Fearless (15 page)

“Evening, gents,” he said. “Every year, the new fish on the team go through this initiation. It’s a rite of passage, a tradition—”

“Dude, it’s fucking freezing, get on with it,” one of the varsity players grumbled.

Kanoa’s friends laughed. We initiates nervously joined in. Kanoa flipped the speaker off. “Don’t be such a baby, Brian,” he said with a grin. He turned back to us. “Fine. Basically, this is where you earn your place on the team for real. Welcome to the seventeenth annual Skinny Dip Guppy Race.”

“The what now?” Jimmy asked in the most indignant squeak I’d ever heard.

The varsity players rumbled with laughter. “Out there past the waves, Jacob and Minh are waiting in a boat with a necklace for each of you.” He pulled out a radio and said into it, “You’re on.” A small light blinked on in the dark waves beyond. “The first one to get their necklace and get back wins bragging rights and a week’s training with the varsity team.”

“Are you insane?” Jimmy croaked. He, like me, was only wearing a pair of soft cotton shorts. “We’ll freeze to death.”

“No, but it will feel like it,” Brian told us. He looked really smug about it.

Kanoa spread his hands. “What are you guys waiting for? The next beach patrol is in ten minutes.”

My fellow freshmen looked at each other with varying degrees of horror. No one wanted to go into that water. I sure as fuck didn’t. I liked my balls and I didn’t want them frozen off.

But then I looked at Kanoa and I saw his quiet encouragement. It was a look I’d seen on his face every time I’d told him I couldn’t do another lap or another rep. That stupid thing called pride reared up and told me that it didn’t care about the danger to my nuts. I was going to get that necklace and be the first one back, and not because of bragging rights or varsity training. I was going to do it for Kanoa.

Heads turned to me as I shucked my shorts and underwear. I didn’t care that my business was hanging out there for anyone to see—I really didn’t, which was a big surprise. I turned and raced for the water, exhilarated. I only barely took in the fact that the other guys were following my lead. I wasn’t worried about them. This wasn’t practice anymore. This was a race and they were about to see what I could do.

The brutally cold water sent a shock through my system. Instead of paralyzing me, though, it energized me. I set my eyes on that light in the darkness and I surged through the water, almost laughing because I felt so insanely free in that moment. This was what I was born to do.

I reached the boat so fast, it startled me. It had seemed much further away. A pair of grinning faces peered out of the darkness. “How’s the water?” Minh asked.

“Refreshing,” I chattered.

“Here ya go,” Jacob said, slipping a leather necklace over my head. Then he rubbed my wet hair like he was petting a dog. Somehow, it didn’t offend me. Maybe because the next words out of his mouth were, “You’d better hurry if you want to beat Kanoa’s record.”

I grinned and shot off back in the direction of the beach even as Bailey reached the boat. He was faster than I had realized. I couldn’t slack off. It didn’t seem possible that I’d beat Kanoa’s time, but you can bet I wanted to try.

Bailey would just….

As I swam along, I thought of Bailey. He worked harder than anyone on the team. He was the first of the guys to approach the weird outsider with an overture of friendship. He took all the cracks about his size and his birthmark with a smile. And he’d done it all without special attention from a varsity swimmer.

I slowed down as I thought of what it would mean to Bailey if he won. I didn’t need the training, but if he got to spend a week with the varsity team, he’d be on cloud nine. Everyone would respect him, and no one knows more than me how important that is.

I didn’t need to win, I realized. I’d already gotten so much.

Bailey surged ahead of me. I stayed on his tail, not letting him get too far ahead. I wanted him to believe he’d earned it—and he had, just in a different way. When we reached the beach, I stumbled along behind him and watched as the varsity team greeted him with cheers and towels.

He looked back at me, a question in his eyes. I shrugged, doing my best impression of looking annoyed. What I really felt, though, was happy. I was happy for him and I was happy for me. The team misfits had proven themselves.

Kanoa wrapped me in big fluffy towels and handed me a paper cup filled with steaming hot chocolate. To my surprise, he didn’t move off to tend to the other swimmers returning to the shore. He left that task to Brian, who was making sure every single swimmer got back.

