Excalibur (12 page)

He beckoned two soldiers who pulled Princess Floridian out from the net and threw her in the lake. The soldiers were seasoned campaigners. They had travelled the world serving the great Sir Lancelot on his quests, crusades and adventures. They had seen it all and they had heard it all. Yet that night they learned seventeen new swear words that outdid the greatest obscenities they had ever heard. The words were made
all the more shocking as they came from the mouth of a Princess so beautiful that one would hardly imagine butter melting there.

But in Princess Floridian's mouth butter would not merely melt, it would turn rancid, boil and froth and be spat out as scalding acid.

‘You think, my child, that you and your little friends were unobserved?' said Merlin, emerging from the shadows. ‘We have seen your every move.'

‘You will all die, you vile [
insert seventeen of your favourite disgusting swearwords here
] scum!' the Princess screamed. ‘When I claim Excalibur I will shred you into human coleslaw.'

‘Claim? Claim?' said Merlin. ‘You think you are the rightful owner of the enchanted sword?'

‘Of course I am, moron. Do you think my kidnapping and all that which has brought me here was just an accident?'

‘No, no accident,' said the wizard. ‘More of a series of clumsy, stupid mistakes.'

‘I will prove it,' sneered the Princess. ‘I will pull the sword from the stone.'

‘Well, yes indeed,' said Merlin. ‘That would prove
it beyond doubt.'

Before she could climb out of the lake, there was an enormous commotion behind her. The water thrashed about in a wild frenzy, bringing whatever was causing the thrashing closer and closer until it was barely thirty feet away.

‘The Great Olm has decided your fate, my dear,' said Merlin.

Sir Lancelot and the two soldiers ran towards the water's edge. Merlin held up his hands to stop them. Lightning sprang from his fingertips and shot up into the clouds. A look of sheer terror came into Princess Floridian's eyes. The screaming, angry she-devil was transformed back into a little girl. Brat and Bloat struggled to get out of the net, but only succeeded in tangling themselves up more. Bloat's fire-breathing was rubbish at the best of times and not only that, the net was made of asbestos which is fireproof. Brat was not fireproof and got a few nasty burns.

‘Do not enter the water,' said Merlin to Sir Lancelot. ‘The Enchanted Lake has spoken and must not be questioned.'

‘I didn't know the lake was enchanted,' said
Morgan le Fey.

‘Oh yes, my lady. It overflows with enchantosity,' said the wizard. ‘The very water itself is alive.'

‘Actually, it isn't,' he whispered, ‘I'm just screwing around with the Princess's mind.'

‘But won't the olms get her?'

‘I think you will see that it is not an olm that approaches,' said Merlin. ‘Olms are terrified of midsummer's eve and stay hidden in the depths until it has passed.'

He was right. The splashing got closer and more chaotic and a huge blunt head emerged from the water.

‘I will save you, my lady,' it shouted.

It was Scraper.

He picked up the Princess and waded ashore.

‘DROP IT!' Merlin shouted.

The wet, scared, but still angry and defiant Princess Floridian fell on the grass, muttering and cursing.

‘Right, your highness, there is the stone. There is the mighty sword which may or may not be Excalibur,' said Merlin. ‘Claim your birthright.'

‘You will so regret this, you stupid old fool,'
sneered Princess Floridian.

She got to her feet, walked over the sword and, taking the hilt in both hands, pulled as hard as she could.

Nothing happened.

‘It seems to be stuck,' she said. ‘It's probably gone rusty with sitting here so long.'

‘It is rust-proof, my lady,' said Merlin, ‘made of the finest stainless steel.'

‘Well, it's stuck,' said the Princess, going red in the face.

‘I think that proves that you are not the chosen one,' said Sir Lancelot.

‘Don't be stupid, of course I am. I need an unguent to free the blade. I need a vial of Ye WD42.'
⁵¹

‘It will make no difference, my lady.'

Scraper took hold of the great sword's hilt and pulled with all his might.

Slowly the great sword lift ed into the air.

The trouble was, so did the huge rock it was
trapped in. Scraper held it above his head and was about to speak when his arms gave way and the three-ton rock flattened him and his beloved bucket. His mouth, still open wide, did not utter a sound on account of him being overcome with dead.

Princess Floridian stood rooted to the spot. The rock had missed her by inches. She reached out and touched the hilt of the sword, but it didn't move.

‘That went well, I thought,' said Merlin, unable to hide a grin.

‘One more test,' he added. ‘Fetch the evil boy. Let him try. If he is the true King, the sword will come free, and if this is the true sword we shall fall at his feet. If it does come free and it is not the true sword we will not fall at his feet. Instead we will clear up the bits.'

Brat was hauled out of the net and led to the sword. He had heard rumours that pulling the fake Excalibur would lead the puller to a fate worse than death
⁵²
and was scared.

‘I don't want to,' he said.

‘But I thought you said you were the one true
King of Camelot,' said Morgan le Fey. ‘Pull Excalibur from the stone and prove it. Succeed and we shall acknowledge you as our supreme leader, knowing that you were right all along.'

‘I don't want to,' he said. ‘I've decided I don't want to be King anymore.'

‘So you would rather go back to the kitchens, would you?'

‘I, er…'

‘I am sure the Cook would be delighted to see you,' Morgan le Fey laughed.

‘No, but, I mean, I…' said Brat and he fell on his knees.

‘You're pathetic,' sneered Princess Floridian.

She grabbed the scruff of the boy's neck, hauled him to his feet and wrapped his arms round the sword.

‘Pull, you little scumbag.'

Brat tried to push, but the Princess, who was stronger than he was, wrapped her hands over his and pulled.

The Princess thought she could feel the sword begin to move. It was the slightest tremor, but there definitely was something. She pulled harder and the
movement grew stronger, but it was not the sword leaving the stone. It was the ground beneath their feet.

The Princess let go of Brat's hands and leapt back.

The ground opened and swallowed Brat. Revolting noises came from the hole, along with smoke and a terrible smell of burnt rags and sulphur.

Obviously this was not the true Excalibur.

The ground shook again and what can only be described as a really sticky phlegm-filled cough came out of the centre of the earth, followed by a slightly toasted small boy.

Then the ground closed again.

‘Way to go, Mother Nature,' said Morgan le Fey.

Brat, who was naked apart from a thin coating of soot, lay curled up in the grass smoking
⁵³
and whimpering.

‘Well, well, the fearless warrior who will take over the world has returned from the very centre of the earth,' said Morgan le Fey, rolling him over with her foot.

Everyone except Princess Floridian fell about
laughing. Brat's humiliation was complete. The Princess helped him to his feet. It wasn't that she felt sorry for him or even liked him, but the two of them were seen by everyone as two parts of the same pathetic rebellion, so his defeat reflected on her too. Though, being the selfish, resourceful girl she was, she was sure she would be able to turn the situation to her advantage.

Meanwhile, on the other island, King Arthur and the rest of the soldiers waited for news. No one knew what might happen if someone pulled out the wrong sword. There were all the rumours, of course, hundreds of them. The most popular were: