Fates' Folly (25 page)

"Realms. Sheesh, when am I ever going to wake
up?"

"I asked myself that for more than a thousand
years. Save yourself some time- get over it and move on."

"Fine. I'll give you one healthy meal three
days a week and you give me back by goodies."

"Five meals and I'll give you one confection
per meal."

"Five meals, ten snack cakes," I
countered.

"Three meals, seven snack cakes- one per day-
and a work out video twice a week."

"Work out video?"

"That's my final offer."

"And if I don't take this offer?"

"Then I'll find another way to get you to eat
healthy, and your bag of cakes goes down the garbage disposal."

"Wait a minute, that's not how you haggle.
You're supposed to counter offer until you get what you want, not
just stop all negotiations with a, my way or nothing!"

"I wasn't really negotiating to begin with. I
just wanted to see what you would do. My only real offer, from the
beginning, was three healthy meals eaten within seven consecutive
days, seven snack cakes of my choice given to you, one per day, and
participation in a cardio workout twice a week, via video
instruction of my choice."

"Is that all?" I said, doing my best to copy
his sneer.

"Actually, no. I also need your agreement
that my terms are met within a weekly time frame and will continue
to be met every week, until the Olympian Trials begin."

"Do I really have to do this?"

"Absolutely not. It would upset me greatly if
I thought, even for a moment, that I was forcing you to do
something you didn't want to do."

"You're so kind."

"Just so we're clear, it is thirty one weeks
until the Trials."

"I hate you."

He raised an eyebrow.

I really didn't have a choice other than
taking his deal, but that didn't mean I had to give up. Hell, I
already had goodies, stashed away all over the apartment. Twenty
dollars and a trip to the store, and I'd have the snacks he stole,
replaced, and hidden in no time. I had twenty-five years of
experience hiding valuables from my mama. No one is as determined
as a dry drunk out of booze and money. She never found any of my
stashes and neither would Barty.

"Fine, I agree to three healthy meals eaten
within seven consecutive days, in exchange for seven snack cakes of
your choosing, given to me one per day. I will also complete a
cardio workout of your choice, once a week, but I refuse to be
happy about it and, in fact, plan to call you all kinds of nasty
and insulting names every chance I get."

"Agreed."

"Dickhead," I said, instantly feeling a
little better.

Barty nodded his head to acknowledge the
insult and pulled a DVD out of thin air. "Excellent. Where is your
DVD player?"

"How in the hell did you do that?"

"I shifted my hand into my office at Ambros
and grabbed the DVD off my desk."

"I didn't see you disappear."

Barty gave me a smug smile. "That would be
because I didn't, only my arm and hand shifted to my office."

"How is that possible? I mean, how do you do
it?"

His overly plucked eyebrows wrinkled into odd
little lines.

"Anything is possible. Concentration and over
six hundred years of practice is how it is done."

I sat there, a little dumbfounded. I just
couldn't imagine spending six hundred years on one task. Hell, I
couldn't fathom six hundred years.

"Where is your DVD player?" Barty asked, now
standing over me, hands on his hips. He was wearing pleated jeans
-who knew such a thing existed- and a very snug long sleeve
lavender polo shirt. I had to admit the lavender looked really good
with his pale skin and red hair. "Where is your DVD player?" he
asked, again.

I got up, opened the cabinet in the rolling
TV cart and handed Barty the little silver DVD player.

He held up the box, tugging at the tangled
mess of wires attached to the back. "What is all this?"

"They go to the converter box because my TV
doesn't have a connection for a DVD player."

He gave the TV a dirty look. "Your
electronics are prehistoric."

I returned my orange chair to its rightful
position and sat down. "Yeah well, teacher's salary." I swiveled a
couple times as I listened to Barty swear in at least three
different languages while he figured out the inner workings of my
Goodwill TV and $19.99 Wal-Mart DVD player.

I stopped spinning when the crappy music
began to play and Barty moved the blue chair over next to mine in
front of the TV.

"This is brand new. Ambros is releasing it in
September as part of our new Goddess Greek Yogurt campaign. It was
delivered today for the test group that's coming in on Monday. This
will be the first I've had a chance to see the finished product,"
he said, excitedly.

