Experiment In Love (10 page)

Kurt listened to the muted sounds coming from her bathroom, his eyes closed. He had been awake longer than Victoria, but hadn’t wanted to break the closeness between them. He hadn’t wanted to admit to it either. It frightened him.

He had never felt so penned in, so emotionally close to a woman before, and this new feeling took getting used to. What was it about her that made her so special to him? She had a good figure, but not fantastic. Her pert nose, stubborn chin and wide eyes were attractive, but hardly classically beautiful. Her disorganized lifestyle and unorthodox background weren’t what he was used to or wanted for himself.

Then why was he lying here like a lovesick calf, eagerly waiting for her return? He had to stop panting like a damn puppy! He jumped up, vigorously grabbing at the clothing in his closet tearing his shirt and jeans off the now swinging hangers.

Suddenly he was angry. She had no right to tie him in knots like this! His life had been just the way he wanted it before she floated in and it could damn well be that way again! In fact he
wanted
it that way again, purposely ignoring the knowledge that it was his very desire for change that had led to meeting Vicky in the first place. He wasn’t going to lie around waiting for her to come to him on his terms when he had plenty of other women he could go to. She certainly wasn’t the only one. There were available women all over the place, crawling out of every country club and town-house in America. Why one woman with a passion for quarter-a-throw video games and hot dogs at midnight could crawl under his skin was beyond explanation!

Then he smiled with self-knowledge. Who was he kidding? He knew just how he felt about Vicky, even if he didn’t know why, and he knew exactly what to do about it.

CHAPTER SIX

“Victoria, I don’t understand!” Kurt ran an agitated hand through his hair as he stared in bewildered anger at the slim bit of highhanded woman in front of him. Her breasts rose and fell in extreme anger, her eyes alive with rage. “For the life of me I can’t see anything insulting about our getting married!”

“That’s what I mean! You can’t even begin to understand my viewpoint!” she stormed, her hands clenched at her sides, almost visibly restrained, as if she would love to shake him thoroughly. “You’re trying to take over my life! I walk in here and find you on the phone, okaying the removal of my possessions from my apartment, as if you owned me! I told you I would move, but I didn’t mean that you could take over my move! I didn’t say when. I just said I’d do it. I’m the one who decides. No one can do that, especially not you, and not when you are!”

“Is that what this is about? Me moving you out of an apartment you needed to move from and into an apartment that you already agreed you would occupy?” He looked almost relieved, as if he could understand a woman’s illogical mind much better than she could, and her anger built up even further.

She took a deep breath, reminding herself that he was trying to be tolerant while she was giving an explanation she knew he would never understand.

“You’re asking me to become a part of you and mingle our private lives,” she said in a barely controlled voice. “You want to protect me.” He nodded as if relieved that at least she understood that. But her next words dampened any hope he might have had. “You want to wrap me in cotton and put me in a box that only you can open when it pleases you. I cannot and will not do that!”

Pure frustration etched his face. “That’s not what I’m trying to do. I just proposed to you! I asked you to marry me! How in the hell could I know you’d take it as an insult?” he shouted in frustration.

“I didn’t! It was just that added to all the other things you do, it was too much! Can’t you see that?” She stamped her foot in frustration before turning toward the window and staring sightlessly out at the purple-tinged night. “We don’t know each other well enough for a long term marriage. And I will only be married once, Kurt, so I’m going to be long, deliberate and careful about my marriage partner. And you! I don’t think you’ve been faithful to one woman at a time in all your life!

He bristled. He waited, staring at her back. He told himself to calm down as she was calming down. When he thought her emotions had stopped the roller coaster ride, Kurt spoke softly. “I’m in a position to take care of your needs. Is that so bad?” His voice was a low caress as he stood directly behind her, not touching her physically, but stroking her with his tone. “I find it hard to believe, but I love you. I’m the same as all other men in love, Victoria.  Most men want to cherish the woman of their dreams.”

His hands slipped around her waist and eased up to cup her breasts, his thumbs erotically stimulating her nipples. Slowly, she relaxed and leaned back, succumbing to
his spoken thoughts. When he said the words they didn’t seem so much possessive as loving. She had to force herself to see the controlling side of him, to remember the pain, the betrayal that went with the loving.

