Faithful (20 page)

“I have no idea. Really, no idea. Maybe they just got the wrong flat?”

“Do you think it was connected to Daniel?”

God, it hadn’t even occurred to me.

“No, no not at all. Why do you?”

“Well no, not really, but won’t he be back in London in a couple of days? It seems like a weird coincidence.”

“What and he thought it would be a nice way to remind me by breaking into your flat and writing on your bathroom mirror?”

“Well, no I guess not.” Anna was silent for a couple of beats and then said, “I don’t think it was him, but maybe someone is trying to get to him and is threatening you.”

“Look, I told the police about Daniel when they asked about ex-boyfriends
, so if that is the reason, I guess they’ll find out.”

-

There was no way I was going to have Anna or me back in the flat before the “two day” deadline had expired but we couldn’t stay in this hotel. We got a great deal last night because we checked in a 4 a.m. but this room would be around £400 a night so we had to move hotels today. We could stay with friends but I’d prefer to have my own space rather than sleep on someone’s sofa. It’s not like many of my friends have spare bedrooms.

I hadn’t slept a wink last night but Anna had drifted off eventually. I decided to go and settle our account while Anna was still asleep, it would take my mind off things. The only thing I had to wear was my clothes from last night so without any of the fun, I endured the walk of shame down to the hotel’s reception. Luckily this early on a Sunday morning the only people around were hotel staff.

“Hi, can I settle up for last night? We’re going to check out this morning.”

The receptionist was the one that checked us in last night, and I’d explained to her that we’d been burgled but she still looked at me strangely before she started tapping her keyboard.

“I can check you out but you’re paid up for a week, and we were going to upgrade you today. Are you sure you want to check out?”

My brain wasn’t fully functioning. “No, we arrived last night, or early this morning really, I gave you my credit card details but I didn’t pay anything last night.” My credit card wouldn’t have space on it for a week in this hotel.

“Yes, I remember, but your account was paid for a week just an hour or so ago.”

“How?” My heart started to thud again. Had whoever had broken in last night followed us to the hotel and wanted us to stay here like sitting ducks?

“By telephone. Someone called Armitage.”

Of course. A mixture of warmth,
relief, and love washed through me all at once. I felt safer than I had done since before we had arrived back at the flat last night or even perhaps since I left Daniel. I had never experienced a man who looked after me before. Daniel was the first man that just made it all better.

Even when we weren’t together.

Even when I asked him to stay away from me.

Even when he was back with his ex-wife.

“Oh right, OK. Thanks.”

“You just tell us when you are ready and we will move you to your new room.”

I smiled and nodded. I was afraid that if I spoke my voice would crack. I didn’t want to lose it in front of the receptionist.

After I dried my tears I opened the door to our room. Anna wasn’t in bed.

“Anna?” I called out.

“I’m in the bathroom. Where have you been?”

“Just sorting out the bill. We are booked in for the week but we have to change rooms.”

“What? I can’t afford that and neither can you. We’ll have to go back to the flat.”

“Daniel has paid the bill. We don’t have to pay.”

“What? What the hell is going on?” Anna stormed out of the bathroom and stood looking at me accusingly.

“All I know is that I went down to reception to pay the bill for last night and they told me that we were paid up for a week. When I pressed them they told me Daniel had paid, but we have to move rooms. That’s all I know. There’s no point getting snippy with me.”

Anna slumped on the bed next to me. “I’m sorry. I’m just completely freaked out. How did Daniel know we were here?”

“I have no idea. But Daniel has a way of getting any information he wants.”

“Do you think he’s the reason we got broken in to?” Anna was calmer. I could understand her being freaked out.

“I really don’t know, but my gut instinct says no. But maybe that’s just because I’m in love with him.”

“Still?”

“Always.”

“You need to call him.”

“And say what? ‘Sorry for being a selfish idiot and needing time away from you’?”

“Or you could just say
‘thank you for picking up the tab for the room’!”

We both started laughing. It was the first time either of us had cracked a smile since the club.

“You’re right, I should call him. It’s polite.” I took a deep breath. I needed to do this. He was days away from being back in London and sooner or later I was going to get the closure I’d been dreading. “I can’t do it until this afternoon though, he won’t be awake.”

Anna jumped up and looked at me.
“Let’s go and get some stuff from the flat and then come back here and have some lunch.”

“
OK, sounds like a plan. But let’s check into the new room first.”

We didn’t have much with us
to pack up so we quickly made our way to the lobby and reception. The receptionist came up with us to the new room which I thought was a bit odd. I guess it was a Sunday morning and she wasn’t busy. We were on the executive floor so we needed to use our key in the elevator. The executive floor was decorated in a slightly different way to the rest of the hotel. It was more modern and less traditionally English. It reminded me of Daniel’s house. I didn’t have to look for reminders, he was just everywhere I went, everywhere I looked, he was in my heart.

