Falling For Crazy (Moroad Motorcycle Club) (26 page)

"Amy, he—"

"I don't care what he's done. I don't care that going to prison so many times has changed him." Her anger fled, leaving her winded. "When he refused to come back to me, I was mad. But weeks later, I see all of you ignoring what's going on and leaving him out of the club meetings. He doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. He thinks of Moroad as his family, and not one of you care that he's hurting. You wouldn't treat Johnson or Merk or whoever that way."

Bear puffed out his whiskered cheeks. "That's club business."

"Fuck club business," she whispered. "I want to know where Jacko is, right now."

Cam stepped into view. "Take her to Jacko."

Bear's brows lowered. "Jacko doesn't want—"

"I'll deal with Jacko. Take Amy and let him deal with her." Cam's mouth tightened and he focused on her.

She stood her ground though her legs shook, and her lungs failed to work properly. He was allowing her to see Jacko, to find out what was going on, to learn what was going through his head. God, she had to see him, explain her anger, and tell him everything she never got a chance to say.

"Bear, wait by your bike." Cam waited until he and Amy were alone. "I'll give you time with Jacko, but I want something in return."

"Anything," she said, only wanting to go to Jacko.

"Whether Jacko and you work your shit out or not, I never want to hear you make a judgment against one of my members again. You open your mouth and spill Jacko's business or even hint at his business, I will make sure you're not able to talk. I get how you want to protect him, and I respect your position as his woman, but if Jacko wants everyone to know he's fucking crazy, then you stand down and let him live his life the way he wants to live it."

Her eyes stung. In her passion to find Jacko, she'd said too much. She nodded in agreement.

Cam stepped back, lifted his chin, and said, "Talk to him."

She hurried over to Bear, climbed onto the back of his bike, and grabbed on to the sides of his vest with all her strength. Riding into the unknown scared her to death. She neither knew how Jacko would welcome her or if he wanted anything to do with her. He'd confessed to loving her to Sarah, and she needed to know if that was true. She couldn't let him walk away without fighting for that love.

A half hour later, Bear pulled up in front of her old house where she'd lived with Sarah. The instant the motorcycle shut off, she asked, "Why are we here?"

In the dark, the abandoned and rundown house sat hidden behind the trees in the front yard. She shivered, always reminded of happier and more innocent times compared to her life now.

Bear smacked the handlebar. "The asshole's gone."

"Jacko? He was staying here?"

Bear's body shifted. "Yeah."

"Why was he here?"

"You'll have to ask him when he shows up. I'll take you back to the motel and inform the club he's missing." Bear started the engine.

She peered over her shoulder at the house. Without knowing what kind of state of mind Jacko was in lately, she had no clue where to find him.

A
my unlocked the motel room, stepped inside, and slammed the door. Without turning on the light, she stepped over to the bed and laid down. The myriad of emotions from anger to excitement to worry the last two hours left her beat.

"Where are you?" she whispered to the room.

A hand slid over her mouth. She screamed against the rough-skinned fingers, her muscles instantly constricted.

"Sh, it's me." Jacko's breath warmed her ear. "Whatever you do, don't scream again."

She nodded. His hand slipped from her mouth and circled her waist. She lay on her side, panting through her fear.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered.

He held her back against his chest, refusing to let her turn toward him. "I don't want any of the Moroad members to know I'm here yet."

"Are you in trouble?" She stared into the dark.

A shudder rocked through him. "No, I'm running for my life."

She absorbed his tremor. "I'll help you."

"I hope so, Momma." he whispered.

In the still of the night, pressed together, his heartbeat matched her own. She waited for him to go on, wanting to slow the clock and have more time with him, knowing whatever he planned to do would change his life, and hers.

"I've held on to my mind when men who have gone through less have completely lost theirs." He swallowed. The gulp softly filled the silence. "But, when you faced me at the Institute, told me you were
in
, I lost it."