“If you decide that you want to make a career out of writing, that’s fine. I don’t mind. You can do whatever makes you happy.” Her spine stiffened. She turned in his arms and stared up at his puzzled face, the frown marks making deep grooves in his forehead as his dark eyes searched hers for an answer.

“That’s just it, Kurt I don’t need your permission to do whatever I want, just as you don’t need to ask mine to continue with your business.”

His look was startled. “Why would I ask you if I could continue with my business? It’s my livelihood.”

“My point exactly.”

His frustration at not understand was evident. She took a deep breath and continued.

“And if you were just beginning? If your company wasn’t making money? What then?” she persisted, trying to keep her arms at her sides instead of twining them around his neck.

“Then I’d keep at it but I wouldn’t ask you to marry me until I could support us.” His grin was lopsided and totally endearing. “I’d ask you to live with me instead,” he joked, trying unsuccessfully to lighten the mood.

“But you’re not giving me the same freedom. You’re being condescending by allowing me to continue with what I’ve already chosen to do, tolerating my career, while you expect what you’ve decided to do with your life to take precedence.”

Kurt heaved a sigh. “I’m not sure I understand, Victoria, but if you explain very slowly and simply, perhaps we can come up with a compromise that will work for both of us. Right now you’ve got me confused and on the verge of anger. I’ve never heard of a woman turning down a proposal because the man didn’t ask her permission to continue with his career.”

Her eyes glistened with tears that she refused to shed. “Please don’t patronize me, Kurt.”

He swallowed hard at the obvious pain and frustration etched on her face and gave her a swift hug. “You’re right.”

He led her to the rumpled bed and sat her down, placing himself next to her as he continued to hold her hands. “Now explain, slowly.”

She swallowed hard several times before she could speak. How could she make him understand, with simple words, the emotions that were so complex and deeply affecting?

Taking a deep breath, she began. “When I was young I idolized my father and, in turn, he wrapped me up in cotton batting, Kurt. Because he wasn’t always there for me, he tended to make sure that Mother did the same as he did: protecting, cosseting, and shielding me from the big bad parts of life. I got into the habit of pleasing him instead of pleasing me. Do this, choose that, act this way. But there was always the implication that if I didn’t do what he wanted, then he wouldn’t love and care for me.” She smiled sadly at the thought of those lost years. They seemed to belong to someone else’s lifetime. “At that age I couldn’t bear to have his love withdrawn, so I did as I was supposed to do, secure in the knowledge that as long as I did he would smile, protect and be proud of me. But it didn’t work out that way. I was believing in a lie. When reality hit me on the head, I wasn’t prepared for it and it almost totaled me. I was forced to learn how to survive, to take care of myself, to make my own way in the world without another person’s help. I had to be responsible for my own actions and no longer blame my faults and problems on others.

Her gaze searched his expression, attempting to read his thoughts and emotions, but to no avail. “I’ve learned how to be myself now and I can’t give that up!” She took a deep breath before continuing. “And you, Kurt, are trying to place me in that same little niche that my father wanted me to live in. You’re attempting to take me over in the same way. Don’t you see?” Her voice was a plea as she stared into his eyes, begging him to understand the essence of her emotions. But all she saw was distance and something else that she couldn’t name.

The silence was deafening. “You still don’t understand.” Her voice was a mere whisper.

“Probably more than you know, Vicky,” was his quiet answer. Sadness flickered across his face before he stood and pulled her up with him, right into his arms. “You were more than I bargained for when I made that first date,” he teased, but his voice was hoarse with unsaid emotions. He stroked her hair and they stood in the darkened room, each listening to the other’s heartbeat and wondering how to reach the one they loved. They said nothing, unsure of what to do next to bridge the chasm that separated them.

Dinner was quiet. The tense anger of their earlier argument was gone, total exhaustion left as debris. Victoria could hardly lift her fork without forcing herself to do so. When dinner was over they walked through the living room and outside, Kurt leading her to one of the padded lounges on the deck that hung in midnight darkness, with only the sound of the surf wrapping around them. The stars filled the dark spaces in the heavens; the breeze held just a hint of salt; the night was balmy, neither too hot nor too chilly.

When Kurt left his chair, she leaned her head back and closed her eyes, wanting to cry but not knowing which of the many reasons she should choose to cry about. She felt totally drained.

