Experiment In Love (11 page)

She looked shocked.
“You? But you’re a man of the world. Surely the other day wasn’t your first time!”

“It was with you.” His lips nipped her neck as he breathed in the scent of her.

She smiled. “What a lovely thing to say.”

“The truth is always lovely.”

“Even when you don’t want to hear it?” she questioned, tensing, knowing that she was going to tell him her answer and he wasn’t going to like it.

He sighed, as if knowing the answer.
“Even when I don’t want to hear it. If you don’t tell me the truth, how will I ever know what you really want?” He regarded her soberly. “I need to know your thoughts, Victoria, or we’ll never go any further than we are today. And while today is wonderful, I want the guarantee of being with your tomorrow and tomorrow. I want to grow old with you and when we’re a hundred, I want to look across the room and see you there just as you are today. At least in my heart.”

He heard himself utter the words, but it was hard to believe he had said them. He had never been so open with a woman before. He had never wanted to.
Deep inside, his stomach clenched into a ball of nerves. He knew what she was going to say, and all he could do was delay the moment of truth.

Her hand stroked the sun streaks in his hair, her eyes clouding over as his tongue made erotic patterns on her neck. “Kurt…”

“Not yet, Victoria. Not yet,” he muttered, urgency pounding through his veins as he realized just how close he was to losing her. “Love me, Vicky. I need you.”

And she did, telling him with her hands, her tongue and her quiet cries, just how much she loved him. But love was not a cure-all, and in the aftermath of passion, reality was still waiting in the wings for its time on center stage.

She was entwined with his body, her head resting on his chest as she listened to the slowing pattern of his heartbeat. She ruffled the hair on his chest, “I can’t live with you, you know.”

“I know.” His voice was tired, as if he, too, had wrestled with the problem. “But you’re still moving into the townhouse. If I can, I’ll change your mind in time, Victoria. Someday soon you’ll see that being married to me isn’t the same as being
tied to a life of subjugation and fear, fear of being yourself and losing the one you love. I love you as you are, Vicky. Someday you’ll see that. You can be your own person just as well with me as without me. I’ll prove it to you, somehow.”

She wasn’t sure if he made the promise to her or to himself, but it was as solemn as a vow.

***

Breakfast was served on the patio, where they both reveled in the unexpected early morning sunshine, worshiping it with their bathing-suit-clad bodies.

By lunchtime the air was filled with the intangible electricity that traveled between them. By dinner they were hardly speaking, saying more with their eyes than could ever be spoken aloud. Messages flew through the air, breathing was short and shallow, as each tried not to touch the other for fear of never being able to let go.

Victoria savored him with her eyes, her emotions were so drawn that she thought she would scream with the exquisite agony of it. Still he made no advance, and she couldn’t. Her imagination continued down paths that kept her on her toes at the edge of emotions that felt like an unpredictable volcano. They stared at the stars over an after-dinner drink. The silence was deafening and yet Victoria felt as if she was barely holding in the thousands of words that wanted to spill out into an order that would scare him forever.

Kurt was the first to break the quiet. ‘I’ll take you to the townhouse tomorrow. Your things were moved today.”

Her brows rose.
“And the rent?”

“The same as we discussed.”

“And you?” Her voice was barely a whisper.

He didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “I’ll be within reach of the phone.”

“For how long, I wonder?” she mused aloud, sadness enveloping her. Was she crazy to turn away the one man she honestly knew she loved? Her heart said yes, but a hidden fear deep in her continued to yell “
No
!”

“As long as it takes.”
His voice was grim, his gaze pinning her to her seat. A shiver ran down her spine.

“And after tomorrow?
When will I see you again?” She was pressing and knew it.

“Any time you pick up the phone and ask me to come.”

“Why are you doing this? Why can’t we be like we were last night? Why must you put strings on me?”

“Because I can’t hold you, love you and then let you go. You have to learn to take me as I am. You must make the commitment, Victoria. I’ve already made my feelings known to you.”

“You may change your mind” She knew he was right in not pressing her to come to his bed, yet, perversely, that was exactly what she wanted him to do. She wanted the decision to be out of her hands and his responsibility.

“I won’t change my mind. As soon as you realize the importance of ‘us’ and the difference that it makes, I’ll be there for you.”

Once again she was confused. He spoke sense; he seemed so honest and loving. Yet all her upbringing told her that she would lose herself in him, his work, his thoughts, and his ideals. She couldn’t lose herself now. She just couldn’t! She couldn’t take the chance of following in her mother’s footsteps, to find out later that she had to part from him before she could be herself or, worse yet, to find out that she could never be the woman he wanted, the woman he needed, and end up living in a horrible limbo, spending her life both with and without him.

***

The moment Kurt unlocked the townhouse, Victoria was in love. It was sunny and warm and the rooms had a look of individuality, of homes. The kitchen was large enough to work in but not too large for coziness. The bedroom was a huge loft with a balcony overlooking half the living room. Her furniture was worn, but somehow it looked just as warm and comfortable here as it had in her uncle’s apartment.

“I love it!” She squeezed her arms around her middle and danced around the large room before throwing herself into his arms. Then she backed quickly away.

His smile was forced. “I’m glad.” He waved toward the phone. “On the underside of the phone is my private line at work and the house phone in Santa Barbara. The rest is up to you.” He walked to the coffee table and threw down the key. She could tell by his stride that he was angry and suddenly so was she.

“And do you have a matching set?” Her voice was a sneer.

“Of course. After all, you’re renting this property, remember? A good rental agent always keeps a spare set of keys.”

“Of course.”
Suddenly her anger was gone and dejection took its place.