“You cost me ten bucks,” Kanoa complained, sitting next to me.

“Huh?”

“I bet Brian you’d be first in.”

“Sorry.”

“Yeah, you don’t look very sorry,” Kanoa said, smiling crookedly.

“I, um, got a cramp.”

“Uh huh.” He winked at me. “Looking out for your teammates is the sign of a real champion.”

That made me squirm. “I was just, you know….”

“You had a cramp.” Kanoa looked so proud of me that it was like I had won after all. That brought way more warmth to my insides than the cocoa. “I get it. But just so you know, if you do that because you feel bad for someone on some
other
team, I’ll kick your ass.”

“Yes, sir.” I couldn’t stop smiling. It was weird. I’d never been so happy. “I owe you a lot, for helping me.”

Kanoa gave me a perplexed look. “You don’t owe me anything. All I did was let you train with me.”

I laughed. “Dude, you act like that’s no big deal. You have no idea….”

“I kind of do,” he said, his eyes fixed on the ocean. “Like I said, I was skinny and awkward too, once.”

“I can’t picture that.”

“I burned all the pictures.” I laughed. “No, seriously. That was not a good time for me. You’re a lot different than I was. I had no confidence at all.”

“Like I do?”

“Shit yes. You just do what you want, you don’t care what people think. You hang with that Liam guy. I would have been terrified of what people would have thought of me, but you didn’t let that stop you. You never once said you couldn’t do it, when we were training.” He gave me a wry grin. “You complained, sure, who wouldn’t? But you never even considered giving up. I had to be pushed by my older brother to get into shape.”

I looked down. I’d never really thought being stubborn was a form of courage. “Well, I wanted to make you proud of me.”

Why did you say that
? I demanded of myself.
Don’t make this weird!

Kanoa was blushing. I could see it even in the limited moonlight. “I don’t know why.”

I shrugged. I had to change the subject before I made things worse. “It’s cold.”

Kanoa nodded.  “Brian?” he called. “Is everyone back yet?”

“Last one’s coming in now.”

Kanoa gave me a strange look, like he was considering asking me something. And then he shrugged. “Okay, let’s bail.”

I was relieved that he let me off the hook so easily. At the same time, though, I really wanted to know what that weird look from him was all about.

Chapter 16

L
IAM WAS,
I
THINK, THE
only thing that kept me from having a total meltdown. Just when I was about to announce plans to change my name and move to a remote province of China, Liam would crack a joke and I would feel better.

“You’re going to kill in that race,” Liam assured me as he flipped through one of my comic books.

It was the Friday before D-Day, so my stomach was in knots. I had three days until I had to meet my fate.

I frowned at him. “I’ll settle for ‘not totally sucking.’”

The secret to happiness in life was, I felt, keeping your expectations reasonable.

“Kanoa probably wouldn’t mind if you sucked,” Liam remarked with a little smirk.

“Are you kidding? He would kill—” I got the joke a few seconds late. I managed to glare and blush all at the same time. “Will you stop shipping us? It’s not going to happen.”

“I’m just saying, a hot senior spending all this time with a jittery freshman, there has to be a reason.”

“Yeah, it’s called the coach asking him to.”

“Maybe....”

“Can you just let me crush in peace? Please?”

Liam laughed but made no promises. But of course he wouldn’t, because he was Liam. He went back to his comic book for a few minutes and then cast it aside.

“Man, I can’t believe we’re stuck at home instead of at the Homecoming Dance,”

“Trust me, this is better,” I told him. “At least for me. My dance moves are outlawed in twelve states.”

Liam cracked a smile. “I got to see that.”

I frowned at him. “No.”

Liam’s eyes lit up with mischief. “Uh uh, you can’t keep claiming to be bad at everything without proof. You have to show me.”

“I really don’t.”

He went over to my laptop and called up the music player. “Hmm, let’s see, what do we have for playlists? ‘Life sux?’ ‘Love sux?’ I’m sensing a theme here.”

“At least I’m consistent.”

“True. Hey, ‘OMG the 80’s’ I think we have a winner.”

“I’m not dancing,” I told him.

