Family Pieces (17 page)

Three weeks had passed since the breakup. James’s calls had finally ceased, allowing Karsen to refocus. She continued plugging through her classes, trying to catch up from her extended absence. Alone in her apartment, she dabbled with the family tree website well into the night. Not knowing where to begin, she spent most of her time engrossed in other people’s stories. Stories of hurt, fear, joy and hope, stories that allowed her to feel emotions vicariously instead of having to feel her own.

She hadn’t been herself lately, which she chalked up to stress and perhaps a touch of mild depression. She felt unusually fatigued and still harbored a bit of queasiness at times. She’d even contemplated scheduling an appointment with a counselor at the student health center. Hanna’s idea really, not her own. However, she couldn’t bring herself to do it, figuring she’d been through a lot and anyone in her shoes would be feeling the same.

Another week went by, and Karsen’s subconscious nudged her on. She just wanted to feel normal again. Maybe Hanna was right. Maybe talking to someone would help.
I’ll make an appointment tomorrow,
she thought, finally acknowledging that she had to do something. Normally, this would be a time she’d call her mom. Hanna listened empathetically but had little experience to draw advice from. Brad had finally initiated a first date with her. Between his classes, auditions and now Hanna, the time he allocated to Karsen was limited. She needed someone who could focus on her.

“Sign in here.”

The receptionist handed Karsen a clipboard with several pages of forms.

“Fill this out and bring it up when you’re done. We’ll also need a copy of your insurance card.”

Karsen nodded and looked around for a pen. The receptionist plucked a large, artificial yellow daisy out of a small terracotta pot filled with coffee beans. Taped to the flower was a pen. “We make sure people return them this way.” Karsen gave her an uncomfortable grin.

She sat down in a corner chair, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. The last thing she needed was to run into someone she knew. She didn’t want to admit she was there to see a therapist. She filled in her contact information, insurance and health history. When she finished, she handed it back to the attendant.

“Will this appointment show as a therapy session?” she asked in a hushed voice. “I don’t want my father to see it on the insurance. I don’t want him to know.”

“No need to worry, dear. It will read as an appointment here, but you can just tell him it was an annual well-woman check-up. That will usually scare any dad away.”

Karsen smiled wanly and hoped she was right. It took everything in her to sit back down in the waiting room instead of running out the front door.

“Karsen Woods.” A nurse called her name. Karsen gathered her bag and met her at the door. The nurse led her to a scale, which Karsen thought oddly unnecessary since she was only there to see a shrink. “Just your vitals. It’s routine,” the nurse said.

The nurse proceeded to check her blood pressure and temperature. She then left Karsen alone in the doctor’s office. The office was furnished with a desk and two chairs upholstered in an earthy green ribbed fabric. Karsen scanned the diplomas and licenses on the wall. A slight medicinal smell lingered from the adjacent exam rooms. Her apprehension intensified as she waited. The familiar queasy feeling from the past several weeks crept up her throat.

“Karsen?” The door opened behind her. She stood and turned to see a woman doctor with her hand extended toward her.

“Hi.” Karsen reached out to shake.

“Sorry for the wait.” The doctor turned to close the door. “Would you like a bottle of water?”

“No, I’m fine thank you,” Karsen said uncomfortably.

“I’m Dr. Warren. Is this your first time talking to a psychiatrist?”

Karsen nodded.

“Nervous?”

Karsen nodded again like a child who has lost her voice.

“Don’t be. We can talk as little or as much as you like.”

Karsen appreciated her gentleness. Dr. Warren looked to be in her early forties. Her hair was tucked neatly behind her ears and she wore stylish glasses that gave her an intellectual look befitting her profession.

“So, is there anything you wanted to talk specifically about today?” Dr. Warren asked.

Karsen fiddled with her necklace. “I guess.” She paused. “I guess… I don’t really know where to begin.”

“Just start where you feel comfortable. All I’d like to do today is to get an idea of your background first and then we can discuss where we go from there.”

“Okay.” Karsen tapped the charm of her necklace against her lip. It was a nervous habit she had developed since childhood. “I guess I’ve been feeling… um…not myself lately. My mother was in an accident just after the holiday break and I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me two weeks after that.”

“Those undoubtedly are significant events. And your mom’s accident…was it serious?”

“Yes.” Karsen tried to retain her composure. “She passed away. Instantly, we think. It was a car accident.”

“I’m sorry. You certainly are going through a lot right now. I can understand why you’re not feeling like yourself. That is perfectly normal. However, I do think its good that you’re here. Asking for help doesn’t undermine your personal strength. It will only help.”