In my best I'm an empty headed cheerleader
voice I squealed, "Yippee! I can hardly wait!"

Barty ignored me and my sarcasm. "It's
basically yoga and simple strength training. Considering your lack
of coordination and balance, both should be helpful."

“I didn’t think yoga was considered cardio,”
I said.

“You’re so out of shape, any type of movement
becomes cardio.”

“Dickhead.”

“Try not to repeat yourself, and pay
attention,” Barty said.

I did as he said and turned my attention to
the TV screen that was showing a generic set of gray walls, a few
strategically placed potted plants and gray carpeted floor. I
expected a thin woman to bounce onto the set, swishing her blonde
ponytail, wearing a multi colored spandex leotard and matching
tights.

So I wasn't disappointed when a tall blonde
with swishing ponytail walked into the camera's view, though the
shear toga style wrap that clung to her body was a little bit of a
surprise. I wondered how she was going to be able to move in such a
get up, but as she turned her body at an angle, I was relieved to
see she also wore some type of undergarment.

She smiled big for the camera. "Finding my
inner goddess with help from Goddess Greek Yogurt has been a joyous
experience. You may not know this, but I wasn't born with the body
of a goddess," she said, as she ran her hands across her breasts,
down her stomach and then her thigh and butt. "I had to work for
it, and now I'm going to let you in on the secret of how to become
a goddess yourself." She ripped the toga off to reveal transparent
tights, a white thong and skimpy white sports bra.

I stood up and hit the pause button on the
DVD player. "If you made this for women, you've failed miserably.
However, the good news is, I think you could probably get back at
least most of your production costs in the soft porn market."

Barty stood up, towering over me, quickly
taking on a look of superiority. "Market research shows that women
respond to a perfect woman scenario when following an exercise
video- they want to see a representation of what they will become,
not what they are."

"That may be true, but she comes off like a
brainless idiot whose about to start escalating from PG -13
fondling to full out XXX behavior, any second."

Barty rolled his eyes and pushed the play
button. "Let's just watch the rest of the video."

"Okay, pre- goddesses, are you ready?" the
bimbo said, and then actually paused like she was the host of a
toddler show giving the audience time to answer. Ugh! "Okay. We're
going to start with some basic stretches. It's always best to warm
up your muscles before any kind of strenuous activity. Place your
feet flat on the floor about a foot apart and bend at your waist,
trying to put your hands flat on the floor. If you can't touch,
that's okay, just stretch. Mmmm, doesn't that feel good? Just feel
those back thigh muscles stretching. Here, let me turn around so
you can see what's happening to your body when you stretch.” She
turned and her shear-covered ass filled the screen.

"See the tightening of the muscles in my
thighs and buttocks when I bend over? Just feel that burn as you
bend your body forward, do you feel it? Let the tension ride and
slowly bounce a little forward to stretch, stretch, and stretch
those glutes. That's it. Good job. I can already see your inner
goddess glowing through you."

I reached over in front of Barty, determined
to turn the DVD off. He slapped my hand away. "Don't touch."

"You've got to be kidding me. I will not
watch porn with you. One, she isn't my type, and neither are you,
and two, I'm not in the mood. Besides, it's my TV, my DVD player,
and my apartment."

"We are going to finish watching it."

"No!" I yelled, walking around him to the
wall outlet so I could just unplug the damn thing. Barty stuck his
huge foot out to trip me. I saw it coming and jumped out of the
way, but before I could congratulate myself, he landed a kick to my
solar plexus that propelled me backwards and flat on my back,
gasping for air.

A happy Barty stood over me grinning. "Well,
I can at least say you made me use a second's worth of effort this
time. I must be doing something right with your training."

I didn't answer, at least not in words. I
pulled my right leg up through his spread legs, not a hard task
considering he had abnormally long legs, and kicked at the inside
of his knee. Barty buckled, and if I had done as Barty had shown
me, I would have twisted and caught his leg at a painfully
uncomfortable angle. However Barty, being the one who taught me the
move, recovered quickly, and while I was going for his leg, grabbed
my wrist, stepped over my arm and rolled onto his back, pulling my
shoulder and elbow in a direction they were not meant to go. It
hurt like hell.