Anna went first into our room. “Oh my fucking god.” I hesitantly smiled at the receptionist, embarrassed not only that we were dressed in last night’s clothes but now because Anna was swearing like a
navvy. I hope she didn’t think we were prostitutes.

“Thanks for showing us up. We’re just going to pop back to our flat and pick up some things if the police let us.” I was desperate to remind her why we were here dressed like we were.

“If you have a few moments, I’d like to show you a few things in the suite.” She gestured for me to follow Anna into the room. The suite? I guess that answered the question as to what Anna was shouting about. Of course Daniel would get us a suite.

And of course it was beautiful. Anna and I had a bedroom each and it made Anna’s flat look like a shoebox.
It had amazing views of the City. Once we were finished with our tour of the suite and directions on how to use the steam room, the sauna, and the hot tub on the balcony, I showed out the receptionist. Anna managed to get a grip of her excitement, but I knew it couldn’t last and I wanted us to be on our own before she exclaimed that the bathroom was bigger than the Blue Banana. I could just tell it was coming.

“Oh my god. Can you fucking believe it?” Anna whispered to me
when I found her on the balcony

“Come on, let’s go.”

The suite was beautiful, but if felt bittersweet. Part of me wondered if Daniel was trying to make up in advance for the fact he was going to have to tell me he was back with his ex-wife.

We were just headed across the lobby when the doorman approached us.

“Good morning, Miss Thompson. I can have your car brought around for you if you are going out.” He must have mistaken me for someone else. Someone rich so that was some consolation.

“That’s
OK, we’re going to walk.”

“I’m sorry
. I have strict instructions to ensure you don’t leave the hotel unless you are with Mr. Armitage’s driver.”

I’m not sure I’d ever been dumbstruck before
, but I couldn’t form any words. I knew I should respond but I didn’t know what to say.

Anna got there before I did. “Yes, please
, could you get the car?” She turned to me. “He’s obviously worried, so let’s just take the car. It’s not worth a discussion, especially when we’re wearing these shoes.”

It wasn’t Daniel’s usual driver and the driver wasn’t on his own. There was a burly guy in the passenger seat who leapt out as soon as the car pulled in front of the revolving doors of the hotel.

“Miss Thompson, Miss Kirby. Good morning. I’ll be providing you with security.” Well, I was officially mute so I just nodded and got in the car. Without telling them the address, we pulled up at Anna’s flat a few minutes later and were instructed to stay in the car until Burly Guy checked it over. We did as we were told and we were quickly in and out. Not long after we were back at the hotel and unpacked, showered, and sitting down to lunch.

“When are you going to call him?” Anna asked.

It was all I could think about and it was clearly etched across my forehead.

“Not yet. It’s still early in New York and
it’s Sunday.”

“Daniel doesn’t strike me as someone who sleeps in.”

“I’ll call him later.”

I would call him but I just didn’t know what I was going to say. I wanted to make it easy for him. He didn’t need to feel bad about reconciling with Georgina
, but I knew he would. I told him I knew I was risking losing him, so it was my doing. He had nothing to be sorry about.

I couldn’t put it off any longer. While Anna was in the main bathroom making the most of the steam room and sauna I took my phone into the bedroom Anna had allocated to me. I closed the door and slid down the inside until I reached the floor. It would be 10 a.m. in New York and Daniel would have been up for hours. I didn’t know what I was going to say to him, I just knew I had to call him, to kick start the beginning of the end.

It answered on the first ring.

“Leah, how are you?
Where
are you?”

I missed his deep soothing voice
. I had forgotten what it did to me. I could see him clearly in my head now. He was starting to go fuzzy in my memory but hearing him brought him in to focus. The beautiful body of his, those piercing eyes that saw right into me. His inky black hair, almost too long. And that smell, that intoxicating scent of his. I needed to snap out of this. He was seducing me in my head.

“I’m fine, I’m in the hotel. Thank you for all this. You didn’t have to go to all this expense
.”

“Leah, it’s nothing. I just want you safe.”

“I am, thank you. I take it the police called you? I’m sorry you’ve got dragged into it all.” I was trying to be matter of fact and business like.

“There is nothing to apologize for at all.”

There was an awkward silence on the line. He clearly didn’t want to tell me that he was back with Georgina over the phone and I just didn’t know what to say. Before I could think of anything he interrupted me: “It’s so good to hear your voice.” My throat tightened. I couldn’t cry.

“Yours
, too.” I managed to squeak out.

“I’ve missed you.”

“Me, too.”

He would never understand how much. I would miss him forever, there would be no one else for me after Daniel, I was sure of that. I played with the bracelet he had given
me, which I never took off. It was my constant reminder of him.

