Family Values (3 page)

             
Madison, Landon and I walked into the kitchen. I pulled a chair from the table and flopped down. Landon wiped away the tears that streamed down his face.

MADISON
             

What was said?

DWIGHT

I told Landon the truth about why your grandparents hated me so much.

MADISON

Why did you do that? It was best that he didn’t know.

LANDON

So all of this is true?

MADISON

Landon, forget everything you heard. We are all family. We are
Coves. Nothing will ever change that.

DWIGHT

Maddie, do you know who my real father is?

             
Madison opened the refrigerator ignoring me. I got up and slammed it closed. Madison jumped when she turned to me.

MADISON

No! I don’t.

DWIGHT

But you knew that Grandfather and Grandmother did not care for me because of all of this.

LANDON

What about our mom? You two knew her. Was she killed by Grandfather?

             
Before anyone could answer him, the doorbell rang. Madison exited to answer the door.

             
Moments later I walked into the foyer to go into the living area. As soon as I stepped in, the paramedics were rolling my grandfather out on a stretcher. My heart was racing and I almost dropped my soda when I saw his body covered.

             
Grandmother was a few feet behind with a handkerchief to wipe her eyes. Madison was walking with the nurse that had sat with Grandfather while he was home.

             
I was mixed with emotions. This man that I called “Grandfather” was no longer with us. This man that I called “Grandfather” told me to my face that I was a bastard child. This man that I called “Grandfather” exiled me from his will.

LANDON

Dwight…what do we do now?

DWIGHT

Baby brother, we live.

LANDON

How are you feeling?

DWIGHT

To be honest, I don’t know.

LANDON

Are you going to stay?

DWIGHT

Yes. Out of respect I must.

             
Madison walked back into the house. She explained that she was going with grandmother to the funeral home to make the arrangements. I told her that I was going to get a room for the rest of my stay. Madison begged me not to do that. She said that she would talk with grandmother about me staying at the ranch.

             
I did not want her to waste her time. Grandmother was in a fragile state and she would not make a rational decision right now. I didn’t want to put added stress on her.

As I lay in my hotel room staring at the ceiling I pondered what the future would hold with Grandfather being gone. I replayed everything that he told me on his deathbed. I could but I chose not about to pass judgment on him. Grandfather was a good man for his family.

             
I picked up my phone to call Brian. As soon as I pressed the speed dial button – betrayal leaped into my head. My thoughts were on the kiss that I shared with Patrick. It was wrong for me to kiss him. But it felt so familiar. How could I betray my lover of two years? I felt so alone, and l
oneliness is the worst feeling any person can feel.  Who could I call and talk to about everything that I was feeling inside? I have had this feeling so many times before. I found myself thinking, saying, and doing all kinds of things that I wouldn’t ordinarily do. I confess that being lonely has caused me to drink, smoke, and fuck more than I care to think about.

             
Admittedly, I no longer practice the same coping strategies that I once did; however, like Janet Jackson says; at times
I get so lonely
.  The craziest part about the sporadic bouts of loneliness in my life is that many times I struggle with the feelings while being in a healthy relationship, in the presence of my siblings, or being surrounded by friends. 

             
In hindsight I now understand that I get lonely not because I don’t have people present in my life - I get lonely because I do not always take the time to be present for myself.  Sometimes I forget who I am.   

             
In other words I am the only one who can examine, touch, accept, or reject any feelings of loneliness that I face. 

Yes it sounds corny but self-love is an essential skill one must acquire when transitioning from young adulthood to adulthood.
  I didn’t learn to like and love the person I knew I was.  I have found that many of my friends, especially my gay ones, are constantly complaining about how lonely they are and how tired they are of being by themselves.  I have stopped asking certain people “How are you?” because I already know the broken record of how they just want somebody! 

             
Some people literally don’t even allow themselves to be single for more than a week before they are beating the dead horse looking at those same profiles on A4A, BGC, Grindr, Jack’d or the likes hoping that they will find someone new to be with.  It is so pathetic.  Then once they “catch” someone that’s all they talk about-
#teamTaken, my boo, I’m so in love- yadda, yadda, yadda
. 

             
I picked up my phone to call Brian.

BRIAN

Hello.

DWIGHT

How are you?

BRIAN

I am good, just fixing me something to eat.

DWIGHT

Oh okay. What did you cook?

BRIAN

Baked chicken, yellow rice, broccoli and cheese, and I baked a sour cream pound cake.

DWIGHT

Baby, you know that I love your cakes.

BRIAN

You are so crazy.

DWIGHT

I am talking about the ones that you bake. I hope you save me some.

BRIAN

Yeah sure, I know that Mr. Cove. How about I save you a slice?

