Eye of the Wizard: A Fantasy Adventure (15 page)

Cobweb smiled, relief sweeping over her. She couldn't remember ever feeling so good. "Wiww you t-teach me how to p-p-pway?"

Romy nodded. "See, there are a few different pieces, black and white ones. The most important is a king. You have to capture him. The other pieces are...."

Cobweb smiled, trying to keep it all in her head. It was confusing, but good to think about. By the time they reached their camp, she thought she knew the game.

She was happy.

Chapter Nine

Skunk Soup and Lollipops

Dry Bones took a stroll through Hell.

He walked down dark tunnels, their walls glittering with diamonds. He hovered over pools of lava where toddler demons swam. He flew across caverns where dragons swooped, shrieking as demon youths tried to tame them with whips, shouts, and delicious dragon biscuits. Finally he reached the Ninth Circle, that pit of pain where demons like Romy tortured dead human sinners.

Countless sinners filled the chambers, tied to racks. Demon girls were busy whipping them, poking them with pitchforks, and stretching them on racks. Some of the demons recognized Dry Bones and waved, while others just rolled their eyes. Male demons were the warriors, those heroes of Hell who guarded its borders and dreamed of the day they'd conquer Heaven. Here in the pits were their sisters and daughters, fiery and cruel. From here had Romy been plucked.

Robes swishing, Dry Bones walked toward Issa's office and stepped in, not bothering to knock.

Issa sat inside on her leather chair, her feet on her desk. Cotton balls peeked between her toes, and she was painting her toenails gold.

"Bonesy!" she said when she saw him. "What are you doing here, you old bag of bones? Miss me too much?"

"Always," he said. She leaped toward him and kissed his cheekbone. He handed her a bouquet—thirteen dead roses, her favorite.

"Aww, you shouldn't have," she said. From outside the office came the screams of sinners, and through the window Dry Bones could see demons dunking the poor souls into lava.

"Issa," he said, "I need something of you."

She wiggled her eyebrows. "Some
lovin
?"

"Probably, yes, a bit later. But for now, my dear, I want you to kill some people."

She snorted, blowing back a curl of her flaming hair. "I'm your girlfriend, not your assassin."

Dry Bones sighed inwardly. If he had eyes left, he'd roll them. Issa still believed she was his girlfriend, even though he saw her rarely, only when he got lonely and craved a woman's touch, or when he needed somebody tortured. Months could go by between their encounters, yet she insisted they were a couple, that he loved her like she loved him.
Let her keep fooling herself,
he thought.
It keeps her around for when I need her.

"You'll want to kill these people, trust me," he said. "Are you missing a demon? One Romy?"

Issa snarled, eyes flaring. She bared her fangs with a hiss, and her hair crackled, scattering sparks. "You have seen the girl?" she said, flexing her claws.

Dry Bones nodded, twisting his jaw into a smile. Issa's drool dripped down her fangs to hiss against the floor. Her bat wings spread wide, and her eyes crackled with flame. When enraged, she was among the deadliest creatures Dry Bones knew.

"One of my apprentices kidnapped her. His name is Neev Thistle. He and his siblings are traipsing around the world with her, causing me no end of trouble. Go on the hunt, Issa. Kill Neev and his siblings. Then take Romy and deal with her as you like."

Issa grinned, her fangs dripping drool. Her eyes widened with bloodlust, and her hair blazed like a bonfire. "You have a deal, Sexy Bones," she said. "Romy has been driving me crazy for a long time, and finally I got her. Show me the way. I'll kill these humans of yours, then drag back Romy in chains." She snarled, steam leaving her nostrils. "I'll torture her myself. I haven't tortured anyone in a while, and poor Romy will help me get back in shape."

She grabbed her whip from the wall and cracked it.

Dry Bones reached out his hand, and she took it. Her hand felt hot, and she gripped him so hard, he thought she'd break his bones. She kissed his cheekbone again, and Dry Bones touched her flaming hair.

As they left the office, Dry Bones allowed himself a smile. The Thistle Kids could perhaps defeat moldmen... but Issa would hunt them down like Baumgartner gobbling mice.

* * * * *

As they journeyed to Queenpool, Romy moaned. Her feet hurt. She'd never had a blister before, but now she had two, one on each foot. She didn't even know which foot to limp on.

"Mommy, I want to rest," she said and poked Neev's backside with her pitchfork, not enough to hurt him, but enough to incur a growl.