Karsen felt her apprehension wane and started to open up about her feelings over the last two months, including her queasiness and fatigue. Dr. Warren listened intently, gently prompting Karsen with additional questions when needed.

“Karsen, I know grief can display itself in many ways. I certainly know there is an emotional component and that talking to me, or another psychologist, is going to benefit you. However, I wanted to ask one more question stemming from your physical symptoms.”

Karsen looked up at her.

“Your chart shows the date of your last period as December 31. Are you sexually active?”

Karsen wondered how this was relevant, but answered nonetheless. “I was. That is, until we broke up. My periods have always been irregular. I’ve been told because of my athletics that it is normal. I swam all through high school and I run about twenty miles per week.”

“Well, sometimes that’s true, exercise can alter your cycle but,” Dr. Warren hesitated, “have you taken a pregnancy test just in case?”

Karsen sat bewildered.
Pregnancy test?
The thought had not even entered her mind. They’d used birth control. The likeliness of one sperm meeting one egg in one 24-hour period was slim. Then again, how many teens get knocked up every year?

“Karsen?”

“No. I can’t be…pregnant. We used birth control.”

“Even birth control isn’t one hundred percent effective.”

Karsen’s mind raced. The nausea, the lightheadedness, the fatigue. It all made sense now, but not once had she thought that she could be pregnant. She tried to think through every time she’d been with James. The last time was the night she had returned from Indiana. Had they used anything? She couldn’t remember. Her emotions had taken over and all she remembered was his leaving afterwards.

“Karsen.”

“Yes…?” she replied absently.

“They can do a test for you here if you are concerned. At the very least it will clear the possibility and ease your mind. I think it’s a good idea.” She reached over and placed her hand on Karsen’s to comfort her. Her voice was soothing, like a mother’s to a child.

Karsen agreed, not knowing what else to do. A disconnect took hold of her and once again she could hardly believe what was happening.

Karsen thumbed through an old issue of
Urbane
while sitting back in the waiting room. Unable to focus, she glanced only at the pictures. Time inched along. Fifteen minutes felt like hours. “Karsen Woods.” The same nurse from earlier called her name again and led her back to the same office. “Dr. Warren will be back in momentarily.”

Karsen sat again in the same green chair, this time noticing the tiny frays on its upholstered arms. She nervously picked at the threads.

Dr. Warren returned and leaned against the front of her desk in front of Karsen. Crossing her arms, she looked down at her legs, also crossed at her ankles. She didn’t speak right away as if trying to formulate a way to soften the blow.

“Karsen, as I suspected, the test came back positive. You are pregnant.”

Karsen gazed blankly past Dr. Warren. Her disbelief immobilized her. She heard the words and tried to process the information. She was just getting back into some kind of normal routine. She wasn’t happy, but at least she was taking strides to move on.
Everything that has happened and now this?
She blinked back tears as she took in the news.

“I know this is not what you expected when you scheduled your appointment today; however, it’s better to know early. Calculating from the date of your last period, you’re probably eight weeks along, or somewhere thereabout.”

“What am I going to do?”

“Well, that’s a decision only you can make. However, first we need to confirm how far along the pregnancy really is. The reception desk can schedule an appointment for you to come back for an ultrasound. Then, I’d like you to schedule another appointment with me. We can continue our session from today and talk about your options with the pregnancy as well.”

“Options?” Karsen never imagined herself facing these choices.

“Yes. I’d like you to get in tomorrow if possible, the sooner the better. In the meantime, I’ll have the nurse practitioner write a prescription for prenatal vitamins for you to start.”

Karsen fumbled through the motions of thanking Dr. Warren. She felt as though she’d been knocked out in a fight, but her opponent continued to kick her in the gut.

“Is there a friend you can confide in?”

“Yeah.” Karsen mustered in reply. She looked down at the appointment card crumpled between her fingers. Tomorrow would confirm the inevitable.

The moment Karsen arrived at her apartment, she dialed the phone frantically. The phone rang four or five times before transferring into voice mail. “This is Hanna. Leave a message and I’ll call you back…. beeeep.”

“Hanna. Pick up the f’in phone!” Karsen hung up and dialed again.

Pick-up. Pick-up. Pick-up
…
Pleeeaaase, pick-up!
Karsen tapped her foot impatiently with each ring. Two rings, three rings…

“Hello?” A sleepy voice crackled on the other end.