Kurt walked toward the door, his hand on the knob before he spoke again. “There’s an art show I’m supposed to attend next week. Will you allow me to escort you?”

She hesitated a long moment, then nodded. “Yes.” She turned and walked toward the kitchen. Her back was to him, so he couldn’t see the bright light of anticipation in her eyes. “When and where?”

“Next Friday. Eight o’clock.”

“I’ll be ready.”

Then the door latch clicked and he was gone.

“I really love you, you know,” she told the empty room, wishing he was still there and holding her in his arms. She had been alone most of her adult life and she had always loved her solitude. Until now. Suddenly she hated it.

It took her exactly four days to get her new home in shape and return to her regular writing schedule. Another week and Victoria’s article on the Anderson Report would be completed, though without any dark and dangerous revelations. It was in rough draft and all she had to do was polish it up and put it through the computer spelling and grammar once more.

Gina came by one evening and helped celebrate her new surroundings, not mentioning Kurt. But her eyes were full of questions which Victoria couldn’t answer. It was a stilted evening, with both friends avoiding the one topic on both their minds.

When Friday night finally came, Victoria spent more time than she ever had before in getting ready for her date with Kurt. She hadn’t had the nerve to call him and he certainly hadn’t tried to call her. She knew because she had only left the house twice that week, and both times were late at night to grocery shop at one of the all-night stores down the street.

Victoria’s eyes consumed Kurt as he stood in the doorway of the townhouse. He was wearing a white tuxedo jacket with black dress pants that clung to his muscled hips and thighs.

“You’re not getting enough sleep.” His eyes narrowed on the purplish rings beneath her eyes.

“And you are?” she retorted, noticing the puffiness under his own.

“I drank too much last night.” was his excuse.

“And I worked late last night.” Anything but the truth. Why should she explain that her nights were filled with erotic thoughts of him? That a pillow doubled for his long lean body pressed next to hers? That Gina had confirmed the rumors of his starlet mistress, though her presence hadn’t been noticed lately. However, thoughts of them together tore her insides apart. All she had to do was tell him yes and she could have him ... on his terms. Her mouth tightened into a grim line to keep herself from admitting the truth. After five days she was ready to have him on
any
terms, and that knowledge frightened her half to death.

They stayed far apart as they walked down the front sidewalk and toward the car. She slipped into the Mercedes without his help. Not a meaningful word was said, but the same electricity was there, charging the very air they breathed. Small talk was the order of the day and, although stilted, it gave them a chance to hear each other’s voices. She had never been so starved for the sound and presence of him before and listened intently to catch everything he said.

The art show was avant-garde, with all the California society notables there, sipping champagne, making polite sounds of delight at seeing each other and ahhing over paintings they didn’t understand. And if the paintings hadn’t been labeled, neither would Victoria. One was red and black and white and labeled “Anger”, while another was three blobs of blue on a soft green background entitled ‘Tranquility.”

Kurt introduced her to a few of the other guests before being called away for a few minutes. Victoria slowly circled the room alone, stopping in front of each painting and pretending an intense interest, when in reality her senses were tuned to Kurt as he held a conversation first with a young couple, then with a beautiful blonde woman who oozed sex appeal from every perfumed pore. Her long red talons rested possessively on his jacketed arm for all of ten minutes before he finally shook her off, reluctantly, it seemed to Victoria, and returned to her side.

“What do you think?” Kurt murmured in her ear. She wasn’t quite sure if he was discussing the paintings or the people.

“It stinks.” She said it more for shock value than anything else. If he wanted platitudes he could return to the blonde.

His head tilted back and he laughed a hearty sound that drew attention. His eyes crinkled at the corners as he looked down at her. “I swear, if I was with anyone besides you I’d be shocked by such irreverent talk. But with you, it’s just right.”

She couldn’t help but grin back. Suddenly the stiltedness was gone, replaced by a warm intimacy. “I just thought I’d shake you up. You’re too stiff.”

“How right you are,” he murmured wickedly, a glint in his eye as he took her arm and began walking slowly about the edge of the room. A thrill ran down her arm at his touch and she shivered. He felt it and his eyes narrowed as he looked at her.

“Miss me? I missed you like hell.”

She didn’t bother hiding the truth. “So did I.”

“Another friend?
Darling, do you collect women or is it an occupational hazard of the publishing world?”

The tall blonde stood in front of them, almost blocking the way, belligerence written across her features.

“Sometimes I’m not sure. Julie, meet Victoria.” His voice was easy, but without intimacy. Victoria smiled, receiving a cold smile in return. Without a word they both knew they were hunters after the same quarry. But Victoria didn’t want what Kurt had to offer, did she?

“And do you write also, Victoria?”

“Of course.” She returned Julie’s smile with even less warmth.

“I see. Do you work for Kurt’s magazine?”

“Not yet.” She glanced up at the man in question to find him enjoying the altercation, in fact he was enjoying it so much that he was grinning from ear to ear! Damn him!

“How nice,” Julie said with obvious falsity. “Well,” she said, turning her attention to Kurt, “time for me to go. I’ll see you tomorrow, darling. Don’t forget breakfast at ten,” she murmured as she walked off.

“Your mistress, I presume?” Victoria’s eyes flashed, her voice higher than usual.

“Does that thought bother you?” Kurt was unruffled; in fact he was still smiling. “I am, as you may have noticed, looking for a replacement — or a wife. Do you know anyone who’s willing to fill that spot?”

“It sounds like just anybody would do. You don’t seem to be too choosy with your favors.” Her heart was thumping madly against her breast Knowing some other woman existed was one thing, meeting her face to face another! He had proposed to her while he was still seeing someone else! What nerve!