"You'll rest when you're dead," the young warlock said. "And if you poke me again, that won't be too far off."

Romy gave the longest, loudest whine of her life. "Well, I'm not walking anymore," she said and flapped her bat wings, fluttering into the air. Usually flying tired her even more than walking, and she avoided it whenever possible, but at least it would give her blisters a rest.

Thirty feet in the air, she flew above the other Bullies, her wings churning the crisp morning air. From up here, she could see the land clearly. The road snaked for miles between the grassy hills. Blooming dogwood trees, mossy chalk boulders, and the occasional rivulet covered the land.
Earth is beautiful,
Romy thought. The green of grass and leaves, the white of stone and flowers, the blue of the water glistening in the sunlight—it all looked like a work of art.
Poor humans have to walk below and can't enjoy the view. I should pick them up, so that they can see this.

She examined the Bullies who walked beneath her. The smallest was Jamie.
She'd be easy to carry.
Romy swooped down and grabbed the girl's shoulders.

"Hey, let go!" Jamie demanded, punching.

"I only want to show you the view," Romy said, struggling to lift the girl.

"Leave me alone!" Jamie squealed and freed herself.

Neev turned around to face them, scowling. His eyes blazed as if he too were a demon. "Kids, stop fighting."

Romy pouted. "I'm not a kid, I'm 207."

Neev glowered and raised his hands, black magic sparkling on his fingertips. "If you pick on Jamie again, you won't reach 208."

"Oh, Neev, you're so grouchy," Romy said and flew away, pouting.

They kept traveling down the road, Romy flying above the others. She was bored. At one point, she spotted a crabapple tree. She collected the fruit and spent a while dropping the apples onto the Bullies' heads. She especially tried to hit Jamie, whooping whenever the apples bounced off her. Jamie responded by tossing pebbles at Romy, but Romy evaded them easily, and many fell onto Scruff's head.

Soon Romy began to regret tossing the apples at Jamie. Her stomach was rumbling.
I'm hungry.
All the Bullies had to eat was skunk soup (courtesy of Scruff's less than impressive hunting skills), which tasted just as bad as it smelled.
I didn't leave Hell for this.
In Hell, she dined every day on fried mushrooms, spicy tunnelhog chops, and juicy dragon steaks, but on Earth it seemed even turnips were a delicacy, judging by how fast Scruff could gobble them.
Man, I wish I had a poodle.

Romy's stomach was grumbling like thunder when finally she spotted chimney smoke ahead. A village! When she strained her eyes, Romy counted ten houses with thatch roofs, their walls made of waddle-and-daub.

"Ooh, look, it's Queenpool!" she said, excitement making her fingers tremble. She fluttered down to stand before the other Bullies. Finally the long journey was over. "I saw a village ahead. We're here!"

Neev shook his head. Dust coated the hems of his black coat, turning them gray. His shoes were frayed, and his hair limp.
He's not enjoying this trek any more than me,
Romy realized, and suddenly she wanted to hug him, and would have too, were he not so dusty.

"No, Romy, Queenpool is still a couple days away," he said, wiping burrs off his pants. "You probably just saw a backwater village."

"Can we visit, Mommy? Please!" She tugged at his sleeve, making puppydog eyes.
They might have poodles.

Scruff approached them, hair shaggy, boots muddy, clothes covered with burrs and dust. "Hey, I'm the oldest brother. I decide what we do."

Neev shook his head. "I'm the smartest brother. I'm the leader."

Jamie grumbled and drew Moonclaw, her sword. The filigreed blade glittered in the sunlight. "I carry Father's blade, which means I make the decisions."

Romy patted her growling stomach. "I'm the oldest and wisest and hungriest, so I'm the leader. And I hate stinky skunk soup. Let's go to that village and steal some
real
food—fried shrimps, lamb chops with mint, or delicious pnoodle soup."

Cobweb meekly raised her hand, peeking from beneath her eyelashes. She was the only one not disheveled from the journey; her lavender skin was still clean, her hair still glowing, and no dust or thistles marred her gossamer dress. "You mean,
wowk
for some f-food, wight Womy?"

Romy bit her lip.
I can't understand what the Hell she's saying.

Cobweb's cheeks flushed. "You know... cuz we're da Buwwies fow B-bucks, we d-don't steaw."