I thought my tone was pretty firm. That didn’t prevent him from yanking me to my feet, though, with a strength I didn’t think he had. As the familiar beat of one of my favorite classics warbled out of my laptop’s crappy speakers, I folded my arms and backed away from the crazy guy with the infectious smile.

“Come on, feel the beat,” Liam coaxed.

I just couldn’t hang onto my glower, not with him gyrating and flailing like a fish out of water. It didn’t seem possible, but somehow he was actually as bad or worse than me.

“Oh girls just want to have fun,” he sang—badly—and danced (if one could call it that) over to me.

“You really don’t get the whole ‘no’ concept, do you?”

“Not when I’m right. Now dance, beyatch.”

I did my best to suppress a grin that I felt coming over me. Very, very cautiously, I started to bob my shoulders and sway my arms. Maybe there was a chance I could give him a little token effort and he would leave me alone. Maybe he would tire of the game after a minute or two.

I know, what was I thinking?

Liam started hopping up and down and throwing his hands in the air. I was grateful my mom was at work, considering the noise he was making. I didn’t need her coming in and seeing me dancing with
that boy
.

My legs moved as if they had developed a mind of their own. The delight in Liam’s face just washed over me like sunshine, making me warm all over. The darkness of my self-doubt just couldn’t withstand all that light.

“That’s better,” Liam approved, swiveling his hips like he had a Hula Hoop around them.

I shook my head even as a laugh bubbled out of me. He was simply irresistible.  But even as my seriously lame moves busted loose, he didn’t mock me or burst out laughing. He just grinned happily and danced around like the lunatic he was.

The beautiful, weird lunatic that he was....

I thought he’d let me go after the first song, but when Soft Cell’s
Tainted Love
came on he crowed, “I love this song!” and danced even more crazily.

I matched him, move for move. We danced as only white boys can—with absolutely no rhythm and no style. But it was fun, at least until the song ended.

And then it got weird.

“Oh Justin, you really are a gay boy,” Liam commented around a grin. “
Hold Onto The Night
? Really?”

“Shut up,” I told him and turned to tell the computer to skip past Richard Marx, even though it was too late to save my reputation.

“No, come on!” he objected, pulling me back. “Slow dance!”

“Liam....”

“When are you going to learn I always get my way?”

I huffed at him, but his responding look was implacable. He was right. There was never any point in trying to defy him. He was a force of nature. He always won in the end.

He looped his arms around my neck and gave me this evil wink as he swayed back and forth. It felt entirely natural, dancing with him. I put my hands on his hips and swayed with him, just looking down at his face and thinking how amazing he was.

“You’re not that bad a dancer,” he told me.

“You’re not much of an expert.”

“Oh no, you did
not
just diss my moves.”

I smiled. I had the strangest urge to bring him in close and hold him, which was absolutely not going to happen. I felt my crush starting to break loose from its cage, and I did not want him to see that. That would just be too stupid.

But it was so nice, swaying with him, dancing so close. It was almost like we had gone to the dance together, almost like we were more than friends.

Liam looked up at me with a coy smile on his face. I didn’t know what that look meant, but I knew what I wanted it to mean. I knew how things in my head were spiraling out of control and how much that scared the shit out of me. I could almost feel my muscles tensing as I started to lean down towards him.

“Oh, Justin,” he vamped and nuzzled into my chest. “You big strong man.”

That broke the spell. I pushed him away and turned off the music. I felt Liam staring at me, but I didn’t feel like facing him. I didn’t want to see him smirking, to know how funny he thought his joke was. And I didn’t want to try and explain why I was suddenly out of sorts.

“I was just playing,” Liam said.

“I know.”

“Dude, what happened? Why is it weird all of a sudden?”

I shook my head. “Never mind.”

Liam was quiet for a moment—a very long moment. Liam is never quiet for long, so I guessed he was thinking things over. He was adding up the pieces and trying to figure out why I was being a freak. I hoped that he would decide to drop it and make a joke of things, but that wasn’t the sort of night that I was having.

“Oh,” he said finally.

“Liam....”

“Dude, it’s cool. I’m sorry, I was an ass.”

I half-turned, afraid of what I might see on his face. I didn’t want things to be weird. I didn’t want to have screwed things up again. I didn’t want to lose him.