“The results come out tomorrow and I think the market will respond well. I should be back on Tuesday evening.”

So it had started. The two months were up and I had lost my bet. Now it was time to pay the casino.

“That’s great, congratulations
. You must be relieved.” I sounded so cold.

“Did you do what you needed to do?” Why couldn’t he be an a
sshole about it all so I could hate him?

“I did. I feel stronger. I feel better.”

“That’s good, I’m pleased for you. Do you feel ready to ... see me?  ... on Tuesday? ... or maybe later in the week?”

Daniel sounded tentative
, but it was clear that he wanted this over as quickly as possible. He was right to. We needed to rip the bandage off. It had been too long as it was.

“Tuesday sounds good.”

“I’ll pick you up from the office. If you need anything, please call me.”

I just sat there for what seemed like hours after I hung up. The thought of it all being officially over on Tuesday was just too much. Just the thought of never speaking to him again was all it took to start my sobbing. I missed him. I missed the life I could have with him. Still crying I made my way into my bathroom, and turned on the shower. I needed to shock myself out of my mood. I made a choice and I was living with the consequences.

I wandered back into the living room to find Anna. I steeled myself. I felt stronger.

“I called Daniel to thank him. He’s coming back on Tuesday and we’re going to meet after work. I guess he’ll officially tell me then.”

Anna was on the sofa and reached out her hand to pull me down next to her.

“What did he say?”

“Nothing, we didn’t talk long. He said he missed me and he asked me how I was, but that’s it.”

“Did you tell him that you missed him? He’s worth fighting for
, Leah. He should know how you feel.”

“I did tell him I missed him
, but I don’t want to fight for him. I want him to be mine because he can’t possibly be anything else. I want him to need me like I need him. I can’t force or fight for that. I love him and if he’s happy with his ex-wife then I’m happy for him. I’m sad for me, but happy that he’s happy. That’s what I want for him.”

I was lucky to have had him in my life, even if it were
for just the shortest time. Imagine if I had gone through my life thinking what I had with Charlie was as good as it got. With Daniel, I learned what love was. Real, earth-shattering, heart-stopping, world-changing love. How many people could really say that? I was lucky, and I would treasure forever the moments I shared with him. But now nothing else would do, and however many times Anna forced me out to meet new guys, however many times she told me that the easiest way to get over a man is to get under another, it didn’t matter. No one else was Daniel. I felt sure I could get to a place where I was content with my life. But it would be different from how I had envisaged as a girl. There would be no wedding, no family. I would be on my own, without Daniel.

“Well
, all that therapy seems to have worked, but I hope it doesn’t mean we can’t indulge in a little wine o’clock just because you’re no longer self-medicating. Especially since we have a fully stocked wine fridge!”

“Only if you promise to help me look fucking
amazing
on Tuesday. He might be dumping me, but it doesn’t mean he can’t fancy me while he’s doing it.”

“As Oscar Wilde said
, ’Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.’ Tomorrow night, you and me in Selfridges. We are going to knock him dead.

“Oscar Wilde
, hey? You’re stepping it up!”

***

I stood in front of the mirror in the Roland Mouret dress, thinking up ways to justify the ridiculously expensive purchase. The dress did everything a dress should do for a woman. I loved it.

“I don’t know if you are talking yourself into it or out of it
, but it doesn’t matter. You just
have
to buy this dress.” Anna was slumped in a chair in the corner of the changing room.

“It’s a lot of money.”

“So, sell a kidney. We’re not leaving here without that dress.” Anna was quickly losing patience. We’d been having this back and forth for twenty minutes.

“You’re right.” I headed back to
the dressing room to peel myself out of the thing and whip out my credit card before I changed my mind.

I felt physically sick as I typed in my
PIN. I’d never spent even half of what this dress cost on a piece of clothing, but if this was the last time I was going to see Daniel, I wanted to feel fabulous. And if he got a reminder of what he would be missing, well that was all right, too.

***

I didn’t wear the dress to work. Knowing me, I would have spilled something on myself by 10 a.m., so I brought it with me. I left my desk dead on 5:30 to change. I wanted to be ready—mentally and physically. I thought that outside of the flattering light of the changing rooms and into the bright fluorescents of the ladies restroom the dress would lose its wow factor, but it absolutely did not. Although I couldn’t say it aloud, Anna was right; the dress was made for boobs and a bottom like mine. The cleavage was just hinting at outrageous but the mid shin length with killer heels seemed to balance it all out to sexy. I was thrilled. I had treated myself to a blow dry at lunchtime so I just needed to touch up my makeup and I was done. I was back at my desk just before six. I checked my phone to make sure I’d not missed a call and there was a text from Daniel.