"This is an arm bar," he said, not even out
of breath, the bastard. "Say I surrender and I'll let you go."

I was not going to surrender, at least not
yet. "First, admit I surprised you with the kick to the knee."

Barty sighed. "The move was not the best
executed but, I admit, you surprised me. Partly because you were
fast, preternaturally fast, which means your immortality is
starting to kick in, but I was also caught by surprise because I
saw no indication in your body or facial expression that you were
going to do anything but whine and cry about being thrown. That, I
have to admit, could be considered a success."

"You can reward me by letting go, without
having me surrender."

"You might think so, but no," he said,
increasing the pressure to my elbow.

"I surrender," I growled between clenched
teeth. Suddenly the pain was gone. Well, not really, but the
immediate excruciating pain was gone.

I sat up. Barty did the same. We ended up
facing each other in front of the TV. I looked around the room.
Except for my orange chair, which again had been turned over, the
living room didn't look any worse for wear from our scuffle. Even
the TV was still intact, showing the Greek porn goddess now doing
pelvic lifts.

"That has got to be the worst-" HADES IS TRUE
flashed across the screen.

"What the hell? Barty?"

Barty, who had also turned to watch the bimbo
thrust her pelvis, quickly stood up and pushed the rewind button on
the DVD player. He pushed the play button just as she was about to
start her first set of thrusts. HADES IS TRUE flashed across the
screen again.

"Barty-"

"Shhh!" he said, swatting at me like I was a
bug. "Shut up for one second." He pushed fast forward, and we
watched as the goddess bimbo went through her routine. Barty
stopped the DVD, rewinding it and pushing play every time there was
the slightest glitch across the screen. I ignored my impulse to
attack him again and picked up my orange chair so I could swivel
while he played with the DVD player.

There were four phrases in all: HADES IS
TRUE; HADES IS GOD; I GIVE MY SOUL TO HADES; HADES IS THE ONLY
TRUTH.

"Wow, that is some kind of ad campaign," I
said.

"They're subliminal. I guess the physical
gifts of our immortality enabled us to see them," Barty said,
sitting down on the couch.

"Everybody knows subliminal messages don't
work. Hell, you'd be more effective with product placement, make
another movie or something based on Greek mythology, and have
little Hades action figures. This," I pointed to the TV, "is just
bad porn with a few hokey flashes of color thrown in."

Barty started tracing the thin line of his
mustache with his thumb and index finger. "I think it's more than
just a cheap play at subliminal messages. I didn't approve this and
nothing is done on this ad campaign without my approval."

"Okay, so this is someone in the editing
department's idea of a practical joke. Personally, I think the
whole video is a joke," I said, rocking back and forth in my
chair.

"I don't think you understand the
implications. Though you seem to have no problem defying me and
showing me absolutely no respect, most, I would even say all, other
humans and most immortals, even a few lesser gods and goddesses,
fear me. They would not dare tamper with my work."

I stopped rocking, so Barty wouldn't miss me
rolling my eyes at his conceit. "So this is an idiotic, suicidal
someone's idea of a joke."

Barty smiled his scary smile. "No. It was
someone more terrifying than me, or with more power- a master
manipulator, the only person who could make a decision and not need
my approval or knowledge to do so. The CEO."

"Who is…?"

"Hades."

I started rocking again. "I knew you were
going to say that.”

"So why would Hades tamper with your video?" I asked.

Barty didn't answer. So, in a good impression
of Riley- rocking forward, leaning my elbows on my knees- I gave
Barty my version of an intense look and answered for him.
“Obviously it has to be part of some nefarious plan. I mean come
on, it's Hades we’re talking about, and if we go by the messages on
the DVD, I think it's just as obvious that he's trying to gain more
believers." I shrugged. "I assume this is the end goal for every
deity. The weird part, at least as I see it, is why subliminal
messages? Everyone knows the government tried them in the 70's, but
it didn't work. Hades may be the biggest asshole in existence, but
he's not dumb, so what is he really up to?"