She laid her hand over his on her stomach. His reputation for acting out worried her. He'd always controlled himself around her and Sarah.

"What happened?"

"I second-guessed myself." He held her tighter. "In my life, I can't do that. I've made sure I run on instinct. One mistake can get me killed. Everything that had happened since my first incarceration to when you came back into my life scrambled my thinking. I can't see past the four walls I erected around myself. There are locked bars keeping me away from you. After I finished my job and left you, I spent a couple weeks watching you without you knowing I was around. I could see you, but I couldn't touch you. I tried everything I could to break out, Momma. All I wanted to do was be with you, even if you hated me. Even if the worst thing I can do is love you."

"Then, you do love me?" she whispered.

"Yeah," he said, the confirmation came deep, raw, and painful.

"How do you know?"

He grunted. "I can't explain it."

"Try," she said.

He hesitated and after a minute, she thought he wasn't going to answer, and then he said, "Only thing I can compare how I'm feeling is when I walk out of prison, and the sun hits my shoulders, and the Cyclone fence is behind me. That warmth from the outside fills my whole body and my adrenaline kicks in. My heart hammers in my chest as if I'd ran miles to get there. Everything is green, the grass, the trees. It's like a dose of happiness and for a split second I have the thought that I want to remain free, I'll never commit another crime. I'll never kill again. It all happens so fast before I realize how fucked up the world really is. At that moment, I'm content."

She held her breath the whole time he spoke, wrapped up in his feelings, and exhaled with understanding. "I like that."

"Tell me what I need to do, because I can't go another fucking day without you. Every time I'm around the club, I can't focus. I've had to turn down jobs because my head isn't right. Nobody can see what I'm going through, because to them, this is the way I've always been."

"I can see." She lifted his hand, turned around, and lay on her side facing him. "I'm right here. You don't have to lose your mind. You're not crazy."

He kissed her hard, holding her fiercely. "There's more you need to know."

"Tell me."

He slid his hand down and cupped the back of her head. "Six months after Los Li gave me what I thought was proof of Sarah's death, I walked out of the house I was renting and found her laying in the driveway beside my motorcycle. Besides the condition she's permanently in, she was bruised and beaten. I believe to this day that Los Li thought they'd killed her. She was barely breathing and unresponsive."

She shook her head, tears spilling over. "She's been through so much."

"I couldn't take her to the hospital without them asking me questions. I was already a felon, and the cops would've found me guilty for putting her in that condition without finding out the truth. So, I called Cam. He got a doctor to come out to the house. He treated her physically and—"

She placed her finger over his lips. "No, don't tell me."

"I won't." He closed his eyes briefly and then opened them again. "Once she healed enough for me to move her somewhere she could get help and be safe, I borrowed Cam's truck and checked her into the Institute. They know her history. You have a copy of the records. I told them everything I knew about what had happened and they promised to keep it confidential."

"I've read the papers over and over," she said.

"Remember when I told you there was a third reason I started acting crazy?"

"Yes."

"I did it for Sarah. I knew the next time I'm found guilty and standing before a jury, they'd find me insane. I'd be ordered to go under a doctor's care in a secure facility. The institution houses criminally insane prisoners on the top floor and is the only institution authorized in the state of Idaho to take inmates. Because I couldn't tell you Sarah was alive and put you in danger of Los Li, I had to hide Sarah away to make sure they never found out she survived and tried to finish the job. I needed to find a way to protect you both in case the worst happened, and I got arrested on charges that would see me put away for life. The fact that I was arrested and serving time for suspected murder and going to trial for one of the murders of Sarah's killers, I was doing all I could to set up my past as someone who was mentally unstable. Luckily, Cam got me out of prison, and I received a second chance. But, I still had men to kill. I had to continue the charade in case I got caught before I could finish the job."

"Oh, my God." She pushed against his hold on her and sat up. "You gave everything for Sarah, even when nobody knew what had happened."

