Family Pieces (18 page)

“Hanna?”

“Hey, K. I was up until two in the morning studying. I’m exhausted. What time is it anyway?”

“It’s nine-thirty.”

“Awww…class isn’t until eleven. I could have slept at least another thirty minutes. I know you don’t understand, Ms. Early Riser, but some of us need our sleep.”

“Sorry.”

“So, what’s up? You called twice. It better be important.”

“Actually, it is.” Karsen ran down her morning for Hanna.

“Pregnant?” Hanna repeated, uncertain that in her haze she’d heard correctly. “What?” She sat up on her bed, instantly awake.

“Hanna. I don’t need lectures right now. I’m not even sure how this happened. But, unless this baby was immaculately conceived, it’s James’s. What am I going to do?”

“Well, I figured that, unless you’ve been holding out on me. But weren’t you careful?”

“Apparently not careful enough. Hanna, can you do me a favor. Please don’t tell Brad. I mean, at least not yet. I need to figure this all out first, okay?”

“Okay. I’ll come over tonight after my exam. We can talk then. Say six-ish?”

“Thanks.” Karsen clicked off her Blackberry and set it on the table. She stared at it. The cheerful pink crystals seemed so important before. She had begged her dad to buy the phone for her and spent several painstaking hours placing the crystals for decoration. Now the whole thing seemed trivial. She questioned why she ever cared about a stupid piece of electronics. How silly and immature she’d been. She was barely an adult herself. How could she raise a child? How could she afford to raise a child? More importantly, how could she raise a child ALONE?

13

A
s promised, Hanna arrived that evening at Karsen’s apartment.

“I brought ice cream.” Hanna held up a carton of cookies and cream in one hand and two plastic spoons in the other.

“Thanks.” Karsen managed a meager grin as she grabbed one of the spoons and welcomed her in. “As long as I’m going to get fat anyway, I might as well dig in.”

“You wouldn’t be fat, you’d be pregnant. There is a difference.” Hanna made her way to the couch and sat down. She popped off the lid and took a bite. “Now come sit down and let’s figure this out.”

Karsen sat facing her. She scooped out a bite and let the sweetness linger on her tongue.

“I can’t believe you’re pregnant.” Hanna said.

“Trust me. It was the last thing I was thinking. Have you seen those shows where girls show up at the ER and have a baby claiming they never knew they were pregnant? I always thought they must be crazy. How could I not have known? The dizzy spell. The nausea.”

“You were under a lot of stress. Those symptoms could easily be stress related. Stop beating yourself up.”

“I know. I wish I could.”

“Have you thought about what you want to do?”

“Not really. I figure I need to do the ultrasound tomorrow and then I’ll decide when to tell James. I’m sure that’s going to be fun.”

“Maybe he’ll surprise you?”

“Right. It’s James we’re talking about. He puts on a good show…I certainly fell for it. But, he’s a conceited asshole. Everyone knew it but me. You think he is going to want a kid right now?”

“Karsen.”

“I know. I know. Stop beating myself up, but how? I mean. What happened to my life? Everything always came so easily to me before. My life was practically charmed. Now, everything is going wrong and I don’t think I can take any more.”

“It’s going to be okay, K.”

“I keep telling myself that. Then more things keep happening. Maybe it’s a mistake. Maybe the test was wrong,” Karsen said trying to convince herself.

Hanna couldn’t stay late and left. The rest of the night passed slowly, the ongoing stress and fatigue weighing heavily on Karsen. She couldn’t sleep. She watched the hours click by, one by one, on her digital alarm clock, until the sun finally shone through her window. She tried to imagine telling her father, and every time her heart started pounding against her chest and her eyes watered until she couldn’t stand the thought any longer and buried her face back into her pillow.

In the morning, Hanna landed unannounced on Karsen’s doorstep just before eight-thirty. She knocked on the door. Karsen felt a rush of relief knowing she wouldn’t have to go to her appointment alone, although she should’ve expected nothing less from her friend. She cleared the lump in her throat. “Hey.”

“Hey.” With everything her friend had been through, Hanna couldn’t help but worry. She knew Karsen was strong, but she also knew she’d never experienced anything near this magnitude. Just one of the traumatic events she had endured would be hard enough, but it seemed the hits just kept on coming. Hanna was determined not to let her down. “I thought you might want someone to go with you.”

“Thanks. You don’t know how much so.”

A different nurse than the day before escorted Karsen back down the familiar hallway to an examination room. Hanna followed behind. There was a large black and white monitor along with a machine similar to a computer. Karsen took a seat on the long examination table and nervously fidgeted as they waited for the doctor. Hanna sat quietly on a small chair by the wall, not knowing what to do or say.

A woman dressed in light blue scrubs entered and introduced herself as the ultrasound technician. Her nametag read Mary and Karsen estimated she was in her early forties. Mary asked Karsen to pull up her shirt and tucked a towel between her belly and her jeans. She squirted a clear jelly on the area just below Karsen’s belly button and then moved a wand-like device over top.

“See that,” Mary pointed to a flash on the screen. “That’s the heartbeat.” Her voice was tender. Karsen concealed her disappointment and simply nodded her head in acknowledgment that she indeed saw the tiny pulse of a heartbeat. She had dreamed of having children, but the scenario in her perfectly planned imaginings differed greatly. She’d envisioned herself experiencing this moment except it was not with Hanna by her side. She pictured her husband holding her hand, both of them laughing and smiling at the first sight of their child. How naive she’d been, ridiculing the mass of teenagers who found themselves pregnant claiming their birth control failed or they only had sex once. It only took once and, birth control or no birth control, there was no denying that a life was growing inside her.

“Dr. Warren estimated about right. The fetus is measuring right around eight weeks. Any earlier and the heartbeat may not be visible.” Mary typed a few keystrokes before setting down the device and wiping the excess gel off of Karsen. “Everything looks good at this point. Congratulations.”

She handed Karsen a four-by-six piece of slick white paper. Karsen scanned the black and white image that looked like nothing more than a small peanut.

“Thanks,” Karsen said out of obligation. How could you tell a stranger this was not what you wanted? How did other girls react? How many unplanned pregnancies had this technician dealt with working at the college health facility? Perhaps she assumed Karsen was just another statistic.

“Go ahead and get dressed. Dr. Warren will be in.”

Karsen mustered another thank you.

A few minutes later the door opened and Dr. Warren entered with Karsen’s file in hand.

“So everything appears to be normal at this point. Based on your measurements and the date of your last menstrual cycle, your due date calculates to October sixth.”

Due date? Karsen had prayed all night that the test was wrong, that she wasn’t pregnant, or if she was that she’d miscarry and it would all go away. Then she felt horrible and ashamed at wishing for an unsuccessful pregnancy when so many women couldn’t conceive.

“Now, I know your friend is here...” Dr. Warren continued.

“You can say anything in front of her,” Karsen interrupted. “It’s okay.”

“All right then. You do have options and I’d like to help you through them. You should take some time to think. When it comes to an unplanned pregnancy, the last thing you want to do is make a rash decision you may regret. There are repercussions with every path.”

“I understand.”

“In the mean time, we need you to make sure you are taking care of yourself. The prenatals are a start. No alcohol, no sushi, no smoking, no drugs.”

“Not an issue.”

“Also, watch your caffeine and drink plenty of water.”

“What about running?”

“Exercise is good as long as you don’t overdo it and stay hydrated.” Dr. Warren closed the file. “Karsen, I’m not an obstetrician. If you decide to keep the baby, we’ll need to find you one.”

“I understand.”