you will think of other respectable teenagers, and what you are doing to the teenage image, and you will hop right into the lettuce cooler and stay there.

Yours sincerely,

The Association of Teenagers

!!! ELIZABETH !!!

OVER HERE!! ON THE FRIDGE!!

KEEP
VERY
WARM AT SCHOOL TODAY. I DON’T THINK YOU WERE DRESSED WARMLY ENOUGH YESTERDAY. WEAR A
SPENCER AND A SKIVVY
UNDER YOUR UNIFORM. ALSO, GRANDMA’S OLD PURPLE SHAWL IS ON THE COUCH. TAKE IT AND PUT IT OVER YOUR LEGS.

THERE IS A SACK OF ORANGES IN THE FRIDGE.
TAKE THEM ALL TO SCHOOL WITH YOU AND EAT THEM
.

LOVE

YOUR

MUM

Dear Mum,

I won’t be able to move my arms if I wear a spencer and a skivvy under my uniform. Grandma’s purple shawl has bindies all over it from when we used it as a picnic blanket last summer. I’ll take one orange. Thanks.

Celia’s mum called after you’d gone, while I was in the shower. I called her back. She wanted to know if I’d heard from Celia yet. When I said no she breathed a lot for a while, in and out. See you later,

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

We hear you’ve misplaced your best friend.

Just out of interest, you might want to locate her pretty soon if you want to retain your membership in this club.

The Manager,

Best Friends Club

Dear Christina,

I’m really sorry about not writing back for so long. I wasn’t offended at all by your letter, and I love M&Ms. I loved the M&M you sent me so much that I kept it and now it’s glued to a pop stick and standing on my dressing table.

I’ve been away from school cause I had a really bad flu. I was throwing up and feverish and everything. And my body
was aching like I’d spent a week doing sit-ups. I only got your two letters yesterday.

I don’t think my mother is very much like your Auntie Belinda. I don’t think she’s had any bits zapped off her, and her eyebrows don’t look like crayon. But she writes with purple and green pens, and she waves her hands around when she’s thinking, so she’s always got purple and green scribbles on her face. She hasn’t got long nails that drag along the floor behind her either. She keeps her nails really short because she’s frightened of scratching her eyes out when she’s putting in her contact lenses.

And she doesn’t carry a cat around, because we haven’t got a cat. We’ve got a dog. But he’s a hyperactive collie and my mother’s a small woman.

Actually, I think maybe my dad should have married someone like your Auntie Belinda instead of my mum. I don’t really know why they got together in the first place. Dad took me to dinner last night (I had to cancel last week-end’s dinner because of my flu), so I found out what the exciting news is This is what happened . . .

Well, first of all I was still getting over my flu so I had a kind of hazy feeling. Like I was walking around inside a big bubble.

My mum said I had to wear three t-shirts and a jumper and a scarf. So we’re at this slick restaurant in Double Bay where all the women are basically dressed in their silk underwear, and I’m sitting there like the Abominable Snowman.

And Dad’s all excited and mysterious, going: ‘Bet you can’t wait to hear my news, huh?’

So I’m being polite and saying, ‘No, Dad, I really can’t wait.’

And he’s doing his wine thing, you know: ‘Have a try of this, Liz, it’s a really elegant little number, what do you think of the nose, hmm?’

So I try your advice. I say, ‘It smells like cow manure.’

And you know what happens? He gets wild with happiness, and practically shouts, ‘You’re RIGHT!’ And then he’s doing this little dance in his seat, going: ‘Cow manure! Of course! That delicious
farmyard
quality, hmm? The whole stables and horses and old leather thing, hmm? That wonderful boiled cabbage and compost heap flavour, hmm?’

And then he calls out for ANOTHER BOTTLE, so we can share THAT ONE TOO, and he fills my glass to the brim and says, ’Drink up!’

And he’s sitting there with this huge stupid grin on his face like we’ve had some kind of magical father-daughter breakthrough.

And I’m sitting there thinking he wants me to
drink
cow shit, boiled cabbage and compost heap?

It made me feel quite sick actually, so I couldn’t do your next bit of advice and take a swig from the bottle.

But then he tells me the news.

It’s this. He is going to live in Sydney for the next year.

If you’re thinking ’big deal’ you’re exactly right.

Big deal.

He works for this airline and he usually comes back from Canada for a few weeks every year. But this time he’s going to be stationed here for a year.

So what?

And he’s not even bringing his family over, which might
have made it interesting. Do you realise I have a stepmother and a stepbrother who I’ve never met? But they’re going to stay in Canada for a year without him, which seems like a long time don’t you reckon?

And my mum’s going to be
really
happy when she hears about this.

Anyway, I should go, I wrote too much again sorry.

Celia’s still not back, thanks for asking. I can’t really concentrate on anything, because I’m worrying about her all the time.

I hope your cousin Maddie has a new boyfriend by now. I hope you don’t have the flu that everyone in the world has.

Write soon.

Love,

Elizabeth

ELIZABETH!!!

I’M AT THE COUNCIL MEETING BECAUSE I WANT TO PROTEST AGAINST THEIR NEW BY-LAW. DO YOU REALISE THEY HAVE PROHIBITED ROLLERBLADING IN THE SHOPPING CENTRE? WHAT IF I WANTED TO ROLLERBLADE TO THE SUPERMARKET? IT’S DISGRACEFUL.

CELIA’S MUM CALLED ME AT WORK TODAY. SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO KNOW WHERE I DID MY YOGA. I TOLD HER I HAVEN’T DONE YOGA FOR SEVEN YEARS.

I’M A BIT WORRIED ABOUT HER

SEE YOU LATER,

MUM

Mum,

I hope the council meeting went well. Do you actually know what rollerblading is?

The principal called me into his office to see him today, asking if I know where Celia is. He said that he has called her mother ‘but has not been entirely satisfied with the response’. I told him he should breathe in and out more, and he looked absolutely terrified.