The clink of ice against crystal told her that Kurt was fixing drinks, and when he placed a glass in her hand she obediently sipped. It was almond liquor over ice and tasted both fresh and cool. Kurt took the lounge next to hers, his free hand reaching then closing to hold hers tight his fingers playing with her palm. His voice broke the silence. “Victoria, I still want you to marry me, but I’m willing to wait until you feel you can trust me.

“I trust you now.” Her hand tightened on his as she spoke words she knew were a lie. The simple truth was that she wanted to trust him but didn’t.

“No, you don’t. You’re confusing me with your father.”

“I know the difference,” she said dryly, trying to ignore the doubts that filled her mind.

“I wish you did.”

“I do!” she exclaimed, opening her eyes to stare into the dark depths of his.

“If you did, darling, then you wouldn’t automatically accuse me of manipulating you the way he did. You wouldn’t be terrified of trusting me, as you are of him. You would take me as an individual.” His voice was sad. “Yes, I’ve got faults and problems, just like everyone else, but because you don’t see those, you’ve placed a blueprint of your father over me and matched us in ways that aren’t there.”

“Perhaps you’re right. I don’t know.” Once more inertia took over and she closed her eyes.

“Live with me. See if we can work it out. You can even choose the bedroom you want, I don’t give a damn as long as we’re together.” She could feel the muscles in his arm tense and was astounded to realize how much her answer meant to him. “Don’t make the decision tonight. Wait until tomorrow, so you can be sure you weren’t maneuvered into it.”

Slowly, gazing at him, she nodded her head in agreement. Hope that they would find a common meeting ground rose in her, fleetingly destroying the deep depression she wallowed in.

Somehow, even though Kurt had given her back her freedom, she felt confused. She remembered his tall, muscled body in the shower with the soap lathered over him, the rippling muscles, the raw strength beneath her fingertips, the pressure of his possession and the ecstasy of his touch. And now he had given her back that which she thought she had lost: her freedom. He had taken away the ties she was so afraid of being bound with. He was willing to accept her rules once again. He was trusting her, she thought in amazement.

She took another sip of her drink. Was freedom more binding than marriage? Was love always more painful than one could ever imagine? She closed her eyes, letting her tiredness overcome her. She slept.

Victoria didn’t feel Kurt take the glass from her hand, nor did she feel him lift and carry her to the bedroom, where he slipped her clothing off and covered her with the cool silken sheets. All she knew was that she was safe.

***

Berating himself for a fool, Kurt slid in next to the small dark-haired girl who turned to him in her sleep for comfort. His arms went around her to hold the precious gift of her closer and he tried desperately not to touch her rounded breasts, where his hands really wanted to be. A low moan escaped his lips as he smelled the clean scent of her hair and felt the satin-smooth skin of the wriggling body that nestled cozily so close to his. For one wild moment he imagined making his needs known. The memory of that afternoon flashed through his mind. She had been so spirited, so uninhibited, so fresh and wild and wonderful in her own innocent way. She was like no one Kurt had ever known, giving of herself totally in a way that no woman had ever done with him. He wanted to crush her to him and allow them to edge toward the completeness he ached for. But reason returned and he wrenched his hand away from her thigh to close in a fist. It was going to be a long night…

He awoke to find her bending over him, her long hair a dark cloud about her head. Her face was solemn as she continued to stare at him, her eyes wide and sad.

“Good morning.” She leaned down and gave him a chaste kiss on his slightly open mouth. “I thought you’d never wake up.”

His mood matched hers. “I didn’t get to sleep until late.”

“Did I keep you awake?”

“Yes.” There was a wealth of meaning in that one word.

Slowly she nodded her head in understanding. “I know. I woke up in the middle of the night and debated on whether or not I should wake you.”

It was his turn to be surprised. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because I was afraid you might reject my advances,” she stated simply. “I care too much to have you refuse me.”

His brows rose in disbelief. “I’m not sure there’s a man alive who doesn’t want to be wanted in the middle of the night by a beautiful siren.” His dark brown eyes turned to velvet, a small smile tugging at his mouth. “Have I turned you into a sex maniac in one short day?”

Suddenly she giggled a light sound that played across his nerves and heightened his senses. “Yes.” Then, in a softer voice, “I never knew...” Her voice faltered.

He gave her waist a light squeeze before his hands traveled down the length of her body. “I know. Neither did
I.”