"Oh yeah... I forgot about that," Romy said. She sighed. "I suppose I wouldn't mind scaring to death a few more defenseless animals, if paid the right sum. Let's go. I'll lead the way."

Before long, the Bullies reached the village, which lay off the road between rustling willows. A wooden sign named the place "King's Crossing", population 54.
I can torture more people in a day's work,
Romy thought, biting her lip.

Like at Perrywine, Romy borrowed Neev's cloak and hid inside it; most humans would faint at the sight of a demon. She entered the village with the others, and soon stood in its dirt square, gazing around and chewing her lip. She had never imagined humans could live in such small villages; there were only ten houses, squat structures of mud and thatch, and a single stone inn. Gardens surrounded the houses, growing vegetables, oats, wheat, and barely. A dozen chickens pecked for seeds in a weedy yard.

This isn't a village with an inn,
Romy realized.
It's just a roadside inn with a village.
This did not bode well for finding poodles.

The villagers emerged from their homes, dressed in tan tunics and leggings, timid at the sight of five armed Bullies. With a sigh, Jamie repeated her song and dance from Perrywine, bragging about the Bullies' prowess at banishing dragons, werewolves, mothers-in-law, and other such beasts.

When Jamie was done, the villagers stared silently.

Romy shifted uncomfortably.

Finally a peasant girl, no older then six, stepped forward. She wore a yellow dress, sported blue ribbons in her curls, and was sucking a lollipop. "I'll pay you," she said, holding out a piggy bank. "I have five copper pennies. You must only kill an itsy bitsy spider in my room."

That sounds easy enough,
Romy thought. Based on what she knew of human currency—admittedly not much—five coppers could buy each Bully hot stew and a cold pint. Romy licked her lips. "We'll do it!" she said.

Cobweb gasped and covered her mouth, eyes wide. "No!" she said, knees trembling.

"Why not?" Romy asked, raising an eyebrow. "You scared of spiders?"

The spiderling shook her head wildly, gossamer hair swaying. Her dress of spiderwebs, the spider runes on her dagger, and her spiderweb tattoo all glowed. "S-s-spidews awe howy animaws. D-dey are magicaw, and sacwed, and-and-and kiwwing one is howwibwe w-w-wuck."

"Horrible
what
?" Romy asked. The spiderling seemed so distraught, her tongue sounded even more twisted than usual.

Cobweb sniffed and blinked rapidly, as if struggling not to cry. "Just howwibwe, okay? We can't kiww a spidew! We can't!"

Scruff walked up to her, eyes soft and cheeks pink, and patted her shoulder. "Okay, Cobweb, we won't kill the itsy bitsy spider. We'll just catch it, then release it into the forest. That way we're all happy."

Cobweb rubbed her eyes, fingers still shaky. "Okay. But pwomise nobody wiww huwt it." She caressed the spiderweb tattooed onto her shoulder. "Pwomise!"

The Bullies looked at one another, shrugging, and all promised not to harm the spider. The little girl seemed happy too. "So long as you get it out of my room."

Romy smiled. "You have a deal." Her stomach growled again.

* * * * *

An hour later, the Bullies returned from the forest, rubbing their bruises.

"Owwww...," Romy said, her arm in a sling, a doggy cone around her neck. "My whole body is a giant boo boo."

Jamie nodded, limping, her forehead bandaged. "That was one damn big spider."

Even brutish Scruff was covered with bruises and scratches, cobwebs clinging to his legs. "I never knew spiders grew as big as horses." He shrugged. "Live and learn."

Romy shuddered, her wounds aching. She never wanted to see a spider again, a seven-foot-tall one, or a tiny daddy-long-legs. It had taken an hour—an hour of pain and bruising—to truss up this spider, drag it squealing outside, and release it unharmed into the forest.
Stupid Cobweb!
Would have been easier to roast the damn bug with a fireball, but the spiderling would probably burst into tears; at one point, she had actually started praying to the beast.

Romy sighed.
At least we'll get paid now.
Though her body ached, the thought of those five coppers made her smile. She could already imagine the taste of hot beef stew and cold beer.
Yum.

The little girl came skipping toward them, grinning. "You did it, you kicked out the itsy bitsy spider!"

Romy muttered. "If that's an itsy bitsy spider, I'd hate to see the rain this place gets." Wincing in pain, she reached out her hand. "Now pay up, little human."