DWIGHT
I want more than a slice.

BRIAN

Okay. How is your family?

DWIGHT

They are all good. I came and got a room to stay in while I am here.

BRIAN

Why don’t you stay with your family?

DWIGHT

Long story.

BRIAN
I am here to listen. You know…that is one thing that kills me with you. Your family business has always been so personal and private with you. I asked you before about certain things and you change the subject.

DWIGHT
I promise that I will tell you everything once I come to grips with it myself.

BRIAN

You know I love you right?

DWIGHT

Do you know I love you more? You are the only thing that I can really call my own. I am forever grateful to you and for you.

BRIAN

Dwight, tell me what’s wrong. I can hear it in your tone.

DWIGHT

I kissed another man today.

             
I didn’t know what to expect when I blurted that out. I waited on hearing him hang up. I waited on him screaming. But there was nothing.

DWIGHT

Brian, are you there?

BRIAN

Yeah, I am here. I am just trying to process what I heard you say. Who was it?

DWIGHT

When I was driving here from the airport I stopped by an old friend’s house. I met his wife and child. He walked me to the deer shed and it went from there.

BRIAN

Did you have sex with him?

DWIGHT

No. I promise you that I didn’t.

BRIAN

Okay. That’s cool. Did the kiss mean anything to you?

DWIGHT

At first it did…

BRIAN

Bye.

             
Suddenly I was alone again. He ended the call so quickly that I could not explain myself. I knew that I should not have told him. But I don’t want any lies in my relationship. I have got to get out of here.

Driving around looking for a liquor store it hit me that Waynesboro is a dry town. Damn! I don’t want to drive to Merid
Noah or Laurel. Light bulb – my girl Ms. Sharon. I know that she has something.

             
I took a chance and drove to her house hoping that she was home. When I arrived I noticed cars parked all over the yard. I got out of my car and knocked on the door. I heard blues music coming from inside. I knew that I was in for a treat. I knocked again and opened the door.

             
When I entered I heard people laughing and talking. Suddenly someone called out my name. I turned and spotted Ms. Sharon.

MS. SHARON

Dwight! What a surprise to see you home? What are you doing here?

DWIGHT

My grandfather died.

MS. SHARON

I am so sorry to hear that.

DWIGHT

Thanks, but oh well.

MS. SHARON

Well come around and get you a drink.

             
She took me by my hand and led me to the kitchen. I took a seat at the bar.

MS.SHARON
What do you want to drink?

DWIGHT

Give me a pint of gin and orange juice.

MS. SHARON

No it is a party. I am not selling tonight. So do you still want gin and juice?

DWIGHT
(laughing)

That’s what I asked for isn’t it?

MS. SHARON

Look here dammit…I will knock your ass out. Just because you been gone don’t mean that anything
around here has changed.

DWIGHT

You know that I have to give you hell when I come here.

MS. SHARON

I know it. Here is your drink. Now you know you are at home – enjoy yourself.

             
I took a swig of my drink. WOW! It was so strong that it stopped me in my tracks. I walked around the house looking to see who all was there and speaking to various people that I hadn’t seen in years.

             
I finished off that drink and went for a refill. I made sure that I watched the amount of gin that was poured in my cup. I didn’t want to get drunk tonight. Then again maybe I should. Just to get some things off of my mind. But I know that when I wake in the morning the same issues will still be there.

             
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I noticed that Madison was calling me.

             
I walked outside so that I could hear the conversation.

DWIGHT

Yes ma’am?

MADISON

Where are you?

DWIGHT

At a friend’s house, why?

MADISON

I was just asking. We are about to have dinner with Grandmother.

DWIGHT

Okay.

MADISON

Are you coming?

DWIGHT

No. You all go ahead.

MADISON

Dwight I am going to need you to get over your issues with Grandmother this one time.

DWIGHT

Maddie, you are not the one that she doesn’t like. She won’t notice that I am not there. Did you all make the arrangements for Grandfather?

MADISON

Yes. We are going to tell everyone at dinner.

DWIGHT

Well you can tell me now because I am not coming.

MADISON

For me would you come?

DWIGHT

No. Just tell me know.

MADISON
We are going to have the funeral tomorrow at 11:00 at St. Mary’s.

DWIGHT

Really?! This early. I guess you all are ready to read the will.

MADISON

Don’t be an ass Dwight.

DWIGHT

That is the only reason why you all are putting him in the ground that quick. Look, I will be at funeral, but I am leaving afterward.

MADISON

Okay Dwight. I will talk to you later.

             
When I ended the phone call I wanted to throw my phone. But I was not going to allow the hate that my grandparents have for me dictate my life anymore.