"I owed her, because not once while she was held captive by Los Li..." He paused and sat up. "She never gave them any information on me or Moroad Motorcycle Club. Your sister protected those who were important to her and paid the price. I'll never know if she had handed over the information Los Li wanted on the club and me, or if her life would've turned out differently if she would've handed over what she'd known."

In the dark, she could barely make out his face. She reached for his hand and held on. "You love her."

She detected his head moving in the dark. "I love her, but she's no longer my Sarah. My feelings toward her have changed and grown deeper. What I thought was love back when we were together doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about her today. I know that doesn't make sense, but when I became responsible for her care, my feelings for her became something more."

"She became your family," she said, understanding the changes he'd gone through.

"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "Even though I never received any kind of response from Sarah, I became more determined to stay out of your life, to protect you. I had hoped you'd be safe in Montana and away from me. I spent my time locked up, focused on going after those who ruined her life, your life, my life, that's all I could see ahead of me. Then you showed up. I tried to rationalize every feeling I had and..."

"What?" she asked.

"With you, everything feels different. I'm fucking crazy." He stood from the bed and turned on the light.

She blinked, adjusting her vision. "I get what you're saying."

"How can you?" He lit a cigarette and tapped the side of his head. "In here, I'm crazy to believe you can feel the same way I do. I'm only going to fuck you over. What happens if my life destroys you like it did Sarah? I'm a Moroad. I have multiple felonies on my back. Tomorrow, I could go out on a job for the club, and end up killing someone. I make a new enemy. Old enemies come looking for me. What are you going to do if I die?"

"I would—"

"I'd fuck up your life." He stopped and swayed. "I shouldn't have come back."

She jumped from the bed, stepped to him, and put her hands on his chest, stopping his movements. "Can I say something?"

He nodded, clearly agitated. The smoke in his hand forgotten. She plucked the cigarette from him, stubbed it out in the ashtray on the nightstand, and returned to him.

She rubbed her hands over his chest, his heart racing under her palms. "I have three reasons for being with you. One, I love you more for loving Sarah. I understand how you feel. She's my sister and no matter what condition she is in, I will always be there for her. Always. It hurts to know you took responsibility for her, and I had to believe she was dead for five years, but spending the last three weeks with her on a daily basis, I understand why you did it. I've asked, begged, prayed for a sign she's somewhere in her body waiting for me to help her get out. I don't want to admit it but I know in my heart, she's no longer with us. That doesn't stop me from loving her. If anything, we both need to love her more, and I want you to be a part of that love we're going to give her."

Jacko swiftly inhaled. She moistened her lips. He'd let her in, now she needed to tell him everything.

"Two, I won't pretend to understand your lifestyle. I'll also never stop trying to convince you to stop breaking the—"

"You can't change my life, Momma. I got here by myself, and the club supported me and became my family when my parents disowned me," he said.

"I know." She kissed him softly. "I can see how your club supports you. There's even a small part of me that is thankful for you getting rid of the danger Sarah and I were in. I'm selfish. I want you in my life as long as I can hold you. If that's accepting your lifestyle, then I accept you."

He nodded.

"And, the third reason is..." She wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. "You make me crazy. I threatened to shoot your whole club tonight, had Cam lecture me, and made a promise with the devil, so I could find you tonight and tell you I love you. Except, I couldn't find you and because the club had no idea where you went, I experienced life with you truly gone, and I didn't like it very much. With you, a piece of myself I thought I'd lost years ago is back with me. My heart beats with yours, and as long as we're together, we'll face what comes our way."

Jacko's hand stilled on her back. "Cam threatened you?"

She peered up into his eyes. "No, he showed me how much you mean to him and in return, how much I loved you. I can't let you walk away from me."

"I came back," he said. "I'm not walking."

She swiped the escaped tear on her cheek. He held her face and turned her eyes back to him.

"You're in?" he whispered.

She smiled through her tears. "I'm in," she whispered back.