Fate Undone (The Mythean Arcana Series Book 5) (25 page)

But now Ian’s word’s blared in her mind.
He loved you and tried to protect you.

It made rage and longing flare in her heart. What if she’d stayed despite all he’d said? Would she have pushed past his stupid method of trying to protect her? Would they have had a life together?

Her train of thought just pissed her off. The fact that she was even thinking that she should have stayed after he’d been so terrible to her pissed her off. Anger was much more palatable than regret or sadness, and a long time coming.

Logan reached out to her, presumably to adjust her blankets. She jerked away, her anger bubbling to the surface.

“Why, Logan? Why the hell did you decide it would be better to kick me out than try to make a life with me?” It tore open her heart to think of it. She’d loved him more than anything. More than herself. More than her goals or her mother.

And he’d rejected her after she’d given it all up for him.

He jerked as if she’d slapped him. “What?”

“Ian told me you drove me away that day because you wanted to protect me. He said it took you centuries to heal and you didn’t want me to stay in that miserable cave. I gave up godhood for you. I sacrificed Asgard.”

“I never asked you to. Leaving was your own choice. You blame everyone but yourself.”
 

“Maybe those I blame deserve it!”

His brow drew low and anger flared in his eyes. “Do you think I’d have asked you to give up what you wanted most?”

“That’s the problem, isn’t it? You never asked me. You never told me what you were going to do in the first place and you never asked me if I wanted to stay with you on Midgard. It’s true, isn’t it? You turned me away because you thought it best.” Just the thought of it enraged her.

Shock flashed across his face, then stubbornness and something else she couldn’t recognize. “Yes. It was the best for you.”

“You didn’t think I could take care of myself there?”

“Of course you could. But I wanted you to have a better life. What the hell’s wrong with that?”

She laughed crazily. “You idiot. I
loved
you. And you didn’t trust me to know my own mind? To make my own decisions? We could have been together. Yet you ruined it by breaking my heart.”

Pain flashed across his face and he reached out. “For that, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how much it would hurt you. I saw only your anger that day. Not the pain.”

“Because you didn’t want to see my pain. You wanted to make the decisions, like you always do. I would have stayed, Logan. And I would have been happy. But you were too damn arrogant to let me decide to do that.”

He heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry, Sylvi. I’m going to make it up to you.”

“If you care so much, why did you wait so long to come for me? It’s been centuries, Logan.”

“I thought you wouldn’t want to see me. Those were your last words to me. But being away from you eventually became too much. The labyrinth and the knowledge that you could be thrown into it switched something off in my head. I wanted another chance, no matter how you felt about it. I was—am—determined to convince you.”

“You’ve lost that chance. How can I trust someone who doesn’t trust me enough to know my own mind? To know if I want to be with him? To stay with him through the hard times? Would you stick by me if things got rough? If I was sick for centuries?”

“Of course.” The certainty in his voice filled the room. “I would
never
leave you if you needed me.”

“You’re not going to have a choice. When this is over, we’re over. I’ve been so shocked to see you back in my life—and I’ve remembered all the good times—that I forgot to protect myself. I remembered what I wanted and not what I needed. I listened to my hormones and made excuses and went for it. But what I really need is to not be hurt by you.”

“Never again.” He was at her side in an instant, his hands gripping her shoulders.

She pushed him off of her and rolled over. “Go away, Logan. I’m sick. I don’t want to see you.”

The tears were starting to burn in her eyes. He had to leave before the sobs started.

“No, Sylvi. I won’t be parted from you again. I’ll earn your forgiveness.” His voice was fierce. “I’ll earn you back.”

“I have no forgiveness for you and I never will. Go away.” She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to hold her breath to stifle the tears. It only made her ribs ache more. All of her ached and her grief only made it worse.

When silence fell, she opened her eyes. The room was dark and she was alone.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Sylvi woke the next morning to the most magnificent smell. The usual bacon and eggs of breakfast wafted through the house, but also something sweeter. Familiar. It made her heart squeeze tight in her chest.

She tried to ignore it as she struggled to climb out of the bed. Her muscles were so weak and her bones so sore that she just couldn’t stand. She collapsed back on the bed with a groan.

Logan entered a moment later. “I thought I heard you up,” he said. “You look a lot better.”

“I’m angry at you. Remember?” But most of her rage had dissipated. She’d purged it last night with her yelling and the following fit of tears. Now she was just drained.
 

And she’d remembered the second part of what she’d felt when the Retaliator had crushed her: regret. She mourned the time she’d lost with Logan. No matter how angry she was with him, she couldn’t cut off the part of herself that cared for him.

“I remember that you’re angry with me, Sylvi, but I don’t care. That’s all in the past. I prefer the future. I’m going to make you like me again.”

“If this is the future, it sucks.” She hurt so badly that she was just angry.

“Only temporarily. Let me help you to the bathroom,” he said. He didn’t wait for her reply. Instead, he swept her up into his arms so gently that she barely felt the transition to horizontal.