No rush but I’m ready whenever you are. I’m downstairs. D

He’d been waiting half an hour already. My heart started thudding like it was about to come through my chest. This was it. I was far more nervous than that evening all those months ago when we he had first picked me up from the office. I suppose I didn’t know then what I’d be missing. I logged off and headed to the elevators forcing myself to take deep breaths.

I saw him
as I came out of the elevator. He leaned against the car with his head was buried in a newspaper.

I stood there for a few minutes just drinking in the sight of him. His beautiful navy suit, my favorite. It skimmed every beautiful inch of him. His hair was just how I saw it in my head whenever I thought of him: almost too long
, but the perfect length to slide my fingers through. My skin tightened all over.

As if he heard me inhale, Daniel looked up sharply from his paper and his eyes met mine. There was no going back. I started to walk toward him
, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away from his. I had forgotten the power he had over me.

He met me at the door

“Hey stranger.” His velvety voice washed through me.

“Hey stranger
, yourself.” Despite my nervousness and anguish, I couldn’t help but grin at him. It was as if he pushed a happy button inside me. I couldn’t feel anything bad when I was around him.

He didn’t kiss me, he didn’t touch me. He wanted it to be clear how we stood from the start—he was trying to be fair with me and I appreciated him for that. It made me love him more.

He opened the car door for me; as I climbed in, his hand brushed my lower back. It was if I were on fire. Couldn’t he feel that? I shivered as goosebumps covered my whole body and I felt myself moisten for him. He had barely touched me and  I was ready for him, desperate for him. I scurried over as far into the corner of the car as I could. I would dissolve if he touched me again, and despite myself I would be begging for him to come back to me.

As the car started
, I kept my eyes fixed forward.

“So, I saw that your results were really well received. You must be so pleased.”

“Yes, relieved. The ex-MD has been charged. We’re cooperating with the police and I’ve installed a new MD. Things can get back to how they should be now, I hope.”

But he should be with
me
, that’s how things should be.

We pulled up and I realized we were outside Daniel’s favorite Italian
restaurant. Oh god, why here? I suppose he wanted to break the news to me in public so I couldn’t yell and scream at him. I loved this place. I wouldn’t ever be able to come here again, not after tonight. I’m sure we would say we’d stay in touch, but I couldn’t do that. I truly wished him happiness, but I couldn’t be friends with him and watch him be happy without me.

Daniel was made a real fuss of
, as usual, as we were escorted to the same table we had on our first real date. I had managed to avoid looking directly at him since I got into the car, but there was no avoiding it forever. I lifted my eyes and found him looking right into me.

“There you are.” He smiled cautiously and I couldn’t do anything but smile right back at him.

As soon as our wine was poured, I glugged down half a glass. I wanted that numbness back. I didn’t want all these feelings. I felt the warmth of the alcohol as it trickled down to my fingers and toes.

“Leah, you don’t need
liquid courage. It’s OK.”

But it wasn’t
OK. I couldn’t bear it any longer—I wanted it done.

“Daniel, I just want you to be happy and I’m pleased you are. You’re right, it’s
OK. I’m not going to make a big scene. You two have known each other since you were kids. I get it. It’s fine.”

W
e were interrupted as our starters arrived. The sight of the food made my stomach churn. I was sure it would be delicious, but the thought of eating anything was abhorrent.

I
fixed my eyes on the tablecloth again.

“Leah, look at me.” His tone was gentle, coaxing. I could do nothing but what Daniel asked of me
; I met his eyes as requested. “I’m not following you. Who have I know since I was a kid?”

“Georgina.”

“Oh right. Yes, you knew that though.” He was right, I had known all along and I couldn’t compete with that history. I nodded. I could feel the tears start to well in my eyes so I took another generous gulp of wine.

“So
, tell me how you’ve been. What have you been doing? How are you feeling about ... well, everything?”

“Good, everything has been good. I feel like I’ve worked through a lot of things and I feel much better about everything
. Well, most things.”

“Good, I’m pleased. And have you been seeing anyone?”

What did he mean? A therapist?

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my business.” Daniel was the one to stare at the tablecloth this time. He meant romantically.

“You mean, like a man? Of course not.” I didn’t want to have to fight for him but surely he knew how I felt. “There’s no one. There’ll never be anyone, now. It will always be you for me.” My voice cracked but I forced myself to carry on. I couldn’t leave without him knowing. “Just because I’m not with you doesn’t mean you won’t always be with me, in my heart.” As I spoke I felt calmer. “I’ve learned a lot about myself these past two months. I’m going to be fine. I don’t want you to feel bad. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I’m happy loving you, whether or not you love me back. I just want you to be happy, and if I can’t give you that happiness then all I can wish for you is that you’ve found it with Georgina.”