She made him leave after he sat her on the toilet, then struggled to take care of basic necessities. Pulling down one’s own pants while trying to balance on bones and muscles made of jelly was beyond difficult. Thankfully the bathroom was small, so she managed to reach her brush and a towel that she ran under the sink for a rough sponge bath.
 

She was only slightly better off than when she’d first come in, but she was too tired and sore to continue on.

“Logan?” she called, annoyed that she needed his help, but grateful for it.

He knocked a moment later and she called him in.

“Ready for breakfast?” he asked as he picked her up.

“That’s what I smelled?” she asked, referring to the bacon scent that had emanated from the kitchen earlier.

“Yes.” He carried her into the bedroom and sat her back upon her bed, pulling the covers up over her legs. “I’ll be right back.”

Sylvi was struggling to hold onto her anger when he returned carrying a tray. She was still hurt, and still a little angry, but it was hard to hold onto the worst of it when he was taking such good care of her. She’d yelled at him last night about whether or not he’d be there to take care of her when she needed him.

She had the answer to that.

“Here, have some almond apple cake,” he said as he set the tray down on her lap. “You aren’t supposed to have a large meal, but I thought you’d like this.”

That’s what she’d been smelling. Her eyes immediately prickled at the sight of the little cake on the platter. He must have eaten the bacon and eggs but had made this for her. It had always been her favorite. Back in Asgard, he used to bring her some from the kitchens whenever they made it.

“How did you remember?” she asked.

“I remember everything about you. I’m going to make you forgive me.”

“No, you’re not.”

“You’re terrible at forgiveness.” He took the seat in the corner.
 

“So? Maybe you don’t deserve it.”

“I want it. Whether or not I deserve it. And I’m going to convince you to give it to me.”

Sylvi ignored him and picked up the divine little cake and took a bite. It exploded on her tongue, awakening her senses—sweet and tart and the best thing she’d ever tasted. Of course he’d be a good cook. He no doubt used his magic. But however he made it, it tasted so good it didn’t matter.

“Did I get it right?” he asked.

“I’m not talking to you right now.” But she was starting to cave.

“You have to eventually.”

“Long enough to destroy the labyrinth. But then we’re done. Your face reminds me of how you hurt me and everything bad that happened back then. I don’t want to think about it.”

“That’s just your problem. Did you ever think that you don’t forgive because you don’t want to think about the wrong done to you in order to forgive the person?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“That you don’t like to think about the bad things that have happened to you. Forgiveness requires you to think about what the other person has done wrong and forgive them for it, but you don’t want to even think about it, so you can’t start to forgive. You run instead.”

“Stop psychoanalyzing me.” She didn’t run. But if she didn’t want to think about the sadder parts of her life, that was just smart. It hadn’t been easy to be a demigod in Asgard and it sure hadn’t been easy to make her way on earth in the Middle Ages.
 

“I know you think you’re just protecting yourself.”

She scowled at how right he was.

“But your life would be fuller if you could forgive,” he said. “You’re missing out on a lot by cutting people off right away.”

“Oh, like you, I suppose?”

He shrugged. “Or your mother. Fates know I’m not fan of Freya. But I care for you. I want you to be happy. Having her in your life would probably make you happy.”

The sweet taste of the cake died on her tongue at the mention of her mother. As angry as she was with Logan, it was nothing compared to how she felt about her mother. Even now, against her wishes, she could feel herself cracking in her opposition to Logan. He’d always been so good to her, with the exception of that one time that still pissed her off. But with her mother, there was no crack in her armor of anger.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said. But he was at least partially right and she hated it. She’d lived with herself long enough to have studied all her own motivations and poked some holes in them, but it’d been easier just to pretend everything was fine. When someone else was telling her the exact same thing, it was harder to ignore.

“Ignoring everything bad in your past isn’t healthy, Sylvi,” Logan said. What she was doing worried him. She wasn’t facing any of the bad in her past. She picked up and moved on, packing away her baggage for another day.

“It was working really well, actually. Until you appeared and dredged up all my bad memories.”

“If you made peace with them, you’d be happier.” He didn’t normally think about such emotional shit, but he wanted to prove to her—to himself—that she could forgive. If she could forgive her mother, then she could forgive him. He hoped.

“I don’t want to make peace with them.” There was a combative glint in her eyes now.
 

“I think you should.”

“I think you should quit being so bossy!”

“Give it a chance. Let me show you your mother.”

“Like in the past when she kicked me out? Do you think you’ll convince me that she couldn’t have stopped it?”

“I can’t see into the past so I can’t show it to you. But I don’t think you need to see that. You know your mother couldn’t have stopped all the gods when their will was united, no matter how powerful she was. I think you just need to see her now to remember her. Jar your memory and remind yourself of the reality that exists outside your desire to protect yourself.”

She turned her head from him, stubbornness in the set of her brow. But she didn’t say no. She’d been able to believe the things she’d told herself about her mother because no one had ever told her differently. But she was too smart to try to keep believing them in the face of the truths he made her confront.

He conjured the Immortal Fire at the edge of her bed, a smaller flame than usual since he didn’t want to singe her bedding. He had more than enough control not to burn her house down, but he didn’t want to do even the slightest amount of damage.